12yr old arrested

[WineandMe]

Good evening.
Sorry for rambling if I do.
So, my son is 12, he is Autistic, ADHD with ODD and sensory.
He attends a SEN school which specialises in SEMH run by the LA
It's not the best high school but due to LA funding , it's all he can get into.

He is under CAMHs and a referral has been sent into Forensic CAMHs, which is still under review.

Today I was called at 1.20 to come to school to collect DS, no details were known, just that the head had asked reception to call me to collect DS.

I turned up, 3 police cars were in the car park, head, class teacher and other members of staff were around the car park area. 3 students including my DS were on the school roof.

Ive had issues with DS, which has now seen me have to hide all knives in the safe at home which school are aware of, especially in the last 2 weeks.

School told me that DS had been on the roof for 2 hours, before calling me.

Once he was down he was arrested for criminal damage and brandishing a knife at home.
The police said that the custody sergent would refuse him into custody but the shock factor of arresting him may shock him into maybe changing his ways.
Im hopeful that this is the case. He is getting a referral for the youth offending team to work with him regarding his behaviour in public and knife crime.

We have Early help hub working with us. But what I want to know is, will SS be called? Im not bothered if they are, as I think it could be extra help with DS and support for me. But it wasn't a question I asked and I wished I had have asked.

TIA

Thank you for your kind words x

Hes a fool. Ive told him time and time again I won't be stopping his medication. He refuses to give it him on a weekend and drs are aware of this so said to not give it on a weekend so I don't give dad to give it to DS as if he did give him it on a Sunday it was around 4pm so by 3am he was still wired and wide awake.

Is the visitation court ordered or an informal agreement between the two of you?

If informal, you need to stop it immediately. You'll lose your weekend respite, but your son can't go without his medication.

If informal, you need to go back to court and get an order in place stating that your incredibly stupid ex has to give the prescribed medication as directed by DS's doctor.
Either that or ex has to see DS only at a contact centre for certain hours that do not include the time the meds are administered

A contact centre might be the way to go as you have no idea what inappropriate / violent material DS is being exposed to while under the 'care' of his father.

Do not delay if you need to go to court. Get a solicitor who is aggressive and won't take no for an answer

So sorry you're dealing with a shitty man here. Even though you have so much on your plate just getting through the days, you need to take action over this 'man' and his attitude.

Look into Sarah Templeton - she works with boys with ADHD in the prison system and she is trying to raise awareness around how ADHD and other conditions can contribute towards these behaviours and what that means for managing the behaviours. Often taking the punitive route doesn't work because they are simply not thinking about the consequences when they act, you have to handle it in other ways.

There’s been a lot of warnings about Roblox being open to exploitation, kids being drawn into games that expose them to harmful content etc. My stepson is in his late teens and says it’s the worst of all online games for kids.

Just wanted to wish you well - it’s so exhausting (AuADHD DS2 is only 7 but i get a fair bit of violence and destruction). You sound like a lovely mum and you’ve had some good advice here.

The school have massively let you and your son down here and you need to call an emergency meeting to find out just how they have allowed multiple pupils escape their care and onto a roof.

I've no advice re: behaviour. It's my worst fear because I can easily see my son being in that position in the future through naivety and impulsivity even though he is a good kid. I can only imagine the absolute shocker of a day you've had.

The school being a SEN provision should be aware of the fact their pupils will have heightened impulsivity, and you need to clarify whether he has a 121 at breaktimes as well as class times because if his 121 is only in lesson times he needs his EHCP plan modifying because he very clearly needs supervision at all times.

He is struggling to deal with expectations placed on him whilst going through puberty.

I wish there was a way to take kids out of school and place them back in once they get a handle on the changes they're going through due to puberty.

We have a lot to learn in managing kids with neurodiversity esp ASD.

My son was into owning stuff like knives (not sharp ones) and he didn't brandish them until he hit 16yo. He then sorted his head out and is now we'll adjusted and generally a pleasure to be around.

I do hope you can help your son. He is a normal kid with ASD and our rules do not bode well for him right now.

He doesn't need more restrictions and structure he needs different structure. Understand why he did what he did, which might have been a leave me alone response because he was overwhelmed, and you will find a solution.

Best of luck.

Very sorry to hear you’re going through this.

Id read the riot act to the school and check whether and how they are delivering section F of his EHCP - what exactly do they and you understand by his supposed to be having 1-1 for example.

Additionally I’d push very hard for a review and within that, a social care assessment for your son and a separate carer’s assessment for you. We found the youth prescribing team to be really helpful for example and there were loads of resources and SBLO was also useful.

And I’d ABSOLUTELY IGNORE the poster who said to stop him going to his dad’s because he won’t medicate him. What utter fucking nonsense.
Firstly that will just disrupt him further and make him even more disregulated.
secondly the drugs for ADHD are almost all fast acting so it isn’t actually the end of the world if the days he’s with his dad are unmedicated,
And thirdly and most importantly, you need a break! It’s only when you’ve lived this that you realise the strain, so adding to your load plus the suggestion of legal action against his dad, is one of the most unhelpful things I’ve read on here in a long time.

@Anothercoat
That poster was me, and I stand over every word.

The child is about as dysregulated as he could be - the OP has hidden the knives in her home, after all, and he was arrested for hooligan behaviour today. Yet you think the attitude and parenting approach of a man who doesn't believe in his diagnosis or medication (and presumably disapproves of his attendance at a non mainstream school) might be having some positive effect on him? Or would at least be responsible for not letting things get worse?

I suggest his exposure to a man who is doing the opposite of what his mother is doing is causing the child immense inner conflict.

@Anothercoat
That poster was me, and I stand over every word.

The child is about as dysregulated as he could be - the OP has hidden the knives in her home, after all, and he was arrested for hooligan behaviour today. Yet you think the attitude and parenting approach of a man who doesn't believe in his diagnosis or medication (and presumably disapproves of his attendance at a non mainstream school) might be having some positive effect on him? Or would at least be responsible for not letting things get worse?

I suggest his exposure to a man who is doing the opposite of what his mother is doing is causing the child immense inner conflict.

@Anothercoat
That poster was me, and I stand over every word.

The child is about as dysregulated as he could be - the OP has hidden the knives in her home, after all, and he was arrested for hooligan behaviour today. Yet you think the attitude and parenting approach of a man who doesn't believe in his diagnosis or medication (and presumably disapproves of his attendance at a non mainstream school) might be having some positive effect on him? Or would at least be responsible for not letting things get worse?

I suggest his exposure to a man who is doing the opposite of what his mother is doing is causing the child immense inner conflict.

@Anothercoat
That poster was me, and I stand over every word.

The child is about as dysregulated as he could be - the OP has hidden the knives in her home, after all, and he was arrested for hooligan behaviour today. Yet you think the attitude and parenting approach of a man who doesn't believe in his diagnosis or medication (and presumably disapproves of his attendance at a non mainstream school) might be having some positive effect on him? Or would at least be responsible for not letting things get worse?

I suggest his exposure to a man who is doing the opposite of what his mother is doing is causing the child immense inner conflict.

If his dad is not giving him his medication you need to contact social services or look at legal proceedings withdrawing contact. Maybe you need to meet him each morning he’s at his dad’s and administer meds yourself in the meantime. I’m ADHD and medicated and two days without my meds would seriously mess me up for a good week. He can not withhold prescribed, necessary medication. You need to make sure your son gets his treatment - you can not allow this to continue.

These things can escalate really badly. I wonder if he enjoys the attention/fear reactions he gets for his knife antics.
Is he using the ring doorbell to check if he looks scary with his knife.
I'd be locking my door at night.
Does he have discord? Free access to gaming for long periods? There are more grown up violent games on roblox.

I’m medicated for ADHD and you really have to take them every day, once you find the right dose they really do help. I’m disgusted his father doesn’t agree with medicating him, you really have to speak up on this because this could be a factor in his impulsive behaviour. I also tried more than one type of medication, it’s not a one size fits all thing and people respond differently to certain meds so it might be worth pursuing with his doctor but 6 months is classed as early days regarding meds. It’s hard to explain if you don’t have ADHD but he sounds like he’s looking for the dopamine rush through playing up, very common and totally not your fault OP. You can also phone SS off your own back if you think it would help, he really needs to be consistent with his meds and they might be able to help you get this through to his idiot father.

With stimulants missing a day will not have a long term effect but I bet dad isn't introducing structure or boundaries either.
If you add a non stimulant this MUST be taken every day.

I've no expertise to add but it sounds that you are dealing with this hugely difficult situation in a calm and measured way. Nobody expects this when they decide to have a baby!

I'm sorry your ex is being such an arsehole about his meds - could a professional have a word with him? I don't think stopping contact is a good idea because quite apart from anything else, you need a break. Will this latest incident help him see sense?

I wish you and your family well x

Thanks for all.your kind words.
Ive towed and frowed about stopping him going on a weekend but in a selfish way I need a break from him. My son or not. Hes full on. Hes 12, he's same height as me now im only 4ft 11. I need that break.
Im taking him to his dad's today until Sunday as this week he has really drained me and I know its not about me. But I need to be in full mode to be mum to DS.

No SS involvement, we have Early help and camhs. We're also doing family therapy but DS does not engage with anyone of these so its hard for both these agencies and myself. They're not giving up on him though and neither am I.

With response to boundaries at dad's....no, no boundaries are in place at dad's on a weekend, no demands to get dressed, go to school etc etc so DS likes weekend at dad's.

@WineandMe when were his meds last reviewed? What positive behaviour has come from being on meds? Sometimes adhd medication can unmask the autistic characteristics more so I do think you need a review to see if this aspect is optimal for him.. non stimulatant meds are often better than stimulants for combined AuDhD. P.s. The safety of Roblox is also not always guaranteed and I would be curious if he is accessing any other inappropriate online content at his dads.

His last review was October. He is at community paediatrics on 8th may for review for his autism. But his meds are for adhd so don't know if they would speak about them.

Have a look at ADHD Dude, please. Emotions training, social skills training, family therapy - all very unlikely to help at his age with ADHD.

He won't engage with family therapy or anyone from camhs. Which is a shame.

I think it's more accurate to say "can't". We've decided we will refuse all similar offers of therapy as there is no point.

Yeah that's what I meant. He cant. He just hates having to talk to people about how he feels etc.