Am I a bad person? For not really caring when someone dies

[BlueBrickRoad]

The thread title likely reads awful but let me explain.

When someone in the locality dies, sometimes I don't feel anything. Sometimes I just don't care. Every situation is different.

When it's someone younger I have the utmost of sympathy. But if it's an older person that dies, sometimes I don't care. Sometimes I do but every situation is different. If someone is leaving behind a family or if circumstances were very sad from death. I do care.

Recently an older man, likely in his 70s died. On some level I do care like oh no, that's sad. On aother hand, I find it hard to have some serious sympathy in that he was an older man and without a family. It just isn't really moving me. If it was someone younger eg maybe in their 60s or 50s and leaving a family, I would care.

AIBU with the next one. My mother would like be stop all my plans for the weekend to attend his funeral. I wasn't close to him. He is not family. She wasn't close to him either. We knew him as a neighbour but he kept to himself. He was a friendly neighbour but that was it.

I had plans made already for Saturday. Noone knows when the funeral is if it will be tomorrow or Saturday. I will be in work tomorrow. Then I Saturday I already had plans made. I booked a massage and that's something that I do need right now by the way. I have too much pressure on my life. Too much shit from other people. My mother just expects me to give up my plans even though if I was to cancel I would still be left paying for this. Not only that, my mother is excepting me just to get up and go to a funeral on Saturday evening (but she doesn't even though when it is, she is only just guessing).

I do t understand this. She wasn't close to him not was I. My mother is not an old woman and she can still be reasonably independent. She just wants me to attend his funeral and go with her and give up my own plans or rush home.

When his funeral could be watched online with a church stream and condolonces left online.

This older man who died, has no family except for another older sibling in a nursing home and he likely wouldn't really know himself or anything that's happening any more.

I just can't see what I should run around the county stressing myself yet again for a funeral for a man that I am not close to.

I have e a good mind just to do my own thing on Saturday and turn off my phone and dump it at the end of my bag.

Gosh. So very many words in your posts OP, when a simple 'no thankyou' to your mother would do.

Ha ha Show your face 🤣 totally Irish and totally expected by people of a certain age . But not anymore . Many of my friends living in Ireland have the same problem. Is it that she wants you to take her ? Tell you will drop her off.

It's a bank holiday weekend here in Ireland. All of my bank holidays last year were consumed by others last year. If I wasn't working I was helping my partner through surgery on many bank holidays a dn I never owned one bank holiday last year. I did get one bank holiday off last year because I became I'll and I was floored and very sick with covid.

I went into this year thinking no way is anyone going to do that to me this year. It's just bank holidays are so valuable when you're working all the time. Already my mother was trying to dog into my Easter bank holiday and still Patrick's bank holiday was also eaten up by my boyfriend and his family. I am already booked for the June bank holiday for work. I really need this one and I just don't want to be going ria funeral of a person, and I know I know him as a neighbour but that's it.

I also hate attending funerals when it's from older people. He has some remaining siblings who are all much older like likely in their late 70s and 80s. I know it's a badge of honour for many older people to have such poor manners and cough and sneeze all over the place.

I think so but I don't own a car and can't even drive her anyways but I think she would like be to accompany her on the bus to the next village. It makes no sense. For her, it's all for show towards his family. His remaining family likely have dementia now.

The only thing that any of us on here can suggest is a better and more consistent use of the word "No". You had another thread recently where your mother was trying to get you to visit an uncle in hospital with her and it had exactly the same tone as this one and you were given the same advice.

Only you can change this.

I am very pragmatic about death, although am perhaps lucky to not have been personally affected by any young/tragic deaths. When can elderly person dies, like all my gps, of course I'm sad but I have never really held on to that sadness. I'm not one to post on fb, missing you today on what would've been your 107th birthday...

For me, funerals are more to support the people left behind, so I might go to the funeral of someone I didn't really know because I'm supporting a close friend.

No way do you have to go. Sounds like she lives really rural and trying to keep up appearances . Can't she go with anyone else . Again my friends would even be asked to go to far away funerals to " represent the family " ! Crazy and outdated. If you REALLY wanted to make peace would you go to the wake house tonight for an hour ?

There's nothing unreasonable about feeling a bit detached from the death of someone you don't know from Adam. Nor are you wrong to not want your DM digging into your time as you so aptly put it. It sounds as if you've had a rough time in the last year or so and you need some downtime and a little fun.

Some years ago, my MiL (who lived in a different part of the country to us) sent us details of the funeral of a remote family connection, expecting us to drop whatever we were doing that day and attend "on behalf of the family" because it was local to us. This lady was so remote that my DH couldn't remember ever having met her and she was referred to, not as Auntie this or Cousin that, but by her first name and surname. Needless to say, we did not attend.

I can't see that you mention your age OP, but I entered that point in a person's life when you start to lose people regularly some time ago. It's debilitating and sad and you can spend a lot of time at funerals feeling hollowed out. If you aren't there yet, try to make the most of your life while it's not punctuated by grief and the loss of those you love. We honour the dead by living, not by standing around at funeral teas.

Why would they? Being elderly (or older, or whichever it is you're trying to say) doesn't necessarily mean they will have dementia!

You are arguing just for the sake of it. I know his remaining brother was living locally to me for a long time. He did go somewhat funny or there was something that seemed off and strange about him. He is in a home now. He likely has dementia.

I know not everyone who gets older has dementia but there was something strange about him efire he went into a home.

I am not referring to you or your family who may be older having dementia by the way so please stop taking things out of context. I knew his brother like the neighbour he was too and he just turned strange and off. Just because I think he may have dementia doesn't mean that I am referring to everyone who is older has dementia like symptoms.

That’s a lot of angst for something that is easily resolved.
Is it the done thing to send a card? If so you buy a card ( probably a couple of euros) and write something standard but polite. I am sorry to hear of your loss. Rest in Peace George.
Your mum gives the card to nearest relative, you go off and do what you do.

My mother wasn't even close to him. She knew him as a neighbour too and said hello and had the usualt kinda friendly acquintance chat when they met but that was it. I think maybe it has hit my mother hard because they are the same age or very close to it. Still. It was stomach churning what she was saying. She wasn't very nice about him behind his back and about his brother's when they used to be ill a lot and had to go to the hospital and she was nearly mocking themselves Nd making a joke about them. Now shes falling over herself to go to his funeral but only to make an appearance and to be seen.

I view funerals as a complete waste of time. If it's not someone close to me or if I don't know them well or if it's not a friend's family - I just think people dying from the local village, and funerals from people I am not close to,.as a waste of time. Because like it could be the guts of 2/3 hours from travelling to mass not to mention mixing with people who may not have e any manners and becoming to exposed to other people's illnessness etc -

I am in a difficult place really in relation to life due to personal issues and work and other stuff. Another poster picked up on it.

When I get time off,.I want to grab it for myself. I had plans for this weekend.

I get you, if someone is young I feel sad but late 70 80 they have had a good long life
i dont go to funerals if I’ve not seen the person for years, why would you , if you didn’t see them when they were alive

This is it. There has been some deaths in recent times that I know about from younger people/adults, dying young from cancer and it shook me. I even learned about a lady who had motor neurone disease and she was gone within 11 months of diagnosis. All of these from younger people, it does hit me.

But older people and I am not fazed by it too much within reason. I know a ladys mom who died a few years ago and that struck me. Then another local lady died and she was older and that did kinda hit me and it still does because the place is not the same without her and she is missed. For the most part though I am not very fazed by a lot of older people dying. Everyone and every time is different.

In relation to this situation, I find it hard to be sad about this.