My bully got in touch after 20 years…

[sellotape12]

This evening a message popped up on my LinkedIn. I jumped out of my skin. It was from my old boss, in my first ever job 19 years ago. A man that bullied me senselessly. That experience changed the trajectory of my life.

I haven’t thought about him in almost 2 decades. His message is breezy and a general hello, and commenting on my ‘glittering’ career; as if he’s forgotten.

I remember before he joined I had absolutely loved my job, I was confident and learning. When he arrived, he made me his whipping boy. He set me up for failure. He deliberately embarrassed me in front of clients. Instead of identifying my obvious gaps as a junior and working with me to train me, he took me to task on them all. He told me my accent was too strong. That I wouldn’t make it because “daddy wasn’t rich”. That I was a stupid, foolish little girl for having a relationship in the office (a guy who’s now my husband)

I’ll never forget the day he took me to a café, told me I was incompetent and fired me. I had to leave my apartment and we ended up moving cities. Because my confidence was shot, I fumbled through the next 2 to 3 jobs and didn’t stay very long. I had a lot of therapy.

I don’t know what to say. I haven’t thought about him in almost 2 decades. Part of me wants to delete the message. Another part of me wants to message back with some hard truths. And another part of me is tempted to meet up with him and look him in the eye. Because guess what – we traded places. I worked my ass off in my 30s and I’m now in a much better, more successful position than he. Looks like he went backwards. I want to say look at me now you stupid, silly little man.

But I think I should probably delete it…

I would open the message leave it on 'read' and never look back again

Tell him to piss off then block him.

you’re better than him - at your job and as a person. He sounds like an absolute horrid man and I’m so angry for you. He’s not worth your time. Ignore

get an AI generated response and send but leaving the identifier on so he knows it is AI lol

Ohhh how did this go? Well done you!

I think this is a brilliant reply too, not because it's witty but because it's straightforward, and I think that's the morally correct way to treat people even when they don't deserve it. Maybe they will reflect. More likely they won't but that's not for you to know.

If I was contacted by a bully from years back I'd be saying very briefly that I didn't remember them favourably and didn't want any further contact with them. It's never right to play games with people.

Absolutely no hard truths, last thing you want is to give him the satisfaction of knowing he was on your mind or influenced you. Even blocking suggests emotion; just leave on read, it'll be the most hurtful thing 😈

Message back, "I'm not hiring, sorry."

Though I second the advice to leave it as 'Read' and refrain from comment.

No, a real cunt would leave him hanging, second guessing himself. Why hasn't she answered, does she hate me? Has she forgotten me? Maybe she's just busy? Should I send her another request?

It will eat at him. If you put him out of his misery with a response, regardless of how clever it is, he'll just shrug his shoulders and move onto one of the other 50 people he messaged.

I had a similar experience. One of my first Directors from over 15 years ago who was a sexist, racist, lazy, lying bully reached out on LinkedIn saying hello and congratulating me on a major career move. I thanked him then he launched into requests for advice on how to position himself favorably for my former role and for a recommendation!!! He even had the audacity to lay out the “dates and times he was available to discuss” this as if he was entitled to my attention.

Once I managed to get over my rage at his audacity I responded asking him to draft a recommendation letter detailing our previous working relationship, including any projects we collaborated on, the role he had played, his strengths, soft skills, team skills and attributes, and most importantly his leadership style given it was a role managing people. He sent me a two page recommendation that obviously made him sound amazing. It was clear he’d spent ages on it.

I replied “Thank you for taking time to prepare this, and for reaching out. Unfortunately, based on my experience working with you, I don’t recognize the person described in this recommendation at all. As you can appreciate, I can’t risk my professional reputation and good standing at company xxxx by lying. I am not in a position to recommend you for this (or any) role. I wish you the best in your continued job search.”

I then blocked him. It felt incredibly cathartic to have the last word and know I’d made him have to reflect on the impact of his shitty behavior because it finally had a consequence. I don’t think I have the character to ignore and move on in a dignified manner.

Reply with your SILENCE. It’s the most powerful response & means you don’t have to use up any energy.

Ignore, ignore, ignore! He sounds horrid!

I would reply, "how do you know me"

When he answers, then reply "Oh, right. Yes, I remember you now"

And never respond again. I wouldn't block him, as I'd want him to know I was ignoring him.

But @Okthenguys response was genius, so maybe something along those lines.

I'd send a: Who are you? You obviously think you know me but I have no recollection.

Find out what he wants, then give him some home truths. Maybe he wants to apologise? More likely hoping you’ll give him a job.

Please don't engage. The fact that he has noticed your success (despite his best efforts to sabotage you) is something to feel satisfaction about. In my experience, exchanges like these never go quite the way you imagine they will. Leaving him unanswered will probably be far more annoying than replying - it gives the message that you are now too busy and important to respond.

Responding to him with home truths might give him a bit of a thrill, or even give him a reason to do something vindictive. I wouldn’t respond. It’s very much the best plan to block and ignore for your own good and also doesn’t give him any sort of weirdo satisfaction that he has riled you.

Just block and ignore him don’t let him into your head

Take the power, ignore, delete and block him.
That will say more than you ever could.

He is either after something or wants to apologise (see below). No good will come of responding.

Not long after college my school bully bunped into me and apologised for his behaviour. The thing is, it was about HIM making himself feel better, it wasnt about me for one second.

It made me feel 100x worse because it bought everything back (like it has for you) and actually meant he was still controlling the narrative. I was still too meek to stand up to him. So it just relived the humiliation for me and let him off the hook.

As much as I'd love to reply, it's much better to ignore and block. Given his history I wouldn't put it past him to use a scathing/home truths message against you somehow - especially if he's still in the industry and you know some of the same people.

Any response shows him that he hurt you. And that’s what bullies want, to feel powerful at the expense of others. Don’t respond and don’t waste another minute of your headspace on this silly man who clearly has the management expertise of a tea spoon.

If you can, try to reframe it. Yes it was awful and totally unfair and he was obviously a complete twat, but he taught you a lot (resilience, you overcame it, how not to behave to people that are junior to you?) then move on. Frankly, a man like him would be pleased to know that it still upsets you, despite your success, years later. Do not give him that satisfaction.

@sellotape12

I think people who behave this way won’t respond to criticism in the way you’d hope. I also think your best weapon is silence.

‘The only X that I knew was an absolute cu*t to me.
So surely you must have the wrong person as someone who treats people like that wouldn’t have to audacity to contact them years later ?’

This is the dream.