Does suddenly losing a parent ever get easier?

[AintNobodyHereButUsChickens]

I lost my mum just after Christmas ‘23, she found out she had metastatic breast cancer and died 15 days later. I miss her so so much, I’m constantly thinking to myself “I haven’t spoken to mum in a while, best give her a call” and then remembering. I always see funny videos on Facebook that I know she’d like and I think “Oh I must send that mum!” And then I remember. My kids have had so many achievements over the last year and I desperately wish I could tell her all about them.

Sometimes I feel like she can’t really be gone, she was such a larger than life person. It’s impossible that she’s dead, because that’s so final. But logically I know it’s true, I was there when she died. I saw her in her coffin and helped wheel her into her funeral.

Does this ever get easier?

hello, my Dad died suddenly of a heart attack 28 years ago, we were incredibly close - I would say it gets easier to deal with in my case. I didn’t get to say goodbye to him but I know that he knew he was loved. There’s a Coldplay lyric - ‘nobody said it was easy, no-one ever said it would be this hard’ which really resonates with me. So, in my experience, the pain doesn’t go away but you learn to cope better. Sending hugs

I’m so sorry that you are going through this 💐 I’ve lost family suddenly and it feels like the earth has stopped turning, the bottom of the world has fallen out.. yet everything else carries on as normal around us. It’s a very strange, empty and lonely feeling. How can someone full of life not be here anymore? How can we accept we will never see them again ever?
All I can say for me is that time does heal and make it less raw. I used to want time to speed up so I could pass the beginning days quicker, I’d wish for hibernation but that would have just delayed it.. but yeah suddenly 6 months passed. Then a year. I distracted myself with work, kids, trying to do fun things, make the most of life. It fades but is always in the back of my mind, mostly memories make me smile now but still sometimes cry. I carry them with me and chat to them. Just take each day at a time and be kind to yourself, distract yourself ♥️

Sorry to hear about your mum. Did you look into any bereavement counselling at the time?

My mum died suddenly and unexpectedly. She collapsed at home and couldn't be revived by paramedics.

I have nothing to measure it against but the sheer suddenness of her death added another level of trauma. There was no warning, no chance to say goodbye, nothing at all the preempt the heartache and loss we would all feel.

It's coming up to five years now and whilst it is easier in many ways, I don't think I'll ever get over the way we lost her. We draw a lot of comfort in her not having to suffer but by God we've all felt monumental trauma from the totality of it.

I am able to channel things a bit more positively now. I try not to dwell on "that" day and focus on my lifetime of happy memories and all the positives my lovely mum gave me. She made me who I am and I'm able to refocus my feelings.

It took me a good few years to get to this point though and I'll never, ever stop missing her.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Grief is a rocky, winding path and some days will be worse than others. Your grief is still new and raw and indescribably painful. Do what's best for you. Sometimes I needed to be alone to think and cry, other times I needed love and affection and comfort from my family. My aunt told me on the day of mums funeral that grief is the price we pay for love. Your grief is huge because you loved so much. 💐

@AintNobodyHereButUsChickens I’m so sorry for your loss.

I don’t think it’s gets easier, your grief remains the same, that void will never be filled but your life just moves on.

I lost my dad 11 years ago and I still miss him. I took one of his tops so I could smell him but one day it smelt of nothing and the devastation I felt still brings me to tears.

I will always miss him and still cry for him but that’s just become part of life.

Talk about your mum as much as you can, I know it’s painful but you are keeping her memory alive and sometimes it’s comforting to remember the happier times xx

My DM died five years ago and I still feel like you. It will hit me again at random times and I get upset about thinking I will never see her again.
I don't know when it will seem more real to me.

This is exactly it. That first week was horrendous. How on earth was the rest of the world still carrying on as normal when mine had just shattered?! It felt like no-one cared… because of course they didn’t care, they didn’t even know 🤷🏼‍♀️ I’m constantly having to remind myself that her name won’t just pop up on my phone anymore, that I can’t just nip round and see her, that we can’t meet up for lunch. It’s been a hell of a time.

I sometimes get jealous of her, she never had to experience losing her own mum. My grandma outlived her by 10 months. Imagine losing your child when you’re 84! Horrendous. My grandma had a stroke in the summer and passed away in the autumn. I’m certain it was brought on by the trauma of losing mum.

Just hear to say I feel your pain . My mother passed in July after battling dementia and I visit her at cemetery every single day it’s my way of dealing with it . We were hit with the awful news sat that my lovely dad who looked after mam for many years has advanced osofegus cancer . It’s sad but we have to be strong . Sending u and everyone else suffering massive love and hugs

Yes, it will get easier. My parents died within 12mths of one another when I was 23/24. The first one had been ailing from cancer for some time, the second a complete shock - they were the type that you’d have bet on making a century.
It was obviously very hard for a good few years, but yes, it does get easier. It was particularly odd when I had my own kids, and i felt the grief all over again when they weren’t there to be doting grandparents that I know they’d have been.

I’m now nearly 50 and friend are just staring to lose parents, the “lucky” ones that is. The less fortunate are negotiating dementia, nursing homes, hospital stays, and a whole load of hassle that aging parents bring, with added teenage children problems, so swings and roundabouts really.
You will be okay, but it’s also okay to grieve however you need to. I still get that “oh, must tell mum” thing 25yrs plus on, but its a lovely warm feeling now.

It is an incredibly lonely time when you lose someone very close to you and are devastated and life seems to stop and yet all around you the sun is shining the birds are singing cars are driving by people are calling out walking dogs riding bikes living life.
My mom died 12 years ago.
In life we were not very close.
As I have gotten older strangely at times I feel very close to her because I find myself thinking and saying and doing things the way I know she would have done.
Even after 12 years there have been a few nanoseconds of time that I have thought I would like to let mum know this.
Or I bet mum would really like to hear of this.
Maybe it is much worse when you have been very close to someone.
If that had been the case with me I think I would be inclined to communicate if only in my head with the person I loved sharing events and times in my life believing that somehow tshe would be listening and it would give me comfort.
Sending you hugs OP X.

I lost my dad at 54, but that was a chronic illness.
Then I lost my mum suddenly in a car accident at 69. I’d seen her ten days earlier prior to a holiday and then… never again. Her own mother had only died six months earlier at 89.
That was nine years ago this year and I haven’t cried now in many many months. But I think about her (and dad) often. And the unfairness of it. Thinking of what my now young adult DC have missed out on upsets me the most.
But I have a great life in every other respect, am very lucky in many other respects and appreciate it. It’s certainly shape my outlook on life though. I am retiring with DH at 55 next year and will be travelling, spending, and enjoying every minute.

I wouldn't say it gets easier, I think you get better at dealing with it.

In my case my DM died very suddenly 5 months after our wedding. She looks young and so happy on the photos. I'm now older than she was when she died. She never met my amazing DDs but we have always talked about her and DD1 has her name as a middle name.

It was really hard to deal with at the time, and even now, 20+ years later I get the odd time when I think "mum would love this" then remember. However, we didn't have to watch her get old or lose her faculties - she is frozen in time as middle-aged. DF coped amazingly but now at 90 he is quite frail and his short-term memory is poor - is that better or worse? He adores his DGDs and they know they are lucky to still have him around despite him needing more of our time and care.

Be kind to yourself and remind yourself that it is fine to have bad days.

I lost my Dad around the time you lost your mum, but metatastic lung. It was very quick, we didn't really have time to process him having terminal cancer.
The journey has been up and down for me. I've coped okay day to day and find my children a huge comfort but then something will trigger things and the emotions come back really strongly. We had an amazing bond and I comfort myself by thinking about him often and feeling he's still with me.
About a month ago, I felt a really awful sense of crushing loneliness and fell into a bad depression for a few days. At the time I didn't think it was grief related but when i had more clarity, I think it was another result of the space in my life that he has left. So I'm still very much mourning that.
So in some ways its getting easier but in other ways I'm very much changed.

I also lost my Dad in 2023, it will be two years next Monday. He died suddenly after a hospital fuck up and none of us were there - the nature of his death has caused me and my family a great amount of added pain. It is so hard and whilst I think about him every single day I do feel that I have accepted it, I am able to sit with my memories and smile rather than bawl my eyes out. The hardest thing for me has been watching my Mum live without him, she is lost and misses him so much tears me apart.

My mum died suddenly the year before yours. She was ill for two weeks (that we knew of) and then died suddenly in hospital. The hospital rang us to tell us.

The suddenness of it is actually something I might be at peace with now. In terms of, if she had to be terribly ill, then it's better for her that she died suddenly rather than lingered on, in pain and afraid.

I don't know if it's become easier, or it's more that I'm used to it now. I found therapy helped.

It does get a little easier, but significant days like a birthday, Christmas or anniversary’s it comes so hard again. I miss her every single day, she had Alzheimer’s it was so awful seeing how this dreadful disease changed and affected my wonderful, amazing mum. In some way it was a blessing not to see her suffer anymore.
Like today, my wonderful amazing mum passed away 3 years ago today. It was Easter Sunday, so today my thoughts are just for her, but how I wish I could just hold her and tell her how much she is loved.

I think you just get used to the pain, wouldn’t say it get easier as such.

That feeling of disbelief eventually faded for me, but I still have those same moments of thinking that I should tell my mum something before it comes to me that I can’t any more.
She’s been gone over two years now and I’ve only recently been able to throw away her handbag. It wasn’t worth anything, but was something she always took anywhere with her, right up until her last hospital admission. (I now wonder if she knew that it was going to be her ending.)
One of my DCs is having a baby soon and while I’m thrilled at the thought, there’s also the knowledge that my Mum would have been too at the back of my mind.
People say it gets easier with time - my take on
it is that you get better with dealing with the pain of loss as time goes on.

We lost mum in June last year, 6 weeks after she was diagnosed with a brain tumour. We cared for her at home, it was the right thing for us to do but my god it was traumatic, and I'm not sure I'll ever process it properly. I still can't believe she's not here. For 6 months after I felt like I was treading water. Christmas was okay, New Year was overwhelming sadness about leaving mum behind as we moved into a new year. Jan to now has been okay, but it's coming up to a year since our world fell apart and I'm feeling overwhelmed again.
Focusing on supporting my beloved 81 year old dad who is grief-ridden but trying his best to keep going without the love of his life. It's pretty heartbreaking.

I felt the same approaching the year mark, but once it had passed I felt a lightness.. like all the first anniversaries were done, all the birthdays and celebrations experienced without them for the first time, and it got a little easier after that. Hope you get that too ♥️

It gets …different. Not a parent loss but DH died in an RTA, left in the morning, didn’t come home.
It changes, the loss never goes away but you adapt. I would really recommend bereavement counselling, I didn’t do it ( lived in another country, not easy to access) and was later diagnosed with ( I think doctor said) complex grief., maybe complicated grief? It was a silly mistake to make, one I regret as it caused me a lot of difficulties.

Journalling might help you.
Make a memory box , that can help with processing.
Sometimes small rituals help —- planting seeds or bulbs, giving something to a charity in memory of your mum, doesn’t have to be expensive there’s a charity that plants trees around the world at £1 each.

Much Loved is a site where you can light a virtual candle. as many as you want.

Everything you are experiencing is normal. It feels sad, gut wrenching and so hard but it is a normal part of grieving.

@QueefQueen80s I felt that lightness after New Year! Finally felt like something had shifted, I felt more even, crying less, not losing myself as much as before. Am hoping it passes again, as you say, the firsts are always going to be tough. My biggest fear is not being able to climb out of the gloom when it hits. I just don't want to feel like that. Thanks for your kind words, I hope you're okay too.

@dogsandcatsandhorses I am so sorry to hear of your loss, that's absolutely brutal. Thanks for taking the time to reply, I'm sending all good wishes your way. I'm considering counselling, I just keep putting it off...it's the fear of what it might bring up I think, I've blocked a lot out from when we were caring for mum in her final weeks. I've been planting up our garden with mum in mind, and I wear a piece of her jewellery. I talk to her. She's still a massive part of my daily thoughts. Sometimes it's comforting and peaceful - other times, unsettling and all-consuming. As you say, all normal, just hard to be in the middle of.

I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, it does get easier. I lost my Dad very suddenly from pancreatic cancer aged 21. I took about 4 years to process the grief. The first year was the hardest. Gradually things improved. I read a while ago that it does actually take about 4 years to work through things, so my response seems pretty standard. I can only imagine though that you would never get over losing a child.

Do you have any aunts or someone from an older generation to chat to from time to time?. That helped me a little bit as I missed advice from someone with more life experience.