How to get 5 year old to eat a proper meal? Help please!

[cycler]

My DSS age 5 lives with us around 35% of the month and half of all school holidays. DSS is quite a selective eater and has been since I met DP two years ago. I do all of the cooking as I enjoy it and try to make our meals as appealing as possible to DSS.

We’ve tried the following:

•Involving DC in the shopping & meal planning.
•Involving DC in the prep & cooking.
•Plating up separately/deconstructed.
•Food placed in middle of table to help yourself with no pressure.
•DP and I making a big deal of enjoying our food/vegetables.
•Variations of the food we’re having, for example, homemade curry made milder & sweeter or chicken cooked with little seasoning & no sauce.
•Requesting that DC try each component from time to time as tastebuds change, “don’t have to like it but we’d like you to try it”.
•Rewards of a toy for trying dinner, rewarding with a film or dessert.

DP has tried coaxing and even forcing DC to try certain foods but unfortunately dinner time is turning into a battle & it’s stressful for all involved. I tend to not get involved other than the actual cooking (shopping & planning) and don’t think we should spend hours coaxing DC to eat whilst we all sit at the table watching but DP has asked me to be a little more involved as he’s at the end of his tether really. In the past I’ve taken more of a no pressure approach & move the conversation away from the food entirely at the table but would not allow any other snacks after dinner bar fruit or veg (DP tends to give in a lot more easily so DC will not try any dinner then will be allowed to fill up on chocolate afterwards).

DC will currently eat:
•Chocolatey breakfast cereals
•Toast and jam
•Fried egg
•Bacon
•Fish Fingers
•Beans
•Spaghetti Hoops
•Biscuits, chocolate
•Cucumber
•Grapes
•Banana
•Chips
•Potato Waffles
•Sometimes a burger/sausage
•Yorkshires & Pastry
•Gammon
•White bread
•Tomato Ketchup
•Pepperoni Pizza
•Fromage Frais style yoghurts or chocolate yoghurts.
•Will sometimes eat the inside of jacket potato.

DC will not eat:
•Any other veg, no peas, sweet corn, carrots, peppers, broccoli
•Anything in a sauce, no gravy, bolognese, white sauces, curries
•Mash
•Rice/Grains
•Pasta
•Nuggets
•Plain fish/Chicken/Pork/Beef mince
•Selective about the beans, will not eat KFC beans for example or others served in restaurants.
•Nothing with visible seasoning/herbs or any roasted bits on veg/potatoes.

Does anyone have any tips in getting fussy DC to try anything new or do you let them grow out of it? Can anyone recommend any dinners with hidden veg he may eat?

thank you!

I’d simply make meals that have a mix of things he’ll eat and things he usually won’t or hasn’t tried. Then sit down and eat a meal together and not make a big deal over if he eats or not. Generally, make it normal healthy food that adults would happily eat, spaghetti hoops and potato waffles as a very rare treat only. Don’t offer loads of processed snacks between meals, say, raw veg, fruit, cheese, boiled egg only. No pudding after the meal or snacks. What is offered is what there is. He doesn’t have to eat all of it or any of it, but there’s nothing else after if he’s hungry. Get rid of the chocolate cereal and the junk.

Let them grow out of it. They can go through a weird phase when they start hearing classmates saying ‘I don’t like x/y/z’ or they could have ARFID.

The absolute worst thing to do is constantly cajole, bribe or force. If he doesn’t eat give him toast or bread and jam for supper so he isn’t going to bed hungry, but giving him chocolate is ridiculous.

I’d stop any form of cajoling, pressuring, bargaining, bribing.

Simply cook a meal, make sure it has some of his safe foods as sides (cucumber sticks, toast strips, some cut up fruit), and where possible let him serve himself (so put stuff on table and let him take the lead, don’t present him with a plate of food). Don’t talk about the food, don’t comment on what he’s eating, don’t try to get him to try things. Talk about your day, what he’s done at school, whatever, and take all the focus off the food. Don’t sit there for hours all being miserable. After 15 mins or so, just clear it away. Meal times need to reset, as I imagine you’re all going into them now ready for battle.

Also serve ketchup for him with new things you’re serving, even if you think it doesn’t ’go’. DD1 is much more willing to try something new if she can dip it in ketchup the first few times!

Stop making such a meal of it. Sometimes it is not being 'fussy', it is that the child has sensory issues, and can't abide the smell, taste or texture of the food. That is not their fault.

Turning each mealtime into some big event every day is going to get you nowhere, and could end up making things worse. All that shopping, meal planning, prepping and cooking is putting way too much attention onto food.

Chill out. Massively chill out and stop all the pressure. Pretend that mealtimes are matter-of-fact, and here's the food, eat what you want. As long as there are a couple of things the kid will eat at each meal, leave it at that,

Pay no attention whatsoever to what they eat or don't eat. No chiding, no persuading to eat that, or try that, or well done or anything. Do not comment at all.

By the way, your DC eats a much more varied diet than mine did at that age (there is something from all the food groups in there), and that a few weeks ago my DD actually tried lasagne for the first time in her life. She is 26.

I'd get a bit more creative with the veggies on offer. Have you tried a platter of cucumber, cherry tomatoes, cubed beetroot, baby sweetcorn, sugar snap peas, with cheese chunks and wholemeal bread chunks, and some dips.

Then a home made fruit salad with a skewer or cocktail stick to 'catch' their pudding. You could use cubed apple & pear, satsuma segments, pineapple chunks, quarter plums etc

I'd put it out and leave your dss to it. No alternatives, no time limit, no fuss.

thank you for your insight, just to clarify, these are a combination of things we’ve tried. As I’ve said, I prefer a much more relaxed approach of eat what you like and talk about anything other than the dinner. Most meals are served with a side of cucumber as I know he will eat that (even if it doesn’t “go”).

When I say meal planning, it’s a casual “we’re going shopping later, what shall we have for dinner” or letting them pick up what they fancy in the supermarket. The involvement in the cooking is the chopping of veg to go in, answering any questions on what each ingredient is when DC shows an interest in the cooking (they like to help cook but won’t eat it)

on the other hand, DC has had fish fingers, waffles and spaghetti hoops three times this week as at least it’s something going in!

If DC doesn’t eat any of the food prepared and are hungry after dinner, what would you suggest? Make a safe food, offer fruit, give a treat?

That’s a lot more varied than DD’s diet at that age. Bread, cheese and grapes was about it for a long time. Now 16 eating a totally normal varied diet.

Veggies are offered on a separate plate to help yourself usually, for example we had tacos this week with cucumber, tomato, avocado (both sliced & mashed), sweet corn.

Chicken was shredded and added to sauce served in a bowl, some plain shredded chicken kept aside for DC. Cheese and sauce in bowls for DC to assemble.

DC ate cucumber & plain wraps, no chicken, no cheese.

Often cut up carrot sticks, cucumber sticks and cheese cubes for DC to pick at no pressure, cucumber usually eaten, sometimes cheese.

I’ll definitely try the fruit and veg platter idea, usually just offer strawberries, banana and grapes. Thank you!

I make a meal. Make some sides or alternatives. Give Greek yogurt and fruit after if all else fails. My Ds is almost 5 and pretty fussy

Examples this week:
we had marinated pork, corn on cob and roast peppers on bbq. With pitta, tzatziki and mixed salad with tomatoes and feta etc.
I added some mini sausages to bbq. Cooked Ds some corn on cob on hob ( he won’t eat bbq’ed), gave him raw pepper. He ate the tzatziki and pitta without changes.

Today:
Beef roast. Roast potatoes, carrots, green beans, Yorkshires.
He ate leftover sausage from yesterday, a Yorkshire, carrots. Plus some random cubes of cheese .

If I do something like bolgnese or curry, he will eat plain pasta with butter, cheese and cucumber or pepper. Or plain rice, roti, cucumber pepper. Again often with cheese cubes. And then fruit and yogurt. He won’t touch the pasta or rice if I add anything in sauce. Won’t eat any meat except sausage.

Would reframing what you call things help? My boys would turn their noses up at curry but would happily wolf down spicy stew. Also saying matter of factly that some foods were only for big boys gave an incentive to try new things.
I’d offer a banana or plain toast and butter if he was hungry after not eating tea. There is an awful lot of sweet and sugary things in his diet.

Just serve what you serve and let him eat what he will. If he won't then save it. If he's hungry later re- offer it but don't give him an alternative or snacks. Keep doing this. Don't cave. He won't starve.

Thank you all. I’m aware that the fish fingers, waffles and hoops aren’t ideal but DSS will genuinely not try any plain fish/chicken or even homemade breaded chicken/fish/ oven chips.

Will eat bacon & gammon but these are very processed aren’t they? Will not entertain the idea of plain pasta, tomato pasta etc.

If your DC aren’t willing to try, do you just leave them to it with the hopes they will eat it at some point if you continue to put it in front of them?

My 5 year old has a small repertoire of safe foods. We generally give her a modified version of our meal, or something she will eat. She mostly lives on cucumber and butter sandwiches.

I make sure that the majority food groups are covered (protein can be tricky) and try not to stress about it. My sister ate nothing but plain pasta with grated cheese when we were growing up and she has a perfectly normal and varied diet in adulthood. One thing she does with her own children is 'try something new day' once a week but the rest of the time her youngest lives of beige food.

How/what does he eat the other 65% of the time when he's at his mums? You all need to be on the same page with how you approach this, but if she's doing what your dp is and filling him up with chocolate then you're onto a losing battle.

My dd had a very limited diet at that age - lots of texture issues, and could tell a mile off if I'd bought a different brand of eg baked beans. She's now 16 and is much more open to trying new things, but still won't eat lumps of veg in sauces. (ASD). I wouldn't worry too much (but cut down on the chocolate).

As he isn't with you full time, I'd feed him from the list of things he will eat, and stop all the cajoling and pressure. Occasionally, if the food for the adults was something you know he wouldn't eat or try, I'd feed him earlier, and enjoy the adult meal later.
I'd stop all the chocolates, puddings etc if he didn't eat his meal or make a good attempt at it.

Do you think he enjoys the attention from his Dad, have you discussed with his mother what he eats at home? Is what he eats at home different from what he will eat at your house?

It sounds as though meals at your house are a bit of a battle ground, and that can't be much fun for you. The last thing I'd want at the end of a busy day would be to spend time arguing with a truculent child over some broccoli! 🥦 🥦 🥦
The dad could be using the situation to prove to himself what a good caring dad he really is, and he's trying to pull you into this scenario also.

However, I would try to make meals fun, for instance making the beef burgers into faces with slices of vegetables, stamping messages into the toast, cutting things into shapes with pastry cutters etc etc.

If it's a sensory issue then they will starve.

I agree with others, take all pressure off and always make sure there are options he will eat. Offer everything.

Please don’t force him or not give him something else simple like toast, fruit, yogurt.

He’s only with you 1/3 of the time. So what he gets 2/3 of the time will be influenced also.

We try all the tricks, getting Ds to help, offering to try from options on table etc and Ds is still fussy. I would hate him to be hungry or uncomfortable with food at another parents house.

This is a bit left field but as someone with a picky eater, try a trip to Wagamama some time! The food is healthy, the staff are friendly and the kids' chopsticks seem to be absolute catnip for small kids.

DD had the same kind of tastes at your DSS' age and asked to go into Wagamama one day. To my surprise not only did she eat their food but it's been a gateway to all sorts of new foods.

If your DH thinks over the family food history he may well find a few other relatives who were picky and they often do grow out of it if the adults don't overreact.

My DSis ate only bread and jam for about six months as a child and has a perfectly normal diet as an adult.

I think it's a shame when otherwise loving and caring parents become abusive over food. Some of the behaviour you've been describing on the part of your OH sounds quite abusive. Ultimately we should all be able to say "no" to what goes in our mouths.

It doesn't really matter if your DSS gets to 18 just eating items on his "safe" list. You'll probably find that he adds things organically as he gets older. Just feed him as best you can based on what he can eat and then his dad can have a laugh with him as he gets older about what a picky eater he was, rather than looking back in shame at the bullying and force-feeding that went on.

@CrispieCake
Quite a reach to say that the OP is being abusive, bullying and force-feeding her DSS!

"DP has tried forcing DSS to eat foods..."

It's the OH (other half) of the poster who's lost the plot.

If it helps my son is 3 and eats perhaps a quarter of the amount your child does.

I read somewhere you have to offer some foods 12 times before they'll be accepted. So i would offer food he eats and then something different and be consistent. Emphasis on offer not force!

Coaxing, bribing and attempting to force feed him just reinforces that meal times aren’t safe times, so he’ll likely be in fight, flight or freeze, none of those are going to help him try new things. He is also likely hypervigilant, so in this case having to select his food may actually be too high pressure. Make something like waffles, beans, fish fingers and add in one ‘mystery’ item on his plate no pressure to eat it, no “ooo thats x vegetable do you want to tru it?” keep adding the same mystery item and if meal times eventually become safe and calm he’s more likely to eventually try that item.