Unable to accept apologies

[dancingqueen345]

Looking for some advice or signposting to external advice please.

I would say I’m quite an angry person, I have been all my life, very quick tempered, probably would have described myself as firey in my 20s but in reality I was just a bitch. Fast forward to my 30s, I’m with a partner who has truly brought out the best in me, I have much better coping mechanisms, I’m softer, kinder, BUT I still have my moments and we still do argue.

The issue I have is, even when I desperately want to drop an argument, accept an apology, I just can’t, I just don’t have it in me to hug it out, act like it hasn’t just happened, and I’m doing my own head in because I’m bringing so much extra grief to myself.

For extra context - Partner and I had an argument this morning because he wanted to rearrange our family day out because he had a hangover, I was upset but ultimately told him he was fine to stay home and I would take the kids on my own, at which point he started going on about coming and then he called me difficult. I’ve been upset all day and he’s been really sincerely apologising all day, he’s making so much effort tonight but I’m still just sitting upstairs stubbornly. I wish I had it in me to go downstairs and give him a hug but I just don’t and I feel like I’m broken.

Does this resonate with anyone at all?! I don’t want to be like this.

You say that it takes something like the kids doing something funny to break the tension and allow you to move past your anger. Could you try to make a distraction, small ritual or habit that you can use to break the tension yourself?

Go for a run, put your headphones on and dance to something, do some yoga (if you can stand the cringe try laughing yoga!)... something physical where you can focus entirely on the 'doing' or being in the moment and say to yourself (and him if it's helpful to share) that when I finish this we'll hug/ high five and be back to normal. If physical activity isn't an option perhaps something like a gratitude journal or writing exercise instead.

I posted earlier about my DSis, she is very emotionally immature also!

OP, this resonates with me a lot.

In our family this sort of response is pinned on our particular forms of neurodivergence, although it could also just be our personalities. DH and DS1 (both possibly ADHD) have forever lamented that DS2 and I (both diagnosed autistic) take a long time to cool down post argument and let go of whatever the offence was. It's true, we are like that. It's not a conscious choice - I at least would prefer to be able to just go back to my unbothered state. I've come to the conclusion that some brains are just like that, and that we need to come up with strategies to help us along (like the poster who suggested distractions above - these really help).

I described it to DS1 like this. His mind and DH's are like a lakes - quick to shift about (eg water splashing) when they experience a disturbance, quick to fall back into their original happy state. DS2 and I have bog minds 😂 if we experience a disturbance, it takes AGES for the bog to settle back down to how it was before.

I may not be able to change my bog mind, but I can help myself to get past things by distracting myself out of it. This has helped - I hope you can work out a way to do the same.

Then it's worth making that distinction, so may give you room to accept and make the genuine apology.

I wonder if in the past you’ve been in relationships where the times when you’ve been apologised to made you feel as if you had the “upper hand” temporarily, when normally you didn’t have much control/voice?

And now you cling on out of an old habit to maintain that upper hand when actually, it’s no longer the case you’re in a relationship that is uneven in the power dynamic?

But this is just a guess - good luck with the therapy - you’ll be so pleased you did it. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you so much everyone for responding with such compassion.

I love the idea of going for a run or something and having an agreement that it’s done when I get back, I think that could help me massively (and get me back into running!)

We have hugged it out this morning and I’ve apologised for letting us go to bed not talking.

Good for you, it will change your life so much now you have recognised this is a destructive trait; getting to the root of why you are like this will help address it.

Reading all these posts with so much interest, as I posted last night to explain I am exactly the same. It’s like you have written my thoughts out, @dancingqueen345 . I’d love to hear how you move forward with this.

I did have quite a traumatic childhood, with alcoholism and DV in the home, so I do know that in some ways my emotional intelligence/regulation is behind (but in other ways heightened).

I can almost grasp what the block is, like having a word on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t quite grab it. Something blocks me from moving to anger/hurt to being fine, as other pp have described. Like a need to withdraw to protect myself from further hurt (because usually the anger is really about being hurt/let down). I want to drop it and move on, but it’s almost impossible, or beyond my capabilities.

I’m sure i would benefit from therapy, but how does one get therapy? Where do I start?

@lickycat I’m so sorry you feel the same, but glad you don’t have to feel alone in your thoughts and can benefit from the advice here!

I’ll be seeking counselling privately as I can get it discounted through my work private health care and I imagine going through the NHS is a huge wait.

Just as a thought, if you’re on the contraceptive pill then taking a magnesium supplement may well help. The pill can deplete your magnesium levels and it is a mood stabiliser. It was a god send for me, I could see myself being furious but couldn’t control it. Might be worth a punt, either way, while you sort some counselling/therapy.

It sounds like you’re not acknowledging your anger properly so it gets stuck. There’s probably a good reason and layers of feelings/beliefs involved, e.g. you’re feeling ashamed or afraid to feel angry, or you believe it’s wrong etc. Counselling can help you unpick it all so you can notice when you’re feeling angry and let the feeling happen without blocking it.