Do people look up to their older siblings?

[Floopodboe]

This can be either your own siblings or what you've seen with your own DC.

I've encouraged my eldest to be a role model to his younger siblings. (Doing well at school/uni, succeeding in his career). I want my other DC to follow in my eldest's footsteps.

Oh wow 15 years.

The evidence shows that where there is bullying in a family, the younger sisters tend to bully their older sisters, whereas older brothers bully their younger brothers.

Oldest children are often made to be 'responsible' by their parents - "I'm leaving you in charge", and/or "If anything happens, you're responsible". It takes the fun out of things for oldest children in these situations.

I have an older brother. We get on okay but I don't look up to him.

I would....if my sibling was a kind and considerate person. I think that's a very admirable trait and I would be very proud if all my children were so.

Erm, no... because my older sibling spent a lot of time putting me down and making fun of me when we were younger. I was much happier when my sibling moved out. We don't communicate unless we happen to come across each other at family events like weddings, birthdays and funerals. In any case, being the girl, I was supposed to be the mature and responsible one (who looked after everyone else's needs while my own were largely irrelevant), and my sibling didn't usually have to be.

I don't think that it is healthy for the eldest child to have to be seen as 'perfect' all of the time, or for the youngest to be expected to idolise them when- despite being siblings brought up in the same house- they might be completely different characters. Also, parental expectations might backfire if your children can't cope with having to live up to them, and might spend their life feeling like a failure like me for being unable to meet family expectations.

I wouldn't push this kind of pressure and relationship on my children.

I'm the oldest and hated being told to be the responsible one etc. I would be very surprised if my brothers said they looked up to me!

Asked my 22 yo as she has 3 older siblings. A firm no. She said she doesn't agree with the idea that they should be a role model. Says, older siblings are to tell you what's cool, and serve as an example of how not to get into trouble!

I have 5. I look up to one of them.

Just as a general philosophy for life I don't really agree with trying to encourage a child to be a role model to their sibling/s.

My older brother - much missed - was loved and cherished, he was a successful man, well off and well liked. I never thought of the relationship we had as one where I looked up to him, just not an obvious sibling dynamic. Looking on the lighter and more literal side, he was short and used to refer to me as his 'not so little, little sister' as I'd inherited the tall gene.

DH is oldest of 4 close together in age siblings. When they are all together, people can't tell who is oldest. He's the least grey by far. They all took quite different career paths, so different that success can be very hard to measure should that be of any consequence.

No. Everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses and need to follow their own path.
being told to look up to siblings can affect their relationship with each other detrimentally.

DS's path through life is something I wanted my youngest to emulate. He did the 11+, went to a good grammar school. Did well at GCSEs and A-levels.

Got a first class in his maths degree and is now working a well paid job in fintech.

Well no, much as I love her, I don’t look up to big sis. And we have followed completely different paths in life , successful in our own ways.

I get that you want your younger dc to do well, but he is his own person ; own talents, strengths , path, life .

Your posts come across as overbearing. Give your children what they each need , not what you want.

this will likely breed resentment.

my parents both revere one each of my older siblings. I am told either how amazing and kind my older sister is, or have to endure boasting about my older brother and his achievements.

i don’t contradict my parents, but I am very clear eyed about both of my siblings, their faults , how they treated me when I was younger ( and when they were in a position of power of me) and separately my parents favouritism and interpretation of events.

the only inspiration that it gave me was to rely on them as little as possible and limit contact to the minimum that I could get away with.

Have you even listened to a single piece of advice or experience or warning on this thread ?

Surely it's like anyone else, you should look up to someone because of their character and conduct rather than because they are older than you.

Nope, my eldest sister is a total narc.....
Treat with kid gloves and step back.

In my experience first born are often the most tricky characters

Not really, since elder sister is so utterly different from me. But perhaps I should, since she’s always been so neat and tidy, and her house is always immaculate!

absolutely not. My older sibling damaged a whole chunk of my childhood.

Absolutely not

My eldest brother is a racist bigot who believes Trump is doing a splendid job and thinks it's funny to call people gay for having hobbies (in front of his very effeminate 10 year old son...!)

I think it depends on how nice and admirable they are. Do they ahve a quality that's worth looking up to? and as far as you know, are they nice to the younger sibling in question?

My sister was a horror to me. I have plenty of friends who were bullied mercilessly by their siblings to the complete ignorance of the parents

With our kids. DD15 looks up to DS22, who is kind, and not to older DD17 who is just nasty to her

No.

My oldest brother is nice enough, but a bit odd. The other brother is a racist, Trump-loving, manipulative, bullying arse. And my late mum’s favourite because he tells a lot of jokes, usually at someone else’s expense, and modelled on the style of Jim Davidson.

I’ve had to support both of them financially over the years. Only one of them appreciates it, though.

I’ve an older sibling and 4 younger ones. I don’t ’look up ‘ to him no. We have a great relationship, but if if I’d followed in his footsteps it wouldn’t taken me 5 years to finish my undergrad.

and if your youngest is an artsy muso who floats from job to job cos they prefer more time for things like art, music
what if they not academically inclined? just happy to pass HS and get a stock standard job?

not even touching on the pressure it puts on your eldest

I was the oldest and treated like this. Basically the younger ones are put under a load of pressure but what they didn’t see was that I was put under a lot of pressure to set a good example as well and my parents were much stricter with me.

I really try not to compare my DC for this reason. It just causes stress and resentment

No, I don't think that's fair. Being a teen is hard enough without being expected to be a role model to a tween. If it happens then great, but it shouldn't be an expectation.

As adults, no definitely not. That would be weird. We are all equals with different strengths and weaknesses.