Unable to accept apologies

[dancingqueen345]

Looking for some advice or signposting to external advice please.

I would say I’m quite an angry person, I have been all my life, very quick tempered, probably would have described myself as firey in my 20s but in reality I was just a bitch. Fast forward to my 30s, I’m with a partner who has truly brought out the best in me, I have much better coping mechanisms, I’m softer, kinder, BUT I still have my moments and we still do argue.

The issue I have is, even when I desperately want to drop an argument, accept an apology, I just can’t, I just don’t have it in me to hug it out, act like it hasn’t just happened, and I’m doing my own head in because I’m bringing so much extra grief to myself.

For extra context - Partner and I had an argument this morning because he wanted to rearrange our family day out because he had a hangover, I was upset but ultimately told him he was fine to stay home and I would take the kids on my own, at which point he started going on about coming and then he called me difficult. I’ve been upset all day and he’s been really sincerely apologising all day, he’s making so much effort tonight but I’m still just sitting upstairs stubbornly. I wish I had it in me to go downstairs and give him a hug but I just don’t and I feel like I’m broken.

Does this resonate with anyone at all?! I don’t want to be like this.

Well done on acknowledging this horrendous trait you have.
Did your parents ever accept apologies? Do you ever apologise?

How do you ever move on from arguments then?

I think you need some therapy because it sounds like a self esteem issue and that you can't allow yourself to feel like you have 'lost' ?

Watching with interest because I am the same. It’s not nice.

Yes. Same here. I had quite a difficult childhood and I wonder if it stems from that, but I’ve never had therapy so I don’t know. I’ve always been like that, I remember as a child sitting in my room listening to everyone having a lovely time downstairs, but I was too cross to come down and join in. I’ve got somewhat better as I’ve got older, but it’s still an issue.

I don’t think it’s a need to ‘win’ as I think a pp put it? It’s not even really about the other person. It’s something in me that can’t let go of the anger/upset.

You've recognised an undesirable trait and you can work on changing it. Anger management, assertiveness, counselling etc

Please don't sulk. It is a very unattractive trait.

On other threads about sulking posters always get told that it is a form of abuse.

Maybe you just need more time. It was shitty of him. Parents shouldn’t let children down by cancelling a planned day out because they were selfish and lacked self-control the night before. Saying sorry doesn’t change that.

I'm the opposite. I grew up in a family where there was anger - my brother and I would fall out, my DF certainly has a bit of a temper. I learned very quickly that the worse feeling is the inbetween feeling after an argument where you feel bad that you lost your temper or played whatever part, and you feel bad that the other person might be feeling hurt. The quickest way to end that discomfort is to apologise. It doesn't matter who does it first because one apology leads to an acknowledgment of the apology followed by the other person saying sorry for their part too. It's like pulling a plaster off. Not comfortable but much better after.

I have at times experimented with not apologising- the worst thing about not apologising is when the other person moves on and forgets it, and you haven't.

Also agree that it's a valid annoyance.

I'd accept an apology for something done by accident or in the heat of the moment.
Someone getting drunk and fucking up? Not so much. Not as if he didn't know his commitments.

Don't sit upstairs - tell him you don't accept the apology and take the children out.

It’s a really hard thing to acknowledge so well done for doing it.

Do you know what stops you from accepting apologies?

My dh finds it difficult to apologise like it’s an admission of guilt or something. Do you ever feel ready to accept the apology, is it a case of you just need a bit longer to get over it than some people? In that case can you just say thank you and let your feelings continue to play out? Maybe explain to your dh what your doing so he’s not stuck in it too.

Also how does this work in your wider circle, are you the same with family, friends, colleagues? And what about your children?

Basically you weren’t taught to process and normalise your emotions as a child so now you get stuck in them and don’t have techniques to release them. Counselling could help.

@Firefly45 I can’t really remember regarding my parents, and there haven’t been any arguments in recent memory.

I can apologise though, and I’m always so grateful when the person accepts them. This argument with my partner will ‘end’ at some point today when something funny happens with the kids or something like that and it’ll just remove my tension.

It’s not about winning or losing though, I definitely don’t feel like I’m winning by holding on.

@lickycat yes I agree, it’s nothing to do with winning for me either.

@RampantIvy abuse is a strong word but lots of other posters suggesting counselling too so that’s the route I will go down.

You've got to start somewhere OP. Why not go down now and give it a try? It might feel false but I'm sure you'll be so relieved afterwards.

@echt that was just the example that prompted my post, but I behave similarly regardless of whether it was an accident/heat of the moment so don’t want to give my self that ‘out’

@Scarydinosaurs it’s really hard to pin point, and I actually can accept the apology and totally know he’s sorry, I just can’t move onto the part after of going back to normal

Try asking yourself if you want to be right/correct/'winning' or happy.

Carrying on holding a grudge and using weaponised silence is incredibly unhealthy and indicates to me that you are immature emotionally

You definitely need to work this through. It's hugely unhealthy for the children to have you as a role model

I say the above with kindness as I was the child in this situation and I'm STILL trying to heal from it (late 50s now)

@whynotmereally that’s how we operate at the moment, he knows what I’m like and is now just giving me space until something happens today that will allow me to move on. It’s just so unfair to him and he doesn’t deserve it.

I don’t feel this level of anger with other family/friends (I used to in my 20s though). My kids are only very young (6m and 2) but I would be devastated to think I was passing this on to them.

@sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 I think you’re right that I’m emotionally immature. Definitely going to seek out counselling.

Seriously - well done. I mean that wholeheartedly.🥰

Interesting, so is it that you control your anger around others but your dh is your safe space to let your frustrations out? Or is it that your dh rubs you up the wrong way and causes rage that you just don’t feel from others?

I can apologise though, and I’m always so grateful when the person accepts them.

interesting that you're relieved when you've been the 'wrong doer' and when the other person accepts your apology. That's worth exploring if you go to counselling, that you value someone else's forgiveness and that feeling of catharsis, but can't seem to reciprocate.

It sounds like you hold onto the anger even when it's no longer a helpful or useful emotion, whereas you've observed that others let it go. It does sound like something that goes back to childhood (arrested development).

Try and remind yourself that he’s only human, and he makes mistakes. Would you want empathy and acceptance if you were on the other side of the coin?
I also try and ask myself what really matters in the world, if god forbid something terrible were to happen tomorrow would you think “oh I’m glad I held onto that anger/frustration and punished him” or “why didn’t I let it go and cuddle him”. It’s almost always the latter.

Those talking about abuse are right. Depending on how often it happens etc. essentially, if he knows that if he does even something small wrong it’s going to cause a day of upset, tension and you withdrawing from family life it means everyone walks on eggshells (don’t upset mum!) your kids are more likely in life to become people pleasers and have higher anxiety because they think the risk of upsetting someone is anger and emotional withdrawal. Definitely seek counselling because it can have quite damaging consequences to those around you.

I have a sister who has said the same as you OP, and who has had therapy as a result. We are close in age, Irish twins (an outdated term).

My DSis has always been very angry and quite cruel to me as a child. I saw this in her and made
a conscious decision that I would not be like her from a very young age. I am therefore the exact
opposite.

It has been very difficult for her and we have
spoken about it through the years. She has hurt people with her bitchiness and bad attitude. As a result she doesn’t talk to a number of family members and doesn’t have any friends. She is also single. We are in our late 50s. But what I see is how much she hurts herself.

I think therapy has helped. She is still angry, she can be cold and distant but she has utilised strategies learnt from therapy over many years and has more self control.

DSis will never reach out and repair damaged relationships, she is a big sulker, but our relationship has improved. And, I tell a lie she did apologise to me and my husband for the many years she took a disliking to him for no reason.