Is this cultural or is he being really rude and aggressive?

[Whitetruck]

We have a South African site manager at work. White man in his 60s, only recently moved to UK after selling his business in SA.

He's good at his job and can't do enough for people but when talking to staff will stand really close, wag a finger in their face and say "listen" at the start of every sentence.

He comes across as the very worst kind of patronising middle aged man, but is actually very kind in many ways.

And you are accepting this why?

Well that's quite rude and aggressive 🤣

Who says I'm accepting it? I'm considering what might be behind it in order to find the best way to address it.

He’s likely a racist old man who’s used to talking down to Black South Africans this way, like they’re children.

I used to date a South African. I always found he and his friends came off very aggressive when they weren't meaning to, but they were actually the funniest people! Funnily enough, he said listen or listen here at the start of sentences! It really depends on what he's saying as to whether he's being aggressive or not.

It doesn't matter what's behind it.

There's only one way to address it really and that's "Dave, please don't wag your finger in my face, I find it very rude".

I don't know any saffers but according to DH who has worked with some in the past they can be more direct than English people, bit like the Dutch

Even so, I wouldn't tolerate that

What did I just read

You automatically have to judge him by his skin colour and his country. FFS.

That's a bit of a false dichotomy.
It might be that he's being rude and aggressive because his culture has taught him he can. If I do something which is acceptable in my culture and I learn that it isn't in the culture of a person I'm with, I'd give strong consideration to not doing it in their company!

It’s irrelevant whether it’s cultural or rude & aggressive, because it’s not an appropriate way to behave at work. You either need to tell him that, or you need to speak to his manager about it.

I'm South African.

Listen... is not an uncommon thing to say. I would not bat an eyelid at this.

Not so sure about the finger wagging in the face though.

Racist white man who is used to getting his way

Tell him to voetsak (pr. footsuck) out my face.

I doubt he will take offence to this 😄

No it's not.

Can I just add.

If he had said, Listen, my friend.... And carried on.

Then that is a totally different situation. 😂

It's really is a cultural thing. He just has something he feels is important and is going to talk about it. Like getting everyone's attention if you like.

Have you met many white late middle-aged male South Africans?

The accent has got to be the worst ever

Because she said he’s good at his job and kind in many ways.
To not accept people’s differences is so problematic to me.

If he’s doing it at the start of every sentence for every conversation, then he’s obviously not being aggressive.

I am awful for talking with my hands and pointing with my fingers. I really make a conscious effort not to do it.

I know a few men who say "listen" at the start and/or "do you understand me" at the end. It took me back at first and I found it aggressive and patronising but now I don't blink. I don't think they mean it that way.

My Scottish FIL shouting "RIGHT" at the end of every sentence, I find that really annoying but he is a misogynistic old twat..

It's cultural, I know a few and they all do this kind of thing. I would just have a chat with him and explain that the finger wagging isn't acceptable here.

Wow, who is being racist now?!

Bringing race into a non-race related discussion pushes the agenda that races are different and should be treated differently x

Whether it's cultural or not (and I'm married to a 58 year old South African who certainly does not behave like that!) you need to politely tell this man that in the UK those habits of his can be interpreted as aggressive and rude.

You are the racist one. He’ll have lived half his life, the more recent half, under majority black rule. If he was racist he would have bailed years ago, don’t you think?

I’ve worked with a number of South Africans over the years. Not known any to be racist.

Saying a white middle-aged South African man, who will have lived half his life under majority black rule, has to be racist is racism and sexism with a side dollop of ageism from YOU.

Slow hand clap.