Tell me about selective mutism

[VereeViolet]

I had selective mutism when I was younger: wouldn’t talk to anyone in the first few years at school and talked just enough to get by after that. I was seen by a psychologist (in the late 80s) and it was determined that I was a ‘normal’ if rather quiet child.

I’ve seen it as a weakness my whole life. I did well in school, but was constantly told that I needed to participate more, speak up, etc. In my teen years, I pushed myself into things that made me uncomfortable in an effort to overcome it. I perhaps gained a few social skills/coping mechanisms from doing that, but it didn’t cure me.

Now I’m 40 years old, married and have a young daughter. I’m starting to sign up for baby classes, play groups and that sort of thing. So it’s a lot of socialising with new people, often in groups, and I’m bad at it. I still have some form of mutism after all these years. I’m not actively mute any more. I talk to people, but perhaps I come across as a little strange or awkward. I’ve actually had people tell me in the past that they thought I was unfriendly or snobby (which is not true at all).

Does anyone else have experience with selective mutism? Have you overcome it or found ways of coping with it more effectively? It’s often talked about in relation to children because that is when it’s most obvious. It gets me down that I can’t ever get past it, no matter how hard I try. It also means that I’m quite socially isolated which was magnified when I had my daughter.

My daughter, no rhyme or reason really that i/we can identify as to why it happened.

She is now 10 and its reduced by about 90%.

The only way i can explain it is that she would quite literally shut down, as if i had turned off a robot and you watched the robot shut down.

Her breathing would remain the same but she would glaze over, not move and of course absolutely not speak.

She rarely done it with us but would do it alot in school and her sport gymnastics if she was feeling pressured, panicked or in any type of stressful situation.

She has managed with alot of help from us to overcome it, her coach is aware and managed to pull her out of it pretty much all the time but its required alot of trust on my daughters part, the same with her teacher at school.

My daughter needs to feel safe to speak.

Another thing ive noticed is that out of my 3 girls she is very much an empath, aware of feelings, changes of moods and atmospheres, she is hyper vigilant and can be quite anxious in general.
If there is a shift in the room she will absolutely feel it, if someone is in a bad mood she knows it before they even speak, she can asses the "feeling in a room" or with a person and does adjust herself accordingly.

She is a wonderful girl and now thriving but it does make me worry the pressure she is under and the pressure with it all.

Another thing ive noticed is that out of my 3 girls she is very much an empath, aware of feelings, changes of moods and atmospheres, she is hyper vigilant and can be quite anxious in general.

I think this is true of me as well and I’ve wondered if the whole mutism thing is just because I’m generally quite a sensitive person. I’m very much a musical/artistic type, although I came from a family where this was somewhat discouraged and emotions were swept under the rug. Am I a traumatised hyper-emotional person? 😅

Am I a traumatised hyper-emotional person? 😅

God i hope not 🙈we are a very open family so i really hope it hasnt come from us, i literally feel she came out the womb like this though, her 2 sisters arent anything like that.

You might both consider autism. My son has many autistic traits but is super sensitive to others and empathetic so I assumed he couldn't be autistic. He used to run out of the room in the episode when Peppa pig crashed her bike or if someone was getting told off in a film or any emotionally charged film until he was well into his teens (he was much more scared by Inside Out than Marvel films)! I've recently discovered that hyper-empathy is actually quite common for autistic people.

https://www.autismparentingmagazine.com/hyper-empathy-autism/#:~:text=Signs%20of%20hyper%2Dempathy%20in%20ASD&text=Displaying%20strong%20physical%20or%20emotional,for%20what%20they%20are%20experiencing

Interesting!

She doesn't really meet any of the other "classic" traits of Autism that i know of, however i dont have a huge amount of experience in it

God i hope not 🙈we are a very open family so i really hope it hasnt come from us, i literally feel she came out the womb like this though, her 2 sisters arent anything like that.

I have a sister that is the opposite of me. Really outgoing and very friendly. She can literally talk to anyone - it’s impressive to watch! So I know it’s got a lot to do with personality.

You might both consider autism. My son has many autistic traits but is super sensitive to others and empathetic so I assumed he couldn't be autistic.

I have wondered about autism, but always believed it couldn’t be that because I don’t have trouble understanding people. I can follow social situations easily enough and understand the way people feel. If anything, I think I might be better than average at understanding social dynamics.

i have always understood it to be a symptom of anxiety, rather than a problem with speech or language - having attended a workshop by Maggie Johnson, a speech and language therapist and UK expert on selective mutism.

She also did a TV documentary about it years ago.

I suggest you, OP try to find any of her work online or in books, to see if she can help you.

(DD2 suffered from it at school, but not at home as a child. She grew out of it, especially as she did customer facing jobs. She still has social anxiety in some situations though.)

i have always understood it to be a symptom of anxiety, rather than a problem with speech or language - having attended a workshop by Maggie Johnson, a speech and language therapist and UK expert on selective mutism.

Thanks, I’ll look her up. I do experience it as anxiety. Basically, anxiety that is strong enough to get in the way of communication. It’s sometimes hard to see it as a real thing because I’ve always had it. My approach to it has always been ‘you just have to try harder’. What seems easy for other people requires a lot of effort for me.

Watching as it has come to my attention DD won't talk when DH or I aren't there. Nursery didn't realise she could talk in sentences. She's 2 years 4 months.

I've since learned she rarely talks around her GPs either. It seems to be part shyness part selective mutism. She chats away to us all the time so it came as a shock!

If anyone has any tips...!

For a while they wondered if it was a part of the ND spectrum, but the current thinking is that it’s an anxiety based thing.
You can’t make the child talk, encourage/bribe/threaten/reward - none of it will make any difference and will only add to the anxiety. The child will talk when they feel safe and comfortable enough to do so, so it is dependant on the adults around them creating an environment where they feel safe. That is why they have no problem talking at home. One approach is to have a key adult who focuses on building an unpressured relationship with the child so they have someone they can trust in the setting, and then work from there.

I’ve come across a handful of children with SM in my teaching career. In my experience, it’s always been anxiety driven.

For them, it wasn’t a fear/anxiety of their voice being heard (one child would happily make voice recordings at home for us to listen to). I think that some people do struggle with that though.

The child I’m teaching now, it’s when she’s out under pressure. She will happily participate/talk on her terms but if I call on her, I see her lips tighten and I know that she won’t/can’t answer.

Ive read quite a few articles over the years and the main message is to not put a child under pressure to speak. I ask mainly closed questions (they are usuall6 willing to give a non-verbal response) with the occasional open question thrown in (with a brief pause afterwards in case they want to respond).

My DD had selective mutism. Or so we thought. We have now discovered she has slow processing and dyslexia but a form where she struggles predominantly with her aural understanding. I now wonder if she really had mutism or in fact she just couldn’t understand what was being said to her when under time pressure. She would be described as empathetic and unbelievably good at reading people BUT actually I think that’s a coping mechanism as she has to read body language as she can’t understand accents. She is a smart, very determined child and now we know about the processing issue and dyslexia which we and school help with she is no longer anxious or has any signs of mutism at all. I hope this helps.

Should add mutism present reception and years 1 and 2. Dyslexia and processing issues not diagnosed until year 6. She is clever so was able to hide it brilliantly. She just was permanently exhausted from the effort of it all.

My understanding is that behavioural therapy particularly CBT can help , is this worth looking at

Dd (17) has 'selective' mutism as part of her Autism diagnosis. It's not selective at all she completely loses the ability to speak under any pressure (even self imposed). She has a College interview tomorrow ...

There’s been recent research showing some autistic people are over empathetic and it’s also known that girls fly under the radar more because they are better at mimicking social skills through learning what to do.

Do I wouldn’t rule it out based on just those facts. Neither would I rule it in based on it either!

Would having an assessment and diagnosis if you are autistic help you? You’ve clearly found your own coping strategies.

I would say right now you need to look at what will help you going forward.

This sounds very similar to my daughter. When nursery raised it with me they said that they thought she may have had speech problems but realised it was selective mutism when she spoke to me normally at pick up, (her speech was very good). She was completely her normal chatty self at home so I was shocked too! The main take away is not to put pressure on to speak. I found that she also had problems with movement in front of people as well, eg she was told at nursery that she could just go to the toilet without asking but she wouldn’t go on her own so would go stand next to a staff member until they took her. They got very good at nothing when she was in need! As the years have gone by school were supportive too. She did take a long time to make more friends at school and her social skills were dire to start with but she’s now 11 and even though she still struggles with things sometimes she’s come so far.
keep the pressure off and make sure everyone is aware. As she got older I would pause after someone spoke to her to give her a chance to speak if she could and I also encouraged her to do things even when she felt nervous and she would normally really enjoy them once she got stuck in. Perseverance and patience are key!

Just to add that my daughter is not autistic and I have no suspicion that she is. I work in a school and there is a child with selective mutism and autism there so it can overlap but also may not.

I think it's largely known as situational mutism as selective suggests it's a choice when it's not?

Selective mutism is a stupid name. It’s what it was called when my daughter was diagnosed so it’s good if there’s been a name change. As you say, it’s not a choice.

I’ve wondered if I have this over the years. I was always told I was too quiet at school, but I was able to make friends. When I was at university some friends noticed that I’d clam up in certain group situations but be perfectly chatty in others or one on one. Like another pp my DSis can talk to everyone all the time and I’m really jealous! I’ve been mistaken for snobby and aloof often.

It does seem like an extreme form of social anxiety. I’ve felt very awkward during social situations when highly anxious and I’m sure I’ve come across aloof or even rude when I’ve struggled.

I’m not saying I have selective mutism just that I’m aware how it comes across when you’re ’socially Awkward.’ At one end of term gathering the children were playing with my daughter and some of the mums were like, ‘my daughters name, who’s that?’ Because they’d not heard of her because she’d only managed to make friends that year.

I'm reading with interest as it's something I need to research. I work with little children and there is one child in particular who just blanks me but will respond to my colleague. It's driving me crazy and I keep trying to make him feel comfortable and not put him under pressure, honestly it is tempting to just ignore him, but I know that's not the right thing to do. It's interesting about the high empathy, it often seems the opposite, the mute person makes the other person deeply uncomfortable. Im definitely going to start using the term situational mutism as selective is misleading. I always assumed it came from anxiety but didn't realise there is often no control at all, I thought there was still an element of choice.

I have this, or something like it. Sometimes it’s triggered in stressful social situations, especially if I’ve been somewhere too long (for me). Sometimes I can’t speak in the morning for a while, particularly if someone says something non literal. And occasionally I’ll meet a person who might be absolutely lovely, but for some reason my speech starts to get muddled and I’ll feel myself sliding towards a shutdown.

There’s definitely an autistic connection in my case. And I have so many strategies for covering it up, but now that I’m perimenopausal I’m just less inclined to force myself through stressful social situations.