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Feeling so low after contacting siblings

43 replies

Poppyyoutwat · 07/05/2025 18:51

My father had three daughters in a marriage before I was born. He and his first wife split in the mid 70s when those children were aged 20-25. They didn’t want much contact with him, only a few letters and birthday cards form one of them over the years. He met and married my mum a few years later and I was born, I never met any of them, but he always spoke about them.

He died two years ago, and going through his stuff recently, I found loads of their childhood photos, from when they were babies, up until their parents split. I didn’t want to get rid of them, so I tracked two of them down on social media and messaged them, saying who I was and that I would like to post them the photographs.

They both responded saying yes please, thier mum had died a decade ago and they would love them. She had early onset dementia and destroyed everything when she was ill, so they had nothing left. They didn’t ask anything about me or my dad, which I understand. They are in their 70s now and it’s been a long time. I did tell them where he was buried and when he died,

I had a few back and forth messages with them both, sent the photos to which the one I sent them to messaged thanks, we received them.

Then I found myself blocked by both of them.

I wasn’t expecting some big, tearful meeting, or for them to have any interest in me or my dad. But I’m so fucking alone, my father was my only family, and for a couple of days there, I’d hoped that maybe we would stay in touch. They have children who are around my age. I feel so stupid, they owe me nothing. But I’m just really sad about it and now I feel more alone than ever.

I’ll get over it, but it fucking stings.

OP posts:
Motnight · 12/05/2025 06:21

Tamarastar · 07/05/2025 19:04

I'm so sorry your kindness has resulted in more hurt for you. It's possible they have a lot of hurt too linked to their parents' divorce as there was no contact with their father and you as his ' new' family. Hope you are able to build really strong relationships with friends instead, of all ages. Sending best wishes xx

I agree with this.

My DH found he had some half siblings. It bought a lot of unresolved issues to the front of his mind. He didn't block them on social media but he did make a decision not to become involved with them to protect his own mental health.

You sound like a kind and good person, Op.

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 12/05/2025 06:27

None of you had any kind of relationship for 44 years. You presumably knew of each other’s existence and yet you didn’t ever communicate.

IIRC there was a thread recently from an OP who was receiving constant communications from people who said they were associated with her family - a family she had long since gone NC with for very personal reasons.

These people actually pitched up at her house and wouldn’t take no for an answer which was far more pushy, but the gist of the thread was that these people should respect the OP’s not wanting to be in contact and leave it there.

I’m not a fan of blocking people in general, but tbh there was never going to be an easy way of saying they don’t want anything to do with you. Whether through blocking or saying it outright it was always going to hurt.

My parents are still together but if they hadn’t been and a younger sibling had popped up after years I honestly wouldn’t want to know. You’re not really siblings, you’re related by blood and that’s different.

My dad actually found out a few years ago that he has younger siblings. His dad buggered off when he was a teenager, remarried and had two more children, and never told any of them that he’d been married before and had five children already.

There was a bit of contact, but she wasn’t interested in a relationship (the other sibling died some years back), and some of my dad’s siblings didn’t want to know either. Not least because the picture of the dad painted in the new sibling’s life was vastly different to what they knew.

He was an arsehole. She never knew or suspected that, until she found out she had five siblings no-one had thought to tell her about.

Families are messy sometimes.

But these people have never been your siblings and tbh there’s no reason now why they might want that to change.

Doingmybest12 · 12/05/2025 06:29

It sounds like they've had a tough time with their mum having early on set dementia, lots on complicated feelings there. You've got in touch in your time of need but they've got their own lives and issues to resolve. They received the photos and said thank you. It does seem brutal to block you but maybe they just can't move on with how they feel , you've been an adult for a long time and have your needs now but they've had a long time of dealing with what ever it's all meant to them. Parents splitting up is really hard at any time if life. Sorry its not gone the way you hoped.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

ImaginedCorners · 12/05/2025 06:31

You did a nice thing, but it wasn’t really reasonable to expect people who have never had any form of relationship with you to assuage your loneliness. I’d focus on making new friends.

sandgrown · 12/05/2025 06:38

I think they could be upset they were not told he had died and been given the opportunity to attend his funeral for “closure” Unreasonably they may blame you and your mum for the marriage breakdown. You may find in time that they soften or even that their children reach out if they find out about you. My brother grew up not knowing his father. He eventually traced a sibling who didn’t want to stay in touch but did send photos of his father . My brother has recently been contacted by a nephew so don’t give up hope x

Feetinthegrass · 12/05/2025 06:58

It’s not about them. You are right op. They have their own pain and grief to deal with - and very gently given their ages maybe they have other things to worry about (health etc) and maybe for them it’s too much to have a step sibling in their lives at this point. This is their issue, not yours. Clearly they felt very rejected and abandoned, and decades later the contact from you has probably reopened all of that.

Your pain isn’t coming from them, they are strangers and never part of of your life, losing your father has reawakened the grief of never knowing your mother, never having a sibling of your own and the deep loneliness you describe. You need counselling to process all of this pain safely.

You were clearly close to your father and the loss of this presence must be so painful for you op. I can hear it in all of your posts.

You can build a chosen family in time, your own children and dh also provide a family life, but you are taking about a deep childhood trauma and that can’t be papered over. I am so sorry op 💐

Poppyyoutwat · 13/05/2025 08:17

Redfloralduvet · 12/05/2025 06:01

You're a nice person and an eternal optimist. The downside of that is the constant disappointment when you discover people/situations aren't what you hoped they'd be. You're not foolish, you're just someone with a positive mental attitude.

Having said that, I can see why they've blocked you. From their perspective, they could have sought you out at any time and they didn't want to. When you sought them out, they decided to take what you were offering (you'll never know if that was genuine or out of politeness), then on receiving your letter and it's contents they'd know you hoped for a relationship with them and they didn't want that so have blocked you in an attempt to prevent any further communication.

From their perspective it makes sense. They've obviously never thought of you from the perspective of what might be best for you, which is fair enough if they want to make their lives about themselves, so they're not acting out of character in not thinking of your well-being now. It's possible they're even irrationally cross with you for not telling them their father had died at the time it happened. You'll never know.

I hope you can find good friends to share your life with, although I do appreciate it's not quite the same as having loving family.

Omg, I am the exact opposite of an eternal optimist 🤣 I’m just going through a very hard time, unrelated to my father (he was very old, it wasn’t exactly a shock that he died), and I am feeling more alone than ever. So I had a few days of thinking, “wow, if I had a sibling, maybe I wouldn’t be so alone in this.”

I know why they blocked me and that’s fine, it’s thier lives. It’s not about them, it was about me feeling low.

OP posts:
Poppyyoutwat · 13/05/2025 08:43

sandgrown · 12/05/2025 06:38

I think they could be upset they were not told he had died and been given the opportunity to attend his funeral for “closure” Unreasonably they may blame you and your mum for the marriage breakdown. You may find in time that they soften or even that their children reach out if they find out about you. My brother grew up not knowing his father. He eventually traced a sibling who didn’t want to stay in touch but did send photos of his father . My brother has recently been contacted by a nephew so don’t give up hope x

I couldn’t tell them he had died. I didn’t even know their married names. There is no other family that I know of to have tried to get in touch with. There were only our grandparents in common who are long gone.

It was only a chance discovery in my dad’s things that I’ve only sorted now in the years since his death. It was a letter from one of them where she had made a joke about someone at work making a joke rhyme to her married name that she didn’t actually say - I worked it out from the joke and found her on Facebook - via her daughters name (I didn’t know her daughters name until I read it in a another letter either). I guessed it was her as I went though her friends list and found her mothers first name (she now has a different surname to her daughter), and she has friends with the first names of the other siblings - and they all bear a striking resemblance to my grandmother. There were never any addresses on the letters she sent, no full name, nothing. So I didn’t even know the area where they lived. So it was all guess work.

It wasn’t easy and these letters were in boxes up in a loft which took a while to sort through.

How on earth would I have told them he was dead before now, they weren’t easy to find? I am on the other hand, My name hasn’t changed since birth and we live at the house my dad did for 40 years, where one of them used to write to him to occasionally. But when you don’t know someone’s surname or even the area they may live, it’s a lot harder.

My dad met my mum 3 years after the divorce (which I do know for sure as she hadn’t set foot in this country until a year before they met, she was on the other side of the world!), so she wasn’t to blame for the marriage breaking down, they wouldn’t think that. I have actually found my dad’s divorce papers - it was her who left him for another man, but hey, it was a thousand years ago before I was born, and none of my business anyway.

OP posts:
netflixfan · 13/05/2025 08:48

Fancy blocking you!! You’re better off with them, nasty people. I do understand though, my only brother has blocked me and it’s a sad lonely feeling. 💐 hugs.

Poppyyoutwat · 13/05/2025 08:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

My dad was 50 my mum was 40. So no, it wasn’t like my mum was the same age as them.

There was no involvement just letters with one of them. I can only see her letters obviously, but there was a lot of her saying she couldn’t meet up as she was too busy with work, so I think he tried to see her over the years, but for what ever reason, she declined which is fair enough. She told him about her children and about her sisters children in some of the letters.

Anyway, it’s okay. I said from my OP they owe me nothing. I was/am just having a really shit time in life and it was a few days of thinking what if I’d had a family to help. That’s all. I don’t and didn’t expect a single thing from them, I just didn’t want to chuck their childhood photos in the skip.

OP posts:
Poppyyoutwat · 13/05/2025 09:04

netflixfan · 13/05/2025 08:48

Fancy blocking you!! You’re better off with them, nasty people. I do understand though, my only brother has blocked me and it’s a sad lonely feeling. 💐 hugs.

It’s okay, I do get it. They don’t know me, I could be an absolute head case for all they know who would start hounding them! They probably felt safer blocking me, it was just a bit of a punch to the stomach when I’m floored by my own problems and so low. But obviously, they don’t know my problems, they can only do what they feel is best for them.

im sorry about your brother, that must be so hurtful.

OP posts:
ballroomblue · 13/05/2025 09:37

The older you get the more you realise how selfish people are. You did a very kind thing, and no doubt they appreciated it as far as it soothed their own needs, but now they're satisfied they need nothing more from you. It's harsh and it really hurts.

I have half sisters who contacted me one day out of the blue after decades of silence. I thought they wanted to see me, but it turned out they needed to contact me as I was named, with them, to inherit from a will. They could not claim any of the money without my involvement. Once the will was sorted, they vanished into the ether again. You live and learn.

ImaginedCorners · 13/05/2025 09:39

Poppyyoutwat · 13/05/2025 09:04

It’s okay, I do get it. They don’t know me, I could be an absolute head case for all they know who would start hounding them! They probably felt safer blocking me, it was just a bit of a punch to the stomach when I’m floored by my own problems and so low. But obviously, they don’t know my problems, they can only do what they feel is best for them.

im sorry about your brother, that must be so hurtful.

I think that’s a very sane way to look at it, @Poppyyoutwat — be kind to yourself as you process this development, too.

CreationNat1on · 13/05/2025 09:53

They are in their 70s now, a different generation.

They might blame their mums early onset dementia on her "abandonment", they might have other family issues or health concerns to deal with. I think their blocking was cruel, who knows, maybe they have poor coping skills or arrested development.

They know where you are. I wouldn't reach out for the moment.

They may not want to welcome you with open arms, they might not want you to develop friendships with their offspring and be the new shiny pal with their children, they might want you to stay the anonymous half sister (who robbed their parent). All of this is very harsh on you, is there any other family on your mums side?

EveryChairIsWobbly · 13/05/2025 10:34

Sorry for your loss OP. I recently posted about feeling the loss of not have a relationship with extended family so this theme has been on my mind too.

We don’t know your sisters’ thought processes but I know I could imagine my mum’s thoughts if she at 70+ had a much younger long-lost sibling get in touch. I reckon, sadly, she’d be fatigued by the very idea of it, especially given the age gap. I reckon my mum would think there’s little benefit to her at this point and she’s already juggling a lot - so given her poor health, stress, various life problems, this new potential relationship might feel like a one-way drain on her reserves. I not saying that’s true, just that I can guess her thinking. I do think my mum is content with the people she has around her and has very low tolerance for meeting new people now. Her energy has really dropped in the last couple of years. So it might be a timing thing.

However, as another PP has said, there could be relatives closer to your age who in time will pick up the curiosity baton and get in touch. Personally, I would consider this if it happened in my family as I am ‘seeking’ something too. So you never know.

I think let yourself grieve because this IS a loss, but then refocus into the here and now. What do you need to do to boost your own village - start there. Good luck OP.

Poppyyoutwat · 13/05/2025 10:42

CreationNat1on · 13/05/2025 09:53

They are in their 70s now, a different generation.

They might blame their mums early onset dementia on her "abandonment", they might have other family issues or health concerns to deal with. I think their blocking was cruel, who knows, maybe they have poor coping skills or arrested development.

They know where you are. I wouldn't reach out for the moment.

They may not want to welcome you with open arms, they might not want you to develop friendships with their offspring and be the new shiny pal with their children, they might want you to stay the anonymous half sister (who robbed their parent). All of this is very harsh on you, is there any other family on your mums side?

No, my mum was an only child. She had no cousins or anything, just her parents who were also older parents are long dead now.

I don’t care about their reasons - not in a nasty way. We all have our own reasons for doing things that are no one else’s business. Like I keep saying, it’s not actually anything to do with them, they can do as they please in life, no one owes anyone anything.

I was just feeling low and stupid for thinking that maybe they would want a relationship with me. They don’t, and that’s okay; I’m fine with that. I just feel shit that I let my mind wander there in a low moment. That’s on me, not them.

It’s not even about them personally, I don’t know them at all. They might be lovely, they might be horrible! It was just a moment of feeling so alone and thinking, wow, maybe if I had three older sisters to help me, life wouldn’t be this hard.

And I know that’s not even the case, dh has a sister, they have little to do with each other, they aren’t close at all! It was just a fantasy in my head.

OP posts:
Poppyyoutwat · 13/05/2025 10:56

And I know they don’t think I “robbed” their Dad. My parents met 3 years after the divorce and from the message they sent, their mum was already re married her self at that point, to the man she was seeing when my dad left her (as I’ve pieced together from documents that he kept form the divorce as well). Who knows what happened - only the two people who were married would actually know, but it wasn’t like my dad met my mum, ran off and had me.

They don’t think that at all - letters one had written over the years to him, there was no evidence of that at all. They were adults who decided not to have a relationship with him. I will never know the ins and outs of why, and honestly, it’s not my business.

They don’t owe me a relationship and that’s okay. I was allowed to feel saddened about it for a little while, but ultimately, it doesn’t really matter.

OP posts:
CreationNat1on · 13/05/2025 14:36

You seem very strong and considered. It's a pity families are so difficult to navigate. Wishing you all the very best 💐

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