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Feeling so low after contacting siblings

43 replies

Poppyyoutwat · 07/05/2025 18:51

My father had three daughters in a marriage before I was born. He and his first wife split in the mid 70s when those children were aged 20-25. They didn’t want much contact with him, only a few letters and birthday cards form one of them over the years. He met and married my mum a few years later and I was born, I never met any of them, but he always spoke about them.

He died two years ago, and going through his stuff recently, I found loads of their childhood photos, from when they were babies, up until their parents split. I didn’t want to get rid of them, so I tracked two of them down on social media and messaged them, saying who I was and that I would like to post them the photographs.

They both responded saying yes please, thier mum had died a decade ago and they would love them. She had early onset dementia and destroyed everything when she was ill, so they had nothing left. They didn’t ask anything about me or my dad, which I understand. They are in their 70s now and it’s been a long time. I did tell them where he was buried and when he died,

I had a few back and forth messages with them both, sent the photos to which the one I sent them to messaged thanks, we received them.

Then I found myself blocked by both of them.

I wasn’t expecting some big, tearful meeting, or for them to have any interest in me or my dad. But I’m so fucking alone, my father was my only family, and for a couple of days there, I’d hoped that maybe we would stay in touch. They have children who are around my age. I feel so stupid, they owe me nothing. But I’m just really sad about it and now I feel more alone than ever.

I’ll get over it, but it fucking stings.

OP posts:
Poppyyoutwat · 07/05/2025 18:51

Sorry, I don’t even know why I’m posting, I just feel so alone.

OP posts:
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 07/05/2025 18:53

That is horrible, I’m so sorry, OP. xx

Poppyyoutwat · 07/05/2025 19:03

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 07/05/2025 18:53

That is horrible, I’m so sorry, OP. xx

I understand, I’m a stranger to them and so was my dad after all these years. I’d just allowed myself to have a bit of hope for a few days, so I feel daft.

OP posts:

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Tamarastar · 07/05/2025 19:04

I'm so sorry your kindness has resulted in more hurt for you. It's possible they have a lot of hurt too linked to their parents' divorce as there was no contact with their father and you as his ' new' family. Hope you are able to build really strong relationships with friends instead, of all ages. Sending best wishes xx

Havingasmashingtime · 07/05/2025 19:07

Assuming you have their address from sending the photos- you should write them a letter.

i imagine they see you as a reason they don’t have a dad (which obviously is not the case) but perhaps if they knew what you have told us they would think differently

I really hope you get some nice news or closure

Poppyyoutwat · 07/05/2025 19:08

Tamarastar · 07/05/2025 19:04

I'm so sorry your kindness has resulted in more hurt for you. It's possible they have a lot of hurt too linked to their parents' divorce as there was no contact with their father and you as his ' new' family. Hope you are able to build really strong relationships with friends instead, of all ages. Sending best wishes xx

I have a husband (although, he’s not great) and young children. But no one else. My children are too young to know all this, obviously.

I know there must have been a lot of hurt for them, I only know snippets from the letters he had kept from one of them. I don’t know why they split up, but there are letters over the years from one them saying they didn’t want to meet up as they were busy, so he must have asked them to.

OP posts:
paranoiaofpufflings · 07/05/2025 19:09

This is very sad. You did a really kind thing by sending them the photos. It’s sad that they have then blocked you.

FWIW, it might not necessarily be the case that they didn’t want contact with him, but that it was too difficult or complicated to maintain it. I say that as someone whose dad left - I desperately miss him and love him, but there are valid reasons I’m not keeping contact with him now. There’s always more than one side to a story.

Perhaps you remind them of the loss of their father and so they’ve rejected you. In turn, the rejection and “loss” of your siblings has highlighted the loss of your dad and stirred up the grief. But nothing anyone else says or does takes away from the relationship you had with him.

NeverOneBiscuit · 07/05/2025 19:09

That’s horrible. You did a kind hearted and generous thing, you didn’t deserve that reaction.

Who knows what went on between them, their/your dad & their mum. Whatever it was you certainly had no part in it.

At least you have a clear line drawn, albeit a very sad one. Take strength from those already in your life 💪

Poppyyoutwat · 07/05/2025 19:12

Havingasmashingtime · 07/05/2025 19:07

Assuming you have their address from sending the photos- you should write them a letter.

i imagine they see you as a reason they don’t have a dad (which obviously is not the case) but perhaps if they knew what you have told us they would think differently

I really hope you get some nice news or closure

I did tell them. I told them about myself, that aside from my husband and children, he was my only family. A few things that had happened in his life. Not much - I had figured they wouldn’t care, why should they, but they didn’t respond to it. It was just a few messages about our grandparents (who they still had a relationship with).

OP posts:
Onelifeonly · 07/05/2025 19:13

That just sounds cruel. Regardless of their feelings re their (your) father, you did a thoughtful thing and it feels like it has been stamped on. Surely a bit of messaging around the fact you are half siblings couldn't be beyond them, even if it never led to a meet up or more of a relationship. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

VirgosNeedGoals · 07/05/2025 19:15

What a pair of nasty people OP there was no need at all. Very cruel of them, concentrate on your children and it's totally normal to feel hurt about this. I'd be crushed x

Musclewoman · 07/05/2025 19:18

They don't sound worth bothering with anyway if they just blocked you with no explanation!

Poppyyoutwat · 07/05/2025 19:20

paranoiaofpufflings · 07/05/2025 19:09

This is very sad. You did a really kind thing by sending them the photos. It’s sad that they have then blocked you.

FWIW, it might not necessarily be the case that they didn’t want contact with him, but that it was too difficult or complicated to maintain it. I say that as someone whose dad left - I desperately miss him and love him, but there are valid reasons I’m not keeping contact with him now. There’s always more than one side to a story.

Perhaps you remind them of the loss of their father and so they’ve rejected you. In turn, the rejection and “loss” of your siblings has highlighted the loss of your dad and stirred up the grief. But nothing anyone else says or does takes away from the relationship you had with him.

I would understand more if they were small when their parents split, but they had all left home and all three were married themselves when he left (all their wedding photos were there). I know there is still hurt, but I would have understood more of he had left small children, they were all married adults.

OP posts:
Leafy3 · 07/05/2025 19:23

It sounds like they thought you'd want to build a relationship with them but it was very cruel of them to take from you like that and then just block you. They don't sound like very nice people.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 07/05/2025 19:26

I hope they will rethink. A colleague’s dh found out very late that he had a half sibling - he and his sisters had never been told about their DM’s illegitimate first baby, which she was not allowed to keep. He and all but one of his siblings refused to have anything to do with the new ‘half’’

Colleague was dreadfully upset on their behalf - she was herself adopted and had later been rejected by her birth mother after tracing her.
However, after some time they were thank goodness all reconciled and developed friendly relationships. Initially I suppose it was the shock that was affecting them.

I do think the letter, as suggested by a pp, would be a good idea, though perhaps best to wait just a little while?

Poppyyoutwat · 07/05/2025 19:33

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 07/05/2025 19:26

I hope they will rethink. A colleague’s dh found out very late that he had a half sibling - he and his sisters had never been told about their DM’s illegitimate first baby, which she was not allowed to keep. He and all but one of his siblings refused to have anything to do with the new ‘half’’

Colleague was dreadfully upset on their behalf - she was herself adopted and had later been rejected by her birth mother after tracing her.
However, after some time they were thank goodness all reconciled and developed friendly relationships. Initially I suppose it was the shock that was affecting them.

I do think the letter, as suggested by a pp, would be a good idea, though perhaps best to wait just a little while?

I don’t know, I think I’ll just leave it.

I mean, they have known of my existence for the last 44 years. I was mentioned in the letters (“Glad to hear Poppy is getting on well” and then telling him about their children the same age etc).

They could have found me anytime if they wanted to, I never changed my surname, it’s the same as it always was.

No living family (our grandparents died in the 1980s), they didn’t know he had died, obviously, until I contacted them. He was in his 90s though, so they must have guessed he’d be gone.

OP posts:
user1471453601 · 07/05/2025 19:41

I'm in my 70s and some time ago, my adult child received an email from someone I'm fairly sure was her father's sister.

It was a heart wrenching moment for me. Not because I had ill will, but the can of worms it could open.

I left my child's father over 50 years ago, because he beat me up so very badly, when child was a babe in arms.

My adult child is gay all my family know and accept this.

Contact with this aunt would potentially mean I have to explain why I'd left adult child's father. I've never told any of them or my child, I didn't see the need. and adult child would have to face coming out again to a whole new group of people, and has no idea if they are homophobic or not.

So, can of worms.

Maybe your half siblings have their reasons, reasons you are better off not knowing.

PrettyPuss · 07/05/2025 19:44

Oh sweetheart, so sorry about your dad and that this has happened with his daughters.

Your dad sounds like a good person as do you. Families are complicated and these sisters obviously decided a long time ago not to have much of a relationship with their (and your) dad. Some people are just like that, they’re stubborn and they'd rather slam the door shut than attempt to view a situation from a different perspective.

Life’s too short for it but the most important thing is that your dad would be very proud of you for finding them and sending them the photos.

paranoiaofpufflings · 07/05/2025 19:46

Poppyyoutwat · 07/05/2025 19:20

I would understand more if they were small when their parents split, but they had all left home and all three were married themselves when he left (all their wedding photos were there). I know there is still hurt, but I would have understood more of he had left small children, they were all married adults.

You can’t understand their situation though, that was my point. You weren’t there and you will only have heard your dad’s version of life. Their’s will be different and for whatever reasons, they didn’t keep contact with him. I was 40 when my dad left, it was incredibly hurtful and there are reasons it’s too difficult for me to have much of a relationship with him. He doesn’t appreciate those reasons and would tell a different story. Just be thankful you had your dad for the time you did and be content you did a good deed for your siblings.

Poppyyoutwat · 07/05/2025 20:00

paranoiaofpufflings · 07/05/2025 19:09

This is very sad. You did a really kind thing by sending them the photos. It’s sad that they have then blocked you.

FWIW, it might not necessarily be the case that they didn’t want contact with him, but that it was too difficult or complicated to maintain it. I say that as someone whose dad left - I desperately miss him and love him, but there are valid reasons I’m not keeping contact with him now. There’s always more than one side to a story.

Perhaps you remind them of the loss of their father and so they’ve rejected you. In turn, the rejection and “loss” of your siblings has highlighted the loss of your dad and stirred up the grief. But nothing anyone else says or does takes away from the relationship you had with him.

It has brought up grief. My mum died when I was 18 months old, so it really was just me an my dad my whole life, so it’s hard.

OP posts:
TheProvincialLady · 07/05/2025 20:01

They have behaved horribly. You’re entitled to feel hurt. But just imagine how much more hurt you would have been had you built up any kind of rapport or relationship with them and then they behaved horribly - which inevitably they would have done, because they don’t sound like nice people. You’re much better off without people like that in your life.

Autumn90 · 09/05/2025 11:10

I’m sorry that your dad died.

You say that it stings for you how they blocked you. You also say that they didn’t have much contact with him after the divorce. I think whatever age or reason for a divorce would still hurt. I wouldn’t try and put yourself in their shoes as it isn’t possible.

Maybe consider that you don’t know how they feel and that having their half sister contact them could hurt too. If you think they could have contacted you maybe they feel the same about you. Their first contact from you was to say that Dad died two years ago. He is buried in this place. Do you want photos?

To them it will be like he just died. They have had next to no time to grieve.

I understand how it is hard for you but it is also hard for them. He was their Dad too. If they aren’t ready for a relationship with you then respect that.

Poppyyoutwat · 09/05/2025 13:18

Autumn90 · 09/05/2025 11:10

I’m sorry that your dad died.

You say that it stings for you how they blocked you. You also say that they didn’t have much contact with him after the divorce. I think whatever age or reason for a divorce would still hurt. I wouldn’t try and put yourself in their shoes as it isn’t possible.

Maybe consider that you don’t know how they feel and that having their half sister contact them could hurt too. If you think they could have contacted you maybe they feel the same about you. Their first contact from you was to say that Dad died two years ago. He is buried in this place. Do you want photos?

To them it will be like he just died. They have had next to no time to grieve.

I understand how it is hard for you but it is also hard for them. He was their Dad too. If they aren’t ready for a relationship with you then respect that.

I said I didn’t expect anything from them. I just felt stupid because I allowed myself a couple of days of hope that they would want to know me.

I didn’t/Im not going to push it. I won’t contact them again. And there was no easy way of telling them he was dead, I wouldn’t really have been contacting them after 44 years, about a man who was in his 90s for any other reason. I don’t know how else I could have put it really!

I told them where he was buried in case they ever wanted to visit his grave for their own reasons, they might feel they want to in the future, I don’t care if they do or don’t, but it was only right to give them that information so they had the option. I didn’t know if they would even receive the messages, let alone reply, so of course, I just sent them all the same message with all the info in it.

I just felt really down and stupid for allowing myself to think it might lead to something. I know they don’t owe me anything and have their own reasons. It’s not really about them, it’s about me.

OP posts:
Redfloralduvet · 12/05/2025 06:01

You're a nice person and an eternal optimist. The downside of that is the constant disappointment when you discover people/situations aren't what you hoped they'd be. You're not foolish, you're just someone with a positive mental attitude.

Having said that, I can see why they've blocked you. From their perspective, they could have sought you out at any time and they didn't want to. When you sought them out, they decided to take what you were offering (you'll never know if that was genuine or out of politeness), then on receiving your letter and it's contents they'd know you hoped for a relationship with them and they didn't want that so have blocked you in an attempt to prevent any further communication.

From their perspective it makes sense. They've obviously never thought of you from the perspective of what might be best for you, which is fair enough if they want to make their lives about themselves, so they're not acting out of character in not thinking of your well-being now. It's possible they're even irrationally cross with you for not telling them their father had died at the time it happened. You'll never know.

I hope you can find good friends to share your life with, although I do appreciate it's not quite the same as having loving family.

RoseofRoses · 12/05/2025 06:08

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