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Original poster

11 year olds coping with things they don't like

69 replies

purpleme12 · 17/04/2025 18:52

If you were in a kind of take away cafe place that you can sit down in.
We ordered food. One I thought she would like but we hadn't tried it before. She agreed to try that food.
Unfortunately she didn't like it much when it came.
So I was there eating mine cos I liked mine but she didn't like hers.

Would your 11 year old be able to cope ok with that?
How would your 11 year old react to that?

OP posts:
Original poster
purpleme12 · 17/04/2025 19:49

There have been times where she so wants an ice cream so much and sees others with ice creams and gets genuinely upset REALLY upset and finds it really hard to deal with

I would have expected at 11 for them to find something so simple easier to deal with

OP posts:
ScrewtopRose · 17/04/2025 20:01

So she can be rigid in her thinking and finds it difficult to adapt when things don’t go to plan? Gets disappointed and struggles to manage her emotions? My DD can be like this. Along with a few other things we had her fully assessed for autism but she didn’t meet all the criteria for a diagnosis.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 17/04/2025 20:06

Was it a sense that she was cutting off her nose to spite her face? That she was disappointed (and disappointed in herself) not liking the food and therefore got in a bit of a strop and refused to eat even things that she normally would have wanted, just for the excuse to have a bit of a sulk?

I might have been known to do this sometimes, I put it down to ADHD and control issues in myself. I'm sure she'll get over it.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

11 year olds Families
Queenofkittens · 17/04/2025 20:06

So the point of your post is because you think your daughter over reacts and u want to know if it's normal behaviour? I mean I guess she didn't have a full melt down and throw herself in the floor, that would be weird.

However the ice cream comment, crying etc, that's really over the top and dramatic. My own daughter is 11 (just recently) and would never react like that but I guess each child is different? Would you class her as a spoilt child? As that might be a factor.

Original poster
purpleme12 · 17/04/2025 20:10

No not spoilt

No she didn't throw herself onto the floor but she has done a couple of times in the past

Yes as I say she has challenges/is challenging
Was just gauging other people's children

OP posts:
Original poster
purpleme12 · 17/04/2025 20:13

ScrewtopRose · 17/04/2025 20:01

So she can be rigid in her thinking and finds it difficult to adapt when things don’t go to plan? Gets disappointed and struggles to manage her emotions? My DD can be like this. Along with a few other things we had her fully assessed for autism but she didn’t meet all the criteria for a diagnosis.

Yes she finds it difficult when things don't go to plan exactly

Yes she gets disappointed and struggles to manage her emotions exactly

Yes I do believe she has a couple of autistic traits but I don't believe she's got enough of them no

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 17/04/2025 20:16

We have one who used to be fussy and one who would eat anything.

So just regarding the fussier one, it would entirely depend on how hungry he was and how long alternatives would take.

I would probably offer him some of mine if his wasn't to his taste or dissect his or both of our meals to fish out the bits he might eat.

I wouldn't have made it a big deal and he would have to deal with the consequences of his decision, this is at 11, after he chose.

Also to be fair if it was a new place his food might just have been not great. I am not fussy but tried a new kebab place in our village once, because the household wanted, I don't eat meat so got some vegetarian something or other, it was dreadful. So I didn't eat it. This was in my 40s. So bad food at a new place happens.

Queenofkittens · 17/04/2025 20:16

Maybe she's on the spectrum?

frozendaisy · 17/04/2025 20:17

Actually thinking back the non-fussy one would sometimes say "no can't eat that it's awful" (and if he did that it really was awful)

frozendaisy · 17/04/2025 20:17

Queenofkittens · 17/04/2025 20:16

Maybe she's on the spectrum?

Although quite likely she isn't - probability wise

Original poster
purpleme12 · 17/04/2025 20:24

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 17/04/2025 20:06

Was it a sense that she was cutting off her nose to spite her face? That she was disappointed (and disappointed in herself) not liking the food and therefore got in a bit of a strop and refused to eat even things that she normally would have wanted, just for the excuse to have a bit of a sulk?

I might have been known to do this sometimes, I put it down to ADHD and control issues in myself. I'm sure she'll get over it.

No this isn't a good description of her

See all my comments for insight

I'm sure she will get over it this particular instance. But I'm sure we'll still have to go through it all again in a slightly different scenario as well

OP posts:
MereNoelle · 17/04/2025 20:28

My 11 year old (and my 9 year old) would just say ‘could I have something else instead please?’ and we’d find an alternative.

JandamiHash · 17/04/2025 20:29

If it helps OP, I’ve learnt since my DD turned 11 that they are no more reasonable than toddlers and it is TOTALLY unpredictable when and what they decide to huff over. I’m always on the defence that she could turn any time over anything

Original poster
purpleme12 · 17/04/2025 20:30

Ours has been going on a few years now 😂

But much appreciate the solidarity!

OP posts:
gettingbacktobeingmeagain · 17/04/2025 20:31

I think sometimes kids this age can paint themselves into a corner and not know how to get out of it...and then we try and help and that annoys them (especially if they know they're being difficult) and then neither parent nor child can do right for doing wrong! DS can sometimes blow totally "nothing" situations out of all proportion like this, and sometimes I am calm and reassuring and sometimes I get annoyed with the sulky "dunno" face and say so...

I just put it down to growing up, not knowing how to handle some situations or them knowing they've got it wrong but trying to cover that up (because they're old enough now to be embarrassed); I think if you've offered several perfectly reasonable options, whether that's about food or doing something else, then best to just stop trying and say "I don't think we're going to make this work, are we?" with a smile...and just leave it.

JandamiHash · 17/04/2025 20:40

purpleme12 · 17/04/2025 20:30

Ours has been going on a few years now 😂

But much appreciate the solidarity!

Was having a lovely day with mine today, took her for a day out and to lunch and she got in a huff with me because, after saying “Would you be annoyed if I ever skived off school?” I said “Yes”. Totally unreasonable apparently for me to say this, it’s not her fault if her mates one day “make” her she says. I took lots of deep breaths then ordered a glass of wine.

minipie · 17/04/2025 20:40

TBH I think there are quite a few adults who would be a bit sulky and huffy if they’d ordered something in a restaurant and it turned out they didn’t like it. Hopefully they’d snap out of it pretty quickly but it wouldn’t be unusual to have a bit of sad face going on.

I don’t think it’s at all unusual for 11 year olds to struggle to hide their disappointment when something goes wrong. It’s quite a grown up ability.

Original poster
purpleme12 · 17/04/2025 20:41

JandamiHash · 17/04/2025 20:40

Was having a lovely day with mine today, took her for a day out and to lunch and she got in a huff with me because, after saying “Would you be annoyed if I ever skived off school?” I said “Yes”. Totally unreasonable apparently for me to say this, it’s not her fault if her mates one day “make” her she says. I took lots of deep breaths then ordered a glass of wine.

Show quote history

Good thinking with the wine!!

OP posts:
Original poster
purpleme12 · 17/04/2025 20:44

minipie · 17/04/2025 20:40

TBH I think there are quite a few adults who would be a bit sulky and huffy if they’d ordered something in a restaurant and it turned out they didn’t like it. Hopefully they’d snap out of it pretty quickly but it wouldn’t be unusual to have a bit of sad face going on.

I don’t think it’s at all unusual for 11 year olds to struggle to hide their disappointment when something goes wrong. It’s quite a grown up ability.

It's not that I want her to hide her disappointment

But so for example it was only a few months ago where she was lying down in the shoe shop because we needed new shoes and there weren't any that she liked and fit her and were comfortable cos she was stressed and found it hard to cope with that.

There are other ways the stress comes out with her as well.

So it would be nice not to have the explosions

Do yours react like that? Out of curiosity?

OP posts:
HateThese4Leggedbeasts · 17/04/2025 20:44

One DC would be ok. My other one loses her mind when hungry and can't get past disappointment then

Ilovelurchers · 17/04/2025 20:55

My daughter would have coped with this fine. Her dad however (who I am no longer with) even we qn adult had massive form for ruining occasions/meals out for just this kind of reason. Even as an adult, did not cope well with disappointment at all and was a massive aulker.

What I am trying to say it's, while it could be a sign of neuro diversity, it could just be her personality..... If the latter, I am sure it could be worked on, and the fact that she has some awareness of it is really positive. Some simple CBD techniques might help? She probably needs to change her self-talk - rather than saying to herself "This is SO unfair, I HATE this" etc, try saying "This is a bit annoying but there are lots of things I can do to improve this situation - I will look at the options." Stuff like that.

Good luck to you both!

Ilovelurchers · 17/04/2025 20:55

CBT not CBD! She doesn't need that! 🤣

JandamiHash · 17/04/2025 20:57

purpleme12 · 17/04/2025 20:44

It's not that I want her to hide her disappointment

But so for example it was only a few months ago where she was lying down in the shoe shop because we needed new shoes and there weren't any that she liked and fit her and were comfortable cos she was stressed and found it hard to cope with that.

There are other ways the stress comes out with her as well.

So it would be nice not to have the explosions

Do yours react like that? Out of curiosity?

Show quote history

I’ve boycotted shopping with DD because “everything is ugly” and “Nothing is nice” and “Nothing fits me” and “I hate this”. It’s stressful.

OP I read an audiobook called 101 things to know about teenage girls - it was a very hype listen, I didn’t take all of the advice and won’t be but it clarified that all young girls are a PITA and just take a little patience and you’re not alone.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 17/04/2025 20:58

DD would freak slightly (which is why she doesn’t really try things) , apologise and also refuse alternatives because she’d feel bad about wasting money/ordering something and not like it. After a million reassurances it’s fine and not a big deal and not to worry about it she might agree to something else either at the cafe or somewhere else. Then be really grateful, apologise about 5 more times and get really emotional. Fun times.

Original poster
purpleme12 · 17/04/2025 20:59

I absolutely don't go clothes shopping with her 😂

Unfortunately I need her to go shoe shopping!

OP posts: