“Best” funeral / wake you’ve attended

[Monket]

This has been done to death (excuse the pun) on weddings, but sadly I am in the midst of organising a funeral and wake for my DF, and having only ever - fortunately - attended one such sad event before, am wondering what made a funeral or wake you’ve been to memorable. For the right reasons, please…

When my Dad died he donated his body to science so we had a memorial rather than a funeral. One really nice thing was that people were invited up to give their memories of my Dad. My sister put together a photo board of him with pics from throughout his life. We had the wake at a local pub and people bought their own drinks but we provided plates of canape type food which were passed around so people didn't have to queue up and get plates of food. My dd played a piano piece at the beginning. It was nice to personalise it like this. The only thing we did 'wrong' was to forget to tell/invite people from his old workplace. He was long retired but it would have been nice to give them the opportunity. I don't think I've ever been to a 'bad' funeral in terms of organisation. They've all been touching and a chance to catch up with people and reminisce. I've just been to a funeral where instead of flowers they had herb plants in bags and the congregation was invited to take one home and plant it in the garden. That's a very nice way to remember someone.

I’m sorry for your loss 💐

I’ve been to funerals in which a photo slideshow (accompanied by music) is part of the funeral service. I’ve also enjoyed listening to anecdotes about the deceased - I’ve learned more about them and I’ve also laughed quite a few times.

A friend of mine had a lot of music from musicals and said everyone should wear what they feel comfortable in but the theme was gothic/ grunge. It was a really nice funeral tbh she was only in her 40’s and had MS.

grandfathers funeral, my mum (his daughter) did a speech recalling her childhood memories and his late wife’s brother spoke about more recent memories including getting barred from a pub when he was in his 80’s.

grandmothers funeral, the wake was in the church hall, had her fav party picky bits - butterfly cakes, chocolate eclairs, cheese board, pork pies, cold quiche, sarnies, tea and coffee. Soft music and balloons for the younger ones

My dad's. I was dreading it as I hadn't stopped crying for a week. He had died suddenly and far too soon. We had caterers come to the house. A good friend of my dad's had gone through his wine cellar and picked the best bottles to use - and either he or my mum had bought more of the same. The house was packed, as was the crematorium with people having to stand at the back. As the wine flowed, his friends, colleagues, associates and their partners reminisced and told stories about my dad. The house was filled with tears and laughter. He was well remembered in a way he would have liked.

I've been to one where there was karaoke and a DJ for dancing later. Huge attendance. One of my own parents ended up as a (unplanned) house party via the pub after the actual post-funeral "do". People still talk about it.

When my dc were about 2 and 4, I went to a friend's father's funeral. Dh played with our dc outside while I attended the service, and then all three joined us for the wake. This had been agreed beforehand with my dfriend.

My dfriend later said that having my dc there was wonderful. Their presence lightened the mood because it allowed people to step away from thinking sad thoughts and made smiles acceptable. The talk soon moved away from sadness to happy memories of his father.

Another good wake I attended was from the first moment intended as a party. 'John' and his wife had been famous for his parties, and his widow was determined to throw one last bash. Loads of good finger food, loads of good drinks. The cocktail John always served, and wine. No beer. John liked the occasional pint, but would never mix hops and wine, nor allow them to be served together. His widow held court, just as at their parties, and everyone flocked around her. There were tears, and laughter, business deals and reminiscences. It really was John's Last Party.

I don't remember a Condolences Book at either wake, though there's been one at every other wake I've ever attended. Maybe there were, but the memories I have retained were of the interactions between the people and the celebration of the deceased, memories of happiness, of love, of catharsis.

Hope your dad's send-off gives you peace.

Grateful for all the ideas - this will be a small affair, only about 30 people. Don’t think we’ll end up with a house party!

A woodland burial where we all sat on picnic blankets and took turns standing up and sharing stories about the deceased. And then all shared a picnic afterwards.

When my DP died Wilf gave one of the eulogies...We had the service at the Baptist Chapel. Due to Wilfs deafness the funeral director wanted a copy of the eulogy so they could put it on the big screen. Wilf wanted to tell the story of when I was out with DP and I over imbibed and called pigeon and seagulls sigeons and peagulls... I had four copies sent to me before there was one that Wilf could read out. I had to explain several times that the Baptists dont drink!

An aunt who was HK Cantonese recently passed. In her tradition, red envelopes were handed out with a pound coin and a piece of thread inside. The coin had to be spent as soon as possible and the thread had to be tied to a doorknob. This was for luck. She was also a great carers' advocate and so her memoir on her caring life was given away, which is now on my shelf. Her Cantonese family insisted on breaking up the flower arrangements, mixing them up and asking each of us to take some home. They didn't want any to be left behind like we do in my family. It was interesting how the different sides of the family went about things.

I once went to an Irish funeral in North London with a Muslim colleague. I'm an atheist, staunchly so. The deceased was someone we both worked with. In the church there was some lovely Ceilidh music, some poems, and even his little grandchildren went up to say goodbye to their grandad. There were prayers and blessings and readings....it went on for an hour and a half! The funerals I normally attend are 15-20 minutes, tops! Then we all got on a provided bus and went up to the cemetery. There they did the committal and we put flowers in the gravesite etc. Then my friend asked the priest if he can offer a prayer of his own and this was granted, so he did his short prayer as well. Then we all piled onto the buses again (a good 200 or so, mind) and was taken to the drinks and sandwiches, though I couldn't partake because I was on the late shift at work! There was SO MUCH LOVE in that funeral it made me cry. That on top of the crying for the fact I'll never see him again. His family were the absolute best.

We had a humanist ceremony and lots of photographs back at my mums house where we had the wake , plenty of red wine as that was her thing and lots of laughter and tears

I agree with this. I think the eulogy should ideally be written by someone close. I have been to too many funerals where the celebrant (is that the right word) has got names wrong and read things weirdly. It jars. I also like meaningful music at a funeral.

For the wake, I've been to some where some lovely photos have been on display.

Also the deceased had written their own eulogy - which was amazingly powerful.

I’ll be writing the eulogy in the coming days, and am planning to read it at the funeral if I can hold it together sufficiently.

Any further ideas gratefully received.

My dad was an atheist so we had a humanist service. The man came to the house and just talked to us about him for a couple of hours. Dads funeral was brilliant, if they hadn’t said his name you would still have known whose funeral it was because the celebrant told lots of anecdotes and funny stories that we had told him.

I heartily recommend a humanist funeral. The celebrant will make it a celebration of your dad and will incorporate all your ideas. It will be really personal. If money is an issue, you might want to have a direct cremation and have the funeral without the coffin at your venue. The celebrant will happily do that for you.

Sorry for your loss OP, i lost my darling dad two years ago, mom was distraught and left it all to me (im an only child) with her blessing we had a budget funeral in the morning, all done by 10 and it was lovely, a reading, couple of songs, then hired a local micropub for the afternoon and had photos out, a playlist of songs from the 50s, basic buffet…mom still says and i agree, it was absolutely perfect and he would've definitely approved

We did a big photo board of my dad when he passed. It really helped my mum in particular and a lot of the people who came commented on it.

For the service part - a high quality booklet that will last for those who want to keep it.

For the service - have someone who actually knew him write the eulogy. They don't need to be the one to read it out if they people don't feel they'd be able to do it. But a number of time I've come away baffled after the service as the person being talked about bore no resemblance to the actual person I knew. A few speakers used it as an opportunity to preach rather than being focused on the loved one so choose wisely here.

For the wake, good food in sufficient amounts, good music, lots of tea and coffee and maybe access to a bar depending on the age group attending.

We also usually have a silent slideshow of photos projected up on one wall on a loop throughout the wake. Lots of funny ones in too. They were a great conversation starter and lead to a lot of memories being shared as they triggered recollections.

I've organised too many funerals in the last couple of years and those are the things I've learned to focus on. Stuff like flowers or table decorations etc just don't stick in people's memories, but people still bring up how good the ribs were at Granddad's funeral 20 years later.

We had a slide show of my DB at his funeral and a live stream for people who couldn't get there and it's a permanent record of the ceremony.

The ones that were held in the deceased favourite pub and everyone could just relax.

My grandfather's was special because he was. He lived a long and memorable life, so the eulogy was full of war stories, Olympic events and amazing anecdotes.

My father loved champagne and left instructions and money so that his wake was a party for those of us who were glad to see the back of him. He was a difficult man. His eulogy reflected that.

My Irish friend and her family stood at the entrance to the hotel and shook the hand of every single person to thank them for coming as they entered for the reception after the husband’s church service. I found that very touching.

My son wrote a poem about my DH, printed it off for everyone in the church and sang a song for him with his guitar. It might have been the poem (I was on Prozac..) so I agree that personal touches are good.

My memories of Liverpool funerals consist too often of too much alcohol sometimes leading to family upsets sadly.

I’m so sorry for your loss x

my grandfather (who was basically my dad in most ways) was a jazz loving, beer drinking atheist - his funeral made the local paper!

New Orleans jazz funeral - we could not wear black - all bright colours, jazz band playing him into the crem - huge party with a band at his local pub afterwards. He wanted no religion, no tears and a good time - I did cry in the toilet a few times but we mainly laughed, danced and told stories about his life.