Do you have a “group” of local friends?

[Amberkitten7654321]

I’ve always been someone who prefers fewer very good friends rather than lots and lots of acquaintances. I’m def an introvert in lots of ways, but people may not realise.
I’ve got some very good friends from school / uni who I am in regular contact with and see a few times a year and are definitely who I would turn to in need.

however I’ve been living in our house for 6 years now. But that covered Covid, being pregnant and having a baby (in addition to 2 other kids so lots of school runs etc). I have met people I like, have been to dinners, drinks, even group weekends away. But the friendships have all been fairly shallow and although I really count a couple as proper friends, I don’t have a “group”. I did almost get in with one clique but I found it far too cliquey for me, and they expected you to go for dinner / drinks every week and it was just too intense for me, and one of them was drunkenly quite mean to me (she apologised after) but I couldn’t quite get past that and drifted after.

if I moved tomorrow I don’t think these friendships would endure but I would relace tho them with new local friends.
life can go by quite easily with these friendships but I’m worried I’m not putting real solid roots down and I’m wondering whether this just isn’t the right place for me and I haven’t met my people, and wondering about moving (mostly for schools but if my friendships were more solid it would be more of a draw to stay).

do you have a group of local women you see regularly? Are they your best friends? Would you remain friends if you moved?

im overthinking everything.

I have one friend and one sister. That’s all I need or want. I get on very very well with the people I work with and that’s enough socialising for me. I don’t want to go on nights out with a group, I don’t particularly want to go on nights out with my friend or sister but I do very very occasionally! However, I speak to both of them every day! I am incredibly anti-social/insular outside of my working hours (I’m very sociable in work!).

so, if I moved then my friendships would remain the same ie via messenger or phone calls. They just wouldn’t live as physically close as they currently! Personally, I can’t think of much worse than a ‘group’ of friends, all of which I have to keep up to date on and it wouldn’t be fair of me to claim to be a friend to someone that wasn’t like me as I simply don’t want to put the kind of social effort into them as so many other women seem to need. I’m not ND I just really do prefer my own company and the company of my DH & Son.

I am (and my husband is also) very very close to our family and probably see and speak to our parents far more than a lot of women on MN do though and they would probably find the concept of that as strange as the concept of their idea of ‘friendship’ is to me!

I've got a few friendship groups. Close friends who I see one a month. Couple friends too. My DH is a cyclist so, he has lots of friends. My main girls group is my old parentcraft group. We have known each other since our children were babies. So, over 29 years. We're all late 50s to early 60s now and have just grown old together. I see some of them at least one a week. I have a couple of best friends who are not part of these groups and see them often too.
I could never move away as I can't imagine starting all over again in another town. I would like to think that I'd stay in touch. Just to point out I have a very small family, no parents on both side, only 1 siblomg each, so have filled my life with lovely friends.

Yes I do. It surprised me actually when I hit hard times (cancer diagnosis). You find out who your friends are when your life takes a downturn.

I feel very happy with my older friends, and wish I could see them more, we hang out and holiday as couples and families too. But more what I mean is how important is local friends. Will I regret not putting the effort into meeting people in my town if the shit hits the fan? My friend an hour away isn’t going to help me with the school run if I break a leg…they might message me daily and come visit but I’m thinking I need to invest more time and energy for geographically close-ness

No and its something I woukd like. I do have lots of friends but different groups or individuals that don't know others. I would love a local group to just hang out with

No, I'd say I have no friends right now but that's mainly out of choice as I spend my free time with DH and dcs. Before dcs I had friends through situations/hobbies rather than geography, which always fizzled out when those stopped so they weren't particularly deep. But that's as much as I need, I'm not a very sociable person.

I don't think I've ever had a local group of friends really (ie walking distance - I'm in London and people I know are scattered all over the capital), there would be nothing I'd have in common with them except we happen to live in the same area.

I've got one really close local friend love her we are so on the same wavelength. Also a group of 5 of us who are really good mates we all used to work together many years ago- this doesn't include my other good friend. I've known my group for 35 yrs! close friend about 20- we used to both run for the bus after dropping our lads off at reception at school and one day she sat next to me on the bus and we got on like a house on fire and still do.
Close to my sister too. They have all helped me through difficult times. I'm also close to a couple of my mums mates- they were 'Aunty' back in the day but I have an independent relationship with both of them. Mum has just died and I have had loads of support from everyone- some really lovely messages and chats.

I think this is what I’m finding - the majority of people I have met are perfectly nice but aside from similar age kids or choice of house location I can’t seem to get deeper connections / common ground.
i feel fulfilled in generally with my friends and feel very lucky so it’s easy not to make the effort

I would love this, but I don’t. Partly as a function of my job (long hours) and partly because I forget that friendship requires effort.

Yes, I do. We moved here in late 2020. My old friends are widely scattered internationally, but I’m always open to new ones.

I think a good local network is worth the effort but it will never be a group of ‘mum friends’ that’s just another word for acquaintances

You have to find the individuals you really click with (mums or not). This takes time so other than hanging around with mum friend posses to single out the one or two, join things you are interested in so you get value while you wait to see if friendships emerge

Yes, we’ve now been in this area for nearly 20 years, moved when eldest DC was a baby, and started making friends with neighbours and other parents in the village (met at playgrounds, toddler groups etc). There seemed to be quite a lot of us that moved into our village around the same time, so I guess we were all motivated to form friendships. It’s a large group, with smaller groups within, but we’ve seen several through cancer, a couple of deaths, and the children all growing up. Since the children left primary school, the friendships evolved into those you continued to service and others that drifted away (but due to proximity, there’s always something to talk about when you do see them again). Living in a village also tends to mean some kind of community spirit, and many of my friends (and I) have been involved in a variety of local events.

I’ve been lucky to pick up many friends over my life who remain very special to me - from school. Uni, and most of my variety of workplaces, but few of them are close to me in distance, so it’s been lovely developing new friendships with people who can help with lift shares, come to exercise classes with you, and drink far too much wine with you when you should have been home 2 hours ago!

I’m in my 50s and quite by chance acquired a nice group of local friends, about 5 years ago. I hadn’t had a local group since I was mid-20s. So mathematically, you only acquire a group once every 25 years!

Do you think moving to a new area with kids 8, 6 and 4 would still provide options to make those “lifelong” friends? If we move it would be for the foreseeable future as it would be based around secondary schools. But worried I’ve missed the boat of small kids (would be at least 1-2 years realistically to move)

Yes, a close group of parent friends from my children's school and childcare, and neighbours as I live in a cul de sac with a neighbourly feel, plus some friends from an activity I do who have moved to this area. Having this network has helped me so much emotionally and practically.

With kids that age you can definitely make lifelong fellow parent friends if you meet people you click with. And then there are lots of other ways to make local friends. There's even a Bumble for friendship now!

True.

life can go by quite easily with these friendships but I’m worried I’m not putting real solid roots down

I think you need a good few ‘on the surface’ friends, and after time these may develop? But it needs time, effort and a fair amount of luck.

No I never really had a group of friends and don't do well in groups but I do have a some good friends

Yes I do, but it took a big effort to find them. I now have local NCT friends and another group of local friends who I see with/ without children every couple of weeks.

I do have a group of friends but I only met them when our children were in year 6. Up until then I was on the periphery of friendship groups but wasn’t really part of any particular group ( I had other friends outside the area). One day I ran into one of the mums on my commute into London and we chatted all the way in and as a result of that was invited to her book group. That kind of launched me into this ready made friendship circle. They are all incredibly supportive and although I don’t see them every week we have regular meet ups and we run into each other all over the place. The husbands and children get together too.

If waited until secondary school I doubt I would have made any friendships via that avenue ( unless I was involved in fundraising in some way) but that isn’t to say there aren’t ways of making friends through other routes.

I agree with you, I've made a real effort to have local friends for the first time in my life and it really does make a difference.

It’s made me feel so much more grounded, honestly. They’re not especially deep friendships, but they’re easy, caring, and based around something physical we share (we dip in cold water together!). It’s just nice to have something in common that isn’t heavy or complicated.

Yes, I’m in a group of 4 of us who are all very close and we see each other every weekend and at least one evening a week. Have been close for nearly 10 years. I’m sure this friendship circle would carry on even if someone moved away, we’d keep in touch.

have another group of friends that I meet to dog walk with most mornings and the occasional pub night. I’d stay fb friends with these if I moved some distance away but this is more superficial though still very nice. Have been friends with these for 20 years!

I know though with any of them from either group of I needed help I could text anyone and they’d be straight round to help. We’ve all supported each other through some shit in the past.

I don’t think you’ve missed the boat at all. My closer group of friends were not made through kids at all, but rather through a local activity/club. No kids involved.

I crave the same, but also coming to realise you get what you put in and I'm not putting in much!! Party because eim introverted and partly because I haven't had the headspace or physical time with young child, work, education, family etc. also school catchment is quite wide so parents not necessarily in same small town, and there's only a couple I have enough in common with that I'd want to take the friendship further than 'school mum's friends. I think for me it might be volunteering somewhere, or joining a club or something instead of relying on school as the main avenue. You could certainly move but I suspect you'd feel the same issue wherever you were as you still have v young kids, are naturally introverted etc, you won't move to a new place and people magically come calling at your door (however that would be lovely anduch easier!!!!)