SH scars + DD(8)s friend

[cannedup]

I have a lot of self harm scars all over my thighs. They’re all 10+ years old so mostly faded to white but are raised and very obvious.

Will be taking dd(8) + friend away during the summer where I would be like to be in a swimming costume + shorts.

If you were friends parents what would you like/ expect me to do here?

I have children age 10 and 8 and I wouldn't expect you to cover self harm scars. I'm not convinced they'd noticed but if they did and asked me I'd explain in an age appropriate way.

One of my daughter's sports coaches has self harm scars/ marks sometimes are quite recent and I don't think the children have ever noticed.

As the other parent I think I’d hope that you had a prepared and appropriate answer in case she asked, but one you were comfortable with and also that you felt comfortable that you were able to shut down any further questions in a polite and firm way.

I wouldn't expect you to do anything. Has your daughter mentioned them or asked about them? Do you have the friend around often?

I would chat with other parent on a prepared response if the child asks.

Nothing. My DD is unlikely to notice and if she did, would not think much about it.

Children rarely notice these things tbh. And ‘I wasn’t well’ covers all manner of explanations. If friend DC pushes it I’d say that medical stuff is private and leave it there.

I have self harm scars and used to work with kids, I always just said they were from when I was poorly but I’m all better now

If it reassures you, I’m covered in scars from a lengthy period as an IV drug user (last used 13 years ago so long before being a mum!), including abscesses which had to be drained and stitched so quite obvious stitch scars, and old sunken blue veins up the inside of my thighs and my son and his friends who have seen them (I wear shorts in the summer) has never even asked, let alone what they actually are from.
but I agree with pp, have a child-friendly response ready so you can explain them away in a way which doesn’t make you flustered and therefore more obvious that it’s’a thing’ IFSWIM 👊

Yes, I would of course be happy to answer and have prepared answers for different age children, I think at I would like to say ‘That I wasn’t very well and hurt my self thinking it might make me feel better but that it didn’t work’ is that reasonable?

they are very obvious, very raised and at least 100+ of them, people definitely notice.

I would be so upset if another parent put the idea of self harm into my child's head. It's rude to ask about scars though, there must be a nice way of shutting down questions on that basis

I wouldn’t over explain. Just say ‘they are from a long time ago when I wasn’t very well’ and leave it at that.

Does your daughter know where they are from? Her friend may well ask your daughter if she’s curious instead of you.

Thankyou, yes I do think it’s unlikely dds friend would actually ask. she’s a lovely polite little girl and by that age it’s generally understood that it’s rude to ask/comment on someone’s appearance.

I guess my concern is that she might be upset or even just curious and go home and ask her parents and they would be upset/annoyed that I exposed it to her and should have talked to them first.

I think that's too much information. I wouldn't be happy with my DC finding out about self harm like that. PPs have suggested saying it's from when you weren't well but you're better now, that seems more appropriate to me.

That's too much of an explanation for someone else's child. It opens up too many questions especially when you'll be the only adult who gets to answer them

A simple "i wasn't well and am better" type response is better.

At OP I really think this response it the most appropriate, I wouldn't appreciate someone telling my 8yo that they had hurt themselves. Keep it simple, obviously you can explain whatever way you feel is best for your own child but the above is telling the truth without telling too much.

I wouldn't go into that much detail. Saying they from a long time ago when you were poorly is enough. An 8 year ild will accept that. I doubt they will even ask.

I would never tell someone else’s child I had hurt myself to make myself feel better, or put any idea of self harm in their head.

Can’t you say they were from an accident a long time ago or from a sickness?

Agree with pp, if she asks, you can just say they are from when you weren’t well but that you’re better now. She won’t realise exactly what they are until she’s a bit older (if she even remembers at all) by which time she will understand why you didn’t explain it to her when she was 8.

You don’t owe her parents any sort of preemptive explanation for them, just as you wouldn’t if you had surgical scars or burns.

Does your daughter know where they are from? Her friend may well ask your daughter if she’s curious instead of you.

This is a really good point. OP, what will your DD say if the friend asks her and your DD tells the truth as she knows it?

As someone with lots of scars on my arms and legs from cutting and primary school aged kids, I have had a couple of my kids friends ask (many also havent). My 7 year old knows but that was my choice to have that conversation - it isn't one I'd have with anyone else's child as it isn't my place to (in my opinion). Agree with ppl, you were poorly for a while is enough. Hope it goes OK, it's a tricky one to navigate.

Doesnt saying they’re from when I was poorly but I’m better now suggest I did it too myself anyway?
I guess my thinking is that it’s a not a proper answer and they would just be left confused with assumptions and more questions at that age but happy to do that if the majority think that’s best

I would also be really annoyed if you introduced the notion of self harm to my 8 year old. A simple response which just mentions being unwell is enough.

I hope you’re well now OP 💐

Kids always notice. That’s in response to the people who have been saying they won’t.
and they will ask someone else even if they don’t ask you. Hopefully if they don’t ask you they ask someone appropriate.
I would go with the suggestion above about being poorly before but better now. But no mention of SH in itself as that’s opening a door that is hard to close and it will piss off other parents no end.

Nah, it's a bit like if you had stretch marks, surgery scars etc

I've got multiple scars and kids have been satisfied with that. People wouldn't be explaining things like breastcancer scars to other people's kids either

The problem with saying you did it to yourself, or even if you said something about your head not being well is that it opens a really big conversation that is a place for parents.

Mental health and especially the idea people hurt themselves is likely to be something that the kid hasn't encountered much before, and can't understand initially so will likely be more confused by that.

They will have experience of scars from illness in someway

My dd fully understands and has had prepared answers she can give when someone’s asked her but I will talk to her and update before hand.

In the past she has tended to just say she doesn’t know and I’ve just always had them. This girl is her best friend I can see her see her being comfortable giving more of answer now so will definitely talk to her again about it.