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Original poster

If a long standing friend suddenly declared he was in love, would you tell DP?

42 replies

Packcold · 27/04/2025 23:19

A story as old as time, a man who I've always consdered a friend and not a particularly close one at that, has declared "feelings".

He's in his 50s (like me) and unhappily married (yawn).

I'm furious with him and have left him under no illusion about that, but I wonder if I should tell DP .

On the one hand, I hate secrets, and lies by ommission. I'd like to think he'd tell me, although I'm not sure what I'd do with that info.

Otoh, it could cause harm in our friendship groups, would upset DP and it might just be better to pretend it never happened.

Fwiw DP is fairly new, we've only been together 4 months, it's all going very well but it is early days. He's friends with this man from before we got together. I've known feelings man much longer than I've known DP

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 27/04/2025 23:20

Ouch. Tough one.

I'd be inclined to tell your DP, for fear that the friend might deliberately give him the wrong impression at some point.

Maitri108 · 27/04/2025 23:22

Yes why not?

HarpSnail · 27/04/2025 23:24

I think at four months I wouldn’t be anywhere near considering someone as a ‘DP’. It would be very new boyfriend territory. I don’t think I’d give it a great deal of thought. If the besotted guy isn’t even a close friend, it’s presumably some passing crush. Just suggest he puts a sock in it, as you have, and move on.

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Original poster
Packcold · 27/04/2025 23:26

HarpSnail · 27/04/2025 23:24

I think at four months I wouldn’t be anywhere near considering someone as a ‘DP’. It would be very new boyfriend territory. I don’t think I’d give it a great deal of thought. If the besotted guy isn’t even a close friend, it’s presumably some passing crush. Just suggest he puts a sock in it, as you have, and move on.

I know, but I can't have a BF in my 50s 🤣 and what else do you call him?

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 27/04/2025 23:28

Packcold · 27/04/2025 23:26

I know, but I can't have a BF in my 50s 🤣 and what else do you call him?

Show quote history

Gentleman caller? 😆

ducks swiftly

Mickeychampionwhatgoodami · 27/04/2025 23:33

WearyAuldWumman · 27/04/2025 23:20

Ouch. Tough one.

I'd be inclined to tell your DP, for fear that the friend might deliberately give him the wrong impression at some point.

Definitely get your shots in first then there can be no misunderstandings if the friend says anything different.

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 28/04/2025 06:14

Sorry, does he have 'feelings' for you? If so, you can simply tell him you are in a relationship, but even if you weren't, he's married (happily or not) and thus you tell him you wouldn't countenance any relationship.
What did you say at the time? Was he drunk?
No point in telking you new partner because hopefully you've made it clear you are not interested.

isthismylifenow · 28/04/2025 06:33

This is a new relationship OP. I wouldn't make a point of starting a conversation about it, but if the conversation steers that way, you could just drop in that you think the friend fancies you. As in a passing comment. Very different if it's been 4 years..

I had the same uncomfortableness when I last dated someone. Also in 50s. Boyfriend sounds so ridiculous. I'd go with partner, but I did refer to him as 'my squeeze' sometimes ,😂

Phoebepeeby · 28/04/2025 06:36

Nothing good comes from keeping it a secret, it will come out eventually.
Is friend man going to tell Dp?

Allthetimeintheworld25 · 28/04/2025 06:41

One of my dhs friends did the same to me a few years ago. I laughed it off, said I would put it down to some sort of mid life crisis, because I didn’t think he was the kind of man who would actually want to do that to his wife and I certainly wasn’t the kind of woman who would do that to my husband or his wife. Never told my DH because I honestly think it was some sort of mid life crisis! It’s never been mentioned again.

Original poster
Packcold · 28/04/2025 08:03

Yes, I'm sure it is a mid life crisis, but while it's never been directly mentioned before he has dropped tiny hints, that's I've tried to close down and ingnore/assumed they were because he was drunk or joking, a few times before over the last couple of years.

OP posts:
butternutsquashed · 28/04/2025 08:30

Tell your partner. Something similar happened to me, I was bloody furious also aged late forties. He has a much younger wife and their kid was a toddler at the time. We had been friends for many years, I went as only woman to his stag do, that’s how close a friend he was. Pulled away a lot only ever see him with DH there now.

VaddaABeetch · 28/04/2025 08:32

I bet his feelings are in his trouser region.

Ignore feelings man after you tell him you are not interested now or ever.

No need to mention it to your new squeeze. You don’t know each other yet.

Original poster
Packcold · 28/04/2025 08:38

I know "DP" and I haven't been together long, but we're well past the casual dating stage. Our lifestyles are such that we've spent a lot of time together, been on holiday together twice, met parents, have travel plans right up to the end of this year etc. We knew each other before and were spending a lot of time together. In fact many people we know assumed we were a couple long before we realised what was going on 😆

OP posts:
ThisIsItNowOrNever · 28/04/2025 08:40

I think I would tell him just the same way I would tell other friends about it.
Imagine the opposite scenario: how would OP react if they were to find out at a later stage that this friend confessed their love to you? They probably would not impressed and even suspect that some shenanigans are at play.

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 28/04/2025 08:42

I know this isn't the point of your post at all but I'm jealous you're getting so much romantic attention in your 50s! I wouldn't tell your new partner, it will make it into a bigger deal than it needs to be. You've shut your friend down very firmly so it'll blow over now

CuttedPearPie · 28/04/2025 08:43

Urgh I really hate this new trend of calling everyone a partner. After 4 months he's "a guy you're seeing", and based on that i wouldn't tell him what your friend said no, especially as that friend is his friend too

Hdjdb42 · 28/04/2025 08:51

I'd mention it to the guy I'm seeing but wouldn't harp on about it. I'd see the friend alot less, now he's said that.

Original poster
Packcold · 28/04/2025 09:01

Hdjdb42 · 28/04/2025 08:51

I'd mention it to the guy I'm seeing but wouldn't harp on about it. I'd see the friend alot less, now he's said that.

I don't ever see him on our own anyway. He's very much part of our friendship group. If I don't see him, I won't see anyone, especially if I don't tell anyone what's happened.

OP posts:
Arraminta · 28/04/2025 10:10

I've had this. Years ago one of DH's oldest friends confessed he was in love with me and had been since we'd first met. I was nonplussed as I only ever thought of him like a brother. I (nicely) shut him down immediately and didn't tell DH.

He's now married with teenage kids, but I'm aware that he still feels the same about me.

GameOfJones · 28/04/2025 10:18

This is a tricky one. If you'd been with new guy longer then I would say it's a no brainer to tell him but with such a new relationship I'm not sure I would mention it if you've shut it down firmly already and he's only mentioned it the one time to you.

How good a friend is this man to your new partner? If they are close rather than acquaintances then I think I would have to say something.

BullintheHeather · 28/04/2025 10:24

After four months I don’t think you need to tell your dp. But I would make sure feelings guy knows never to bring it up again or you’ll tell his wife.
If you tell your bf, the wife may well end up finding out.
He hasn’t actually cheated (even though he wanted to), maybe soon he’ll put it down to a moment of madness, forget it and work on his marriage, you never know.

Original poster
Packcold · 28/04/2025 10:27

GameOfJones · 28/04/2025 10:18

This is a tricky one. If you'd been with new guy longer then I would say it's a no brainer to tell him but with such a new relationship I'm not sure I would mention it if you've shut it down firmly already and he's only mentioned it the one time to you.

How good a friend is this man to your new partner? If they are close rather than acquaintances then I think I would have to say something.

They're friends but not especially close.

It's a terrible shame because I've always thought of feelings man as one of the good guys. It's very disappointing to find out he'd do this to his wife or to his friend.

OP posts:
financialcareerstuff · 28/04/2025 13:05

definitely tell DP, if you are a proper committed partnership. But tell him as a fully resolved issue already, for transparency - not that he needs to wade in and fix anything.

I'm curious how your friend told you… was he proposing an affair? That you both break up and be together? Or simply broke down to be honest about his feelings, with no intent? I think being clear about that with your DP is also valuable.

Original poster
Packcold · 28/04/2025 13:06

financialcareerstuff · 28/04/2025 13:05

definitely tell DP, if you are a proper committed partnership. But tell him as a fully resolved issue already, for transparency - not that he needs to wade in and fix anything.

I'm curious how your friend told you… was he proposing an affair? That you both break up and be together? Or simply broke down to be honest about his feelings, with no intent? I think being clear about that with your DP is also valuable.

I'm not entirely sure if I'm honest. He started trying to have a heart to heart and I shut him down and told him I didn't want to hear it, so I'm not sure where he was planning to head with it.

OP posts: