Nephews left home 😥

[Waterweight]

Not sure what to say but after many disappearances & run aways. My nephews officially "found somewhere else to stay" & left. 💔

He came round to collect his stuff from here as his mum/my sister in law couldn't face it & couldn't legitimately bring herself to actually hand over his stuff to leave as a minor with no way of contacting him but knew she couldn't make him stay either & it would kick off massively with other young kids in the house

He's 16, officially neuro diverse but extremely functional in general, mainly behaviour/anxiety as a child was the issue. reckons he's done with school - there aware of long running issues & we'll hear from them soon enough as she's reported it but obvs can't stop him from not finishing as he's in his last years.

We're all devastated 😭 his mum's in tears. He has nothing of value having already lost everything due to behaviour. I had fuck all to give him except my number written down & loose change (£10/£15) cause he's not had dinner & I don't keep cash.
Managed to get him on the bus as he reckons him & his mate can walk to the station (nowhere near us) - he insisted he had a pass but took mine last minute (I wasn't convinced they were able to get on & weren't just going to walk once out of sight so glad he did)

No idea what to do now. Please keep him in your thoughts 🙏

Why did he decide to leave?

And where is he living/how is he planning to support himself? Is it likely that he'll be back in a couple of weeks when he realises that being independent isn't all it is cracked up to be?

He left because he's had all his electronics confiscated - repeatedly as he stays on all night & starts fights if he's limited. & He's now got a girlfriend so if he goes out to socialise in person doesn't want rules on when to return.

& We have no clue where he's living, my sister in law thinks the guy might be older which is terrifying her but he came to pick up his stuff with another school kid so possibly just found a friends family willing to take him in aswell & trying to make it sound as if there all mature adults as they might just have there own space within a house.

No idea about how he will support himself but assume will try & find work/or wait to sign on the dole.

I honestly think he would struggle to come back to be honest his mum's at her wits end & his grandparents/step father would never let him live it down so will most likely try & make a go of it

What do you mean when you say that his grandparents/stepfather would never let him live it down? If you think he would struggle to come home at 16 because of the way that they are with him, then perhaps it isn't surprising that he has left?

He needs to be reported to the police as missing. Whatever his relationship with his family he is still legally a child. Social services should also be informed.
If his mum is still receiving child benefit he won't be allowed to claim any benefits in his own name and will become even more vulnerable to exploitation.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves absolutely. This has been discussed in the past & we've spoken to him personally & honestly he's not a bad kid, he loves his family when things are good he wouldn't give anybody up but when things are bad he does need to be handled one on one with his mum who's very much stepped up to that role having originally been a single mum of just him.

We've tried everything honestly. What's making this time feel different from all the running away on weekends is that he actually found somewhere to go even if it's just a park bench somewhere. every other time he was just at a mates/going on long walks then eventually returning or school (once stormed out of the house at 6 in the morning & we got a call he was at school & could we bring him his bag/shoes As they would be keeping him there for the day with the support worker was in!)

If his stepfather is part of the problem, why on earth is he still in the picture?

Honestly, it sounds like everyone around this poor kid has failed him.

@Icouldntclimbthelamppost his mum's on carers so I've already brought this up.

He's been reported to the school as they have a support worker who deals directly with social services & police has a record - his mum broke down during a prior run away & reported him so they confirmed all his details + said she could update via the school obvs call in an emergency (injured, break in, threats as he was getting into fights with his dad) ect.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves his step father is very much his father. He's also apart of a family (has siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles) so not a single child being left to be raised by a random man.

We've learnt from experience that the best person to deal with him is his mum who's in the past called grandparents/dad for help but obviously sees the outcome (good & bad) & is better doing it herself.

He's absolutely not abused

Poor kid.

No one trying to stop him just giving him the bus fare.

If that was my kid I'd be building walls to keep him safe with me.

Believe me. That's what hurts the most - he was never supposed to do this it's the one thing we never wanted & were heartbroken about.

Would give anything to have him here right now but also still feel like he's a little kid hence the not wanting him to walk to the station/miss a meal

If we could physically drag him home we would 💔

I don't really understand your posts tbh.

You say that he isn't being abused but he won't come home because of how his step dad and his grandparents are with him. That his mum deals with him better when nobody else is around. That he has been "in fights" with his dad (by which I think you mean his step-dad).

It's all a but cryptic, but if I were that child's mum, I can't imagine that I would be just shrugging and letting my child leave home to live who knows where. And I don't think I would be staying in a relationship with a step-parent who was driving my dc away, regardless of who else might be involved or affected.

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves

There's nothing cryptic here! I've litterally given all the information - he is so incredibly loved & yes he's grown up in a split family, many kids do & when he needs one on one care his mum's been best for that from our experience. There was a time when his grandparents were best, an age when his dad (yes step father) was semi-ok (could at least speak to him afterwards without just kicking it off again) but ultimately your mums your mum.

Just starting to feel your here to make a bad situation worst by suggesting that everybody should be good at dealing with every child at every age & you've narrowed in on a target - why not just jog on & read other threads

I'm simply responding to what you've written here. I've tried to understand it but I do find your posting style quite hard to understand.

Anyway, you clearly don't want honest insights based on what you have written, so I will indeed "jog on" and hope that you find what you're looking for from other posters on the thread.

I sincerely hope that, for his sake, your nephew finds the support that he needs.

This is so sad for you all but I strongly believe you are doing the right thing. My own experiences of ASD in my family mean consequences and boundaries are extremely important. I think the worst thing you could have done is roll back on them. It can be such a rigid condition and when the behaviours harm those around them then consequences and boundaries are an absolute must. Endless understanding and love and empathy must be matched with boundaries and consequences. Hopefully he will see the light sooner rather than later. Sending you strength and hugs.

He’s 16 and a vulnerable child so you need to report him to SS and the police. At the very least they need to ensure he’s safe and living somewhere safe.

I have my kids tracked In Their phone and with apple tags , next time you see him get those put in his shoes / clothes etc so you can track where he is

when you do find who he has been staying with I’d report them to SS or what ever it takes for them to not do it again I’d make it clear how much hurt it’s caused

fingers crossed he comes back , can you contact him via social media put posters up where he is likely to be

@pimplebum
He's got no phone as it's been taken off him beforehand & he did take my bus pass last minute so I've already checked to see where he's gone & recognise the town/local train station he got off at. Were expecting more of this police/social services wise once its all gone through to the right people - so far the schools been called & his support worker is aware. Police have currant information about him from prior report so nothing to update with them until there involved.

This is a terrible situation OP, but I hope I can offer you some hope. One of my friends was a persistent runaway from the age of 13. She nearly had her mother (a single parent) in an early grave with worry and stress. She is now in her 50s and still cannot give a reason as to why she did it, just that she was a very unhappy teen. She thinks running away gave her a sense of freedom and autonomy that she didn't have at home or at school and it briefly made her feel happy. She eventually stopped, she thinks she just grew out of it, and has a fantastic relationship with her mum (who she still apologises to for her behaviour as a teen!) and the rest of her family and is a happy, thriving adult with a husband who adores her and a good life. You cannot physically force a child who wants to runaway to stay. Your best hope is to get ot the bottom of why and hope you can make it better. I really hope things improve.

Did you/his mum not give his phone back before he left?

I understand your predicament but this is heartbreaking because it’s why so many young men end up homeless, lost, into crime or drugs and then in prison.
Many of them are also neurodiverse.

He could be involved in god knows what already.

Do you know the friend well?
I would look him up on SM and try keep tabs on him that way.

The most important thing is that he needs to know that anytime he wants picking up and to come home, he can with no questions asked.
The fact that he’s got no phone makes this impossible and actually terrifying.

He was allowed to leave without any way to contact family if he needs help?

I can kind of see that he wouldn't be stopped, but not giving him his phone back?

Jesus.

@Azandme @Cucy I think he's partly timed this leaving for when he had no phone/was about to lose it.

My first thought was "just call him" believe me when she said what he'd told her (found somewhere else, wasn't comming back) & we absolutely know the risks of young males out by themselves. Would happily give my old one if it was still working.

@Cucy also to add we don't know this friend at all.

i don’t understand this either - he has been left to leave without the ability to contact anyone? Why? surely that’s the thing you most want to do for safety.

Cross texted. Does you/your mum have any of his friends on Snapchat etc so then you could at least try how to get a phone to him.it can’t just be left that he has no phone.

@GCEpileptic nope but we have his phone/playstation at home so can get a list of everybody he's spoken too & has numbers for which is why his mum thinks he's met somebody else or knows them from a mate & is avoiding being found.