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Original poster

DS strangled at school - would you follow up?

65 replies

Esgaroth · 07/05/2025 21:04

DS is 7 years old. I received a phone call from his class teacher today to inform me that he had been attacked in the classroom by another boy, who I will call Jack but obviously that is not his real name.

Jack and DS were having a verbal argument about cheating in a game they had been playing and Jack then slapped DS, bit his face and then placed his hands round my DS' throat and strangled him. DS did not retaliate, he was just trying to get away.

The teacher was able to separate them soon after Jack grabbed my DS' throat so he was only very briefly strangled and there are no marks on his neck, thank goodness. He does have a bite mark on his face. He was very frightened.

The teacher said that he had comforted DS and spoken to Jack and that Jack had then apologised to DS. The teacher said that DS wasn't upset for long and went off to after school club happily.

I went to pick him up right after the phone call as I was worried about him. He told me in his own words what happened and it tallied with what the teacher had told me. He did say that Jack had 'raged' at him (by which I think he means that Jack lost control) and he was really scared, but that he was feeling OK now.

I'm happy with how it was dealt with as a one off incident but should I follow up with this due to the severity of the violence? I consider strangling to be quite a way beyond slapping and pushing or even biting and I hate to think what would have happened if the teacher had been just a bit later in separating them.

It's not bullying and I don't want to overreact but at the same time I don't want to let DS down. Would you leave it there or is there something else we should be asking about?

OP posts:
BellesAndGraces · 07/05/2025 22:19

wafflesmgee · 07/05/2025 22:13

Also yes strangling is very severe but a child may not realise that if they play fortnight every night until 3am. Again just for context. School may be having to parent Jack because his own parents may not be able to/cant.
id also teach your son to spend as little time as possible with Jack from now on.

Not the OP’s or OP’s son’s problem.

Readytohealnow · 07/05/2025 22:20

Absolutely this needs further action.
If Jack reacts like this over something trivial imagine what he could do if someone really hacked him off. And what happens when he gets bigger and stronger? What if he attacks a younger or more slightly built child next time? It’s not worth thinking about!
And I am never ‘that parent’ who gets involved.

CaptainFuture · 07/05/2025 22:20

@Switcher Ah so it's OK.... well if a 7 yo strangling another 7yo is OK for you, you're happy with an adult your age strangling you?....

BellesAndGraces · 07/05/2025 22:21

Switcher · 07/05/2025 22:17

Not sure people can quite picture how weak a 7 year old "strangling" anyone is. Obviously not acceptable and I'd expect the child to be punished by the school, regardless of whether he said sorry. I'd hope the parents were involved. But I'm not sure what else is supposed to happen. I've noticed people catastrophize small boys behaving violently and tend to want to put the same small girls behaviour into context.

Edited

So “boys will be boys”?

Original poster
Esgaroth · 07/05/2025 22:23

wafflesmgee · 07/05/2025 22:14

Don’t assume the school have failed though! Teachers are all doing their best in difficult circumstances

Show quote history

I do think the class teacher handled it as best he could. He stopped it, he looked after my son and he spoke to Jack and Jack apologised. He made sure DS was feeling better before he went off to after school club and he immediately informed me.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 07/05/2025 22:24

School should not be telling you what they are doing specifically about Jack, but they should be able to tell you how they will be looking after your DC.

School were quick to tell you what happened, so I don’t see that they are brushing it under the carpet.

It must be remembered no matter how many things a school puts in place incidents like this can happen (just think how quickly siblings can turn on each other). But schools must try and reduce the chance of these incidents happening

Switcher · 07/05/2025 22:24

CaptainFuture · 07/05/2025 22:20

@Switcher Ah so it's OK.... well if a 7 yo strangling another 7yo is OK for you, you're happy with an adult your age strangling you?....

Umm I'm not sure what point you're making. That was the point I was making, that people view the grip strength of a child as proportional to their size. It isn't. If it was then there would most certainly be a mark. The whole reason the school has treated it the way they have is because of this. But I have no clue, it's just my take. I mean the way people go on I feel like they'd be unhappy with anything less than 5 years in borstal.

1SillySossij · 07/05/2025 22:25

Switcher · 07/05/2025 22:17

Not sure people can quite picture how weak a 7 year old "strangling" anyone is. Obviously not acceptable and I'd expect the child to be punished by the school, regardless of whether he said sorry. I'd hope the parents were involved. But I'm not sure what else is supposed to happen. I've noticed people catastrophize small boys behaving violently and tend to want to put the same small girls behaviour into context.

Edited

This it is very unlikely that a 7 year olds strangling was strong or sustained enough to cause any serious risk.

stichguru · 07/05/2025 22:25

Esgaroth · 07/05/2025 22:07

What should I be asking to see specifically? A plan that involves closer supervision of Jack or will that be none of my business? An agreement that they will not be near each other?

I think you could ask for a plan as to how Jack's classmates will be protected should Jack show anger in this way again. I wouldn't specify "closer supervision of Jack" as such, I would go from the point of view of your son. So the measures you want to see are Jack not being able to strangle him again. You would be well in your rights to ask that they won't be near each other, but, if you can go for how others are protected from Jack. Obviously for you, your son's wellbeing is number 1, but if you go for "them not being near each other" that kind of lets the school excuse letting a child be violent to a kid, by protecting one other kid.

NC28 · 07/05/2025 22:28

I’m firmly in the camp where kids are taught to defend themselves against anyone who puts their hands on them like this.

CaptainFuture · 07/05/2025 22:39

NC28 · 07/05/2025 22:28

I’m firmly in the camp where kids are taught to defend themselves against anyone who puts their hands on them like this.

Agree, but a view oft met with horror on here, most often by parents of the violent initial aggressive violent kids, who seem to think other dc shouldn't be allowed to defend themselves or retaliate to being assaulted, but should 'be kind'...

Apreslapluielesoleil · 07/05/2025 22:40

I think as a start you have a meeting with the head and teacher and ask to see in writing their plan of how your child will be kept safe in school. I taught children with “challenging behaviour” as it was then described and I drew the line very firmly on ever laying hands on another child. Any physical violence was dealt with immediately and severely.

ARichtGoodDram · 07/05/2025 22:41

Switcher · 07/05/2025 22:17

Not sure people can quite picture how weak a 7 year old "strangling" anyone is. Obviously not acceptable and I'd expect the child to be punished by the school, regardless of whether he said sorry. I'd hope the parents were involved. But I'm not sure what else is supposed to happen. I've noticed people catastrophize small boys behaving violently and tend to want to put the same small girls behaviour into context.

Edited

I've always found it the opposite.

"Boys will be boys" means boys of 7 can go around strangling their classmates and people minimise it to a ridiculous degree.

Then they're all surprised when we have considerably bigger and stronger boys of 15 causing a nightmare at school and home.

Violence like strangling should never ever be played down.

RobertJohnsonsShoes · 07/05/2025 22:45

He bit his face?! My gosh that’s really terrible. I don’t think forgive and forget is the right strategy and you do need to continue working with the school. And actually it’s okay to teach your child to hit back.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 07/05/2025 22:47

INeedAnotherName · 07/05/2025 22:14

If my child was strangled I would be contacting the Police. Slapping and biting end up in injuries, strangling ends up with death. What has that child been watching/seeing at home to make him put his hands around another child's neck?

My thoughts too.

Strangling is such a violent act, and absolutely can be fatal. It's very alarming that a young child is doing this and he needs to be monitored very closely.

NC28 · 07/05/2025 22:50

CaptainFuture · 07/05/2025 22:39

Agree, but a view oft met with horror on here, most often by parents of the violent initial aggressive violent kids, who seem to think other dc shouldn't be allowed to defend themselves or retaliate to being assaulted, but should 'be kind'...

Show quote history

Definitely. We see “my DD has been crying all night because she doesn’t want to go to school tomorrow, she’s too afraid” and “DS has been withdrawn and keeps bed wetting after being bullied, what can I do?”.

Then, in the same breath, any suggestion that their child be taught some techniques to physically defend themselves and let the other kid know that they won’t get away with it is met with “but they’ll grow up to be violent. They’ll be stabbed one day. What if Johnny who’s made your child’s life hell has an alcoholic mother? 💔”.

Thelosthalfathought · 07/05/2025 22:53

Go to the school asking for reassurance they will not be a repeat, also that any punishment Jack receives might give him an extra reason to attack again.

Teach you son to say in an assertive but not aggressive voice “Stop it, I don’t like it, Don’t Touch Me” - don’t touch me has a way of tapping into school adults safeguarding training and will swivel heads towards your son quickly.

My Dd used this phrase with boys who kept pulling her hair and arms to get a reaction. Using the phrase above stopped them sharpish as teachers paid attention much quicker than screams, squeals and shouting. We practiced the phrase a lot to get the tone and words out slowly so there was no mistaking what she said. I’m

Adviceneededpleasehelpme · 07/05/2025 22:54

100% follow up with the school. You need to ask how they plan to safeguard your child. This is terrible, your poor boy 😔

Newstarters · 07/05/2025 22:55

CaptainFuture · 07/05/2025 22:39

Agree, but a view oft met with horror on here, most often by parents of the violent initial aggressive violent kids, who seem to think other dc shouldn't be allowed to defend themselves or retaliate to being assaulted, but should 'be kind'...

Show quote history

I agree with both of you.

I was the type of kid who wouldn’t hit back so I’m glad I grew up in the 90s in a school where this kind of thing just didn’t happen.

But if I had a child being treated like this I’d want them to fight back as a way to defend themselves and deter the attacking child.

Newstarters · 07/05/2025 22:57

And for people minimising the strangling because his grip will be “weak” did you miss the part where OPs son has a mark on his face from being bit and was slapped?

Original poster
Esgaroth · 07/05/2025 23:01

I'm not sure DS really had a lot of time to fight back and it sounds like he was in shock at the time from how he described it, but I will certainly be letting him know that it's OK with me if he needs to defend himself physically.

It's a great idea to practise with him what to say, don't touch me, etc.

I do hope that this will be a one off but you have given me some excellent pointers for how specifically to follow up. Because I don't think the teacher could have done more in the moment, I wasn't sure what I should be asking for. This level of incident has never happened with one of my children before.

I am sure Jack's parents were also informed but obviously I wouldn't be told about that.

OP posts:
Mexicansky · 07/05/2025 23:07

My son is 7 and was strangled by a class mate last week. They were playing football and my son tackled his class mate a bit too enthusiastically. Class mate retaliated and strangled him - I think more in a headlock than hands on his throat. But sufficient for my son to need his inhaler!
it was at lunchtime and class teacher dealt with it initially but the head was informed and she rang me to tell me and to let me know my son was ok.
she could not tell me who the other child was but said his parents had been informed and that school were taking it seriously.

I do think the head should have been involved in your case. It sounds more serious with the biting as well!

BlondiePortz · 07/05/2025 23:15

Well I dont blame you for wanting more informartion but how the school handles it with the other child and their parents is seperate to you and your child so not sure what you would be following up, other than the school saying again it has been dealt with and the school will keep an eye on things not sure what else they can say?

TatteredAndTorn · 08/05/2025 01:47

Gundogday · 07/05/2025 21:12

I think that’s pretty violent and I would follow up. Jack did three aggressive acts - slapping, biting and strangling. That’s serious violence.

I’m not sure whether a one-off episode can be called bullying, but that’s irrelevant. Jack showed a level of violence that shoujdn’t be seen in any school, and your son was frightened. You need to know what actions are being taken to prevent this happening again. Don’t let the school fob you off by excusing the boy (for sen/adhd/family background etc reasons) , you need to advocate for your child and his safety.

(disclaimer - I know ADHD and sen etc doesn’t result in violent children, but some people use it as an excuse)

Having ADHD and SEN can make some children more likely to exhibit violent behaviour. It’s not an excuse. Doesn’t mean the OP needs to just accept it of course. She should advocate for her child.

coxesorangepippin · 08/05/2025 01:53

Your son is your concern, not Jack

So yes, I'd follow up

And even if Jack has behavioural issues/ADHD/ASD etc etc, it's YOUR son you need to think of

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