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Original poster

Male friend and his bloody feelings

38 replies

Smookered · 05/05/2025 17:07

I have posted about this before, so apologies if it's getting boring, but all my friends have some involvement with this man, so it's hard to talk to them because I don't want to make it a bigger issue than it needs to be.

So I've know this man a long time. He's been married about 25 years. I was single for about 4 years after a long marriage, but got together with new man about 6 months ago.

I have a group of friends who are very important to me. A mixed group, who share an interest and were amazing to me when I unexpectedly found myself single. They took me under their wing and kept me busy, gave me loads of opportunity to get out and about. We have lots of days and nights out and several weekends away.

New man is part of this group, which means my whole life pretty much revolves around it. Not completely ideal but that's how things have worked out.

A few weeks ago, one of the married men in the group declared feelings for me. I thought I'd closed it down quickly and it would never be mentioned again. We'd met as a group a few times since and things did seem normal.

But, we've been away this weekend and after a few (lots) drinks he actually cried in the pub about these feelings. Said he should have told me a long time ago. I don't know why, or what I was supposed to do with the information if he had, as he's married. No one else in the pub knew what he was crying about (this is a man approaching 60!), and he's my friend so I hugged him and told him nothing can possibly happen, basically I'm sorry he's feeling unhappy, but nothing I can do about that and he's going to have to snap out of it!

I did tell new man who just laughed it off as an over emotional drunk, the way drunks love everyone. Which I'd love to think it us, but as it's not a one off?

Tbh my best plan is still to ignore it, pretend it never happened and hope it goes away. I don't ever spend any time on my own with him anyway, and will be doubly sure not to do that, but I can't avoid him completely, without sacrificing all my friends and favourite activities.

Is there a better approach?

OP posts:
DriveThroughZoo · 05/05/2025 17:13

I wouldn’t have hugged him.
Men have an ability to read into the most innocent things and kid themselves that you fancy them really.
Id have just said ‘pull yourself together and go to bed Richard, you’ve had too much to drink’.
I would definitely be cooler towards him in future. I’d also probably feel the need to pull him aside and tell him straight that I’m not interested full stop and to just put those thought out of his head or he’s to stay away from me.
I’d not be able to ‘pretend it never happened’ or he will never get the message.

HenDoNot · 05/05/2025 17:14

Why are you indulging him by sitting listening to his whinging, and then hugging him?

Why didnt you cut him off, get up and walk away?

Are you sure you’re not actually enjoying or getting a kick out of this, because if you’re not then its bizzare behaviour on your part.

“John, I’m telling you this for the last time, I’m not interested in you romantically, I never will be, and I don’t want to hear another thing about your feelings for me. If you ever mention anything again I will tell your wife”.

Original poster
Smookered · 05/05/2025 17:17

HenDoNot · 05/05/2025 17:14

Why are you indulging him by sitting listening to his whinging, and then hugging him?

Why didnt you cut him off, get up and walk away?

Are you sure you’re not actually enjoying or getting a kick out of this, because if you’re not then its bizzare behaviour on your part.

“John, I’m telling you this for the last time, I’m not interested in you romantically, I never will be, and I don’t want to hear another thing about your feelings for me. If you ever mention anything again I will tell your wife”.

My friend was upset to the point of crying in the pub. How could I walk away from that without telling anyone what it was about? It was a very quick, pat on the back hug.

OP posts:

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Relationship problems
HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 05/05/2025 17:20

I also wouldn’t have hugged him. I’d have read him the riot act

Youre not his fucking therapist. He doesn’t get to trauma dump on you. This isn’t your problem.

I’s also be telling the wife. He’s blown up this friendship, not you.

TryingToBeHelpful267 · 05/05/2025 17:20

He can’t be your friend and have romantic feelings for you. So as others have said be polite but don’t engage with him further and everything should be fine. Definitely don’t hug him anymore because he could construe it as you being interested in him.

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 05/05/2025 17:20

Smookered · 05/05/2025 17:17

My friend was upset to the point of crying in the pub. How could I walk away from that without telling anyone what it was about? It was a very quick, pat on the back hug.

Show quote history

He’s not your friend

Lulooo · 05/05/2025 17:20

This is the first thing that came onto my head too- why on earth did you hug him? He may be your friend but he’s crossed a line. Anything that could be misinterpreted as affection or taken out of context should be avoided.

Dont be gentle with him. Say no never, in complete and unequivocal terms and don’t indulge him any further.

HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 05/05/2025 17:22

OP, from your thread title, you are pissed off. Unleash the anger!

JeMapellePing · 05/05/2025 17:22

I had a married friend declare love for me once. I told him I wasn't remotely interested in him and never treated him like a friend again. We worked in the same team (that went out for drinks after work occasionally etc) and I just was cold and avoided him. He is not your friend.

Original poster
Smookered · 05/05/2025 17:23

Lulooo · 05/05/2025 17:20

This is the first thing that came onto my head too- why on earth did you hug him? He may be your friend but he’s crossed a line. Anything that could be misinterpreted as affection or taken out of context should be avoided.

Dont be gentle with him. Say no never, in complete and unequivocal terms and don’t indulge him any further.

Well I'd had a drink too , and it's my natural reaction to seeing someone upset. I didn't think too hard about it at the time.

OP posts:
Richbitchnamechange · 05/05/2025 17:23

He was drunk. Don't take it too much to heart.

It sounds like you'd like to have some social life outside the group sometimes. Sounds like a good idea.

LizzyLine · 05/05/2025 17:28

If it's happened twice he defo means it. But it would have been my inclination too to be sweet to him as he's your friend. I wouldn't personally be cold to him, but I would not be alone together again and would tee up new partner to join you if you get cornered by him again.

ManchesterGirl2 · 05/05/2025 17:29

Time to be harsher with him. "I'm not interested, and we're both taken, so stop causing trouble and leave me alone".

Progressing to "fuck off" if he does it again.

By carrying on this way he is behaving very badly towards you and your new partner and his own wife.

Pedallleur · 05/05/2025 17:35

Cruel to be kind. If he thinks you are hard/cold/a bitch so what? Now he's got the message.

SwedishEdith · 05/05/2025 17:40

If he'd been single when you were single, would you have had any romantic interest in him?

I don't think you've done anything wrong in hugging him and planning to pretend it's not happened in the future. But, I am wondering whether you're secretly flattered by his attention. If I was repulsed, I wouldn't hug them.

Original poster
Smookered · 05/05/2025 17:42

I don't know whether expects to be the outcome of this declaration. He's never tried to kiss me or suggested we meet up alone or that he wants anything to "happen". He's just offloading?

I am cross about the position he's put me in and that he'd do this to his wife and my BF, his friend, plus the impact it could have on the group. If I'm cold towards him, it will affect the group.

His wife is not really part of the group because she doesn'tshare then interest, although she's always included and we know and like her. Since I got together with BF we've gone out as a four a few times which has been lovely. Grrr....

OP posts:
Original poster
Smookered · 05/05/2025 17:45

SwedishEdith · 05/05/2025 17:40

If he'd been single when you were single, would you have had any romantic interest in him?

I don't think you've done anything wrong in hugging him and planning to pretend it's not happened in the future. But, I am wondering whether you're secretly flattered by his attention. If I was repulsed, I wouldn't hug them.

Maybe. He's (or I thought he was) a nice man and we get on. If we were both single, I guess it's something we might have explored. But we weren't and I can honestly say he never crossed my mind like that. I thought he was one of the good guys and was grateful to have him as a friend, but it was always as part of the group, we were never close, never had an emotional connection.

OP posts:
ginasevern · 05/05/2025 17:50

Yeah, he'd like to offload alright OP! Don't men get on your fucking nerves, I mean seriously. Don't hug him or try to be nice - his fragile sensitivity goes as far as his dick, make no mistake about that.

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 05/05/2025 17:52

Wonder how many times he's had feelings for other women during his marriage?

ThisOpenMauveLurker · 05/05/2025 17:54

What a shitty thing for him to have done. His feelings are his problem, how dare he dump them on you. I bet he feels better now he’s dropped the hot potato into your lap to manage. I’d take him aside ASAP and tell him how disgusted and disappointed I was to be creeped on by someone I thought was a friend.

NPET · 05/05/2025 17:55

At the risk of sounding "up myself", I get this all the time (I'm 21 and APPEAR to be single, so I suppose it comes with the territory).
But I would never hug or sympathise with them. "Thank you but I'm taken" is the best they'll get; "get a life with someone who wants you" is the worst*.
*Sounds harsh but some of them are TRULY PATHETIC and I can't stand it.

Original poster
Smookered · 05/05/2025 17:58

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 05/05/2025 17:52

Wonder how many times he's had feelings for other women during his marriage?

I've no idea, but I've known him a long time and been out drinking with him very many times. Until now, afaik, he's always been very respectful towards me, other women in the group and other women we meet e.g. in the pub. He also speaks quite fondly and respectfully of his wife, he's not one of those men who complains about "the ball and chain".

OP posts:
NPET · 05/05/2025 18:01

ThisOpenMauveLurker · 05/05/2025 17:54

What a shitty thing for him to have done. His feelings are his problem, how dare he dump them on you. I bet he feels better now he’s dropped the hot potato into your lap to manage. I’d take him aside ASAP and tell him how disgusted and disappointed I was to be creeped on by someone I thought was a friend.

Love this. As I've said 🔼or🔽 I get this all the time and feel like saying, and have said, "get a life with someone who likes you".
And there's another thing here: the
f--king male friend who wants more. They ALWAYS do.
O M G
LIFE!!

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 05/05/2025 18:03

Smookered · 05/05/2025 17:58

I've no idea, but I've known him a long time and been out drinking with him very many times. Until now, afaik, he's always been very respectful towards me, other women in the group and other women we meet e.g. in the pub. He also speaks quite fondly and respectfully of his wife, he's not one of those men who complains about "the ball and chain".

Show quote history

He's not that fond and respectful of his wife if he's declaring feelings for you Aka wanting to sleep with you.
Creep!!!

TheCurious0range · 05/05/2025 18:04

You say Roger this is really inappropriate, you are married and I am not in any way attracted to you. Your repeated declarations are making me very uncomfortable and if it continues I'll have no choice but to tell Marjorie (wife).
Also don't hug him.