If a long standing friend suddenly declared he was in love, would you tell DP?

[Packcold]

A story as old as time, a man who I've always consdered a friend and not a particularly close one at that, has declared "feelings".

He's in his 50s (like me) and unhappily married (yawn).

I'm furious with him and have left him under no illusion about that, but I wonder if I should tell DP .

On the one hand, I hate secrets, and lies by ommission. I'd like to think he'd tell me, although I'm not sure what I'd do with that info.

Otoh, it could cause harm in our friendship groups, would upset DP and it might just be better to pretend it never happened.

Fwiw DP is fairly new, we've only been together 4 months, it's all going very well but it is early days. He's friends with this man from before we got together. I've known feelings man much longer than I've known DP

Why give him information he can do nothing with.

youve done nothing wrong, so nothing to admit. Definitely not lying by omission.

just ignore the twattish "friend", stay out of his way and get on with your life. definitely don't be flattered by the attention of a twat.

I would maybe agree if the DP wasn’t friends with the friend.

But DP sees and interacts with this guy frequently -so I think he has a right to know…. If one of your girl friends hit on your DP, and you carried on being nice to your friend oblivious, while your DP kept her secret….. you’d think that was ok?

Not telling could also be interpreted as loyalty to the friend over loyalty to the DP. Might encourage friend to think there is a chance, and feel they have a secret together…. Proves to them she’s willing to hide things from DP.

Why don’t you want to tell him?

In your shoes, I would. I would feel betrayed if a mutual friend confessed their feelings to my partner and he didn’t tell me!

The reasons not to tell him are that there's not really anything to tell and because it might upset him or make him feel insecure.

It could also ruin all our social groups, which are very overlapping.

I think there's also a strong possibility he'd tell other mutual friends.

I think it’d be only normal for him to get upset because your friend has frankly been pretty disrespectful to your relationship by confessing his feelings.

That being said, I think you’re on here asking if you should tell him because you want to BUT you know what he’s like and you know there will be fallout. It’s not good that you can’t trust him to keep things between you two, is it? I think your fear of his reaction points to bigger issues about the relationship. If there’s anything I’ve learned about relationships, it’s that the things that you dismiss in the beginning always, always become issues down the line.

I don't think he'll be upset with me, but he will be bothered about it and may want to confide in another friend

Given that you have only been with your dp for four months you really do not have to mention it particularly if it could result in problems in your friendship group.

You have made things clear to him that nothing is going to happen so personally I would just move on.

If it was a one-off bit of stupidity, then there is no value, imo, saying anything to the DP.

it would be better to address the matter directly with the "friend", especially if it persists. At that stage, mentioning it to the DP would definitely be the way forward.

a friend of ours made a pass at me once and I secretly rolled my eyes, ignored very explicitly, and didn't bring the matter up again. Nothing further took place as i made certain the friend knew i was absolutely not interested. another idiot. There are a lot of them about 😊 saying something isn't always the only option.

Yes, that's my preferred way forward currently. Treat it as nothing because that's what it is, especially as I cut him off before he got to say his full piece.

But, I do think if the roles were reversed and I found out later, I'd hate that DP hadn't told me.

I would absolutely tell DH and thinking back to the early days of our relationship I would've absolutely told him then too. It would be much worse if it came out somehow in the future and it all seemed illicit and secret.

I'd be inclined to leave it, for the moment. If, however, feelings man tries again to broach the subject, I'd firmly shut him down for a second time and then tell new man about it. I'm not sure that it warrants a big discussion at this point, especially as it may impact on larger friendship groups.

Very sound advice here and a good way to phrase it.

You are not responsible to the other man's feelings or reputation.

I'm on the side of tell, but not in a big deal way. I'd be likely to drop it into a general friends-related chat, along the lines of "Can you believe Geoff told me he's got a crush on me?! Haha, what a nit. Told him where to go. Preferably back to his wife."

Others may have different styles, obvs.

I wouldn’t at 4 months. I would if it was a serious established relationship though.

I use to refer to dh as that guy I’m seeing (bit of a mouthful though) and he went with ‘our lass’

My wife has had this quite a few times times now (she's completely gorgeous and that's definitely a universally recognised fact, not my biased opinion😀), mainly old uni friends, and new people through hobbies. She always tells me, and it makes me feel flattered, proud to be with her, reinforces my trust in her, and gives us a bit of a laugh, if i'm honest. I'm a pretty secure bloke in a 15 year marriage though, so maybe i would react differently if it was something newer.