Male friend and his bloody feelings

[Smookered]

I have posted about this before, so apologies if it's getting boring, but all my friends have some involvement with this man, so it's hard to talk to them because I don't want to make it a bigger issue than it needs to be.

So I've know this man a long time. He's been married about 25 years. I was single for about 4 years after a long marriage, but got together with new man about 6 months ago.

I have a group of friends who are very important to me. A mixed group, who share an interest and were amazing to me when I unexpectedly found myself single. They took me under their wing and kept me busy, gave me loads of opportunity to get out and about. We have lots of days and nights out and several weekends away.

New man is part of this group, which means my whole life pretty much revolves around it. Not completely ideal but that's how things have worked out.

A few weeks ago, one of the married men in the group declared feelings for me. I thought I'd closed it down quickly and it would never be mentioned again. We'd met as a group a few times since and things did seem normal.

But, we've been away this weekend and after a few (lots) drinks he actually cried in the pub about these feelings. Said he should have told me a long time ago. I don't know why, or what I was supposed to do with the information if he had, as he's married. No one else in the pub knew what he was crying about (this is a man approaching 60!), and he's my friend so I hugged him and told him nothing can possibly happen, basically I'm sorry he's feeling unhappy, but nothing I can do about that and he's going to have to snap out of it!

I did tell new man who just laughed it off as an over emotional drunk, the way drunks love everyone. Which I'd love to think it us, but as it's not a one off?

Tbh my best plan is still to ignore it, pretend it never happened and hope it goes away. I don't ever spend any time on my own with him anyway, and will be doubly sure not to do that, but I can't avoid him completely, without sacrificing all my friends and favourite activities.

Is there a better approach?

I said he speaks fondly and respectfully of her....

Well then he's a fucking liar and a cad isn't he, speaking so nicely of his wife to everyone and then declaring his love for you TWICE! He isn't one of the good ones he is a shit, a manipulative selfish shit.

Yes, I know that now, but he's done a good job of hiding it for a long time.

"oh jesus bob not this again" walk away
"if you were the last man on earth we wouldn't be together" if you are feeling more pissed off

I don't know OP I would be tempted if it carried on to just tell people the truth, yes it might all blow up, but this crying on just your shoulder is unfair and selfish from him.

And you just forget about it.

Pissed 60 year old Bob thinks he's still got it basically, and you are falling for it hook line and sinker, "oh what can I say he thinks he's in love with me" - Oh - there are hundreds of thousands of people across the land who think they are in love with other people, some blurt it all out drunk, some seethe at home, some write poetry, in fact poetry would die without unrequired love!

He's nothing special, you're nothing special.
Just act like that really. He might get the message eventually.
In fact say that to him
"I suggest you let it all out via the medium of poetry Bob, or modern dance"

He literally is "one of those men".

What are you after here OP? It does seem like you are enjoying the attention from this man a little bit too much.

He may try this on lots of women, as a successful salesman said to me once, it's a numbers game. Don't take it to mean you're special, just that he thought you were a prospect.

He's not one of the good ones, he's trying to have an affair.

Everyone is right. You have to be rude to get it through his thick head that you're not interested. This happened to me years ago - a man who was part of my friendship group decided he loved me. I was not interested. I wasn't special - he tried to kiss two of my friends in the next few months 🤦

Maybe he does, I certainly don't feel special and neither do I want to be. I told him that me and newish BF is a really lovely thing and that I'm happy in way I haven't been for (probably) decades. This is not fun for me.

But, if he does do it a lot he's very discreet about it becuase we (the group) spend a lot of time together and I've never seen it.

I know, and I will step well away from him. He's never given any indication that wants an affair though. He's never suggested we meet up alone and he never messages me outside of the group.

He's told you he has feelings for you. Did he leave his wife first before telling you?

Steer clear.

Never mind about nim and his pathetic drunk feelings I’d of put him right regardless of his blubbing my only thought would be for his wife and there’s no way I’d of hugged him