Anyone late diagnosed with ADHD? How did it leave you feeling?

[CaraVann]

I am 52.

yesterday I was diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD.

It wasn't a shock as I have been on a waiting list for a year but I genuinely thought it if I were to be diagnosed it would feel wonderful to be finally understood, validated and for all the pieces to finally slot together but instead I feel deeply saddened and very depressed.

I have been struggling with so much over the last 7 years. Caring for my mum who has Alzheimer's and breast cancer and helping my son struggle with 6 years of school anxiety (thankfully at 19 he is now much better). Helping my dd17 navigate life through her anxieties. I have spend many years helping others as until 6 months ago I was a PA for disabled people. I won't lie, it's been bloody draining.

I have had so many issues with my physical health too. Years of gynae issues and endless procedures at the gynae department over the last 13 years only to find out at the age of 50, it was undiagnosed endometriosis and adenomyosis. Decades of digestive issues which cause me problems every single day and being in perimenopause over the last 7 years has also brought me to my knees.

The ADHD diagnosis just feels like a kick in the teeth yet I thought it would help me make sense of my life and why I have always felt different from my peers and friends but it makes me feel like I am a giant failure. I have always struggled with finding a job I liked and could never fully concentrate enough to study (When I was 24 I had the chance to train to become a dispensing optician but I could not handle going to London every week). I was a SAHM in my 30's which, I know not ideal for most on MN but I loved it and it was some of my happiest years I have known but now I am a 52 year old woman in perimenopause who is bone tired, feeling useless, miserable and unwell on a daily basis. Nothing I have tried has helped me and my assessor has even advised me not to take the medications as it will more than likely exacerbate my gut issues so I am still floating in limbo-land.

I am also sad and angry for the younger me, the little girl who was constantly anxious, had lots of ocd's and strange behaviours but her parents didn't help her understand these feelings (not their fault I know as it was the 70's/80's). That little girl needed reassurance because she didn't understand why her brain was switched on 24/7.

Has anyone else been diagnosed later in life? How did it leave you feeling?

I find it easier to accept that life maybe hasn’t turned out the way I’d have liked it to because I didn’t have the same start as other people even though it looked like I did.

I also feel so angry that I was just labelled as a troubled teen. So angry. The thought of my kids behaving the way I did and me just thinking I got a feisty one and hating them for it.

The ADHD grief cycle is a thing but ultimately you will emerge much kinder to yourself. Give it time

I was 24 so in comparison, not that late.

I first felt relief and elation that I had an explanation and I wasn't just a naughty, difficult child grown up into a bad, lazy adult.

Then I felt angry and resentful at all the people who had judged me, the professionals I had come into contact with along the way who hadn't picked up on it sooner and the opportunities I'd missed because of it.

I feel deeply sad about the hellish teenage years and early 20s I endured, hated by my peers, my teachers, my employers, my housemates when I had them, and my parents because I could never meet their expectations. No-one was on my side, everyone thought that I was the way I was because I wanted to be, that I didn't fit in because I thought I was special. The environment I was in, being organised and academic and the same as everyone else was everything.

Then I moved on and tried to accept that it was time to restart my life with my new understanding. I have days of negativity- sometimes I hear all the voices of everyone who was so angry at me for so long and remember how breathtakingly lonely I was, and I think it was all my fault and I've just made up ADHD myself, despite being diagnosed by a two different psychiatrists several years apart (long story.) I will always have some mental health issues and trauma from it. But it is what it is and I have to embrace the present and try to deal with the past.

So so similar to my experience. You feel so let down.

I'm 50 and was diagnosed about 15 years ago. In the intervening years I have come to realise it's not a panacea. I'm still me, a unique person with plenty of faults but also many good points. Just like everyone else.

If you've felt 'broken' for a long time the desire is to be fixed and that rarely happens 100%. I totally understand you, as I've been through (and sometimes return) to those feelings.

It's fine and probably necessary to feel sorry for the little girl who struggled. What you have now is the understanding of why, and you can look back and acknowledge that the little girl's needs weren't met and that wasn't your fault. I now acknowledge that it wasn't my parents or teachers fault either, it just wasn't known about back then. Some people were compassionate anyway, and looking back I find that really wonderful, it showed real humanity.

I think finding a label to say, look, I wasn't bad or lazy, was something I really needed at one point but I've moved away from talking about myself as being ADHD. I prefer to just think this is me, in this world, with these challenges but also these skills, this support, these interests, this family, these experiences good and bad. The next person has a different and complex list that affects how they function in the world.

I hope you find some peace with it, but you will need time to think through and grieve what could have been. You sound like a compassionate and caring person. 'Forgiving' yourself for struggling is also really important. We all struggle sometimes, that's the one universal truth that comes with being human.

I totally agree with you. Everything you have written echoes with me.

Thank you, I am looking forward to that time and working forward from it.

5 Stages of the ADHD Grief Cycle After Diagnosis

Funnily enough I've just come back from the assessment of my adult ds; helping with the "what was he like in childhood" part.

I have been wondering whether I should be assessed myself; and reading some of the questions for my ds, made me feel quite emotional about my self. I put it to the back of my mind to focus on ds; but I thought I could easily see myself sobbing if I was in an assessment for me.

I'm 57 and feel quite sad that nobody would have thought of me as possibly being adhd when I was a child. It was all "the naughty boys" in the 70s and 80s.

Another thing that occurs to me about why I loved having young children… I don’t mask around my husband and children. When I’m at work or with friends, I try to seem capable and focussed. I’m a people-pleaser, so I also act like whoever the other person wants me to be. But with my husband and my children, especially when they were small, I was myself. It was ok to be me - good, in fact. I was good at it and I wasn’t faking it.

I wonder if it felt that way for you, too?

Masking is very tiring.

I was diagnosed a fortnight ago aged 44. I was quite shocked by the grief that hit me for all the years of trying to be ‘normal’. It’s given me a reason to be gentle with myself but I’ve also found it surprisingly hard. I’ve always wanted to find a way to be ‘normal’ and now I know I won’t be. I was also diagnosed autistic last year, so I have a lot of adjustment to do. Diagnosis from a third party is an unexpectedly big thing.

Yes, this is exactly how I am which is why I will be very selective who I tell regarding my ADHD as I know several people will not believe me because I do mask so well (Well, I have had decades of experience so quite the pro these days!), it is very draining.

I do not mask at home, I think this is why I can feel emotionally, mentally and physically crap during the day and feel so much better come the evening when everything drops and the mask is thrown to one side.

I also loved being a SAHM because I could live the life that I really wanted which is not masking around people who don't get me and enjoying easy going child-like activities. I have never enjoyed being an adult in all honesty. Not sure if that is an ADHD thing or simply me?