Advice needed from people who relocated when their children were teenagers (especially if those teenagers are now adults)

[ChargingMyPhone]

I am facing a crossroads moment in my life. I have 2 choices.

1 is to stay in our hometown where my life is very miserable with not much chance for improvement surrounded by several toxic family members, but where my 12 year old child is settled and happy. If we stay this will be permanent as circumstances mean that we won’t be able to move later on.

Or 2. To put myself first and to move to the other side of the UK to a place where I feel happy but with worry that I don’t know what school my child will be placed in or whether they could settle somewhere else.

I worry staying here is going to destroy me, but I’m worried moving away will destroy our relationship with our child as I know they do not want to move.

I would love some advice, especially from people who now have adult children who did a big move when their children were teenagers. Did it effect your relationship with your children? Did it work out positively or negatively? Or if you chose not to move away when they were teenagers, did you regret not taking the chance?

I would do anything to get away from toxic relations. Does your child enjoy seeing them? As he gets older, they might want more influence and this would make your life even harder. What about his dad? Would you all move or are you separated?

Move. Children are on the most part adaptable, they will be happier in the long run with a mum who is happy. Better energy in the home!

We did a big move overseas from London when DS was 7, lived in two European countries, came back to North England when he was 10. Moved to the south west when he was 13. Admittedly he is so laid back, even now at the age of 21 but he appreciates that he got to experience different places. And he is still in touch with his friends from all over.

We would all move, yes still together. Sorry I wasn’t clear in my post.
We see as little as possible of the toxic family. They are button pushers and stirrers and bring no positive to our lives at all. My child is a bit oblivious to them, but the family have form for driving wedges between people so I have a lot of concerns for the near future.

Will the area be better for your child? Better schools and opportunities? More to do?

On balance, I would move unless no to the above, but sooner rather than later, so that they are settled before the GCSE years

This is really interesting for me - the move you made when your child was 13 is similar to the move we want to make now - apart from we want to move the opposite way, we want to move up North.
Strange question, but, How did you child find having a different accent to the other children when they made the move? Did they make friends quickly?

The area is better, yes. Schools are a mixed bag and of course there is no guarantee where they will be placed, which does concern me. They currently are in a good school. This is a big reason for my uncertainty.

My dad was in the armed forces so moving was a way of life for me. I remember him being posted when I was 13 and had settled in school and had a good set of friends. Obviously I was gutted, especially as we were going from somewhere quite busy with great transport links to a camp miles away in the middle of nowhere with what felt like one bus a day in and out.

But it was fine, I probably had more freedom in the new place, school was a bit difficult mainly due to the curriculum but I made friends and had a fantastic time. It was dad’s last posting and the majority of my family are still in the area many years later.

Have you taken your child to the place you are thinking of relocating to so they can have a look around?

Children adapt, many have to move due to work situations anyway. But id do it asap, if you can move in time for September it would make life easier

Children are very adaptable and whilst I support being child centred, the needs of adults also need equal consideration.

People move all the time and kids are fine. 12 is easier than 15 but I know families that have had to move at the “wrong” time for teens and the sky doesn’t fall in. Kids need to build some resilience and sometimes things have to happen that aren’t what they want or like and that is ok for them.

I might have to move my DD soon from
her idyllic village and school and friends. It’s absolutely shit, but I know she will be fine eventually.

I think you are overthinking this @ChargingMyPhone probably because moving around isn’t something you have experienced much. I have moved a lot and it’s not something I worry about because it’s not that scary anymore.

Just crack on with it and don’t look back.

My parents moved for my father's work when I was 14/15. We moved over the summer holidays. It was in the 80s so between 3rd and 4th form. Not sure what that equates to now. Moved from Home Counties to East Anglia. It was quite a culture shock for me.

Looking back, I could have done with more support, but you didn't get that sort of thing then. I did go off the rails a bit and in that respect it did affect how my life turned out as I made some shockingly bad decisions as a young adult. I don't blame my parents for that though, they did what was best for our family.

It's complex, but I would say that as long as you can give your child good support, psychologically and educationally, you should move if you feel the benefits of the move are greater than staying put.

Thank you for this, it’s really helpful. Did it take you long to make new friends or were you welcomed into your new school quite quickly?

I think my child would gain freedom from the move. I hold them a bit tight here because of our toxic family.

Yes, we have been to the place and they really liked it, but they don’t want to leave their friends which I can understand.

Thank you so much for this.

Im so worried about upsetting my child. I think I’m scared they will get bullied which they aren’t currently experiencing where they are now.

My DH is very much thinking our needs matter too. He’s very keen to move. The thing is this really is a now or never situation for me and him. I don’t want our child to think we are selfish for moving and end up hating us, but I also don’t want to be trapped in this town when our child might just move away when they are an adult themselves.

I am probably overthinking!

When I was 13, we moved from a small Lincolnshire village nearly an hour’s bus ride from the local town to a big city in the Midlands. I was really upset at the thought - I had lived in the village all my life and knew everyone there. I
also
loved mu school and my friends there

however, I have to say that I very soon forgot them! And as I got older , I was very grateful for the opportunities living in a bigger city offered - eg, Saturday work, cinema, theatre

@ChargingMyPhone It took a little while to make new friends, probably weeks though rather than months. We were fortunate as we moved at the end of the summer school term so I had around six weeks to explore and meet a few other kids before starting at a new school in the September.

I understand the friends issue. I was a horribly shy child and every move seemed like the end of the world to me. You could offer to have friends to stay for a while during school holidays. That’s what my parents did but to be honest once your DC settles in and makes new friends, the old friendships are likely to drift away.

@unsync

you should move if you feel the benefits of the move are greater than staying put.

I think this is the thing I’m struggling with the most. The benefits to me and DH of moving are certainly greater than staying put, but I’m not certain if that is true for our child. I don’t know how things will be for them.

Im sorry that your move had a negative impact on your life. This is my fear for my child.

Thank you for sharing this.

This gives me a lot of hope. Did you feel part of your new school very quickly?

My parents moved when I was 12, not as far as you’re proposing, but from a village to a large town. I think moving before your child gets into their teens is a good idea, I was open to the move, settled easily at my new school, etc.

If they’d moved when I was 14, though, I know that I’d have made a big fuss and probably been determined to hate it, as I’d moved into my awkward teenager phase.
So do it now!

As others have said, a town was actually great when I was a teenager, more things to do, public transport, etc.

I think 12 is fine, it’s young enough to adjust. My family moved when I was 16. It really was hell, majorly disrupted my schooling and ruined my ability to make friends. I still feel the ramifications decades later.

I think you do it now before you get into the intensity of the teen years.

I think there's a sweet spot timewise which you are in at the moment with your DC's age. They are at secondary school but not into the GCSE years yet. We moved when I was 9 and that was hard for me because I was sent to a small village primary trying to break into small friendship groups that had been established several years earlier, and that was hard. It would have been better a couple of years later at early secondary school age where friendships are changing and shifting anyway and will change again to some extent in the GCSE years when you are suddenly in new subject groups. Overall my family needed to move and long term it was fine for me though, they had no choice because of a work relocation. It sounds as though overall a move would be good for your family and nowadays its easier to research schools and other aspects of life in a new town in advance by joining local FB groups etc.

I moved for very similar reasons, with a DC the same age. Worked amazingly for us TBH.

Had to wait a few weeks to get a school place at our preferred school; as soon as a child left my DC was slotted in. Made friends easily and picked up the subjects etc. Kept in touch with ‘old’ friends on social media and on-line gaming (same way they keep in touch with friends who might literally live next door!!).

The area was so much nicer than where we were and we approached it together as a big adventure and had a great time exploring new places.

I’d say go for it, honestly. Don’t trap yourself - and your DC - in a place when there are better options. Best thing we ever did TBH and ‘back home’ feels alien now.

I wouldn’t move my child at that age, especially if in a good school. I’ve been waiting to move up north for a while now but am waiting until youngest goes to uni. It’s been tough waiting, but it’s tough moving when you’re in secondary. I think either do it before year 7 or wait until year 11 or 13.

@BruFord Thank you for your reply and I’m happy to hear the move was positive for you.

@Coldfeetaswell sorry to hear the move wasn’t good for you. I would hate for that to be the case with my child. Did it alter your relationship with your parents?

@EndlesslyDecluttering Thank you for your reply. Although hard initially, I’m glad it was ok for you In the end. Did you stay close to the new town when you were an adult or did you return to your hometown?

@SociableAtWork Thank you for your reply and amazing to hear it was such a positive experience for you. Trapped is exactly how I feel here.

@Zanatdy Thank you for your reply. It will be impossible for us to wait that long for various reasons, so for us it really is now or never. If we could wait that long we would.

Replying as a teen that was moved in year 7, rather than a parent who moved my child to offer a different perspective. We moved within a year of me going to secondary school, the plan was to move before I started but our house sale fell through.
It absolutely didn't affect my relationship with my parents at all. We're super close. It was nerve wracking at the time, but I got over that in the first few weeks and made new friends. They moved so that we could be closer to a big city as we we're living in the sticks and I benefitted massively from it as I grew older.
We actually moved quite a lot as my parents liked to renovate houses and move on. My mum was a stay at home mum and it was practically her hobby. It definitely made me more resilient and socially capable. I don't have any resentment towards them at all for it.

@CuriousMoe Thank you so much for your reply, it’s really good to hear that it was a positive experience for you at the same age as my child. This is exactly what I would wish it to be like for my child. Did you make friendships as strong as you had In your original school?
Did you stay closer to the new area when you were an adult? Did you have any pull to return to your hometown?

@ChargingMyPhone it didn’t affect my relationship with my parents at the time. I was a very obedient child and would never have questioned my parents decision. Now as a parent I can’t believe they did that to me. I would never move my child at such a late time in secondary school. It’s made me see them in a different light.

I really think your situation is different though. 12 is young enough to adjust I would move now if you can. Later will be more difficult.