Anyone late diagnosed with ADHD? How did it leave you feeling?

[CaraVann]

I am 52.

yesterday I was diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD.

It wasn't a shock as I have been on a waiting list for a year but I genuinely thought it if I were to be diagnosed it would feel wonderful to be finally understood, validated and for all the pieces to finally slot together but instead I feel deeply saddened and very depressed.

I have been struggling with so much over the last 7 years. Caring for my mum who has Alzheimer's and breast cancer and helping my son struggle with 6 years of school anxiety (thankfully at 19 he is now much better). Helping my dd17 navigate life through her anxieties. I have spend many years helping others as until 6 months ago I was a PA for disabled people. I won't lie, it's been bloody draining.

I have had so many issues with my physical health too. Years of gynae issues and endless procedures at the gynae department over the last 13 years only to find out at the age of 50, it was undiagnosed endometriosis and adenomyosis. Decades of digestive issues which cause me problems every single day and being in perimenopause over the last 7 years has also brought me to my knees.

The ADHD diagnosis just feels like a kick in the teeth yet I thought it would help me make sense of my life and why I have always felt different from my peers and friends but it makes me feel like I am a giant failure. I have always struggled with finding a job I liked and could never fully concentrate enough to study (When I was 24 I had the chance to train to become a dispensing optician but I could not handle going to London every week). I was a SAHM in my 30's which, I know not ideal for most on MN but I loved it and it was some of my happiest years I have known but now I am a 52 year old woman in perimenopause who is bone tired, feeling useless, miserable and unwell on a daily basis. Nothing I have tried has helped me and my assessor has even advised me not to take the medications as it will more than likely exacerbate my gut issues so I am still floating in limbo-land.

I am also sad and angry for the younger me, the little girl who was constantly anxious, had lots of ocd's and strange behaviours but her parents didn't help her understand these feelings (not their fault I know as it was the 70's/80's). That little girl needed reassurance because she didn't understand why her brain was switched on 24/7.

Has anyone else been diagnosed later in life? How did it leave you feeling?

Ahhhh I am sorry you feel like that. I'm on a waiting list. It's interesting,as you say you expect to feel good and validated, but it is sad for the younger you.

I think it is the younger me that I feel sad for and the opportunities which came and went. Had I known back then maybe things would have been different?

Good luck with everything when you get your assessment, I hope it goes well for you.

I was diagnosed last summer and I felt the same. I felt sad for little me and felt that it wasn’t fair. However as time has gone on I’ve accepted it more I think, I now feel quite validated and also it helps me to realise that sometimes I’m not being lazy or stupid I just need to look at things differently. I think how you’re feeling is a valid part of the process really. I hope you find the positives in it soon.

I was diagnosed via psychiatryuk as a private patient when I was 50. I couldn't afford the new medication after I found that I couldn't take the methylphenidate. I couldn't face battling the nhs for their acceptance to treat me, so I'm un medicated apart from an antidepressant and propranolol for anxiety. It's really difficult and my health is affected and I'm getting worse physically. I'm 55 now and I've had enough of struggling. I have autism as well which doesn't help.

Same here. I think we go through a kind of grieving process on diagnosis. I feel so sad looking back at all the times I struggled. But, ultimately I've found it really liberating. It's explained so so much and I'm kinder to myself as a result.

I’m feel sad for you too 💐We have lots of the same issues, I have adenomyosis and endo. I’ve been in perimenopause for almost a decade. Started when I was 35.
I can’t take some meds due to the problems and interactions with others.

It felt great to finally get an adenomyosis diagnosis but then I felt really sad for younger me who struggled through life being told it was ‘just periods’ and I struggled to be taken seriously by doctors when I knew I was in peri so early.

One thing that has really helped me has been counselling. My GP surgery offers CBT and I took it to help me through my diagnosis.

What has happened to you is a life changing thing, it might be helpful to speak to someone to process it. I was very angry (why did nobody listen/help me earlier/send me for tests) and dwelt a lot in the past.

I know now that I have to focus on today, what’s happening now, what meds can I take etc.

It has really helped me change my focus and has helped me move that angry energy into a better place ❤️

You deserve to be happy and to have support from others. You have spent so much of your life caring for people, I hope you get some good care in return.

Very recently diagnosed with combined type. Instant reaction was relief, but it’s been quickly followed by sadness and anger. I’m grieving for my childhood, the mistreatment I experienced from all the adults in my life over things I couldn’t help and needed serious support with. I didn’t recently discover ADHD through social media, I’ve said since I was a teenager (well over 20 years ago) that I (and a sibling) had obvious traits. No one listened and it’s had a severe impact on my life. One of my parents worked in special needs and said straight out they suspected I was autistic (certainly had traits as a child), and still did nothing. All I can do is focus on the future, hope when we sort medication it will help and make sure my children (diagnosed with AuHD) never go through what I did.

I was immensely relieved at first, that my constant failures in life weren't as much my fault as my parents made out.

It has since become a source of frustration though, as from my manager I just get 'oh, we're all forgetful at this stage of life' and she still thinks it's weaponized incompetence. She doesn't seem to understand that my life would be much easier if I was just able to do things properly.

Thank you. I'm going to start thinking more positively about it all, do as much research as possible and then start looks my forward. Just going to allow myself a day or two of mourning those lost years.

I’m 38 and have just received my ADHD and Bipolar diagnosis. I went through similar feelings to what you’re describing, sad for the younger me, but also optimistic about how my life might be easier now with the medication. I feel lighter. I am sleeping again, which seems miraculous!

I have many autistic traits too but don't have the energy to go through this again tbh.
I'm sorry you are struggling, I totally understand.

My 50's seems to have drawn everything to a head, I am also finding that perimenopause has exacerbated everything which is no fun.

Thank you. Sorry you also have endometriosis and adenomyosis, not a great combination is it?

I will definitely look into counselling or CBT, I think it could help.

Diagnosed aged 60. First thought was 'of COURSE!' as so many past behaviours made sense, Still getting hit with sudden knowledge, such as why I couldn't understand rules of games at school when everyone else seemed to have had them input at birth. Some unhappiness about childhood/relationships but then ADHD wasn't known about when I was a child so I couldn't have been diagnosed then anyway, so nobody was at fault.

Mostly I feel that I understand myself better now and it enables me to stop beating myself up about behaviours that I now realise aren't actually under my total control.

Hi, its a very common trait with ADHd to blame yourself for things - if only I'd been able to do it, I messed up etc. In reality that's not a fair way of looking at it - you didn't have the right support. Adhd was barely diagnosed in the 90s, only around 15 people in the UK were medicated so there wasn't the support - you aren't alone and its not your fault, it's not you!

There's a really good book by a couple called Rich and Rox called Small Talk. It's about all the negative self beliefs we have with adhd.

Now that you have a diagnosis you can begin learning a bit more about it, things that help. But it's a shock and a roller coaster to start with as you look back with grief.

I battle with thing sometimes - Ive never been on same trajectory as peers etc. but I promise there is so much progress you can make with reframing positive core beliefs about yourself, and with your new knowledge finding things that do work for you.

In Answer to your q - I knew it was adhd really so not a big surprise....and promptly forgot about it for about six months before actually starting medication etc 🤣

That's the hardest part for me atm, feeling such sorrow for the you get me. My parents did nothing to help me even though I displayed some very unusual behaviours as a child. I need to learn to leave that in the past I suppose.

I settled on fast acting methylphenidate. It does help, not always. Peri menopause also makes symptoms worse.

Things that help the most for me currently are using an online notebook for work and writing everything down.

Also I have labelled the shit out of everything in my house with a labelling machine and did a massive declutter so I have less stuff to make messy. There's a lovely lady who has a podcast called Clutter Bug (she has ADHD).

That does sound encouraging, thank you.

Absolute relief.

It hasn't changed anything other than having an explanation for me being me.

I was 37 when diagnosed.

Thank you so much, that's given me some drive.

I'm going to research as much as I can and make the most out of this diagnosis, however late it's come.

I'll definitely get the book, I follow Rich and Rox on TT.

I need a huge declutter. I'll start low and slow lol

I thought it would help me make sense of my life and why I have always felt different from my peers and friends but it makes me feel like I am a giant failure
I find this an interesting statement. How do you know that your friends don’t feel the same way as you? By the sounds of it, you’ve had a challenging life as an adult so far - because of factors out of your control. A diagnosis of ADHD wasn’t going to change that - all those things you’ve experienced are nothing to do with ADHD. Dwelling on what might have been is a very unhealthy way to look at your life. I’d agree that having some counselling in order to address those feelings would be helpful, but it’s important to look forward positively in life.

Most of my friend are all the same friends from childhood (one from the age of 5 and the other four from secondary school). We have had in-depth conversations about this. None felt like I did growing up.

How did you feel after your late diagnosis? Did you not feel a little sad for your childhood?

I was diagnosed late & have DC who was diagnosed at primary school age.

I think in some ways as there is very little support or understanding beyond school anyway that actually if you don't want or need medication then it can be worse having it as a 'label' as it can get in the way of how you see yourself as an individual.

Back before widespread diagnosis we were more accepting of our own successes & failures. Most of the opportunities in life come about through luck or privileges.

Its normal to mourn what you feel you lost through having ADHD/not having the label but in reality it may not have made any difference overall in your life.

If you hadn't have had ADHD your life may have been better but equally it may have been worse, if you had a diagnosis earlier it may have been better but equally you may have missed opportunities or not taken risks due to it.

Gosh yes. I can relate to your post big time. I was diagnosed about 10 years ago and knowing made me deeply miserable, even though I sought it out.

I have been a mess for most of my life! My parents ignored it or endlessly shamed me. My sibling is very neurotypical so I always felt like a failure.

Like you, my happiest time was when I had little children and a SAHM. I always felt a bit embarrassed about that, but now I feel sad that my favourite days are done. But I think what I loved about those days was the constant change and activity and energy, and also the freedom to be able to do whatever we wanted during the day - and I really liked going to kid activities! (Can’t stay in!) So, oddly, my ADHD brain thrived being a SAHM as we were always nonstop and constantly socialising.

I’m adrift again. Don’t want to medicate. A bit listless and lost. My job “suits” me, but I’m bored of it and looking to change it (yet again).

ADHD is awful, truly, I hate it.