Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

If you have a stinking cold and friends due round the next day would you let them know or just let them turn up?

28 replies

ClockwatchingClara · 05/05/2025 12:32

I'm really annoyed with my friend but DH thinks I am overreacting, just wondered what others think.

For context, at the beginning of April I came down with the flu, proper full on flu which kept me in bed for best part of a week and then a further week of needing a nap every afternoon because I felt exhausted. Still had a cough the third week but was feeling a bit brighter.

It was a crap few weeks as I help care for my elderly mother who suffers from various health issues including Alzheimer's and cancer so is clinically vulnerable. Obviously, I had to keep away, my sister took time off work to help and we upped her carers visits.

Our friends are fully aware of all the above.

The week before last these friends invited dh and I over for dinner. We arrived on the Saturday evening to find the husband has a rotten cold, he spent the evening coughing and blowing his nose all the time, his voice was hoarse and he didn't look great. In all honesty, if his wife hadn't spend all day preparing a lovely meal I would have made my excuses and left.

I know that I can not put myself in a bubble and we are exposed to viruses all the time but I am really pissed off with our friends, they know my circumstances and knew I was getting over the flu. I asked the husband when had he came down with this cold and he said a day or two before, he had been messaging me the day before so had time to pre-warn us. I personally feel he could have given us a heads up and I would have postponed it to another time.

Needless to say because of my flu battered immune system I have come down with this rotten cold and feel back to square one. Five days in and I can't breathe well and am feeling knackered and shitty. To make matters worse it has meant that I haven't been able to see my parents again this week.

Would this piss you off in my situation? Surely it's simple manners to let guests know if you are unwell. Why are people so oblivious to other people's circumstances?

OP posts:
Sandylittleknees · 05/05/2025 12:33

I would be very pissed off. Really selfish of them.

Whoarethoseguys · 05/05/2025 12:34

If I still felt well enough to have them round I think I would let the friends know and give them a choice.

Seawolves · 05/05/2025 12:36

I'd appreciate a heads up, my child is vulnerable and I would want to make that decision for myself.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

General health
Original poster
ClockwatchingClara · 05/05/2025 12:37

That's exactly how I feel, surely a heads up and leave it to the guests to make the decision to come or not.

OP posts:
Scousemousey · 05/05/2025 12:38

Sounds like my SIL. She turned up to elderly MIL's barbecue with "a touch of" covid, and almost everyone got it. Beyond selfish.

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 05/05/2025 12:38

A cold? In all honesty no, it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to mention it before. For me, a cold is firmly in the realm of carry on as usual.

Throwingitallaway24 · 05/05/2025 12:39

Yes I’d rather be let know in advance I also have a child who is vulnerable but it massively depends on what the illness is and I’d use my own judgement. I thought it was more the done thing these days to say “oh btw so and so has been unwell with x, understand if you’d rather reschedule etc”

Choux · 05/05/2025 12:39

I think the friends (and other friends) probably don’t realise you won’t / can’t visit and care for your mum if ill with a cold. Being bedbound with flu is much iller than a cold. You need to check with everyone before seeing them if they are well and explain the implications for you helping care for your parents. You will probably only have to explain to each set of friends once for them to get it and start forewarning you if they come down with something.

Original poster
ClockwatchingClara · 05/05/2025 12:40

Scousemousey · 05/05/2025 12:38

Sounds like my SIL. She turned up to elderly MIL's barbecue with "a touch of" covid, and almost everyone got it. Beyond selfish.

How selfish.

OP posts:
Mayhemabounds · 05/05/2025 12:41

I would be pissed off in your position. I’ve just gone down with a horrible virus picked up from a relative who we had invited on holiday. They both arrived ill and gave it to OH and myself. I think they shouldn’t have come in view of the situation. They wouldn’t have lost anything as we paid for the holiday .

Original poster
ClockwatchingClara · 05/05/2025 12:41

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 05/05/2025 12:38

A cold? In all honesty no, it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to mention it before. For me, a cold is firmly in the realm of carry on as usual.

In normal circumstances of course that's ok but my op is regarding my current situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
ClockwatchingClara · 05/05/2025 12:43

Throwingitallaway24 · 05/05/2025 12:39

Yes I’d rather be let know in advance I also have a child who is vulnerable but it massively depends on what the illness is and I’d use my own judgement. I thought it was more the done thing these days to say “oh btw so and so has been unwell with x, understand if you’d rather reschedule etc”

That's what has annoyed my the most, that he didn't think to give us a heads up so we could make an informed choice based on our circumstances (which they are fully aware of).

OP posts:
Original poster
ClockwatchingClara · 05/05/2025 12:44

Choux · 05/05/2025 12:39

I think the friends (and other friends) probably don’t realise you won’t / can’t visit and care for your mum if ill with a cold. Being bedbound with flu is much iller than a cold. You need to check with everyone before seeing them if they are well and explain the implications for you helping care for your parents. You will probably only have to explain to each set of friends once for them to get it and start forewarning you if they come down with something.

They are fully aware. We have had many discussions regarding this especially as the wife's grandfather has recently died from dementia and cancer, she was fully aware of the stress her mother went through.

OP posts:
Original poster
ClockwatchingClara · 05/05/2025 12:45

Mayhemabounds · 05/05/2025 12:41

I would be pissed off in your position. I’ve just gone down with a horrible virus picked up from a relative who we had invited on holiday. They both arrived ill and gave it to OH and myself. I think they shouldn’t have come in view of the situation. They wouldn’t have lost anything as we paid for the holiday .

That's so annoying.
I hope you feel better soon.

OP posts:
WaltzingWaters · 05/05/2025 12:46

No, I’d always mention it to give people the option.

I’ve just done exactly that today - had a play date planned and my toddler has a runny nose. I messaged to warn the friend that he has a runny nose but seems otherwise absolutely fine, just so they can decide.

luckylavender · 05/05/2025 12:46

Very selfish

Newmeagain · 05/05/2025 12:47

PotteringAlonggotkickedoutandhadtoreregister · 05/05/2025 12:38

A cold? In all honesty no, it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to mention it before. For me, a cold is firmly in the realm of carry on as usual.

A “cold” is a just a catch-all reference to certain symptoms caused by a huge number of different viruses. Highly contagious and can sometimes be quite debilitating, and lead to secondary infections for anyone slightly vulnerable.

comfyshoes2022 · 05/05/2025 12:47

Even without your particular circumstances, I think if someone is sick, it’s always courteous to send a quick message of heads up. I usually am fine to see someone even if they’re sick, but I’d much rather know in advance as there are occasionally times (eg when I’m about to leave on a trip, pregnant) that I’d be a bit more cautious. You do not necessarily know if someone is in particular circumstances where it would be harmful or inconvenient for them to be sick, so you just let them know so they can make the call.

Happyinarcon · 05/05/2025 12:52

I think the etiquette has shifted somewhat regarding colds and flu. I remember years ago when people just went about their business coughing their guts up and the understanding was that you were going to catch the flu at some point that season so it didn’t matter when or from who.
Now it seems polite to give people a heads up and let them decide for themselves. I would like someone to warn me if one of their kids had a vomiting big or something but I feel the flu is luck of the draw

Original poster
ClockwatchingClara · 05/05/2025 12:54

WaltzingWaters · 05/05/2025 12:46

No, I’d always mention it to give people the option.

I’ve just done exactly that today - had a play date planned and my toddler has a runny nose. I messaged to warn the friend that he has a runny nose but seems otherwise absolutely fine, just so they can decide.

That's exactly what I have always done too.

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 05/05/2025 13:00

Newmeagain · 05/05/2025 12:47

A “cold” is a just a catch-all reference to certain symptoms caused by a huge number of different viruses. Highly contagious and can sometimes be quite debilitating, and lead to secondary infections for anyone slightly vulnerable.

Show quote history

This ^
I have it at the moment, I can function ( but not 100%) but I’m sneezing and coughing a lot and definitely contagious for close situations. I wouldn’t invite guests or at least will give them heads up.
It’s so annoying when people do this.

Ponderingwindow · 05/05/2025 13:04

I have a vulnerable husband. I expect people to at least give us the choice about exposure. Cancelling is disappointing, but sometimes necessary.

Allswellandgood · 05/05/2025 13:09

These kinds of posts always make me shake my head in wonder.
First of all, if I felt as sick and rotten with a virus as these hosts and or guests are experiencing, why the hell would I want to get together in the first place?
Why would I choose to share the misery with others, and by extension all their family members as well?
Unbelievable that some people can't be trusted to give a heads up to let those who are going to be exposed have the basics right to decide whether or not they wish that to happen?

Topsy44 · 05/05/2025 13:15

YANBU. It drives me mad when people do this! I always let people know if I’ve got a cold and give them the option to cancel if they wish.

DoubleShotEspresso · 05/05/2025 13:15

I would of hoped any friend would give me the heads up in this position and thus the choice.
*Both my parents and DC are vulnerable so this would cloud mu opinion maybe on this one.