“Best” funeral / wake you’ve attended

[Monket]

This has been done to death (excuse the pun) on weddings, but sadly I am in the midst of organising a funeral and wake for my DF, and having only ever - fortunately - attended one such sad event before, am wondering what made a funeral or wake you’ve been to memorable. For the right reasons, please…

My uncle’s was lovely. He was a vicar and we have a large family plus a lot of people from his various congregations so there must have been about 100 people, the church was packed. Eulogy and various tributes from friends. His children and their spouses greeted everyone at the church door which was nice. They made an effort to introduce everyone to one another and make sure people were seated comfortably before the service started, it wasn’t rushed. Immediate family only to the graveyard, then an afternoon tea in the church hall, with bone china, flower arrangements, lovely cakes and sandwiches, it made it feel like a special occasion. Lots of time and space to mingle once people had eaten and no rush for everyone to leave, it was a really uplifting day, meeting cousins we hadn’t seen for years and their children who we hadn’t seen since they were children etc.

My dad’s. The back room of a pub he liked, standard buffet food that most if the mourners would like, tons of tea and coffee, enough seats and tables.

We also had pin boards up and asked people to bring copies of photos if dad that they could give us to display them keep. It was a good way of reminiscing about him.

You will because I had to do two readings at my mum's funeral and no way was I letting her down.

Wakes in Ireland are before the funeral but many houses are 'house private' in the notification, though there's never a refusal if anyone turns up. The reception after the funeral is usually a sit down meal. But times have changed and it's less formal now.

Been to some receptions where the family were too distressed and it was awful. Bear in mind that funerals are very quick in Ireland. My mum hated that and wanted a longer time, so we respected her wishes. She was buried 5 days after she died.

Love the idea of photos/albums and also would add a longer playlist of songs he liked. I'd have his favourite snacks/sandwiches, tea/coffee drinks of any kind and cakes/buns biscuits.

For my mum who was 99 we went to the cafe she used to take us to for an after school treat, teacher. We did have a very long time talking to people outside the church which was lovely. Her burial took place 10 miles away, so less attended.

ETA We all met up for a formal meal two days after the funeral.

Actually, the eulogy is another thing I have a somewhat controversial opinion about.

An emotional eulogy from a family member who is only just holding it together is excruciating to sit through.

The best one I witnessed was two friends of the deceased, one from his young married life and one from more recently. Because they were less emotional they did a good job of giving us the true picture of the man.

The best ones are ones the deceased planned themselves, including one reframed it as a 'leaving party!'

If you want a happy celebration of his life, play one of his favourite tunes as people leave the crem or find something uplifting that people almost want to bop along to, just lift the mood.

I so agree and certainly don’t want a choked up upset family member stumbling through anything for me.

Agree

my Mum was in a care home and she had a memory box as she had Alzheimer’s it was full of old photos. At the wake I put it on the table and every one enjoyed the old photographs it really lifted the mood. Sorry for your loss.

I think a certain amount depends on the type of funeral.

An RC requiem mass doesn't give much scope for anecdotes or family stories so they take place at the bun fight (as it is known in my family).

Other services might have various family members speak so not as much needs to be said afterwards.

When my grandmother passed away my mum wasn't going to organise anything, but we had relatives who would be travelling 1.5 hours each way and I thought they needed at least a cup of tea and a biscuit.

I love the ideas of photo books or these days you could have photos on a screen.

I think some music would be nice but not so loud that people can't talk.

Also depending on the weather you might want some hot food. When my grandad died it was the middle of winter and we went back to the church hall for sandwiches but before that everyone was given a bowl of soup that just took the chill off.

On the subject of the Eulogy, practice it, out loud to some one to see that you can get through it.

Finally I am sorry for your loss.

The main thing is to give a 'flavour' of the deceased I think - that can be through the eulogy, anecdotes, photographs, sharing memories etc. Or just reflecting their likes and interests in the decorations/ music etc as appropriate. Sharing stories and memories from different aspects of the life so everyone hears some familiar stories and some new ones.

I went to a friend's funeral last year where the deceased was very flamboyant. She had a somewhat 'tense' relationship with her family who I think found her a bit embarrassing. Unfortunately her sister insisted on organising the funeral and didn't want any input from her friends - which obviously we had to respect. The service was very bland and the buffet afterwards a limited number of sandwiches and cups of tea. It was fine and very inoffensive but we came out feeling it could have been anybody. I came home and felt quite upset about it and a group of us actually organised a meal out a couple of weeks later and wore the clothes she loved, ate the most expensive food and laughed and talked and said a proper goodbye as we felt we needed it.

I think if you know your dad and just reflect him and what he would like it'll be great.

Robbie. His coffin was carried in solemnly.

His false leg was on top stuffed with flowers.

Solemnity went straight up the chimney.

Advertising on a thread about funerals is pretty low. Glad I didn’t see this yesterday which was the anniversary of my father’s death. Shame on you - reported.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

My DM died at 58 after a short illness so it was quite unexpected. I had a huge photo frame filled with photos of her at various stages of her life and we had a guest book so people could write some of their favourite memories or stories of her in it. It’s been so lovely to look back on and hear stories I might never have learned about.

the tea and coffee were endless, the buffet was decent but while it was a sad occasion, we tried to make it as positive about her as possible.

Sorry for your loss.

The best ones I have been to are where the "do" afterwards feels like the person you are saying goodbye, would have enjoyed it. Party animal Welsh rugby player? Full on knees up in a rugby club with associated singing. Quiet, reflective, and private person? A gentle afternoon tea in a peaceful setting.

What would work for one person would not work for another. But yes, plenty of seating, lots of tea and coffee and be prepared to talk to lots of people.

My Dad's funeral was a couple of weeks ago.

Dad was quite active in his church so there were a lot of parishioners that came to both the funeral and the 'bun fight'. A caterer did the food but parishioners came round with options.

After that family members went back to the hotel some of us were staying at and we drank, told stories, laughed, and got drunk. Oh and ate the leftovers of the buffet.

I think the book is a good idea. When my mum died there were cards from loads of people but with Dad I don't think people knew where to send them, I did get a couple.

I think the music makes a big difference to the tone of a funeral or wake. When Mum died some decades ago, we were very much steered by what was tradition. We just about squeezed in one (classical) song that she loved. When Dad died, funeral expectations had changed and we were able to use songs and music that he loved, that attendees remembered dancing to with him as far back as the 50s, songs we had listened to on his 8-track car stereo fitted in the family Ford Consul back in the 70s. The hymns we had felt obliged to have at Mum’s meant nothing to him but a bit of Mama Cass really fit the bill.
At the wake, so many people expressed memories triggered by those songs.

With sit down meal. In my home country we always have meal, usually buffet. I was surprised when UK dh’s granny died and the wake was in pub with sandwiches and pay yourself pub drinks.

My Dad had a Quaker funeral. The coffin was brought into the meeting house, then each person who felt moved to do so talked about something they remembered about him. I learnt things about my Dad’s friendships and personality that were quite outside my own experience of him, and it felt as if all the different parts of his life were finally knitted together. You could do something similar at the wake?

I left my adult kids to organise DH’s.

As a family we put together a playlist of his favourite music.
Food at the wake was what he liked to eat (prawns, peanuts, cheese and Mars Bars 😁)
A book for people to write memories in
Loads of photos

My dying cousin planned her own funeral, she was quite a fun person and didn't want it to be a typical day of mourning. She asked that everyone wear yellow (her favourite colour), had a bright yellow coffin and a marching band leading the funeral procession. Afterwards there was a disco