Struggling with parenting DD14 who is AuADHD

[Stopiwantotgetoff]

DD was diagnosed a year ago but symptoms were there from early childhood, starting getting progressively more visible and worse since the age of 7. I had no idea, just thought she was highly sensitive and difficult and made adjustments for her without realising, eg getting to parties 15 mins early rather than when in full swing, which would cause a meltdown, not changing routines or plans as would cause a meltdown etc. Many more examples but not really the point of this post!

She is now 14, and the ADHD side is very difficult to manage. Her room is very dirty and messy. She has broken the family laptop in there as well as dishes.
Currently she is obsessed with an anime TV series. Trying to get her to do homework before she starts watching TV is very hard. Think she is lying to me when she says she is doing homework.

I’m in the office three days a week, husband is at home but, quite frankly, fucking useless. He is also ADHD and just cannot stick to routine or help her manage her time. He can barely manage is own. Again, that’s another thread.

It’s very difficult to have a rational conversation with her or to come to an agreement eg, 1.5 hours homework then 1 hour TV. She reacts badly to any sort of conversation about how she is doing things, gets upset, feels bullied, cries, storms out of the room. She’s very resistant to trying new ways of doing things. She doesn’t want to be helped or managed by me but equally wants to well at school so was still doing homework last night at 9.45 that was due today.

This morning she was crying and said she felt sick, didn’t want to go to school, huge bags under her eyes. I’ve sent her in, she’s obviously tired and god knows what time she went to bed. I normally take devices from her overnight but last night I was too tired and went to bed at 9.45 myself. So I'm guessing she stayed up and watched tv and is now too tired for school.

When she was given her phone or is on the family computer, husband was supposed to set up limits and check phones. I don’t think he has done this properly and he has no idea if and when she is doing homework. I’ll have to take over on managing this.

My question is: how do I talk to her without it becoming an argument? Or do I just accept this is going to be the outcome and proceed anyway?

Husband is keen to put her on medication but I’d really like to research this a bit more rather than just chucking tablets at her. I have seen how quickly she forms habits eg even with Piriton - she will take it every day whether she needs it or not.

She has also talked about drugs and alcohol in a way that I find concerning, I feel she is very likely to experiment and my worry is she wouldn’t know when to stop. She forms new habits very quickly. (I’m no angel and have a colourful past, so definitely not naive about drugs/alcohol and what kids get up to).

I’ve seen her speak to her friends in a way that is upsetting for the friends, she has no idea that she has made them uncomfortable. I worry about her social skills. Is there any sort of support I can get for her with this? She gets very easily embarrassed if she feels criticised so even if I try to talk to her about it sensitively and I an. Non-accusatory way after her friends are gone, she will cry and leave the room.

She can be pleasant but most of the time she is grumpy and easily upset. She won’t let me buy her new shoes (current school shoes are literally falling apart and too small), most of her clothes are too small but she won’t let me get her new things.

I’m really struggling with looking after her properly. I appreciate that a lot of this is just normal teenage behaviour but the AuAdhd aspect does make things so much more difficult.

I’d really appreciate any advice about parenting AuAdhd teens. I’m going to sign up for the Cygnet course but that seems to be more for autism and I think right now it’s the ADHD that’s causing the issues.

Or if you’ve done the Cygnet course, was it useful?

Have you looked at any dietary supplements?

If not, the book finally focused is worth a read. It explains the science behind dietary supplements for adhd and why they’re needed, what to try etc.

My child is younger but we’ve had small but noticeable continuous improvement with following this approach.

It works irrespective of whether kids are on meds or not, and in fact there’s a fair bit of science around dietary supplements making the meds work better..

I haven’t tried supplements yet although I am increasingly aware of how her diet affects her moods and ability to cope.

She craves sugar and I think lunchtimes at school are a bit of a disaster so I take a lot of care to make sure she gets a healthy diet at home. This is restricted by what she will and won’t eat.

th k you foe the book recommendation, I will get that ordered.

If she craves sugar try adding in some protein with every meal, that helps balance out loads of adhd kids although we didn’t see a difference when we tried.

unmedicated adhd has caused issues with AU burnout further down the line so please do consider meds plus melotonin for sleep on particularly difficult days.
adhd has a 30% age adjustment so parenting the adjusted age helped us hugely.
it’s a long twisty road and takes a village.

She is a little bit old for it but I’m enjoying watching a programme on iplayer called ‘It’s a kind of spark’. The main character and is autistic and it’s about her issues starting high school.

For ADHD and ASD, routine is absolutely vital, as well as strict boundaries that are enforced by both you and DH. Things like taking devices away at every bedtime, sitting down to homework at the same time every day without screens, and routine tidying are far, far more important for your DD than a NT child.

It will require a lot of effort from you and your DH, but you need to help her do this - she can't create healthy boundaries or routines on her own, she needs you to actively parent her, no deviation from routine. There are loads of tips you can use to help - schedules, lists, alarms etc. that your DH should be aware of if he has ADHD too.

For Elvanse medication you can open the capsule and dissolve in orange juice or whatever if they can’t swallow pills though check with doc.

Probably not much help, as my own little AuDHD-er is only 6.5 so I have all this to come.

However I just want to reassure you that I WAS this teenager. And despite being an absolute pain in the arse, and having a rough few years (ok decade) as a teenager/young adult, I’m now a fairly successful, functioning member of society.

I found Chris Packham's programme on BBC2 last night about ADHD interesting. It didn't contain the sort of detail you're getting on here but to anyone with little knowledge it gave an idea of how two people functioned.

Have you looked into low-demand parenting? Your success at the weekend (ie when you told her she could do as she pleased) is an example. DD(12) is just diagnosed AuDHD and the one thing guaranteed to make things worse is us placing more demands on her. Obvs there are still boundaries, but we realised she spent most her life being nagged, which obviously has a knock-on effect on self-esteem.

Also, me recognising that activities I was restricting are actually self-regulating for her. Video games is a prime example - it actually quietens her brain a lot. Again, there are boundaries here, but being more flexible about how much and when she gets to game has helped.

We do, however, have quite strict screen rules. No smart phone (yet), no screens in bedrooms.

Texting and talking in the car are both good ways to make conversations less fraught.

Also it’s very important to pick your moments. If you know your child is already stressed, that is not the time to have the conversation about managing their room or homework.

Dont call them out and say it’s time for a conversation and not tell them the subject in advance. Say sometime this weekend we are going to brainstorm ways to help you manage your homework better. Then on the day say we should have that conversation this afternoon. Then ask if it is a good time to have the conversation. Just feeling a degree of control helps immensely.

Finally, come in with some ideas for solutions that you think might help and offer them as suggestions, not new rules. Ask your child if they think the ideas are good or bad. You may be surprised if offered a concrete idea to accept or reject, your child is able to suggest an idea of their own to make things work better. If you try to issue decrees, it will be adversarial and nothing will be accomplished.