Grandparents dog scares ds and they refuse to acknowledge it

[corinabride]

I’m so upset and frustrated. My parents have a 2 year old terrier who’s always snapped at my 5 year old ds. The pup is calm when with my parents hut gets over excited with ds because he’s running around and being lively. He’s even drew blood on ds face before in excitement.

last east I invited my parents over for Easter Sunday dinner on the understanding they wouldn’t bring the dog (so my ds could enjoy the day without worrying)
they ignored my request and bought the dog anyway, my dad ended up leaving because I said ‘why have you bought the dog when I asked you not to’ my mum threatened to leave which got ds upset. Anyways it’s taken a year and only seen my dad once since then. I decided to invited them over again this year for Easter Sunday dinner and guess what… they bought the dog again!!! The exact same thing happened, my dad stormed off in a huff after only being here 2 minutes and my mum threatened to walk home which upset ds again!!!
my dads said that if the dog isn’t welcome then he isn’t.

is it me? I just feel they out the dog before their own grandchild, it’s really upsetting.

I don’t take my DD to my dad’s house as he has a Rottweiler which scares DD

Child’s safety comes first

No dogs allowed in our house. Anybody turning up with one would be turned away at the door

This. What are their ages?

Just invite your mum. He can stay at home with his dog which I suspect he'd prefer.

This situation is easily manageable if your parents would cooperate. They could leave the dog at home, or bring it with them but keep it separate from your DS.

The dog is more important to them than you and your DS, so now you know where you stand.

Honestly, give yourself the gift of freedom and stop trying to include your dad. He’s not trying, is he? He’s more invested in his badly-behaved dog than his daughter and grandson. Your mother could stand up for her grandchild, but she chooses not to. Just drop the rope and don’t make any more effort. Your DS will be fine, he doesn’t need grandparents who think their spoiled mutt is more important than his safety.

You’re in a horrible situation and your parents must be incredibly selfish that they’d put their dog before their grandchild. It’s even worse to think that, after the dog drew blood from their grandchild they couldn’t see the absolute lunacy of bringing the dog around to your house or letting the dog anywhere near your child.

I’m seeing this from both angles, by the way. When I was an 11 yr old child- so substantially older than your little boy- my maternal grandparents had a collie of whom I was absolutely terrified as he would jump up on me if he got the chance, and it wasn’t in a friendly, “excited to see you way” either. Luckily he was an outdoor dog, so I didn’t have to worry about him being in the house, and they would secure him if I was outside. I was so happy when he died!

As a grandparent myself, I put my dog (a pug cross rescue, not snappy but can get over excited so can be “jumpy”) into the utility room(where his bed and toys are kept) when my 2 yr old grandson is at our house. You can be certain that if my grandson showed any fear of my dog in years to come, there’s no way that I’d subject him to the dog’ s presence in the same room or garden. I love my dog but I love my grandchild more and he would come first every time. Your parents are absolutely wrong to bring their dog to your house when they know that your son is afraid of him, but they’re incredibly irresponsible and selfish to do so when you’ve requested that they leave the dog at home when visiting your house. It’s your dad’s choice to prioritise the dog over visiting you, so don’t lose any more sleep over him. The fact that your own relationship with him as a child was strained speaks volumes. No more guilt- your child comes first.

I'd leave them to their dog.

Stop inviting them over and If you want to meet them pick somewhere public that is not dog friendly.

I had exactly the same issue when my ds was little. His dads parents had a horrible west highland terrier that was snappy with everyone and had actually bitten and drew blood to a couple of people.

ds aged 3 went to his grandparents for the day, they’d promised to keep the dog away, they didn’t, my ds walked past the dog and it went for him, and tore a chunk out of his face, he had to have stitchesl and it got infected. I had a visit from social services but the grandparents refused to put the dog down and that I was overreacting wtf.

ds never went there again until the dog died.

grandparents were fuming but tough shit. Ds is 25 now and still has a scar. He was terrified of dogs for years

I’ve got a snappy dog (another story) but she’s put away when the grandkids come over

Or they can leave the dog at home, it is simple

Ask them for a grown up discussion and put forward your concerns. State your boundaries kindly but clearly, tell them you love them and want them to be part of your child’s life and development, but that you see the risk of an excitable snappy dog around a naturally lively young child. Toddlers are meant to be lively little things and it is against their nature to have grown up behaviour around dogs - they are children and will behave like a child! The grown ups must therefore be responsible for safety. Ask them how would they would feel if something terrible happened? Your dad may bluster around and storm off. But he may replay your calm words again afterwards and find a way to compromise ‘on his terms’. It’s horrible to live in the shadow of a half argument and semi- estrangement- so if you are the brave one and initiate a sensible discussion it may pay off for you. Or they might just be dicks. But either way it goes you will know you did the very best you could.

If "something terrible" happened pp, the father would put all blame on mother and child, it would be mum's fault for not keeping the child away from the uninvited dog. That's the kind of man he is and his wife would support him. No sense and no feeling other than 'I've said it so I'm right'.

We have two dogs that adore the grandchildren when they are at our house. We never take them to other homes though. Who wants the dog hairs.

ok so your Dad isn’t arsed at all from what you’ve said. He was a shit father and now a shit grandfather whom your mum enables.

id just take a big step back at this point. Don’t contact them. If they contact you, you’re going to have to say look don’t bring the dog with you ever again. Do you understand? Do you respect what I’m telling you? Treat them like toddlers. Sadly there’s no other way to approach this if you still want a relationship with them.

Nah. Stop trying so hard. They've told you exactly where their priorities lie.

I wouldn't be putting my DS through that

Ds loves dogs and we have our own dog. He stays away from my parents dog and isn’t the same child when their dog is around, he will generally not dare get off the sofa which ain’t like him! But on the odd occasion he moves then the dog gets excited and launches at him. Very scary for a young child.

I like what the pp said about giving myself the gift of freedom and not inviting my dad again, I’m going to do that. He’s not going to change at 80 years old so I’ve got to try accept that.

I currently have an excitable, teenage, (non nipping) Labrador but she would NOT be allowed to visit your home in this scenario unless I took a crate or set up a pen to keep her away from such a young child. Putting her in a strange room upstairs wouldn't solve the situation as she'd cry the house down and possibly scratch at the walls and doors wanting to be with everyone else. She's a work in progress but I fear your parents may be set in their ways.
"I'm sorry to have to say this mum and dad-I love you but I can't risk having the dog scratch my son at such a young age-please don't take this personally" should do it. If not, it's their loss. (I also use my car when visiting as dogs are used to being in it, but obviously can't be left when weather is warm).

Your parents are entitled to prioritise their dog. Your boy has the right not to be bitten. So you have reached an impasse. If you decide they can't bring the dog inside yours that is absolutely fair enough. It's fair enough if they decide not to visit. Don't overthink this

Ugh on “parents are entitled to prioritize their dog.”

I see that OP has figured it out and given herself “the gift of freedom.” I think this is a great way to understand what is happening. The grandfather is using his dog i order to punish and discomfit OP for having the temerity to be his child and to have her own child and to prioritize her needs and grandchild’s needs over grandfathers. The dog is just a tool of control for grandfather.

What is this absolute obsession with taking the bloody dog everywhere???

Dogs can be trained to be left for a few hours at least. Lazy people!

Sorry I wasn’t clear from the initial post. Dogs sometimes jump I’ve been scratched unintentionally, a bite is very different. I wouldn’t keep a dog that bites

I love my dogs more than most things but never would I think of taking them to my daughters for any visits
I’m sorry they’re so set in their ways , this dog has bit your child , you’re in the right here

My FIL is the same. DH and I cut contact when FIL refused to even take the dog to another room and said things like “you need to teach your kids how to act around dogs” (blaming them for his dangerous dog).

FIL last saw his grandkids 17yrs ago. I expect he will die before seeing them ever again. He prefered to prioritise his dog(s) over his grandchildren’s safety.

Neither DH nor I regret it. He is welcome anytime without a dog.

Don't put your child through meeting up with them if the dog is ANYWHERE in sight. Your child's comfort and safety is the most important thing.