DS(7) says he “likes violence” and wants to join the military

[HateHorridHenry]

I’m a bit worried about my 7yo DS. Ever since starting school, he has become more and more influenced by the behaviour of his peers - playing rough, imaginary guns, etc. We told
him that we don’t like this sort of play, but it’s become more frequent as he’s getting older.

We got him a Nintendo Switch for Christmas. At first he was happily playing racing games, Minecraft etc. Now his friends have encouraged him to play Fortnite with them. He is now happily running around shooting people and waxing lyrical about the different guns etc in the game.

This morning, he asked me if I know why he likes playing Fortnite. No? The answer: because I love violence. When I grow up I’m going to join the military.

I’m getting worried about this, surely that’s not normal?! Any advice?

Why have you let a 7 year old play fortnite? His friends may have encouraged it but you are his parents and in charge and can say NO!!! It's completely inappropriate.

Time to seriously limit screen time and heavily monitor his use when he is playing.
And it is quite normal for boys and girls wanting to join the military when younger. It is not normal to like violence.

I mean what did you expect? He’s not going to say he likes it because of the pretty pictures or the team building or great graphics is he? He’s mirroring language he hears and trying to fit in. Why did you let him play fortnite to begin with?

He’s also only 7, what he wants to be when he grows up will change every few years in various directions . At 5 DD wanted to be a bear and eat other people. No canibalistic tendencies now she’s 13.

He's 7, and assuming that he's had an upbringing in a pleasant area of a the UK, without abuse, he has no idea what violence means. He's just saying that because violence is the word you use for the fun games his friends play that you don't allow.

Well get rid of Fortnite for starters. This is something only you can fix. Lots of small boys enjoy fighting games. I’ve no idea why but it’s very common. Saying ‘I enjoy violence’ is a bit odd. What other TV does he watch?

Stop letting him play fortnight.

Disclaimer: gamer household here. My 12 year old plays fortnite, has been since he was about 9 (party mode then, regular fortnite since he was around 11). He has only being allowed to play without an adult in the room and with voice enabled since he was almost 12. his friends on fortnite are exclusively school friends and are monitored by us and the other parents (we live very, very rurally, meetups in person are far and few in between).
Even by our standards, 7 is way too young.
It also depends on the child, my 12 year old is incredibly sensible. his younger brother (8) doesn’t play fortnite yet, and won’t for a good couple of years as he’s not nearly as sensible as his brother.

You’re the parent , Fortnite is not suitable for a 7 year old.

How ridiculous. Start parenting. Don't let him play any violent games. Don't let him go to those friends houses that do.
We had to stop ds1 going to his best friends house as he was allowed to play all the games. Get rid of all nerf guns etc. watch that the TV he watches is age appropriate (it's very easy to do).

Get him into sport so he can direct his energy in a healthy way.

It's Bandura's social learning theory from child development - children learn through imitating others and copying behaviour from their environment. That's why role modelling is so important.

I imagine you are not violent role models so he's mostly copied you, but he's now exploring what he sees in his peers, the playground and on video games.

It is normal for children to expand their understanding of the world by looking at modelling beyond their family. This can be hard when what their environment on and offline is modelling is violent, but your influence is important and you can discuss and explore what they see.

It’s quite hard to get the Fortnite ‘cat’ back in the bag once you’ve let it out. He’s quite young for it, I agree, but DS was maybe about 10 when he started playing it - there’s a big social aspect to them being online with their mates. DS was also Nerf gun crazy for a while, and wanted to be a bomb disposal expert in the army.

He’s 15 now, still plays Fortnite with his mates, although not at the moment as he’s studying hard for his GCSE’s. Nerf guns have long been sold and he went right off a military career having joined CCF at school and hated it. He wants to be a lawyer now and shows no violent tendencies at all. We were quite strict on time limits, he’d get about an hour a day before he had to come off and do something else, he also did/still does, a lot of sport and that’s become more of a focus. He also knew that any hint of bad behaviour would mean a PlayStation ban for a day/weekend/week as appropriate. That worked pretty well.

My son wanted to join the army and was obsessed with guns for a while. Did a lot of paintballing and spent his later teenage years playing rainbow six siege and other shooting games.

he is now a vegan Buddhist musician.

1. I agree with others - get him off Fortnite. I don’t known what age is appropriate to start playing games like that but it’s certainly not seven.
2. But I would approach the “wanting to join the military” question differently. Being in the military isn’t about random violence. There are a lot of military values -discipline, obedience, teamwork, tidiness, courage in appropriate situations - that are good and helpful values for any child, but maybe especially for boys who are starting to think about who they are and who they want to be. I’d encourage this. Maybe take him to a VE Day parade, or your local Armistice Day ceremony in November, or just the Changing of the Guard in London. Tell him about military fitness standards and take him to junior Parkrun. Once he’s a bit older maybe he can join the Cadets. Lots of good opportunities to encourage an interest in the healthy non-violent aspects of military life.

Take him to the recruiting office. Tell him to tell the recruiter that.
Hopefully he'll grow out of it. If not get him some therapy.

ETA: I was in the army. I was on the shooting team. I absolutely love shooting. (nothing living)
One day on the ranges with some relatively new recruits one idiot had an ND (negligent discharge - ie. accidentally pulled the trigger). it went through someone's leg. Missed the bone, but the exit wound looked like the mince in a pan when you first start making bolognese. Weapons are toys. Shooting is not for fun (usually)

I’d never been exposed to Fortnite before he wanted to play it, so had no real concept of what it involved. He is always supervised playing and I told him I didn’t like those sort of games, but maybe naively I didn’t really see that it was an issue…

I’ve told him this morning that he is not to play Fortnite anymore and explained why. He cried for about 30 seconds then accepted it.

He doesn’t watch much TV, he mostly watches YouTube videos of people building things on Minecraft. Also Disney movies.

I love the anecdotes of young people outgrowing their childhood aspirations (cannibalism! 😂)

and now you know to always check out things before giving them to your child. Honestly, that is parenting 101

I love this advice re the military, thank you! He loves running and does Junior Parkrun already, as well as a running club midweek. He is in Beavers and loves all the stuff that entails, including going to camps.

I did tell him that violence in real life is not like video games. If you kill someone, you have to live with that. Also if you are killed,
you don’t “respawn” and get another go! He makes out like he knows that but maybe it’s not something he’s thought of before.

You’ve had some great advice already. I would also think about sending him to Karate. It’s very disciplined and he will learn to use his violent tendencies in a very controlled way. There is no way that the Sensie will be happy with any fighting or violence outside of the dojo.

He’s young for army cadets (think they are more teenage) but he might benefit and also enjoy doing a martial art. Lots near me offer classes for kids. They’re very popular.

the teachers generally focus heavily on discipline, doing what you are told, and not doing any of the moves outside of the class. It’s really good exercise and discipline for all children.

I like the idea of a martial arts class, will look into that. Thank you!

I admit my parenting hasn’t been great here, but I’m always learning and trying to improve. I believe my DC are having a good upbringing and want to keep it that way.

Fortnite has a 13+ age rating in it for a reason. DS didn't have it until he was 12 and then I was fairly lived at DH for allowing him to have it.

Look at games age reatings before you allow your child to play them, don't just assume they are OK because their friends are playing them. It's upto you as a parent to look at these things.

If he is still really interested in joining the army when old look at him enrolling in cadets. They seem to teach them a lot of what it's actually like, he get a better idea if he really likes it or not.

So my son is the same age. I don't allow him toy guns. From a really early age he knew "mummy doesn't like violence" but he still makes guns from his Lego and teases me by saying "look mummy violence" so I can see that they just test boundaries and that is ok. He really shouldn't be on You Tube unsupervised at all. Kids You Tube is a nightmare for regulation and isn't safe. He has a switch and plays Lego games and a bit of Minecraft but I wouldn't let him go near Fortnite at this age. Honestly, not knowing what games are about means you need to find out before letting him play. He knows that some people play games online together and has asked me about it and I've said we can look at it once he's 12. There's such a world of danger online you need to protect him from it, plenty of other uneducated parents out there who will let their kids on all sorts and they will tell your son and he will nag you, you have to hold strong.
I've also found beavers to be a great, age appropriate way to instill some of the positive more active/fighting interests- he spent the weekend at camp this weekend and they did fencing and capture the flag, but also a ton of independent outdoor stuff that benefits him. Sorry it's really not supposed to be judgy but 7 isn't too young to get all of this back. I would explain honestly that you didn't realise Fortnite and YouTube aren't suitable and he'll be upset for a while but he will get over it!

Also, re the military (I'm an army brat who went into the army myself) it is ALL about discipline. And following orders, especially at the beginning. There is a lot of bullshit stuff at the beginning, but having a sense of self-discipline, fitness, respect for others, respect for yourself and your belongings (keeping things clean, repaird, in good condition) is good training for anyone, but especially future military members.

Going to go against the grain here.

Boys liking 'violent' things like guns, fighting, wrestling, swords, etc. is no problem at all.

I don't think fortnight is great for a 7 year old, but that is more because of the nature of, especially online, gaming, rather than the presence of guns and fighting.

Boys like fighting.. guns are fascinating for them, swords, knights, soldiers, tanks etc. They have all been fascinating to generation after generation of boys who have played Faught, Had tin soldiers, turned sticks into swords, copied wrestlers, pretended to be super heros who fight badies etc.

It is no problem at all, and perfectly natural for young children, especially boys.

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It does not correlate with violence or criminal behavior later on. I live in another country, where kids playing with big toy guns is much more normal, and yet violent crime and physical attacks here are considerably lower. Also study after study has shown no link between video games and violence. Same with violent movies.

The key is all in the framing. Superhero films do this great - yes they are violent, but it is all for protecting and saving people. Same with the army (in a kids eyes) where is all for helping and defeating bad + evil, not for doing evil.

Combative and violent play with the correct framing is actually a really essential thing for stopping boys from becoming aggressive in the future. It teaches them where violence is acceptable, gives them an outlet for their combative tendencies, and lets them be interested in swords, without actually going and hurting anyone.

So no need to ban toy guns or swords, or boys wrestling or play acting as soldiers. But just encourage them to play games where the framing is saving protecting and helping, teamwork, etc. rather than in a more mean and bullying manner.

At least you’ve stopped it now. There are many parents naively giving their children access to devices without having a clue at what they’re watching. More attention is needed. No wonder young children are being exposed to violence/pornography at a young age when parents don’t even understand how these games and devices work.