Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

If you heard your friend talking about you...

46 replies

Moominstar · 26/04/2025 22:34

... to her boyfriend and commenting that I eat a lot... on two separate occasions what would you do? I think the inference is I eat a lot and am overweight.

For context I am.no larger than friend in fact would even say slightly slimmer and less curvy but i have a slightly chubby face.

I feel uncomfortable with my friend discussing me in that way to her boyfriend and last time I saw friend she did this a second time, almost negging me to her boyfriend.

When friend and I go out to eat we eat the same amount.

Wider context is I do care about friend but it's definitely a friendship where I put more in eg I have a car and friend lives about a 40 minute drive away. Friend never comes to me. We go out for dinner most times we meet up and friend has more of a complicated life so conversations revolve around her life a bit more than mine.

I'm fine with that but found the food comment quite disrespectful especially given I feel I've been a really good friend.

if you were me would you:

A) forget I'd heard the comment and carry on as usual meeting up every 3 weeks or so

B) distance myself

C) bring it up to friend and say it hurt my feelings

Am I being oversensitive, this has really pissed me.off!

Tia x

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominstar · 26/04/2025 22:38

Just not sure whether to let this go or.not but definitely feel offended x

I am.quite sensitive about weight comments as I've had a lot of them over the course of my life! Just never from a friend...

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominstar · 26/04/2025 22:43

Not sure whether to just accept we are all imperfect and say the wrong thing sometimes especially if we are showing off to a new ish boyfriend or whether I should say it hurt my feelings or realise she's not the friend I thought she was.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominstar · 26/04/2025 22:50

Bump

OP posts:
gavisconismyfriend · 26/04/2025 22:57

If I wanted to try and save the friendship, I’d wait til it happens again and then calmly challenge it “I find that quite hurtful, why would you say that?” If she apologises and doesn’t do it again then move forwards with the friendship. If she gaslights you or sticks to her guns, then distance yourself. On the other hand, if you don’t feel valued in the friendship in general, and are not fussed about continuing, just distance yourself. If she asks why you can choose whether or not you tell her.

Original poster
Moominstar · 26/04/2025 23:02

gavisconismyfriend · 26/04/2025 22:57

If I wanted to try and save the friendship, I’d wait til it happens again and then calmly challenge it “I find that quite hurtful, why would you say that?” If she apologises and doesn’t do it again then move forwards with the friendship. If she gaslights you or sticks to her guns, then distance yourself. On the other hand, if you don’t feel valued in the friendship in general, and are not fussed about continuing, just distance yourself. If she asks why you can choose whether or not you tell her.

Thank you that is good advice. My husband has suggested for a while that I give to the friendship more effort than my friend and for that reason I should take a step back from it and let her pick up the slack. I think that's probably what is actually going on but this comment has highlighted the issue for me if that makes sense. I would never comment on such a thing re eating or weight about anyone. Also it has put me off going out to eat with friend for obvious reasons!

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominstar · 26/04/2025 23:05

Also it just sort of makes me think that friend will say whatever she needs to say about me or anyone else to put herself in a better light with her boyfriend.

OP posts:
gavisconismyfriend · 26/04/2025 23:08

If her comments are all about making herself look good at your expense, I’d question if she is really a friend in the first place.

DinaofCloud9 · 26/04/2025 23:09

She sounds a shit mate. Most good friends compliment you.

Original poster
Moominstar · 26/04/2025 23:10

gavisconismyfriend · 26/04/2025 23:08

If her comments are all about making herself look good at your expense, I’d question if she is really a friend in the first place.

Yes thank you I think this is the crux of it. I was so offended she was talking- and slightly laughing? - about me like that!

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominstar · 26/04/2025 23:11

DinaofCloud9 · 26/04/2025 23:09

She sounds a shit mate. Most good friends compliment you.

That's how I am with her! It felt like a punch to be honest. I brushed it away the first time she said it months ago in case I'd misheard it. There was no mishearing this at the last catch up.

OP posts:
Lotsalotsagiggles · 26/04/2025 23:13

Id guess she feels insecure and wants compliments from her boyfriend so making comments to fuel her own low confidence

Could she be jealous of you?

HeyCooper · 26/04/2025 23:14

How did you overhear her? Personally I’d just point out that you over heard her and wait quietly for a response

Original poster
Moominstar · 26/04/2025 23:20

Lotsalotsagiggles · 26/04/2025 23:13

Id guess she feels insecure and wants compliments from her boyfriend so making comments to fuel her own low confidence

Could she be jealous of you?

I think she thinks she is superior to me but that could well be based on insecurity I suppose not sure. It just felt like she was negging me in front of me on the phone to her boyfriend at my expense. So strange. And the fact I've heard her do this twice makes me really annoyed.

OP posts:
Gotback · 26/04/2025 23:21

Option B.

Original poster
Moominstar · 26/04/2025 23:23

HeyCooper · 26/04/2025 23:14

How did you overhear her? Personally I’d just point out that you over heard her and wait quietly for a response

Would you do this via messaging? We don't tend to talk much on the phone between catch ups. I would like some sort of apology if we are going to continue to be friends or some acknowledgement it was a hurtful thing to say. I am quite tall five foot 9 ish and a size 16 sometimes size 14. So not skinny by any stretch of the word! If i had to guess i would say friend is a size 18 I would say but shorter than me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominstar · 26/04/2025 23:35

Gotback · 26/04/2025 23:21

Option B.

This is my instinct atm tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moominstar · 27/04/2025 06:37
OP posts:
PartlySun · 27/04/2025 07:00

Option B. Possibly attempt to re-adjust the balance in your friendship first e.g. it is her turn to come to you next time and when you do meet up pre-plan some possible conversation topics in an attempt to not end up talking about her complicated life so much. The most likely outcome is still that the friendship ends.

I'm in my fifties and my only regret about some friendships/acquaintanceships (!) is not doing this earlier.

notsureyetcertain · 27/04/2025 07:11

I wonder if she’s insecure and does it to show herself as better? I wouldn’t say anything retrospectively but I’d be prepared and next time it happens I’d call her out-
”why did you say that it comes across as mean?”
”what do you mean we are the same,are you concerned about your portion sizes?”

Then have a chat about why she feels the need to behave this way infront of her bf.

arcticpandas · 27/04/2025 07:17

I'm sorry OP but she isn't a friend: you do all the effort in seeing her and she likes to put you down and shame you for eating.
When it comes to friendships and relationships in general you have to ask yourself: "Do I feel good about myself when I spend time with this person?" The answer here seems to be no. Personally I would have called her out on it immediately. "Why do you think it's OK to comment on my eating habits?". But at this stage I wouldn't even bother. She's not a friend so just cut her out of your life.

Original poster
Moominstar · 27/04/2025 07:21

PartlySun · 27/04/2025 07:00

Option B. Possibly attempt to re-adjust the balance in your friendship first e.g. it is her turn to come to you next time and when you do meet up pre-plan some possible conversation topics in an attempt to not end up talking about her complicated life so much. The most likely outcome is still that the friendship ends.

I'm in my fifties and my only regret about some friendships/acquaintanceships (!) is not doing this earlier.

Edited

Thank you yes this is an option. Because my friend was going through a divorce and is now seeing someone new the conversations have largely been more about her for a long time. To get to me.friend would need to take a taxi for a 40.minute journey or would need to take a couple of trains. So I.can sort of see how things have developed the way they have but hearing friend make those comments was sort of a wake up call.to say do I still want a friendship like this where I'm giving a lot and she is litching about me to her boyfriend! The answer is of.course no I don't. I haven't been in touch with friend for 3 weeks or so since the last meeting and she has been messaging this weekend suggesting making dinner for us soon and offering dates. I've said I'll come.back to you but I think I'm ready for new friendships now tbh.

OP posts:
CinnamonBuns67 · 27/04/2025 07:22

C followed by B. That is not a friend OP, if I caught any of my mates speaking negatively behind my back they'd no longer be a mate.

Original poster
Moominstar · 27/04/2025 07:23

arcticpandas · 27/04/2025 07:17

I'm sorry OP but she isn't a friend: you do all the effort in seeing her and she likes to put you down and shame you for eating.
When it comes to friendships and relationships in general you have to ask yourself: "Do I feel good about myself when I spend time with this person?" The answer here seems to be no. Personally I would have called her out on it immediately. "Why do you think it's OK to comment on my eating habits?". But at this stage I wouldn't even bother. She's not a friend so just cut her out of your life.

Yes my instinct is to let it drift I think after putting up this thread and chewing on it. It just felt very disrespectful of her to say that to her boyfriend and felt very personal and mean. X

OP posts:
RockyRogue1001 · 27/04/2025 07:34

"....and she has been messaging this weekend suggesting making dinner for us soon and offering dates. I've said I'll come.back to you"

I think if this were me, @Moominstar I'd go back to her last message and reply "I'd rather not be having a meal with you after your last comment. Shall we do xxx instead?"
xxx = her travelling to you/you both travelling.

This would mean you've addressed her comment and done a bit of a reset on what you normally do. Then it's up to her as to whether she apologises and agrees to doing things differently or not. And I'd take my cue from that.

PartlySun · 27/04/2025 07:47

Yes, I can see how it would be more difficult to adjust it under those circumstances. I guess, rather than her coming to you, meeting somewhere so she has to make at least some effort would be a step.

It could certainly be an easy way to delay meeting up if pressed - suggest doing something other than meals out (for more than one reason) - don't actually need to have a specific suggestion...just not another meal out and a different location.

Just read Rocky's comment - that's better. Suggesting something other than a meal and also letting her know her comment was noted.

Swipe left for the next trending thread