11 year old when both parents are ill.

[Lazlothevampire]

We’ve all been wiped out by a stomach bug over the last week. 11 year old was first, followed by the 4 year old. Dh volunteered as tribute and holed himself up with 4 year old dd in the bedroom in the hope that we wouldn’t both come down with it at the same time and he’d be on the mend when I undoubtedly got it so one of us would be functioning.

Ha, well, the universe had other plans, and on Friday night, me and dh both came down with it within half an hour of each other.

Both children by then were okay. 11 year old totally over it and 4 year old just a little tired still.

Dh and I were useless, it’s a horrendous bug, the full on sickness, headache, body aches.

We took it in turns for 2 days, one of us upstairs trying to sleep, one of us on the sofa keeping an eye on the children, swapping every few hours.

11 year old dd was a brilliant help. She made all food for her and her sister. just easy things - cereal, Sandwiches, toast and soup, and generally kept her sister occupied, fed the dog and let her in/out to the garden. We have an open plan kitchen/family room so one of us was always there, feeling like death, but supervising.

During this time she was sending MIL photos of the food she had created for her and her sister, photos of the activities and games she’d set up. MIL showed them to SIL in a “oh, how sweet” sort of way and SIL blew up at dh last night saying what terrible parents we are and that we’d been neglectful. Dh, still feeling shitty, told her to piss off and stop being so fucking dramatic and hasn’t engaged any further with her constant texts.

I don’t see anything wrong with an 11 year old, year 6 child making a few easy meals and occupying her sister for a couple of days, supervised, while both parents are sick. She enjoyed the responsibility and had fun with it, and she was such a great help and we have made it clear how much we appreciated her help.

But no, we are now terrible, neglectful parents and dd will be messed up for life. Is it really so terrible for dd to have (happily) taken on a bit of responsibility for a couple of days? I really don’t think so.

Oh yeah, she has form. She doesn’t actually contact me anymore. my dad was dying of dementia over a 5 day period, I sat with him day and night and dh and the children were on standby to come to the care home when it was time to say goodbye. Unfortunately, the day before he died, SIL had a big celebration planned, and obviously, we couldn’t go due to my dad being about to die, she didn’t take it well, was leaving me voice messages screaming that we had ruined her party, and I am now the devil for that. Oh well!

she just occasionally harasses dh over rubbish and largely ignores her. She can be very dramatic at times.

Your sister in law is clearly an over dramatic arsehole! What a hoha.

I hope you are all better soon.

She sounds lovely, you must be proud. Sounds like she wa still supervised and you did the best you could. Tell SIL that her concerns have been noted and next time you'll call her so she can come around and look after the kids or you can send them to hers

She’s rude (to you). She’s selfish - it would have been so selfish to send sick kids to your in laws. She’s completely wrong for saying that’s what she’s do.
Your 11 year old was fine and probably liked being independent and it’s taught her some life skills.

I just saw the update about her behaviour when your dad passed away. I am sorry for your loss and SIL is a total bitch.

DS is ten. (Yr5)

We are actively teaching him to be independent and make breakfast for himself. We've started teaching him how to cook. If push came to shove he could make scrambled eggs and fajitas by himself.

Your daughter is older (I don't know if she's yr6 or 7). I honestly think that all parents should be aiming for this by this age as basic skills. Cubs and scouts try and enable cooking at this level so it's not exactly neglect now is it?

Your daughter sounds like she's not just been able to do it, but has actively enjoyed the responsibility. A lot of kids thrive on it.

It's not as if it's an expectation to do it all permanently now is it?!

Your SIL is the one out of step here.

When I was about 8, my parents both got salmonella (yep, in the 80s) and spent several days incapacitated. I can remember being very worried about them. I can remember making them drinks (and being proud of myself). I can remember bowls of cereal in front of the telly for me and my little brother. I can’t remember any sense of neglect.

Your DD did well. She’ll remember it as a time when she stepped up and felt good about it.

Your SIL is a twat.

FFS, it's not as if you went on an all weekend bender leaving the 11 year old with the four year old! What a ridiculous comment.

I hope your SIL never has to experience both parents being sick when looking after children!

You are awesome parents who are doing a great job equipping your DD with lots of lovely life skills in being able to make basic meals.
Me, I would make a big thing of when you are better taking your DD out for a special treat as you are so proud of her for the way she helped you and your DH when you were poorly. Just you and her for a lovely special meal somewhere - at this age my DD adored a proper afternoon tea somewhere she felt really grown up.

Your sister in law is being incredibly silly. Giving responsibility to an 11 year old will build their confidence, help them develop, allow them to have a greater bond/relationship with their younger sibling.

its a really positive time for your dc to do so much and show their capabilities.

well done ops 11 year old

theres nothing neglectful about this, you’re all trying to muddle through in a very difficult situation. Your SIL has no idea what real neglect is

Ask her if she wants to come look after you all

My Dad was admitted to hospital because of a norovirus. Imagine giving it to an older person.

We’re talking about a few days and I’m sure most 11 year olds would be feeling very grown up and proud of themselves for looking after their sibling.

If you and DH were (for example) alcoholics who relied on DD in this way all the time, then your SIL would have a point. But a few days of ‘stepping up’ is going to be great for a tween, not traumatising for life!

Your DH was right!
Your 11 year old is lovely.
Your SiL is a bitch,
Sorry about your dad

Your daughter is a star, and your SIL is a dick. Responsibility is so beneficial for children.

Maybe treat your daughter to a nice day out when you're feeling better to thank her for being such a great big sister.

You should be proud that you are bringing up and independent and caring 11 year old. Well done. I see absolutely nothing wrong with her helping, but I’m all for encouraging children to do things for themselves.

Your SIL can do one, she sounds unpleasant.

I would reply with "oh how lovely of you to offer to have the children the next time we get sick, can't wait to take you up on that offer".

You know she would run a mile if she thought she might catch it from them.

You did the right thing, your family coped brilliantly with the whole situation. Tell SIL to piss off and mind her own business.

You're obviously great parents because you're raising a lovely, kind, responsible daughter! Ignore SIL, she sounds like a twat 🙄 I would plan a little treat for your DD when you're better, to show her how much you appreciate her stepping up and looking after her little sister ☺️

Your DD sounds brilliant and has clearly been raised well by you and your DH to be so capable. Your SIL is an idiot so you can dismiss her opinions quite happily.

I remember when DD was 5 and I got some weird illness that made me sleep all the time, I just couldn't keep awake, even fell asleep on the toilet. She looked after herself, making herself lunches and tried her best to look after me, bringing me her teddies and cuddling me.

She missed out on going to the cinema last week when she was sick, so we’ll do that when me and dh are over it and take her out for something nice to eat after.

As a parent of an 11 year old, she definitely could cook meals. When dc1 was 11 also could cook basic meals. (Dc1 was year 5 /aged 10 when first 2020 lockdown started and I know some of his classmates had to do toast/sandwiches for themselves/siblings when covid hit their households. This was perfectly normal solution to sick parents.)

Your SIL sounds toxic!!

Completely normal things we did all the time as 11 year olds in the 80s, when children were left unsupervised while their parents worked!

You've battled through this, managing to supervise from.the sofa, which is amazing, and your 11 year old has been great!

Yanbu and sounds like your elder DD absolutely loved the responsibility and rose to the occasion - hence her showing her nan all she’s achieved.

Your DH message to his sister was spot on!!