Do I home school my unhappy Yr6 DD for the remainder of the school year?

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I've just had yet another tearful conversation with my 11 year old DD. She hates school.

I took her older sister out of Yr6 last year as she was being badly bullied and the school were useless. It was the right decision as she got her confidence back and is now thriving at secondary school.

Younger DD is desperate for me to do the same for her. But it's not a bullying issue. I think she's simply outgrown the environment (single form entry/small school). She dislikes her teacher and seems to be getting bored as she's keen to learn and doesn't seem to be being challenged (it's all SATS prep and then a 'summer production' at the end of Yr6 it seems). I realise it's a tough year generally, with upcoming changes, hormones kicking in etc.

I'm worried if I remove her she'll be disadvantaged socially as she's a shy and quiet child, but current interactions with her peers have been proving stressful (meanness and lots of drama which she hates). It's so hard seeing her unhappy.

Has anyone taken their child out of school for similar reasons and not regretted it?

I wouldn’t take her out at this point, she’ll miss the Y6 fun stuff and the increased independence that most schools foster around this time.
She could use it as a time to start advocating for herself, to further her reading , maybe initiate things if the school would work with her, eg running lunchtime games for younger children.
If she doesn’t want to be on stage, she could ask now ( before jobs are being allocated) to be stage or props manager, or responsible for light or sound. She could assist with wardrobe, there’s all sorts of things she could get involved with which would boost her confidence.
If she has jobs to be getting on with, she needn’t get involved with the petty dramas.
Unless she’s actually being bullied, it’s all part of life’s tapestry, and learning to deal with it will help her develop self reliance.
It might be worth speaking to the Head to see what they can suggest and how they can support her. If her academic results are good, they won’t want to lose her before SATs.

Sorry how is it not a bullying issue?
current interactions with her peers have been proving stressful (meanness and lots of drama which she hates)

The above sounds like bullying to me. The teacher may also be minimising it and/or egging it on as you said she also dislikes the teacher.

Given what you said is left for the year- SATS prep and silly stuff, I’d take her out.

Next year it will be new school, new kids anyway.

I completely understand why you withdrew DD1. I do think it’s created a sort of backdrop where removal from school is seen as an alternative to attending. That’s not to say it was the wrong thing to do but I do think DD2 needs to see school as a non negotiable (which I always think is harsh and unhelpful, I don’t mean it too. Rather, I mean school is a must but that doesn’t mean she has to put up with bullying or unkindness.)

I do think in life we hit rubbish times and sometimes gritting your teeth and getting through is not only acceptable, it’s best.

This is a shy, quiet child everything you suggested will not be fun for her and will only add to her stress. Maybe she is advocating for herself with her mum? It takes a lot of confidence to express discomfort and ask to be homeschooled.

I think having done that for her sister, you're at risk of her feeling you would help her sister but not her.

No. Kids need to learn they can’t quit.

What does she think she will be doing each day if you remove her from school? It sort of sounds like she wants to stay at home because then she doesn't have to do much and it wasn't fair that her sister got to stay at home which is a very different situation to her sibling who was being bullied and wanted to be at school but couldn't.

Against the grain here, but why wouldn't you home ed her? If she's unhappy, bored and having negative interactions with her peers, it doesn't sound like she'll be getting much from school, whereas if all she gets from staying home is knowing you unequivocally have her back and will support her as much as you did her sister, it sounds like it would be more beneficial to her.

If you're worried about the social side, there will be home ed groups near you or after school extra curriculars she could join.

Disclaimer - I think school is generally a bit pointless and shit for most kids.

No, I wouldn’t take her out. I think what you’re describing is very common for this point in Y6. Not all drama and meanness is bullying. Sometimes kids don’t get alone and they tussle a bit, especially at this stage. I’d give her things outside school to look forward to and other outlets.

Speaking as a school refuser myself, I didn’t benefit really from my mum letting me not go to school when I didn’t want to. Looking back now, I wish I’d had support outside of school to stay in it. Instead everyone looked for the easy option, which was just to take me out. The better option would have been to have more support and adults helping me build resilience and have outlets to express the stuff I was going through. I missed out on a lot, even if it was only 3 months here and 6 months there.

I think you’d be creating a monster for high school. Bailing now will make her even less resilient and risk school refusing when she’d be out of the social loop and stressed in year 7.

My son was utterly bored to tears in Year 6. From September until May, it was solely revision for SATS. After SATS it was the residential trip and then practicing for an end of year performance. However, I didn't consider taking him out of school, no matter how much he may have been bored, and disliked it. I work in a First School, so children from Foundation to Year 4 - around this time, the Year 4's start getting tetchy with each other, the girls especially fall out with each other, the boys can get a bit too big for their boots - essentially they've outgrown the school, nerves are kicking in regarding transition days happening in July and the general change ahead of moving schools. It may be that your daughter on top of being bored, outgrowing the school, is beginning to feel nervous regarding the changes ahead? Personally I wouldn't be removing your daughter now, she has approximately 12 weeks to go, until the end of term. She may be bored etc, but that's life, sometimes you have to do what you don't like or enjoy! My son started Year 7 at secondary school, and it was like a breath of fresh air, he loved it and thrived, and now is in Year 9, and is continuing to do so.

Or maybe they need to learn that sometimes it is good to quit a toxic miserable job/relationship/situation and try something new on the other side.

Take her out or spend the next few years trying to work through the depression and anxiety

This in spades!

Schools put so much pressure on pupils to do well in SATS when, in reality, they have no real purpose for the pupils. Instead, the final results are an opportunity for the school to say, "Look at how well we did!" The fact that this is in the wake of a lot of stressed, crying children is apparently irrelevant...

If you were unhappy, would you like to be forced to stay in that environment, or would you leave?

You're right I think. Thank you. Her sister was bullied mercilessly last year, and whilst this doesn't compare in severity, it's definitely behaviour that's against school policy and seems to go unchallenged. I have no faith in the school being able to change things.

This does worry me 😬

No. You need to speak to the school, say that the level of unkindness is bullying and ask what they are going to do to safeguard your daughter. Take a copy of the school’s anti bullying policy. anfter a day or two if nothing improves tell them you will escalate to governors and / or ofsted. Advocate for your daughter and let her see you being tough, home Ed is the easy short term option, but getting it sorted is better.
Being bored and having outgrown primary is a good thing imo - that’s how we want them to be when they leave - ready to go and move on!!

And yes, of course she now sees school as optional and would rather stay at home - that doesn’t mean it is the in her best interest to do so!

It’s hard because once you step out of mainstream education you do get a very different view of how broken it’s fast becoming. We were forced into home Ed in Year8 as our DD 12 just could not cope at all in secondary after barely coping in the last couple of years of primary. Our elder DD stayed in school & came out with 10 GCSEs & is now at college. Every child has different needs but we have a square box education system that’s crumbling and destroying the kids that don’t fit. If you can facilitate HE it can be brilliant but also hard work. DD2 is now thriving with academics and her own online business.

I'm not sure about forcing her I think it's good to show sometimes we are in charge of our own destiny and we can change things

I am worried about the impact on her mental health. She's not really enjoyed school since Yr4 and it's only getting worse. She does dance and performing arts classes out of school, where she's a happy, bubbly child, and that just gets knocked out of her after a day a school.

I 100% would if you can.

My DC returned to yr 6 after covid and hated it. They were so miserable and begged to be home schooled. Due to work I couldn't do it and honestly 5 years later I still wish I had, they had a horrible year and it was bleak for all of us.

She's not generally a quitter. She does physically and mentally challenging classes/hobbies and works hard at improving her skills. She's actually surprisingly competitive. She is in a far more supportive environment for these though.

My dd is yr5 and its definitely been ups and downs friendship wise since yr 4 and I suspect will continue next year.

But I do think going through friendship upsets in a primary environment helps them cope in secondary. We've worked a lot with dd at home so she now recognises what a good friend is (and how to be one in return) and what toxic faux friendship looks like. It's all learning.

Obviously if it's serious bullying that's another matter but low level friendship discomfort I think is all part of life.

If she's bored there's nothing stopping you doing more at evenings and weekends. Sign up to some online courses or extra curricular clubs. This would also help her build friendships with others outside of school.

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences and opinions.

It shows just how devisive of opinions this issue is, and makes me feel better about having such a hard time trying to work out what to do for the best!