Tell me about selective mutism

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I had selective mutism when I was younger: wouldn’t talk to anyone in the first few years at school and talked just enough to get by after that. I was seen by a psychologist (in the late 80s) and it was determined that I was a ‘normal’ if rather quiet child.

I’ve seen it as a weakness my whole life. I did well in school, but was constantly told that I needed to participate more, speak up, etc. In my teen years, I pushed myself into things that made me uncomfortable in an effort to overcome it. I perhaps gained a few social skills/coping mechanisms from doing that, but it didn’t cure me.

Now I’m 40 years old, married and have a young daughter. I’m starting to sign up for baby classes, play groups and that sort of thing. So it’s a lot of socialising with new people, often in groups, and I’m bad at it. I still have some form of mutism after all these years. I’m not actively mute any more. I talk to people, but perhaps I come across as a little strange or awkward. I’ve actually had people tell me in the past that they thought I was unfriendly or snobby (which is not true at all).

Does anyone else have experience with selective mutism? Have you overcome it or found ways of coping with it more effectively? It’s often talked about in relation to children because that is when it’s most obvious. It gets me down that I can’t ever get past it, no matter how hard I try. It also means that I’m quite socially isolated which was magnified when I had my daughter.

It’s a symptom of general anxiety. My dd had/has is. At 3/4 yo she would sit terrified in pre school. Deer in the headlights wouldn’t move or talk. She was put on a low dose of anti-anxiety meds on and within a couple of weeks had noticeably improved. After a couple of years she’s completely off them and pretty much “normal”, just a bit quiet.
Get treatment for anxiety and you’ll probably find improvment.

I was selectively mute as a child and didn't talk at school for years.
The school thought I couldn't talk.
My parents didn't even know as the school only mentioned it when they went in to say I'd be leaving the school as we were moving to another town.

I never really did much talking in any school after that one, but my next primary school worked quite hard on getting me to occasionally respond (very low pressure on me)
I was much better after that, although a very very quiet child, but as an adult developed such a severe social phobia (diagnosed as that by a psychiatrist, not self diagnosed) that I might as well be mute.

My selective mutism returned during Covid lockdown when I found great relief in not having to make myself engage with others.

I haven't spoken to anyone other than family members so far this year unless you count a computerised taxi booking service I use because a human doesn't answer the phone which I have phoned once.
There is a good chance I won't speak to anyone other than a couple of family members for the rest of the year.

I am autistic, other than being unable to talk to most people I would be classed as high functioning.

I have no problem using emails or text messages to communicate.
I suppose I could handwrite things out too, but not when I'm face to face with the person I need to communicate with.

I am told I am an extreme case as most people apparently grow out of it and it doesn't return.

I'm not holding the words in, they aren't there in my brain to say in that situation, which makes me shut down.
Trying to force my way through it just leads into a panic at which point I'm not really able to take in information never mind give it.
I don't calm down until I am out of the situation, but years of low stress contact with someone can lead them to be in the very small group of people I can speak to.
Most people just don't have the time and my severe social phobia means I am not around people for that to happen.

I am happy enough being this way, my only problem comes from other people having a problem with it.
They seem to think they are the exception and I should just talk to them, or that I could talk if I really wanted to if I just made the effort.
I really can't, even if my life depends on it, because no words are there to say.

My understanding is that behavioural therapy particularly CBT can help , is this worth looking at

I imagine this could be helpful because I do think it’s an anxiety issue. It’s just hard to get a handle on it in new situations. I can do reasonably well with people that I know and one-to-one communication isn’t usually too bad.

Im definitely going to start using the term situational mutism as selective is misleading. I always assumed it came from anxiety but didn't realise there is often no control at all, I thought there was still an element of choice.

There is some element of control for me. I have clear memories of being 5 years old and trying to force myself to raise my hand and give a one-word answer in class. I could do it, but it required a lot of psyching myself up, heart racing, pushing through fear and dealing with the aftermath of that stress. What is simple for the average child felt extremely scary to me. The equivalent would be jumping off a high diving board. Most people are frightened of heights to some degree and it takes some pushing yourself to move forward. You can do it, but it’s an effort and you don’t feel like doing it 100 times a day.

i have always understood it to be a symptom of anxiety, rather than a problem with speech or language - having attended a workshop by Maggie Johnson, a speech and language therapist and UK expert on selective mutism.

I am reading The Selective Mutism Resource Manual that she wrote and I think it might be helpful. She talks about high-profile and low-profile versions of selective mutism. As a child, I had the high-profile version (not talking to anyone at school). I now have a low-profile version (having trouble with new people and groups). According to her, it arises from the same psychological processes as a phobia and the treatment is the same: graded exposure to the fear.

My DS most likely has situational mutism. Could bevtrauma linke for him. I'm also looking at PDA as he fits so much of the description. He's waiting for CAMHS. It's going to be a long wait.

High anxiety, especially social anxiety, is a very common trait in neuro diverse people/ children. The mutism is one way of handling it.