DS didn't turn up for his first GCSE exam today

[strugglingmum0]

Not sure where to start really. DS is 15, supposed to be sitting his first GCSE today, the one subject he actually likes and is good at. Promised me he’d go, even got up this morning, got dressed, grabbed his bag. Thought we’d turned a corner. But he never showed. Didn’t go in.

Didn’t answer his phone all day. I was sick with worry and he rolls in at 5pm like nothing. We ended up rowing and he told me to “fuck off and stop being a psycho.”

He’s out again now, no clue where. Prob with that lot he hangs round with. Same story. Drinking. Weed. Shoplifting. Fighting. Has been brought home by police more than once. Barely been to school in months. Teachers gave up ages ago. I’ve done everything. Tough love, soft love, family support, youth workers, GP. Nothing sticks.

And the worst part? I’ve just been diagnosed with cervical cancer. Stage 2. Haven’t told him. Don’t even know how. Not sure he’d give a shit tbh.

I’m on my own with him. No dad in the picture. No other kids. No real support. I’m just sat here crying into my tea like a mug.

What the hell do I do

I wouldn’t let him talk to you like that. You need to set & stick with boundaries.

He may be struggling with abandonment issues regarding his Dad & may need to explore that with someone. Has he ever spoken to anyone? A mentor or counsellor?

I am really sorry you're ill and facing it on your own. If you are going for chemo which it sounds like you are, you will meet other patients in the same room each week and you might find there are some good chats to be had with them, if only because you're all going through the same thing. I have a chronic disease and one of the best things to happen to me was meeting just one other person with the same thing. And if there are support groups offered to you through the hospital the NHS, do consider joining them, just to find out how they are.

I don't have advice for your son, other than to say you should probably tell him this is happening and that you're going to sometimes need a bit of help here and there, if he's able to manage it. You never know, he may step up.

Sending hugs and good wishes. xx

Your health and getting him out of this bad company is more important than exams. They can be retaken later when he is more stable.

There but for the grace of god go I. We have been very fortunate not to go the same way.

No advice. What worked with mine won't necessarily work with yours. And I'm not even sure it's anything we did. Good luck.

He's going off the rails most likely due to childhood trauma from abandonment by his father. So many boys/young men suffer terrible anger from their father's leaving. I've been on the receiving end of this anger from two who were abandoned by fathers (my father, and my ex husband). Both had uncontrollable tempers and were violent.

I'm not excusing your son's actions, whatsoever, I just think he needs to see a therapist that specialises in abandonment. Not sure if this is available on the NHS or not.

My neighbour's teenage son is doing the same as your son, exactly the same, he was abandoned by his mother. His Dad puts up with it because he feels bad about the cause of it (not the Dad's fault though).

I'm so sorry to hear about your diagnosis.

Just sending love, from another lone parent of a tricky just-turned-16 year old. Mine only just made it in today and there’s no guarantee he’ll go in for the others. Every day is a challenge at the moment. He’s aiming for Level 1 carpentry which thankfully just needs a few 2s, and he has a 3 already from last year (missed a 4 by a few marks as left half way through paper 2…). It’s so hard to do this alone, sending you strength. My dad tells me self preservation is what’s important right now - and even more so for you X

And ah yes, mine is very angry too, though his dad died. He misses him dreadfully at the moment

Really sorry about your situation.

We can argue the toss about whether or not it should be required, but when I was teaching (got out around 10 years ago) some teachers would volunteer to go and get students at risk of no shows for whatever reason - in care/lack of support from home/whatever to make sure they got to the exam without doing a runner.

I wouldn't be afraid of calling the school, making it very clear you want him to be there and just asking if they have any advice. He's your first teenager, he's not theirs. There's a lot to unpack here but giving him a decent shot at the exams is what you can do right now, and you're about to lose the school support which can be the key way to get referred to any kind of other help.

I know teachers have a lot on their plate but if you are genuinely open minded and asking for help they are the best people in the short term, and they won't dismiss you unless you're being arsey or entitled.

Op the problem here isn’t the exams. They don’t matter now. What matters is your health, his feelings, his attitude. Where did things change?

Do you ever get on? Do you ever sit and eat cake, watch tv, play a board game? Do you have other family that might casually check in on him?

Take all this slowly, you’ve your own stuff to deal with too but my reflex would be to lose it with him- try not to do this, it achieves nothing. Op I know a few people who look back on teenage years and laugh at who they were then, that’s where your son needs to get to. Take care x

Cervical cancer is very treatable as I know from first hand experience. Very, very worrying at the time though. Soon it will be just a bad memory just like it is for me.
I do urge you to tell your ds though. Regardless of the situation, he needs to know. Whether he is supportive or not is a different matter, but for your sake there needs to be no secrets and you need to be able to talk about it openly and with friends. You need their support. I told my kids and they were much younger. I think that’s the general advice nowadays.

He got in at 1am last night. Looked like he’d been in a fight – split lip, knuckles red raw. I didn’t even ask. He was already shouting before the door shut. Called me a “sad little bitch” when I tried to say something. Slammed his door and that was that. Still in bed now.

Someone asked if he’s had counselling – yeah, he has. Loads over the years. School tried, GP referred him, even private through a charity once. He just shuts down or talks rubbish to wind them up. One woman said he was one of the most “angry young people” she’d met.

As for when things changed… I honestly don’t know. Started small – backchat, skipping homework, that kind of thing. Think it started properly going downhill when his grandad died – they were close – then secondary school was rough, got in with the wrong ones. By Year 9 he was barely going in. It’s like he gave up.

We used to get on. When he was younger he was lovely – cuddly, funny, always asking questions about stuff. We’d watch films, bake cakes, daft stuff. I miss him. I still see bits of that boy sometimes, like when he gets excited about a film or something he’s read. But it’s rare now. Mostly it’s just shouting, slamming doors, silence.

I don’t really have family around to check in on him. My sister lives miles off and she’s not involved – she thinks I’m too soft on him. Parents are gone. Just me.

And e’s angry about money – always has been. At Christmas he asked for loads – designer clothes, phone, all that. I couldn’t do it. Managed one pair of decent trainers and that was it cos of bills and food. He didn’t say thanks. Just looked at the box and went “this it?” He blames me that he’s never had a holiday abroad, or big birthday parties like the others at school.

He doesn’t get that I’m doing my best. Don’t know what more I can give.

I agree. At 15/16, he’s more than old enough. It’s not like he’s going to fail his exams because he’s upset given that he’s not been going to school anyway so will fail (or not turn up) regardless.

Sounds like you’ve done all you can and you need to actually focus on you OP. It might bring him to his senses. It doesn’t sound like he can go any further off the rails so you don’t really have anything left to lose.

If only it were that simple Most apprenticeships require grade four in Maths and English as the bare minimum
Those that are more competitive require more.

Please tell him about your diagnosis. I was a similar age to your son when I overheard a conversation that my dad had cancer. It created another problem that I'd not been told. Also please tell your friends and sister asap. I'm sure they'll step up for you. And a hug from me. Hoping things get better soon.

How are you op?

Is there any chance something happened to him around the time his behaviour changed? I am thinking about grooming/assault/abuse/exploitation/county lines? Think back. If he was a lovely, happy child, what changed in his environment? If you can identify anything, you might be able to start to communicate.

I am so sorry OP. It sounds dreadful. I am sorry you don't have any support.

You are definitely going to need support while you go through your treatment - I’d get social services involved primarily to support you, but also to access services for DC. His behaviour is definitely going to end up in court and with his age there could be serious consequences. Your support worker will advise you or even support you in telling him your diagnosis.

Id begin involving social services, and the police.
I'd start putting you first.

Tell him about your diagnosis. And its either he changes or he's out.

How Are you I hope you’re doing ok @strugglingmum0 💕☕️

I just wanted to send you love and strength. I hope your treatment plan goes well and you can get some rest. Your son is not the first to make poor choices as a teen and in time he will remember all the good times as a child and regret his behaviour and stupid angry words but it’s hard right now as he is both emotionally unstable and immature and sadly for him he’s likely dealing with consequences of following others down a dark path. Hope you can find some peace in your day and things settle down soon as you go through this difficult time.