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Original poster

Any Indian people who can help me?

33 replies

indianques · 08/05/2025 21:55

Hello!

My son is in a relationship with a lovely girl from India. She lives here (UK) as she came for Uni and never went back. Her parents are coming over to the UK soon to meet my son and his parents (us!) to assess suitability for marriage. I have no idea about their customs! So I have a few questions.

They will be staying in a hotel, as my son is in a flat share and his girlfriend no longer lives here (long distance relationship for the past year). We live in a different town about 30 mins away. Would it be better to go for a meal near where they are staying or would it be more customary to invite them to our home for a meal?

if we meet in a restaurant for a meal, is it okay if me and my husband pay the bill, or would that be seen as an insult?

When we greet them, do we do so with a handshake or a hug?

Are there any tips Indian people could give us to make the right impression?

Thank you!

OP posts:
PansyPottering · 08/05/2025 22:01

Just be yourself. It’s lovely that you are trying to be so thoughtful about it so I am sure it will go well. Has the girlfriend told you anything about her parents?

Maybe you can suggest some places they can visit and maybe spend a few hours with them showing them around.

mindutopia · 08/05/2025 22:10

I’m not Indian, but I did live in India for some time. A lot of your questions probably have more to do with the sort of people they are, personalities, how traditional, etc. I would assume though that if your son is not Indian and they are even open to the idea of marriage, they are pretty modern parents.

I would invite them to your home. Meeting at a restaurant feels very formal and stiff. I think it signals to them that you see them as family. Cook a very classic British meal. Keep it friendly and relaxed. It also removes the awkwardness of who pays, which I think would be difficult even for British in-laws meeting for the first time.

A bit like meeting anyone, I’d be guided by them with how you greet each other. I think a handshake is probably more acceptable than a hug, but I think lots of people might be freaked out by someone they just met hugging them. They may however be quite boisterous and affectionate, because that’s how they are rather than anything cultural.

One thing to prepare for is you may get more probing questions than British sensibility may be prepared for. They obviously are sussing you out for marriage, but even in normal conversations in India, I often got asked questions that we would never ask here (like how much money my parents made or how big my house was). Don’t take it as rude. I think because India is a very hierarchical society, it’s normal to know how everyone ranks, and they just want to understand how we fit into that in a way, but don’t understand us because we’re outside the system. We don’t have the same caste or profession related markers of class, so it takes some probing.

Mintearo7 · 08/05/2025 22:10

It really depends how traditional they are. Traditional way would be to invite to your house. If you go out, offering to pay as they are guests is fine. I wouldn’t go in for a hug unless they do. Handshake or polite nod is fine..some Indians put their hand together like they are praying when they greet each other,

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MoominMai · 08/05/2025 22:16

As a British Indian, it is customary to really host the parents in your own home. In terms of hugs or handshakes I think you’ll have to take the lead from them. However generally the men will usually always exchange handshakes only with other males and for the ladies usually a smile and greet everyone with a ‘Sat Sri Akaal’ as a formal but warm and respectful greeting. Depending on how well you guys get on, you can read the room and hug the mother possibly at the end but the Indian dad usually there’s no physical contact. Again, they may be ultra modern parents so may be different but I’ve described the traditional approach!

In terms of clothing, it would be respectful for you to not have bare legs or arms or low neckline (even if no cleavage). On subsequent meetings it may be different but for a first time meeting it would be more respectful.

Finally it would be good to find out of parents are vegetarian and tee total as many time ps they can be.

Hope that helps a bit anyway!

Original poster
indianques · 08/05/2025 22:24

Thank you!! This is so helpful

OP posts:
Tennistote · 08/05/2025 22:28

Just to point out “Sat Sri Akaal” is generally said by Sikhs. Are they Sikh? Or Muslim, Hindu etc may help posters to give you more advice if there are specifics like that?

UpJacksArseAndRoundTheCorner · 08/05/2025 22:31

Why not ask your son or his girlfriend?

I doubt they'd expect you to follow their customs when they're visiting you, just as I'm sure you wouldn't expect them to follow yours if you were visiting them.

Exciting times for you all Flowers

SelinaPlace · 08/05/2025 22:42

Does your son actually want to marry his girlfriend?

pottylolly · 09/05/2025 00:27

I think it depends on how wealthy they are but if you aren’t sure always assume they might not be able to afford a restaurant meal here & host at home.

NoBinturongsHereMate · 09/05/2025 00:43

India is a vast country of many cultures, and degrees of adherence to those cultures. Asking their daughter will be the most reliable source of advice.

But as a starting point definitely check about dietary restrictions (religion is a broad guide to this, but not exact) and let them take the lead on physical contact for greetings.

justmeandmyselfandi · 09/05/2025 00:48

I'd ask your son to ask his girlfriend, everyone is different so you never know. In general Indians are very warm and welcoming though, so I'm sure anything you do will be fine! They're generally not very judgemental either, but I'd avoid swearing or talking about sex. But that's really normal for anyone you're meeting for the first time.

northstars · 09/05/2025 07:06

if you aren’t sure always assume they might not be able to afford a restaurant meal here & host at home - how odd, why should this be assumed? They have a daughter studying in the UK and are travelling to see her. This is not cheap.

I am Indian and would definitely host at home in this case - when it comes to marriage, they’ll be wanting to see what kind of family you are, what you do for work, where you live and so on. If you are hosting, just find out whether they are vegetarian and drink alcohol or not.

I’d take the lead from them on physical contact. Don’t worry too much. Just the fact that you are trying will mean something to them. Hope it all goes well!

TheHerboriste · 09/05/2025 07:16

Wouldn’t a traditional beef roast be problematic for people from some cultures?

UniDaysAcoming · 09/05/2025 07:20

OP can get dietary restrictions from her son.
But yes for Hindus and Sikhs- no beef or pork, for Muslims no pork maybe halal only.
If vegetarian - no eggs either.

DissDissOrDiss · 09/05/2025 07:21

TheHerboriste · 09/05/2025 07:16

Wouldn’t a traditional beef roast be problematic for people from some cultures?

Yes, if the family are Hindu. And some Sikh’s avoid beef / all meat if ritually slaughtered I believe.

Endofyear · 09/05/2025 07:34

I would host them in your home and cook a vegetarian meal. Greet them warmly but I wouldn't hug the first time you meet them. Just make them feel welcome and you can't really go wrong.

northstars · 09/05/2025 07:52

Just to say there are many many non-vegetarian Indians (they are the majority I believe). My in laws and family eat meat every day and would be horrified with a vegetarian meal 😄it’s better to find out what their preferences are first

declutteringmymind · 09/05/2025 08:38

’indian’ is a pretty broad spectrum. I’d just ask your son of any dietary requirements and cook something that you’d eat. Would you expect an English meal if you went to their house? Probabaly not.

im Indian and I say go for something very English. So perhaps do a substantial afternoon tea or a barbecue.

our Indian visitors always ask for a jacket potato with beans as their favourite dish and ALL of them love chips. Especially fish and chips if they’re not vegetarian. Oh and they are mad about mushy peas.

Just be yourselves as much as you can. I’m sure there will be initial nerves and awkwardness but I’m sure your efforts to make them feel welcome will be appreciated and you’ll soon find some common ground. Just steer away from the usual- sex, politics, religion. Indians can be conservative in many ways. They’ll probably want to know about all your family and of course your son and his upbringing. If all else fails get his baby photos out.

you’ll be fine.

SaltyandSweet · 09/05/2025 08:42

Which part of India are they from? My origins are from Kerala (south India) and what a pp said about greetings just went straight over my head 😁It is a subcontinent and people and customs vary hugely

FinallyHere · 09/05/2025 08:43

as many posters have pointed out, it might be useful to establish a bug about their cultural and ethnic background, including religion. There are Sikhs, Roman Catholic Christians, Muslims and Hindus even among my small circle of Indian friends and colleagues. Asking advice from your son’s girlfriend would be a good way of building your relationship with her. No harm in additional advice from anywhere else : surely have really is the authority here.

Tomatotater · 09/05/2025 08:49

Oh and they are mad about mushy peas
When I went to visit my cousins in Mumbai I had to take a suitcase with tins of mushy peas and a 30 pack of Walkers crisps! They should do a trade deal on mushy peas if all Indians are like that!

User37482 · 09/05/2025 08:50

I would check about diet and if you can clarify where they are from religion it’s be easier to help. There are a lot of different cultures in India and customs. Some will go straight in for a hug and some will need personal space. Honestly they won’t expect you to know about them so don’t worry. The fact that they are travelling a long distance to meet you indicates that they are taking it all very seriously and probably want this to be a successful meeting too.

Be warm, look extremely happy to see them and offer tea/ cold drinks, make sure there are snacks on the table. Personally I’ve never met a north Indian who isn’t partial to biscuits and theres a lot of love for marks and spencers. Just general warmth and politeness will go a long way “how was your flight, are you settled in”. They may be quite direct and ask you about your own backgrounds not just your sons.

pottylolly · 09/05/2025 09:22

northstars · 09/05/2025 07:06

if you aren’t sure always assume they might not be able to afford a restaurant meal here & host at home - how odd, why should this be assumed? They have a daughter studying in the UK and are travelling to see her. This is not cheap.

I am Indian and would definitely host at home in this case - when it comes to marriage, they’ll be wanting to see what kind of family you are, what you do for work, where you live and so on. If you are hosting, just find out whether they are vegetarian and drink alcohol or not.

I’d take the lead from them on physical contact. Don’t worry too much. Just the fact that you are trying will mean something to them. Hope it all goes well!

I’m Indian. Most middle class Indian parents (the majority) take out a major mortgage or secured loan to send their kids to university. It involves a lot of sacrifice and for many middle class Indians £200 for dinner is most (if not all) of their monthly salary.

As an Indian we were taught to always assume people from the mainland wouldn’t be able to afford dinner and the polite thing to do would be to host at home to prevent social pressure - because there is a cultural expectation of recipocrity.

Original poster
indianques · 09/05/2025 09:25

Thanks everyone. Another question (!), if the visit is successful and they approve the marriage, how quickly do things start moving? What happens next?

To answer previous Q, yes they are very modern (hence allowing their DD to live abroad and also not to be forced into an arranged marriage).

OP posts:
HenleyHenleyHenley · 09/05/2025 09:29

This seems like a lot of pressure for your son, who's presumably late teens / early 20s? A family flying over to assess him and his family for marriage?

what if the family deem the assessment to be unsuccessful? Does he want to marry her soon?

you're doing a lovely thing to be so accommodating. Try and find out more about the sorry requirements from his girlfriend perhaps. Good luck!

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