If you heard your friend talking about you...

[Moominstar]

... to her boyfriend and commenting that I eat a lot... on two separate occasions what would you do? I think the inference is I eat a lot and am overweight.

For context I am.no larger than friend in fact would even say slightly slimmer and less curvy but i have a slightly chubby face.

I feel uncomfortable with my friend discussing me in that way to her boyfriend and last time I saw friend she did this a second time, almost negging me to her boyfriend.

When friend and I go out to eat we eat the same amount.

Wider context is I do care about friend but it's definitely a friendship where I put more in eg I have a car and friend lives about a 40 minute drive away. Friend never comes to me. We go out for dinner most times we meet up and friend has more of a complicated life so conversations revolve around her life a bit more than mine.

I'm fine with that but found the food comment quite disrespectful especially given I feel I've been a really good friend.

if you were me would you:

A) forget I'd heard the comment and carry on as usual meeting up every 3 weeks or so

B) distance myself

C) bring it up to friend and say it hurt my feelings

Am I being oversensitive, this has really pissed me.off!

Tia x

Thanks everyone I have just messaged friend to say that the comments she made were hurtful and I'd rather not eat together for a while and she can come to see me for a walk sometime. Needed to do that if we are going to move on from this. Thanks for all of your advice xx

Well done OP, I hope she apologises !

Perfect 💐

Just to offer another point of view, which does not invalidate your approach but might make you feel less hurt: Is it possible she might feel jealous of the fact that despite eating "a lot" (as in more than her) you are still in "good" shape (as in better than her)?
I've sometimes found myself making comments like that when as I teenager I saw peers shoving down all sorts and looking so thin compared to my chubby self. Childish, but not meant as an offence for sure.
Still I think you're doing well in looking to make your feeling clear and rebalancing this friendship!

Option B.

to say something like that once is kind of forgivable but not twice.

I don’t think she is as good a friend to you as you are to her.

The problem with overhearing conversations between spouses is it’s generally not a bitch conversation, as in she’s not slagging you off to friends, but a fact based conversation. I talk to my dh all the time and have conversations with him that I’d never have with friends. It might be about someone’s appearance or behaviour. I had a conversation about our next door neighbour yesterday, after I commented on the fact he’d lots a lot of weight after an operation, you’d think he’d have put it on being inactive after the operation etc. I wasn’t being bitchy , just factual. Maybe your df is doing the same with her dh.

As a pp said, maybe next time she mentions it just tell her how hurtful it is that she’d constantly commenting on how much she eats and that you’re happy with your weight and they way you look.

Thanks for your messages. I think given the imbalance of effort in the friendship generally the comments were actually really rude. Also I don't eat any more than my friend? So I think it was some sort of stealthy comment meant to make herself to look better to her new boyfriend than me. That is the part I have been struggling with tbh. I think friend thinks she is very attractive and I'm an overeater?

Anyway I have sent the message because I couldn't get past that and continue to make all the effort with the friendship. If anything the comment has made me realise just how imbalanced the friendship is and that it is not working for me.

I can't see why your friend saying you eat a lot is such a problem, or why you feel judged/hurt by this. We all have to eat to stay alive! Do you have some sort of idea that women should pick at their food like tiny birds? Let it of.

It was said in a negative way "tell your friend tonight not to eat too much!" it was a neg for sure. Friend was laughing about it with him. It was a bitchy thing to say.

B. Distance yourself and find a new friend

She sounds very much like a friend of mine and I've distanced myself too. She is an unhappy person and has had a tough time but in all honesty I was fed up of her dominating the conversation every time we went out for dinner for years and years. I'd had my own share of tough times as well but I felt I didn't get the same listening ear I'd given her all those times.

The final straw was when she made a critical comment about my DD and after that I stepped right back. Your friend doesn't really sound like a friend to be honest OP!

Sorry you have been through this too. Did you say anything or did you just back off? Hope you have made some better friends xx

I am a complete wuss and I didn't say anything. Don't necessarily take my advice but I couldn't face having a disagreement with her so I just quietly distanced. Not the grown up option but it felt the best for me.

Friend has just replied to my message to say that her boyfriend was saying the comment to her, that she shouldn't eat too much, that he always says it. So basically deflecting. Also friend asked why I didn't say something at the time. I can't be bothered to reply tbk, I know what I heard. And at the time I didn't say anything because I was in a sort of shock (even though the comment had been made once before).

No apology, then?

⬆️⬆️⬆️ And I'd be tempted to send that

No apology and in fact denial of friend having any part of it. Also blaming me for not mentioning it at the time!

I'd just go silent now.

Your silence will speak volumes

Just give her space now

Better light ? Eating less? How is this a win?

you eat more and are slimmer. You’re winning!!

if she says it again perhaps menation that this is not the first time she’s said that and ask if she upset that you are slimmer than her?

Thanks lols I take your point. I don't actually eat more than her!! But in her head she thinks this. I've actually remembered a third time she has said something similar about me. The thing is when we go out for dinner I eat more than I usually would at home (doesn't everyone do this?!) so maybe it looks as though I eat more with her than I otherwise do. Anyway, I've had some replies back this afternoon, she is blaming all the comments on her boyfriend and he meant them about her not eating too much, not me. I have said I forgive her and that's fine just to bring an end to it. I've also said it would be good if she could come over to see me sometimes and the conversation has dried up so she can make some effort to see me if she wants to continue the friendship. I think I'm just going to leave it all there with her for now.

Thanks for confirming I wasn't going mad MN'ers and that others of you would also have been offended. I know it was sharky / bitchy behaviour on her end and I don't really feel the same about the friendship anymore. There have been some other things I haven't bothered mentioning on here, just that she always wants me to order at the bar for her (with her credit card) when it's her round.... I go and see her and pick her up to take her out... she asks me to do bits and pieces for her when I do see her like research bits online... basically it hasn't felt like a very even friendship for a while. So the comments about me eating 'a lot' are part of a pattern of behaviour where she looks down on me a bit I feel, or that she sees me as the junior partner of the friendship perhaps. Friend is in utter shock I can tell that I have brought it up today. Anyway, suffice to say I am taking a break from it.

Thanks again for all your comments much appreciated, MN is so good for these kinds of questions you have in your mind x