11 year old when both parents are ill.

[Lazlothevampire]

We’ve all been wiped out by a stomach bug over the last week. 11 year old was first, followed by the 4 year old. Dh volunteered as tribute and holed himself up with 4 year old dd in the bedroom in the hope that we wouldn’t both come down with it at the same time and he’d be on the mend when I undoubtedly got it so one of us would be functioning.

Ha, well, the universe had other plans, and on Friday night, me and dh both came down with it within half an hour of each other.

Both children by then were okay. 11 year old totally over it and 4 year old just a little tired still.

Dh and I were useless, it’s a horrendous bug, the full on sickness, headache, body aches.

We took it in turns for 2 days, one of us upstairs trying to sleep, one of us on the sofa keeping an eye on the children, swapping every few hours.

11 year old dd was a brilliant help. She made all food for her and her sister. just easy things - cereal, Sandwiches, toast and soup, and generally kept her sister occupied, fed the dog and let her in/out to the garden. We have an open plan kitchen/family room so one of us was always there, feeling like death, but supervising.

During this time she was sending MIL photos of the food she had created for her and her sister, photos of the activities and games she’d set up. MIL showed them to SIL in a “oh, how sweet” sort of way and SIL blew up at dh last night saying what terrible parents we are and that we’d been neglectful. Dh, still feeling shitty, told her to piss off and stop being so fucking dramatic and hasn’t engaged any further with her constant texts.

I don’t see anything wrong with an 11 year old, year 6 child making a few easy meals and occupying her sister for a couple of days, supervised, while both parents are sick. She enjoyed the responsibility and had fun with it, and she was such a great help and we have made it clear how much we appreciated her help.

But no, we are now terrible, neglectful parents and dd will be messed up for life. Is it really so terrible for dd to have (happily) taken on a bit of responsibility for a couple of days? I really don’t think so.

Yanbu
Well done on raising such a great kid op. Life skills are very important, you could supervise and everyone was safe. We had to do the same when we both had COVID. My dd did similar the only difference is I didn't have a judgey sister.

This all sounds wonderful and everyone should be very proud of DD.

SIL can fuck off and, when receiving these messages she should have been straight round offering to help. Given that she wasn’t, she can jog on.

11yo making simple meals, feeding pets and keeping a younger sibling occupied sounds totally age-appropriate to me. When does SIL think kids should be expected to start with all that, when they're 18?

I have an 11-yo. He would be most amused if I told him I need to ship him to grandma, because he can't possibly be expected to feed himself while I'm ill. In fact, he's in the laudry room at this very moment, putting a load of family laundry on - he knows how to sort and separate and choose appropriate program. Your SIL would be on the phone with social services, I presume.

Ignore ass hole sister in law. What a great daughter you have. I bet even the 4 year old tried to behave. Great family unit you have .

Sounds like a brilliant outcome. I’d be organising a big treat for your daughter when you all feel better. She has earned top girl status with that one. I’ll bet she is also really proud of herself for coping with all that. I don’t even know her and I’m really proud of her!

Sounds like she has more sense and maturity than your SIL. Just respond to her messages with “OK” and move on.

My mum always tells a story of when she was ill when we were younger. She couldn’t get out of bed, my dad was working overseas and the three of us aged 8, 6 and 5 basically had to fend for ourselves. She had called the doctor and when he turned up, my brother was making us beans on toast whilst my sister and I were washing the dishes. The doctor was well impressed. My brother basically stepped up and made sure we were ok. Even took some toast and tea up to my mum. Kids can do way more than we give them credit for.

I'd struggle to speak to sil again

If she was that bothered why didn’t she offer to have the kids for a day or two?

Your SIL sounds bonkers. Your dd sounds great and you have done a great job to bring her up to be a competent, helpful individual who will be able to fend for herself as an adult. Isn't that what we want most for our children, for them to be able to look after themselves? Don't give it another thought.

Your SIL would think I am even worse. Years ago we all had a bug, DH was at work when I was first ill. I could barely move. I asked my 5 year old to make sandwiches for him and his little brother. Poor soul had never made a sandwich before, but he managed it.

Well done to your DD, you have all been sensible and kept an awful illness from others.

What a lovely (close) family you have OP, pity about the SIl

If more people like your SIL were told to fuck off the world would be a much better place.

You sound like a brilliant family. I never use this phrase but tell your SIL to wind her neck in!

It's absolutely fine OP.

There was a thread on here a while ago where a couple had both been ill and their daughter was about 6.

She put on her nurses outfit and spent the day bringing her parents glasses of water.

Shit stinks and you cope how you can.

If you were totally healthy and and your 11 year old was cooking then it would be different.

I’d be rewarding your 11 yr old and praising her. But what she did isn’t neglectful on your part.
Both dh and I got flu when my older two were small. We were so so unwell. We laid on the sofa and the dc watched a lot of tv. It was half term. I ordered a food delivery and my 8 yr old unpacked it all. He fed the guinea pigs and he made he and his brother toast and sandwiches and got them juice.
You weren’t neglecting them, you were supervising while your wonder dc probably enjoyed some responsibility and took care of her sibling.

Your lovely DD is a little trouper. You have taught her valuable life skills. Your SIL should be offering to help if she lives near enough - a bit of shopping, a home cooked dish left on the door step etc.

If it worked for you all why would what someome else says suddenly make it an issue? Why do you parent by other people

I don’t - it just pissed me off. I don’t see a problem with it at all. She wasn’t scared or anything, she was actually enjoying making up little meals and presenting them like she was a chef - hence her sending the photos to MIL, she was proud of what she was doing.

I have no relationship with SIL after previous batshittery (although it’s me that’s the devil and she’s the one who blocked me for all communication), but dh parents are elderly so he needs to keep communication open incase anything happens with them.

Incidentally, SIL does fuck all for her elderly parents, it’s all take and it’s dh that does all the helpful things they need.

Your SiL thinks it would be acceptable to throw a pair of seniors under the stomach flu bus. That speaks volumes about her judgement, doesn't it? Or maybe she'd involve social services, an intervention which would be far more traumatic for your children than what you did and what many families have to do when there's short-term illness. Long-term health problems are a whole other matter, but that's not what you were dealing with.

It sounds as if you handled things really well, making the most of your kitchen/family room layout and your DD's good sense and coping skills. Ignore your SiL. Her way of dealing with the problem would have made things worse for everybody.

Well done to your DD, I bet she felt really independent and useful. I hope you’ll treat her to something as a thank you.

Your Sil can do one, it’s none of her business.

This.