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Original poster

Am I a bad person? For not really caring when someone dies

42 replies

BlueBrickRoad · 01/05/2025 23:09

The thread title likely reads awful but let me explain.

When someone in the locality dies, sometimes I don't feel anything. Sometimes I just don't care. Every situation is different.

When it's someone younger I have the utmost of sympathy. But if it's an older person that dies, sometimes I don't care. Sometimes I do but every situation is different. If someone is leaving behind a family or if circumstances were very sad from death. I do care.

Recently an older man, likely in his 70s died. On some level I do care like oh no, that's sad. On aother hand, I find it hard to have some serious sympathy in that he was an older man and without a family. It just isn't really moving me. If it was someone younger eg maybe in their 60s or 50s and leaving a family, I would care.

AIBU with the next one. My mother would like be stop all my plans for the weekend to attend his funeral. I wasn't close to him. He is not family. She wasn't close to him either. We knew him as a neighbour but he kept to himself. He was a friendly neighbour but that was it.

I had plans made already for Saturday. Noone knows when the funeral is if it will be tomorrow or Saturday. I will be in work tomorrow. Then I Saturday I already had plans made. I booked a massage and that's something that I do need right now by the way. I have too much pressure on my life. Too much shit from other people. My mother just expects me to give up my plans even though if I was to cancel I would still be left paying for this. Not only that, my mother is excepting me just to get up and go to a funeral on Saturday evening (but she doesn't even though when it is, she is only just guessing).

I do t understand this. She wasn't close to him not was I. My mother is not an old woman and she can still be reasonably independent. She just wants me to attend his funeral and go with her and give up my own plans or rush home.

When his funeral could be watched online with a church stream and condolonces left online.

This older man who died, has no family except for another older sibling in a nursing home and he likely wouldn't really know himself or anything that's happening any more.

I just can't see what I should run around the county stressing myself yet again for a funeral for a man that I am not close to.

I have e a good mind just to do my own thing on Saturday and turn off my phone and dump it at the end of my bag.

OP posts:

Original poster

BlueBrickRoad · 01/05/2025 23:19

Also something else to add - my mother has an absolute disgusting attitude and tone for a very long time about that man and his brother and anytime they were I'll and needed an ambulance or had to go to hospital. She always mocked them. Or if she was being nosey looking out the window and sees an ambulance she would mock the 'two boyos' up the road and it must be for them again. There was a horrible tone from her. Now that he is dead she wants to fall over herself for his funeral and drag me too.

OP posts:

onewayoryourmother · 01/05/2025 23:36

Feels like there are two issues here and the biggest one is you allowing your mother to dictate your life.

Sonolanona · 02/05/2025 07:53

I wouldn't be going. If she wants to be a grief vampire let her, but it's not your family, not your circus. Make your own decisions!

Personally I'm quite sanguine about life ending ...and I've lost my Dad, my MIL, FIL, grandparents and my beloved step Mum. Life ends. I miss them sometimes but I don't feel especially sad if they have a decent life and were decent people... it's what happens!

Gundogday · 02/05/2025 07:55

I’d be ‘that’s sad’ but I wouldn’t feel the need to go to his funeral either.

HamYard · 02/05/2025 07:55

onewayoryourmother · 01/05/2025 23:36

Feels like there are two issues here and the biggest one is you allowing your mother to dictate your life.

Yes, your feelings about the deaths of virtual or total strangers aren’t the issue here, OP. Are you a young person still living at home or something? Otherwise, surely what your mother ‘expects’ is largely irrelevant.

Couldnotthinkofausername · 02/05/2025 08:07

How can no one know which day the funeral is ? You're definitely not being unreasonable, you don't even know the man well. Your mum obviously doesn't want to go on her own but that's not your problem. Just tell her you're not going.
( If you want to know when it is, google his name. It might be that it's private though or not having one at all since he has no family)

Damnloginpopup · 02/05/2025 09:07

Nope. You're not a bad person. There's no reason to give a shit about anyone you don't care about. You can't and shouldn't carry the sorrow of the world on your shoulders.

A friend is devastating. A stranger is irrelevant. There's varying levels in between.

NoodleNuts · 02/05/2025 09:34

I know its not the point of the thread but I have never known a funeral to be on a Saturday, never mind on a Saturday evening.

If you weren't close to this man then you don't need to go to his funeral if you don't want to, your mother can go on her own surely? I do think you are being unreasonable to say that you don't care about someone dying just because they are old!!

Hoppinggreen · 02/05/2025 09:36

Are you in Ireland where everyone goes to everyones funeral?
ven if you are its entirely up to you whether you go or not, your Mothers nasty attitude to you is another issue entirely

Original poster

BlueBrickRoad · 02/05/2025 15:48

I knew him as a neighbour so he wasn't a complete stranger but that was it. I don't feel anything towards him or his death.

My mother gave me another lecture today about his funeral whenever it's going to be on and that we have to show our faces.

I am thinking - show our faces to who? She wants to go to his funeral for a show. That's all.

I don't have any connection to him or his family and his remaining family are older and ill and in nursing homes and they probably won't even know who turns up or not.

I just hate how she is trying to dig into my time and try and force me to funeral that I dont want to go to.

OP posts:

Original poster

BlueBrickRoad · 02/05/2025 15:49

Hoppinggreen · 02/05/2025 09:36

Are you in Ireland where everyone goes to everyones funeral?
ven if you are its entirely up to you whether you go or not, your Mothers nasty attitude to you is another issue entirely

Ah yes, you got it right.

OP posts:

Damnloginpopup · 02/05/2025 15:51

No mother. He isn't going to come to mine.

bigknitblanket · 02/05/2025 15:56

No, firstly, of course you’re not unreasonable not to go to a funeral of a neighbour - I only go to funerals of people I knew and liked.
Secondly, you are unreasonable to worry so much about what your dm thinks. If she wants to go that’s fine, you can make your own decisions.

luckylavender · 02/05/2025 16:20

YANBU except 70s isn't old

Pogmochluais · 02/05/2025 16:29

I immediately knew you were in Ireland reading this, my username is a giveaway that I’m Irish too.

You have to change how you interact with your mother. Your relationship is one I’ve seen a lot of times in Ireland. There are a lot of families where control, enmeshment and duty are what are taught as being loving but really it is obviously a much deeper thing. Just learn to be less available to your mother and to not justify/explain that lessened availability. She will not change so it is much, much easier for you to change. We have been working on a very similar decoupling in our lives recently. It is challenging but so worth it.

Fuckfacetime · 02/05/2025 16:31

aleo knew you’d been in Ireland!

can you be vague and say to your mum that you have plans but you’ll see her there ?

gonna break the chain, or you’ll be going to funerals every weekend

ItGhoul · 02/05/2025 16:35

As others have said, it's your mother that's the problem here, not the funeral.

I realise funerals can be a very big deal in Ireland and that people often attend funerals of people they're only really passing acquaintances with. But even so, you've already made plans which I don't think most people would expect you to cancel when the deceased is someone you barely know, and even if people did expect you to cancel, the decision is for you to make, not your mother.

WeAreAllBucked · 02/05/2025 16:39

BlueBrickRoad · 02/05/2025 15:49

Ah yes, you got it right.

Show quote history

lol I knew you where in Ireland. I could not go to a wake or funeral of someone I did not know or like. Rural next door neighbour died. Sorry to speak ill of the dead but she wasn’t the nicest. Put your foot down and don’t go.

BlueberryFlapjack · 02/05/2025 16:41

You’re being unreasonable to think that being in your 70s is old. In my family that age group are still very active and switched on. YANBU not to feel anything about the death of a random neighbour you barely new.

You ARE being unreasonable to let your mother dictate your life, unless she’s somehow funding your lifestyle? No is a complete sentence. Just don’t go. It’ll be liberating for you, and for your mother, as she’ll get to see you’re a separate person who she’s not in control of.

Nannyfannybanny · 02/05/2025 16:46

I'm obviously different then. If it was a neighbour I knew I would probably go,if he had no family,no one to say goodbye, give respect. A few years ago, the body of a young woman believed to be in her 30,was found at beachy Head in Sussex. They never identified her, there was a local advert for people to attend her funeral. It was a beautiful summers day. 100 people turned up,to pay our last respects to this poor woman!

GoldBeautifulHeart · 02/05/2025 16:50

Don't go and don't dance to your mother's tune. Undo the chain.

Headingforholidays · 02/05/2025 17:07

I have also noticed this with Irish friends in the UK. The elderly partner of a lady I do a hobby with died. It would never have occurred to me to go to his funeral as I have never met him but the 2 Irish women in the group seemed to expect we would go, and seemed shocked when I said it hadn't even occurred to me!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/05/2025 17:14

Come and live in England. No one goes to a funeral unless it's their own family. It's great. My kids are teenagers and have NEVER been to a funeral.

I have plans I can't change Mum. I've sent condolences on RIP.ie
I have plans on Saturday. Say a decade of the rosary for me Mum.
I've given up funerals for Lent
I have a new policy, I only go to funerals of close friends and family/people I exchange Christmas cards with. So No I'm not coming.
I don't need to 'show my face", this isn't Fleabag.

CandyCane457 · 02/05/2025 17:23

Are you a grown adult? Why is your mum dictating what you do?

I also wouldn’t even be considering cancelling my massage to go this funeral. I don’t think you’re a bad person at all.

Original poster

BlueBrickRoad · 02/05/2025 17:24

I wish people would quit taking offence at what I wrote about people in their 70s getting older. I did not write old. I wrote older. That's what is happening to people every day. They are not getting any younger. Just because some people know people in their 70s that are fit, that is good for you and I wasn't referring to them. Everyone is different and there would equally be people who would not be as healthy in their 70s. Everyone is different.

I did not write old. I wrote older. So please quite taking offence.

Everyone is different. A lot of my neighbours are aging and many of them are in their 70s but they are all different. Some are very active and social and good and friendly and then there are others who are not like that. Everyone is different.

Please quit taking offence where there is none.

OP posts:

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