DD was diagnosed a year ago but symptoms were there from early childhood, starting getting progressively more visible and worse since the age of 7. I had no idea, just thought she was highly sensitive and difficult and made adjustments for her without realising, eg getting to parties 15 mins early rather than when in full swing, which would cause a meltdown, not changing routines or plans as would cause a meltdown etc. Many more examples but not really the point of this post!
She is now 14, and the ADHD side is very difficult to manage. Her room is very dirty and messy. She has broken the family laptop in there as well as dishes.
Currently she is obsessed with an anime TV series. Trying to get her to do homework before she starts watching TV is very hard. Think she is lying to me when she says she is doing homework.
I’m in the office three days a week, husband is at home but, quite frankly, fucking useless. He is also ADHD and just cannot stick to routine or help her manage her time. He can barely manage is own. Again, that’s another thread.
It’s very difficult to have a rational conversation with her or to come to an agreement eg, 1.5 hours homework then 1 hour TV. She reacts badly to any sort of conversation about how she is doing things, gets upset, feels bullied, cries, storms out of the room. She’s very resistant to trying new ways of doing things. She doesn’t want to be helped or managed by me but equally wants to well at school so was still doing homework last night at 9.45 that was due today.
This morning she was crying and said she felt sick, didn’t want to go to school, huge bags under her eyes. I’ve sent her in, she’s obviously tired and god knows what time she went to bed. I normally take devices from her overnight but last night I was too tired and went to bed at 9.45 myself. So I'm guessing she stayed up and watched tv and is now too tired for school.
When she was given her phone or is on the family computer, husband was supposed to set up limits and check phones. I don’t think he has done this properly and he has no idea if and when she is doing homework. I’ll have to take over on managing this.
My question is: how do I talk to her without it becoming an argument? Or do I just accept this is going to be the outcome and proceed anyway?
Husband is keen to put her on medication but I’d really like to research this a bit more rather than just chucking tablets at her. I have seen how quickly she forms habits eg even with Piriton - she will take it every day whether she needs it or not.
She has also talked about drugs and alcohol in a way that I find concerning, I feel she is very likely to experiment and my worry is she wouldn’t know when to stop. She forms new habits very quickly. (I’m no angel and have a colourful past, so definitely not naive about drugs/alcohol and what kids get up to).
I’ve seen her speak to her friends in a way that is upsetting for the friends, she has no idea that she has made them uncomfortable. I worry about her social skills. Is there any sort of support I can get for her with this? She gets very easily embarrassed if she feels criticised so even if I try to talk to her about it sensitively and I an. Non-accusatory way after her friends are gone, she will cry and leave the room.
She can be pleasant but most of the time she is grumpy and easily upset. She won’t let me buy her new shoes (current school shoes are literally falling apart and too small), most of her clothes are too small but she won’t let me get her new things.
I’m really struggling with looking after her properly. I appreciate that a lot of this is just normal teenage behaviour but the AuAdhd aspect does make things so much more difficult.
I’d really appreciate any advice about parenting AuAdhd teens. I’m going to sign up for the Cygnet course but that seems to be more for autism and I think right now it’s the ADHD that’s causing the issues.
Or if you’ve done the Cygnet course, was it useful?