“Best” funeral / wake you’ve attended

[Monket]

This has been done to death (excuse the pun) on weddings, but sadly I am in the midst of organising a funeral and wake for my DF, and having only ever - fortunately - attended one such sad event before, am wondering what made a funeral or wake you’ve been to memorable. For the right reasons, please…

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Being completely honest, I don't think you need to focus on what guests think. I'd make it about your family and your dad. What would he want? The mourners should not be demanding or expecting anything from you when you have just lost your dad.

The ones where the tea and coffee doesn't run out and there are enough seats.

Not generally bothered about the food, although last summer I went to an afternoon tea one, scones, cake type and it was much nicer than the next one which was a lukewarm sausage roll and crisps type affair.

ETA - go and view a few places. Some will claim all sorts but actually just be a table in a corner of a pub that's open to the public. You'll get a feel for rugby club vs pub vs hotel. Look at distances, especially if you're doing church and crem services.

Wonderful anecdotes about the deceased that bring them back - memories that others won’t know. Perhaps in the eulogy or maybe shared at the wake. Sometimes old photos can be fun too.

sorry for your loss. X

I thought my Mum's went well. We put her photo albums out on a table for relatives to look though and everyone was reminiscing about the old days and laughing at 70s fashions and their haircuts.

My DGM's very simple one with sausage rolls and soup in her nearby pub. It was close family mainly but we are a huge family so it was a catch up with much loved family from around the world.

My DM's a fancy 3 course lunch in the local hotel. Exactly what she had planned (she'd known it was coming well in advance and had chosen the menu!) and enjoyed by her friends.

DMiL's just coming out of lockdown so immediate family only. A very fancy afternoon tea at her favourite posh hotel. She would have loved it. I wish she could have seen it.

Thanks for the kind words and quick replies - my dad was so laidback we’d joke he was horizontal, so he’d just want everyone to have a good time and a drink for him, as it were.

I just want everyone to remember him and know how amazing he was! Want it to be a “good” event and go smoothly.

Photo albums are a good idea, I wasn’t sure if people typically do such things at a wake.

So sorry for your loss. I rarely go to the wake part, but when it was my dear dad’s turn, we chose the local hotel that did the best buffet.

My dad , sadly, had been to a number of funerals and he had a ranking for the local hotels/ cafes .
We chose the one which was his favourite, for the quality of their sausage rolls.

We had an open bar, but in reality only a few folk chose a drink. We had lots of tea, coffee, and typical Scottish buffet , and it was fine.

My siblings and I, though sad, made a point of table hopping to catch up with his friends. I felt it was a good send off.

Sounds great op. Just do it how he'd have liked it I think.

Enough seats is a good shout too and try and keep it to people who loved him if you can.

So sorry again for your loss

Sorry for your loss.

When my grandmother died I trusted a catering team to supply cake/food. They employed people with learning difficulties to act as servers. The whole team were professional and did a brilliant job, making everything seamless and with lots of thoughtful touches.

Ones where a few different people say something rather than one person do a eulogy.

I think a wake where people bring homemade cake is nicer than catered professionally but that's just my preference.

So sorry about your Dad.

I feel I have attended quite a few funerals due to work. The ones that really stand out are the most personalised where family/friends participate, where that's relevant. A nice idea is where close family & friends write a letter about the person who has died to thank them & to say what that person meant to them (or what they did for them which is memorable). These have often been unknown things to the audience but are often really moving. It's nice for the family to hear these too. The Celebrant/Chaplin usually reads these out.

Close family and friends, relaxed event, personal service and eulogy which actually talks about and celebrates a persons life and achievements, lots of photographs for people to view and reminisce over, a playlist focused on favourite songs of the person, nice food and drinks are a bonus.

The best one i've been to was family only. It was a lovely service. A real celebration of the person. Afterwards we went to a lovely fairly fancy country restaurant on the banks of a lake. it was a stunningly beautiful summer day. We all just relaxed and it full of love and warmth. We chatted, laughed and cried a little. Exactly what the deceased would have wanted.

I'm sorry for your loss.

The nicest funerals I've been to have truly felt like a celebration of life. Favourite songs of the deceased, lots of stories from family and friends from all different eras, funny anecdotes, bright coloured dress code, lots of love and warmth.

My friend recently died (early 50’s) and her funeral was in the morning and the wake at the local pub late afternoon and it was such a lovely evening!!
music,drinks flowing,food and pictures of her dotted around
and everyone was ordering her favourite tipple and the pub ran out!
it was a send off she would have loved
we did her proud❤️
however older generations would likely prefer a sit down with sandwiches and an assortment of cakes with tea/coffee

Thank you all, some lovely ideas and thoughts. We’ve got a lovely venue which we’re happy with - debating the private room va a sectioned off space of a bigger hall but with a lovely view… Might rethink the catering based on a few comments above, but it’s supplied by the venue and they have a bar. Will need to investigate re tea / coffee.

Just had a funeral for my wonderful dad, it was really lovely.
I tried to think of the guests as I know my dad would have done. The funeral was streamed so those that can't or don't want to travel can watch. There was good parking at the reception and I arranged taxis for locals without a car.
I also made a small momento of dad for the guests, in addition to the order of service.
My mistake was to under estimate how many people would be attending.

I think the best ones are relaxed at home, either the decreased family/marital home or one of their DCs'

Tea and sandwiches, booze if you like and chatting.

This is something I have a definite opinion about as I think we do funerals wrong. The best funeral I went to had the cremation first with just close family and friends and then the church service after, open to all and sundry and then open house at the deceased’s home just round the corner from the church so people could walk round.

So the hardest part was got out of the way first, and there wasn’t the need for people to be driving about all over the place.

Also, not too much booze. Some people will make a party out of anything and long outstay their welcome which isn’t fair on the genuinely sad.

We used a book at dfs funeral, for people to write memories of him, anecdotes etc. It was nice to look through afterwards, particularly some unrelated to family which I hadn't known about eg old work stories, things that happened before I was born.

Also, not too much booze. Some people will make a party out of anything and long outstay their welcome which isn’t fair on the genuinely sad.

This is true ime. I really struggle with people acting this way at funerals I must admit

I'm assuming you're in the UK so you may not have experienced the joys and sorrows of an Irish wake.

The wake in Ireland is NOT after the funeral, that is called the funeral reception or some such, but never the wake. An Irish wake is usually at the home of the deceased, the coffin is in the front room for all the neighbours friends and relatives to have a look at the late x or y and say an obligatory prayer over the open coffin, kids and all.

I have in law relatives in the West of Ireland, so I can only speak for them. The wakes are a bit mad, a bit sad, a bit surreal, and a bit "long". The family will wake the deceased overnight and people come and go. There is much sadness if the person is young, or died tragically, but there can be much hilarity if the deceased was older and the death was not unexpected. Due respect and reverence, but a lot of talk, food, drink, sometimes traditional music, and that's all night long. Well for the immediate family anyway.

For the reception nowadays it's a full 4 course sit down in the local hotel/golf club etc. Similar to what a "wake" is in the UK I suppose.

OP, just be yourselves, do justice to your Dad, have lots of photos out and include other family photos. That's usually a conversation opener. Then just celebrate his life. I am sorry for your loss.

That's so lovely. We didn't have a book at my Dad's funeral but quite a few people said different things at the funeral and it was nice to hear stories I hadn't heard before. Also one of his work colleagues came up to me afterwards and said it was lovely to meet the grandchildren who my dad was always talking about at work.

I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️
I'm Irish so the wake might be different - for us it's the time between the death and the funeral where the home is opened up and normal life just stops for a little bit.
Although it was the worst of times, my little sister's was exactly what she would have wanted. People came in and out all week, and one night a load of her friends came in. They told us stories about things they'd done together and made us laugh about all their adventures. In the later evenings my dad and brothers and I would sit with a wee dram and really talk. It's funny how at the saddest of times it really brings us all together and life just slows down a bit.
For her funeral we all wore bright colours and had a 'party' after for her at her favourite place (her favourite pub 😂).
Do what makes sense for your dad. I hope you have loads of support around you and that hearing all the stories from his friends will make you feel loved and have all the more warm memories to carry around of him.

Thank you all, and so sooty for your losses too. Life will never quite be the same again.

Yes, to be clear by “wake” I mean the get together directly after the funeral.