Family support - did your experience of raising children differ from your parents’?

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There’s a good number of threads about the age of current parents & grandparents, and wider family support or lack of, and I’m wondering what the general profile is for those who’s parents both had support themselves and also provided it down to the next generation.

I appreciate Mumsnet mums tend to the higher formal education & qualifications end of the spectrum which will likely not be reflective of the national picture, but basically I’m interested in those, who like me & my DH, both had our own grandparents, aunts, great-aunts providing a lot of support to our parents, and yet we’ve had to go it alone with our own children - despite both my parents & in laws retiring young & healthy enough to help out if they had wished. I’m not even talking about regular childcare, just even occasional help that would’ve made a huge difference.

And as an aside we both now have the burden of elder care looming large. (DC now older and more self sufficient)

From my own perspective I think my own children see how relentless child rearing can be without a ‘village’ and I strongly suspect they’ll opt out of parenthood, even though I’d be willing & keen to help them, knowing how hard & at times lonely it was for me, especially in the baby & toddler years - I wouldn’t dream of not helping if I were able.

Yeah we have no local hands on support but we live away from where we grew up. My parents lived within an hour of my grandparents when I was growing up.

One of DH’s parents is incapacitated and the other one is toxic despite living very close (followed us even though we live 400 miles from where they lived for 60 years 🙄).

My parents are helpful but live 300 miles away. They come and visit sometimes and we go there sometimes, they’ve had the older kids to stay for a few days a couple of times. Which is nice.

I was at my grandma’s once a week overnight since I was 2 years old until school age and my grandma came and cleaned my mum’s house every week - my mum would never do that! Me and my sibling went to other grandparents’ for a week a couple of times a year.

My parents are pretty monosyllabic when not in-person so not much emotional support there either. Generally nice in person though although can be a bit intolerant of the kids!

Actually it’s the other way round for me. My mum took voluntary redundancy around the time DC1 was born and my MIL didn’t work, so they both offered to do 1 day a week childcare when I went back to work. I don’t know about MIL, but my grandparents did not help out with regular childcare when we were little. We used to go and stay with my mum’s parents a couple of times a year while my parents went away.

We're similar - I had one set of grandparents 10 minutes away while growing up, and they did one school run a week, though were in general quite light touch (such that I was collecting younger siblings from school rather than them).

However now one set of grandparents is dead, and the other 8 hours away, so no regular help there. DD has seen that it's a lot of work, and isn't sure about having children herself (though only 12, so I wouldn't hold her to anything she says now)

My parents had some support; they’ve given us more than they had (because they remember how hard the juggle was). They will always come & look after the dc if ill so we don’t have to negotiate the time off work. It’s a massive help.

My parents moved away from their families when pg with their first (Me) for Dad's new job. It must have extremely difficult knowing no one and no support. They moved back to their home area 17yrs later when we knew no one and had to start from scratch. Their parents had since retired 1hr30 away near the seaside. I was always envious of my cousins to spend lots of time with GPs.

Since having my DC, I was very lucky to have hands on PIL and Ps, they did weekly childcare and wanted to have them for weekends every now and again. Sadly PIL are too old to look after my young Nephews, I feel really lucky that DC had a close relationship with them when they could.

My mum’s parents were quite elderly when she had young kids/early teens, so she did a lot of caring for them (stroke and dementia).
Obviously, they were unable to help her with her children, and I think the fact that she spent so many years looking after them, meant that when they died, she never, ever babysat or helped in any way with her grandchildren.

My in-laws have been more helpful and involved, but never provided regular childcare or overnights.

I (and DB) see to spend one week every summer at each set of grandparents (so two weeks) plus occasional weekends at my nearest grandparents. Parents used this time for holidays or DIY projects. I also used to go and stay with my Aunt for a few days every year. Grandparents and Aunt also used to come and stay with us to babysit when parents were going out for the night.

When Mums friends started becoming grandparents she made a point of telling me that there was no way she’d be helping with any babysitting or childcare like they were.

My two children are grown up now. They never had overnights with grandparents. MIL often came to stay with us but didn’t babysit she came to SEE the grandchildren but we had to be there too.

FIL babysat in our house once but that was the only time. DM was dead by then and DF never really bothered with my children.

We basically went to places as a whole family or only one of us adults went. The first time we had a night away on our own as a couple our eldest was 16 and the youngest was on a school residential trip.

My family were in the services and moved around, so no, no support.

That said, my mum was at home throughout my primary education because of the constant moving and its limiting effect on her career. I imagine mums in our family’s position now have to make a career work regardless, it must be hard.

For us, my parents were helpful where they could be but didn’t live nearby. My MIL did one days childcare at her own (very forceful) request. Financially it was incredibly helpful but she put a big strain on our marriage. Now the kids are bigger and one has diagnosed SN she’s not desperately interested in them any more.

My mother never worked after having us. She was always there and she waited on everyone hand and foot. I wasn’t expected to do anything at all in terms of cooking/cleaning.

On the other hand my three boys grew up learning how to cook and clean. When they went away to university, I had no worries about them looking after themselves. Now as husbands and fathers they 100% pull their weight.

My mum had no support at all from family and did it all alone, on the other side my mum, sister and MIL are both great and really help us out with regular and ad hoc childcare. My MIL is elderly now but still has them after school for tea once a week. I don't know how my mum did it looking back and knowing now how hard it can be.

I was born in 1960 and my mum didn't work until my brother (born 1963) went to secondary school. They'd moved away from family and there were very very few childcare options where we lived so she stayed at home until we could both be left unattended if necessary. She had no help at all, apart from my dad, who was very hands on.

I also moved away from family and had no help. My brother, on the other hand, had my parents on hand to look after his children a LOT. I know my parents felt guilty about the fact that I was a single mum and 350 miles away, struggling, but what could they do?

It was very similar for me - my parents (and I was born in 1972) both worked FT and had no regular support at all. Paternal grandparents were local but my grandmother was in and out of psychiatric hospital, maternal a couple of hundred miles away but my grandmother was physically disabled which made them visiting extremely difficult due to the house, and so we'd go with mum but no having us on their own.
A generation back, my dad was mostly cared for by his aunts, and my great grandmother when widowed moved in to look after mum and sibs when grandmother was in hospital for a year, but it was all pretty exceptional circumstances

My mother had me aged 23 and my grandma was 47 when I was born. My parents detested each other and I spent a lot of time with my grandparents as a child, probably every weekend and many school holidays. When my mother married for the third time, I lived with them during 6th form. My mother to this day thinks they did very little to help her.

When our DC were born in our mid thirties, we had very little help and lived a long way away from both sets of grandparents. Visits were occasional. DH's parents came to us and MIL still doesn't appear to know where the kettle is in my house 35 years later (not that she is well enough to make the journey nowadays). The DC sometimes stayed with my mother in the holidays but dd decided she didn't want to go aged 12.

The DC are fond of their grandparents but they weren't involved in their upbringing. The DC have a much better and closer relationship with DH and me than we ever had with our own parents.

I imagine the DC will start families in the next five years. We will be happy to help out occasionally and in emergencies. We do not wish to do formal, regular childcare. We did our time and the DC are independent and competent.

My Nan looked after me and my siblings several nights a week, and I had my much younger DB stay with me for a week or so in the holidays once I moved out, but despite my parents being relatively young (in their 50s) for modern grandparents they never looked after their GC. PILs were older (60s) but not elderly and only had one GC visit when he was older teenage.
When DH was hospitalised for a month while DC were young primary age, my PILs and Parents visited our (mid-renovation) house but neither would help at all with the DCs, chores or cooking.
Now the DCs are adults and while DS visits PILs a few times a year, neither DC sees much of my parents or ever visits them.
You reap what you sow, and building relationships takes time and care. I’m a bit sad that my parents missed out on the relationship with their GCs but they were just never interested.

I (64) had no hands on support from my parents or parents in law. They lived too far away. They did provide occasional support, for example my mother came to stay when my second daughter was born, but there was nothing more.

That was very similar to the help my parents (born in the 1920s) had from their parents (born in the 1890s). Both my parents had moved away from home too so had no family close by until my mother’s parents moved to the same town as us when I was 10.

My granny looked after me 2 days a week to allow my mum to go back to work p/t when I was younger. She also insisted on babysitting every Saturday so my parents could go out! Whether they wanted to or not! I loved my wee granny, and we had a great relationship.
Sadly my mum died while I was pg with my first, but my dad never forgot how much his MIL helped us. He was still working, but he paid towards nursery fees to allow me to go back to work. DH was in the forces, so away a lot. We moved next door to my dad, and when he retired I started my own business, full time, and we managed the childcare between us.
Likewise I would love to help my dc with any future gc, but I guess it depends where they choose to live

Opposite for us...both my mum and MIL were SAHMs during primary so didn't need any support. I was still close to grandparents.

Parents and in laws both did structured childcare for us in the early days. We don't need it now but they still do some ad hoc in the holidays. We used a nursery as well so had a good balance, I think.

My in laws absolutely live for family and have little life outside of it. They would have done childcare full time if we'd asked! My parents have much more of a life outside of us and would have drawn a line if we'd asked for too much. They also see their friends who feel they are doing too much but can't say no.

IRL most people I know have local family. And every grandparent I know does some form of childcare. It's only on Mumsnet that I see that they don't. I know it shouldn't be expected but it would really have impacted me emotionally if they hadn't offered. I can't imagine seeing DS struggling through the early years of parenting and not offering help...because I love him!

Pretty similar for me, as we lived similar distances away. We spent some time there over the summer holidays. We had occasional babysitting or they take the DC out for the day; with my grandparents I would have been taken local shopping, no lunches out or activities.

What was different before is that my mum would organise informal ad hoc, presumably unpaid childcare by her friends or with our friends. She would probably be called a CF these days.

My DM didn't work but still complained she had no help. My paternal DGM paid for me to go to kindergarten and both sets of DGPs would spent time with me, take me places and on holidays.

My DF was very invested in my DS and spent so much time with him partly so I could work and partly because they both loved it. They had a wonderful relationship.

My DM never once babysat or spent any time just her and my DS. If she visited she expected to be waited on. They had no relationship and he didn't know her.

Very different for me, but as I'm now a grandmother of three I'm probably not the demographic you are intending to ask.

I remember spending lot of time with my grandmother when I was a child. My mother didn't provide any day to day childcare - we didn't live in the same area, but she did sometimes have the children for a weekend stay.

My parents didn’t because we were a military family. My mum’s family would have helped if they could. Dad’ family probably wouldn’t as he was one of 5 and not one of the favourites (why he joined the military).

I've declined offers of childcare from my mum. She's desperate to have my DC, do overnights and take him away basically. I've had her stay over once so that DP and I could go out and she stayed awake all night "just in case". I might relax more when he's bigger and can talk and hold his own ground, so to speak. Her desperation to have him alone makes me feel uncomfortable and puts me off. I don't know if it's rational.

For context, my parents left me with my grandparents when I was 3 months old and my mum only saw me at the weekend. No idea about my dad. She finished uni and then got a job, he worked away too. I didn't live with her full time until I was 6/7 years old. I think this was really damaging to our bond, but she thinks it's normal for grandparents to basically take over like that.

We raised our child with little involvement from our parents. Our parents raised us with little involvement from their parents.

People act like something has changed, but that just isn’t my experience or the experience of anyone I know personally.

both generations were university educated. Both generations had children no earlier than age 25 and often later.

our parents don’t talk about their grandparents being very involved in their upbringing either.

It's the opposite for us-my parents had no support with childcare as their own parents were either unwell, busy with their own younger children or were no longer alive.

We had lots of support from my parents though as they retired in their 50s, were in good health and lived locally,

I had no help from family, my parents had no help from family, I look after my grandchildren.