How can I stop myself crying so easily?

[cordialzempy]

I had to have a phone conversation this morning with my son's sports coach to discuss him not being chosen for the more elite coaching group this summer. I knew exactly what i wanted to say - how I feel he's being taken advantage of, that his commitment and dedication are being overlooked, that he feels humiliated - and I'd written it all down, but I couldn't really say it all as I wanted to as my voice kept cracking and I was clearly and audibly close to bursting into tears. I don't feel upset, I feel angry, and crying during this conversation was completely inappropriate.

I know I'm a very emotional person, it's who I am and on the whole I like it as a trait, but I cry so easily and I feel like it stops me being able to stand up for and support myself and my kids in the way that we deserve.

My other son is going to be in a play in a couple of months. It's about WW1, it's very sad and he plays a part where awful things happen to his character. I keep crying while running lines with him, I well up just thinking about the storyline, and I am dreading the actually performances. I know I'll be in floods of tears, he's expecting me to be so and it will be distracting for him. It's not about me! It's his thing and I need to be strong and support him and I feel like I'm letting him down.

And here I am crying just writing this post. What the fuck is wrong with me?! How can I fix this?! It's not a hormonal thing, I've always been like this. I can't stick up for myself in any sort of work confrontation or friendship issue as I just cry, and now I can't support my children properly either,

Anyone had this? Solved it? Breathing exercises, mantras, medication, stern talking to? I'll try anything.

And here I am crying just writing this post. What the fuck is wrong with me?!

I am sorry OP but this made me laugh 😂

I am not sure I can help to be honest but I would suggest you need to work around it rather than expect to change it drastically (in the short term). Can you advocate for your kids effectively on email rather than over the phone?

Laugh or you'd cry right?!

Yes, email much better, and you may be right, for now perhaps I should just avoid those types of conversations. Though it won't help me with the play. Currently thinking I might have to secretly wear AirPods and listen to something different while it's on 😬

Sympathies OP- I’m a bit like this so don’t have particular advice except practising etc. it is really tough to deal with - though perhaps console yourself that it’s probably less unpleasant to burst into tears than being outwardly angry with people? And try not to beat yourself up.

on the play , has your son actually said he’ll be distracted? You could just be breezy and lighthearted about it, remind him in advance to expect it, abe even tell him not to look at you if it helps!

I was always a bit like this, and I agree it’s not a bad thing to be a sensitive and emotional person but it can get in the way a bit! I wonder if it’s some kind of fight or flight response and whether some nervous system regulation type stuff might help, or even CBT about why this response comes up (I could be talking out my ass though!).

I’ve found I’ve hardened up as I’ve gotten older but mostly due to my mum being ill - it’s not necessarily a good thing as I think I’ve shut down some of my feelings and I’ll need to address that at some point.

I’ve always been this way. Anger makes me cry and shows me right up. Stick to emails!

My sister is exactly like you. I remember at Christmas she came with me
to the kids carol service. She started crying the minute the kids walked on stage! She has no kids of her own or god only knows what she would have been like. She is on HRT now and couldn’t cry if she wanted to! Weird.

I am exactly the same, never more than one thought away from tears. Spent many years thinking of it as a chronic cryer but having researched ADHD/autism for the DC I strongly suspect it’s emotional deregulation.

I mean, if you actually want to stop crying you could take anti-depressants. That seems a bit extreme though as you don’t sound depressed.

Rehearse any difficult conversations lots of times so when you have them for real the emotional won’t be so strong.

I am a crier. In relationships with people who know me quite well, I just tell them outright - I will probably cry, please don't think it's because I'm horrifically upset, I just seem to cry easily, it's not something you've said or done so just pretend I'm not crying. It sort of works. DH says he feels bad anyway but it works in the sense that he understands I'm not turning on waterworks on purpose to make him feel bad (which is what my exes used to accuse me of doing!)

In other scenarios I have a sort of mantra - I can't say exactly what it is because it's weirdly specific and involves a real person's name but basically - it's a situation where I was supporting someone going through something horrific and I absolutely could not make it about me so I HAD to suppress the urge to cry.

Let's just say the person's name was Jason, and they were upset because of a cat, I think "Jason's cat" - and it somehow brings back that resolve and it stops any tears in their tracks. It also helps me to keep whatever is going on in perspective because 99% of the time it isn't as bad as what happened to "Jason".

I have this. Sucking on a polo really helps. No idea why !

I was like this even before I suffered from anxiety, literally since I was a child then I started sertraline for anxiety and it has stopped the constant crying too. I used to cry at anything and most days often more than once but not I rarely cry.

Seems like a weird thing to do but before you have to have a difficult conversation which you know you'll cry in, do some rigorous exercise if possible.

Go for a run, gym, HIIT, anything that gets you tired and feeling like you've really worked out.

The exercise releases pent up energy and anxiety, get the blood pumping, releases endorphins and relaxes the body. It dials down the noise on the 'fight or flight' reflex.

Always worked for me.

I'm like this too. I cry everywhere. I used to think it was terrible and a sign I was mad but it's just part of how I respond to emotions. In fact it's healthy for me as it lets my feelings out and I feel better afterwards. For me it helped to see that my youngest DD is the same as me, whereas DH and older DD clamp down and go totally blank and withdrawn when they're emotional. My DM cries at the drop of a hat like me too. So it seems to be different genetic coping patterns. I can't remember watching a single Disney movie as a child without DM sobbing next to me. I don't think it's a bad thing. In some ways is it that crying is seen as "too feminine", "hysterical", "losing control" so culturally it's seen of as worse than shutting down and keeping it in. Emotions are like the weather for me. It never lasts. I do find the Calm app helpful, listening to the meditations lets me cry in a private space, then I feel less full of emotions when I'm in public.

I'm like this, and it's incredibly frustrating. Like you, I cry when I'm angry and I find it infuriating if people then assume that I'm upset. I can see why they might think that, though.

I have tried all manner of strategies to try and get on top of it, but I haven't really found anything that works. It's so humiliating at times.

In my case, it is definitely linked to adhd and the emotional dysregulation that is so often a part of that. Any other signs of neurodivergence in your make-up?

Also like this, much more so after having kids. Interesting about the emotional dysregulation. I like the exercise idea!

Sensory stimulation, brings you back into your physical body rather than the emotional bit of your brain.

Try to do some maths when you get upset. Apparently it engages the non-emotional part of the brain. You could try this alone while reading a book or watching a movie. If you notice yourself getting upset just do a simple mental equation.

i too am a cryer. It sucks. I hate it. Cry when I am angry or frustrated.

Someone will come with better advice, but apparently if you drink water you physically can't cry. You could try that

This is all really interesting. Yes I have ADHD, I hadn't made the link that it was part of that, with emotional deregulation, makes complete sense. Wish I'd had it diagnosed 40 years ago, maybe I'd have learnt better coping mechanisms then.

@madgreenlemons good question, no he has specifically said that he doesn't mind if I cry, he's expecting it and it's fine. I'm worried that I will completely lose control and audibly sob, which is possible and would absolutely not be ok!

@aramox1 yes, so much worse since having kids. Anything to do with parenting, families, any sort of loss of parents or children, I'm beside myself.

@BertieBotts this is interesting. I feel like sometimes my tears at someone else's problems take away from them a bit, like it's not my problem to need to be comforted, and it's selfish for me to cry when I should be being strong and helpful. I might try to see if some sort of mantra like this will help me separate and pull myself together perhaps.

Ok things to try:

Sucking on a polo or sweet - very achievable in a theatre, would be fantastic if this helps, thank you @StillProcrastinating

Drinking water - again def can do this during the play @Tbrh, would love this to work!

Maths - interesting! @Notmyrealname22 I had been considering wearing AirPods secretly and just listening to a podcast, this is a much better option, I'll practice doing this, I'm v keen on maths so this could work.

Exercise - I've never really had that joy from exercise that other people get @LadyMargaretPoledancer but I can definitely give it a go, and wearing myself out is something I don't do enough, so it's on the list!

Sorry to hear from all you others who are like this, though there is comfort in numbers. Yeah, my mum is like this too, and my kids do cry a lot at tv/films, but none of them are as bad as me! I know I should embrace it to some extent, but it's just so infuriating.

I do have some beta blockers (propanol) left over from when I had a period of anxiety, maybe it's not the worst idea for me to take them for a couple of days pre big event @mummysmagicmedicine and @TheRozzers . I used to take one before I had to do big presentations at work, to take the edge off my terrible nerves. I guess this is similar.

Hmm I wish HRT was working like that for me!!! If anything I think I'm worse!

Yes I'd much rather be emotional, let it all out and treat it as catharsis, than not show anything. To an extent it's definitely the preferable way to be

I'm so sorry that your mum is ill. Long term I think CBT could be the answer, there must be techniques and ways of addressing this that will put it all a bit more in order, whether with being over emotional or not enough

I have no answers op. DD has ADHD and can be emotional but regulates her emotions far better than previously at 26, she's had to, she has a professional job.

Regarding the sports selection, I would question if you are over involved. Young people cannot expect commitment to and hard work to trump talent. Can you not be pragmatic about this and help your ds to be realistic rather than encouraging his own emotional roller coasters and his perceived humiliation?

I also wonder if you have ever had the edges rubbed off by anything dreadful. I used to have a cry sometimes before my mid to late 30s. Then DS2 died shortly after being born due to a heart malformation incompatible with life. We knew about it from 20 weeks. I can count the number of times I have cried on one hand since. Not even when my father died.

I am also on propranolol which I find great for specific anxiety inducing events. Sertraline however is a builder medicine so you take it every day then after 6 weeks you’ll notice consistent change to emotions rather than a one off which may be useful as can be literally anything that can make you cry x