Advice needed from people who relocated when their children were teenagers (especially if those teenagers are now adults)

[ChargingMyPhone]

I am facing a crossroads moment in my life. I have 2 choices.

1 is to stay in our hometown where my life is very miserable with not much chance for improvement surrounded by several toxic family members, but where my 12 year old child is settled and happy. If we stay this will be permanent as circumstances mean that we won’t be able to move later on.

Or 2. To put myself first and to move to the other side of the UK to a place where I feel happy but with worry that I don’t know what school my child will be placed in or whether they could settle somewhere else.

I worry staying here is going to destroy me, but I’m worried moving away will destroy our relationship with our child as I know they do not want to move.

I would love some advice, especially from people who now have adult children who did a big move when their children were teenagers. Did it effect your relationship with your children? Did it work out positively or negatively? Or if you chose not to move away when they were teenagers, did you regret not taking the chance?

@ChargingMyPhone I left initially at 18 to go to uni and never went back home as such, moved around a bit for about 15 years for work but then made a conscious decision to move back to the county my family had moved to (my parents still live in the same house), we are about half an hour’s drive away. I have never been back to the old town, I kept in touch with a couple of friends by letter for a bit (this was in the 70s) but then it drifted. Both my parents came from much further away originally and had only moved there around when I was born so we had no relatives in that town and mum and dad only kept in touch with a few people too. It took me a couple of years and going to secondary school to make really good new friends after moving but I was ok-ish those last couple of years in the village primary, I made one friend there and was invited to parties etc, but did feel like an outsider till secondary school. My parents BTW took to their new jobs and new location very well, both stayed with their new employers till they retired and made lots of friends, had a great social life, overall it turned out to be a very good move. If anyone asks me where I’m from I say our/their adopted county, it is definitely my home now.

If it benefits you and your DH, it will benefit your child. Having happy parents is everything. If you do your research on schools, clubs etc, you can hit the ground running and just make sure you give your child enough support to settle in, make new friends etc.

I take full responsibility for my bad decisions and I think my parents made the right decision moving. I just needed more support.

My parents were/are silent generation and I guess that having lived through WWII and nazi occupation, a house move was considered no big deal. The reality was that I changed schools every two years from the age of 12 and it was that, and having to make new friends every time that was most difficult and destabilising for me.

You sound as if you understand the effect it could have on your child, so will be able to mitigate those effects. I always knew that my parents were happy and that they loved me, which was important too.

Honestly? My parents moved from Cheshire to the south coast so my father could take the job we wanted when I was 13. It was a few weeks after the start of the third year of secondary school (the start of the school year would have been better!).

I was pretty unhappy and I never replaced my childhood best friend. I was quite lonely. It may or may not have had a longer term impact on me and my confidence, it's hard to know, but I don't think it damaged my relationship with my parents at all, and I would probably always have found friendships and social stuff difficult to be honest.

It did, however, influence me in that it made me prioritise staying in one village for my own children, and also for my own friendships. We've been here since they were pre-school age, 20 years ago. We won't be moving!

Yes! I exchanged one letter with Ty my friend group 😳

@unsync Thank you for your reply. It has made me feel much better about things. I feel so stressed constantly here and I think no matter how hard I try not to let it, it’s bound to have an effect on my child.
When we visit the place DH and I want to move to I feel like a weight has been lifted off me.

I just don’t want it to be a huge mistake for my child.

@irregularegular Thank you for sharing your experience. Sorry to hear your move was difficult for you. This is a worry of mine. My child has a best friend and a small wider group of friends, but isn’t particularly social. I worry whether the move would be unsettling in that respect.

DH was moved from a very good London Grammar school to a standard comprehensive in Essex at 14. He had no say in the matter. He settled well at the new school but I know he thinks staying in London would have given him a far better education and life chances. The move benefitted his parents and him in that the move meant they could have a house rather than a small flat but at his expense, educationally.

We moved abroad when our DS was 10. He went to a very good primary but wasn't that happy there so was quite content to move. He settled well despite having to learn another language and did very well academically. He is now Head of Languages at a large London Secondary.

@fussychica Thank you for the reply and the 2 perspectives that you have shared.

The swap of schools wouldn’t be quite as big as your DHs. Currently my child attends a standard comprehensive school, but it’s considered the best in our town (good results and behaviour), the swap would be to whatever comprehensive has places in the new area. But I do worry that could impact my child’s education and school experience.

I think this whole thing would be easier if my child didn’t like their current school particularly, like your child felt. It’s good to hear that your son thrived with a much bigger move.

If only I could see the future this would be much easier!

I moved at 10, 11, 12 and 16!
Accents don’t matter and vary in childhood anyway.

I had no say in the matter, so didn’t blame my parents, except that my education was totally messed up. One move at this age is fine. He will find his feet.

i would say move , and keep hand-wringing to a minimum.

Are you moving to a like for like area? E.g town to town/ village to village/ city to city? I think it can be hard to go from city life to a small town or village or go from village to city life. But something like for like - town to town won't be too much of a change.

I would say your DC will generally be fine and will make friends. People move all the time. Depending on where you move to there may be things like scouts, sports clubs or gaming clubs your DC could join to try and find some familiar faces before starting school.

In terms of how likely are they to stay in the new area, it depends very much on job opportunities and ultimately what path they chose to follow. Some DC go off to uni and don't come back, others go off and move back a few years later. Some DC don't go to uni but get jobs and then move location for a better job. Some DC meet a partner and move to be near their partner.

@Icecreamandcoffee yes, it’s pretty much like for like. Town to town - but our town is quite rough (it’s one of the ones that comes up a lot on here when people talk about horrible places they’ve visited that they never want to go to again!) where as the one we want to move to has a much better reputation.

Are you able to say where up North. I’m just being nosey. 😀

We moved away for my dad’s job when I was 13. We were a close family unit and we knew we always had each other. My parents always stressed all the positive opportunities of the move and didn’t dwell on any doubts. I was always reassured I’d make plenty of new friends.

I had a hobby and my parents made enquiries in the new area before we moved so I went straight into a club the minute we arrived. By the time I started school 3 weeks later I already knew people. I settled into school quickly and there were also other new children starting.

Put the needs of the whole family first and don’t overthink it. Kids that age do not have the life experience to base decisions about moving on

Good luck

we moved when I was 13 and my sister 11 and we both think was the best thing our parents did for us even though we felt quite happy before we moved.
I would move soon if I were you, well before any exam years, girlfriends etc. My DS (14) has had a considerable number of new pupils join his school in Y7 and 8, they all seem to mix easily as if they’d always been there.

I work in secondary and see quite a lot of pupils move in and out. I would do it now as soon as possible, 12 is a good age but it gets harder as they get older. I’ll always remember one lad who moved into my last school in year 10 because both his parents had died and he had moved to live with his grandparents - now that is tough. He threw himself into the life of the school though, I don’t know how he did it - amazing really.

My parents moved from London to the north when I was 12 and my brother 14. We didn’t want to go, but it turned out to be the best thing ever: everything was just more relaxed than in London. We both thrived in our new school and easily made loads of friends - perhaps in part because we had ‘celebrity’ status because of our accents. Apart from a very difficult first year (frayed nerves all round), it was a very happy time and if anything, drew us closer together as a family. The only downside, from my parents’ perspective, was that having moved once, both my brother and I found it easy to move again, as there wasn’t a lifetime's weight of inertia binding us to one spot, and we both spent many years as adults living a long way away from our parents.
If I were in your shoes, I would go for it.

We moved when kids were 5 & 2 and again when they were 12 & 9, they are now 29 & 26.
It was the right decision in both cases, we needed to move for work in the first instance and second move was a lifestyle choice.

As a child who was moved around the uk a lot I'd say can't you wait? I see all sides but it's so hard to settle if you move in year. If your child is super outgoing maybe not but if they are more shy then it's a huge risk. My dd tells me about her primary friends who have made no new friends at all in year 7 and that really worries me.

When I was a child I moved to a different country every few years, with a different language, culture, school etc. each time. It made me resilient and adaptable, and I can totally see why people are saying it will be fine. Having said that, I wouldn't do it to a settled, happy 13yo - it's too high risk, and there is too much at stake - that time of life is so hard already. I would do what you can to mitigate the stuff you hate and make a run for it when he's older.

Most children like what they know and would avoid change if they can. If you are moving for positive reasons for the whole family , part of which is your own well being and moving away from negative influences where you are now , then that's the right thing to do and you can support him with the move. All you can do is make the best decisions as you see it now.

I would absolutely move assuming you can get a school place in a different school. Children are very flexible and resilient.

I moved about 2 hours away at 12. It was totally fine. I loved my new school. Made new friends quickly, many of whom I am still close to now in my mid 40s (even though I’ve moved to the other side of the world). I loved my new home and area. 12 is still very young and it’s still in the time when friends are shuffling around. It was nothing but positive for me.

I moved my own children, though at a younger age, and again, completely adjusted in 2 weeks. The older one does still keep in touch with friends from old house, but whole new set of best friends here.

I also have dysfunctional family who I am NC. I didn’t specifically move to get away from them. But moving did mean they no longer no where we live. It’s wonderful. You cannot put a price on peace and I’ve properly broken the cycle for my own children.

If I knew my child would move away from this town themselves when they were an adult then I would wait. I don’t mean I would follow them where they moved, we would still move to where we really want to be. But, I wouldn’t leave them in this vipers nest with our extended family. The family have form for driving wedges between family members and causing chaos. They do that triangulation thing. If our child stayed as an adult and we moved away then it would be almost a guarantee that they would try and turn our child against us.
But also our ages would make moving difficult later on. We wouldn’t get the mortgage we would need to do it because of our ages.

I can’t even begin to describe the impact our families have had on our lives. When we went NC/LC they did a smear campaign on us - contacted our places of work, friends our neighbours, our child’s school. They’ve done a lot of damage already, and I’m just trying to mitigate that for our child.

If our toxic family members vanished off the planet tomorrow I wouldn’t leave here and my child would remain in their school. I don’t want to disrupt their education, but I also don’t want their life ruined by our family.

Thanks for sharing this, it really puts things into perspective. The boy you mentioned sounds really resilient.

I was moved when I was 13 from a pretty little town to the burbs of a big city.
I had fond memories growing up in the town and wanted the same experience for my own children so moved back to the country as an adult. My parents are still in the city but my teenage years weren’t the best so I don’t actually like going back there to visit.

Sorry to hear that was your experience. This is what puts me off moving a bit.

I think perhaps I need to accept that I’m trapped. I don’t want my pain transferred onto my child instead.