Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Why am I so weird about attending some events that I know I'll actually enjoy?

37 replies

DancingDucks · 14/04/2025 13:47

I don't know why I'm like this sometimes. I've been invited to a friend's house in a couple of weeks. It's the kind of evening I really enjoy - dinner and drinks with close friends. It's not far from my house so there's no worries about getting there and back.

I don't want to go. I have no idea why as it'll be a great night and I'll wish I'd gone the following day. I don't know why I'm like this. People would probably say that I'm an extrovert as I'm chatty, sociable etc but actually covet time in my own so I don't know why I feel like this sometimes.

Is anyone else like this or am I just odd?

OP posts:
Maitri108 · 14/04/2025 13:57

It's very common not to be arsed to do things.

canthavethatonethen · 14/04/2025 14:01

Maitri108 · 14/04/2025 13:57

It's very common not to be arsed to do things.

It's more than that though.

OP - I'm like that too, and swerved two separate (and entirely different) events this last weekend, both of which I know I'd have really enjoyed if I'd gone.

Maitri108 · 14/04/2025 14:03

canthavethatonethen · 14/04/2025 14:01

It's more than that though.

OP - I'm like that too, and swerved two separate (and entirely different) events this last weekend, both of which I know I'd have really enjoyed if I'd gone.

Show quote history

What's the reason behind it then?

BearSoFair · 14/04/2025 14:03

I can be exactly the same OP. When I force myself to push past the 'don't want to' feeling I always end up having a really good time - just last week I dragged myself out to a gig but came home having had the best evening!

canthavethatonethen · 14/04/2025 14:04

Maitri108 · 14/04/2025 14:03

What's the reason behind it then?

Show quote history

We don't know. That's presumably the reason the OP started the thread.

LetsWatchTheFlowersGrow · 14/04/2025 14:05

I’m exactly the same. I think it’s a type of anxiety.

Maitri108 · 14/04/2025 14:06

canthavethatonethen · 14/04/2025 14:04

We don't know. That's presumably the reason the OP started the thread.

Show quote history

Yet you dismissed my explanation and said there was more to it. Surely you have an idea.

canthavethatonethen · 14/04/2025 14:08

Maitri108 · 14/04/2025 14:06

Yet you dismissed my explanation and said there was more to it. Surely you have an idea.

Show quote history

It isn't that I can't be arsed. It's more like a feeling of dread that I'm obliged to do something, and it's a relief to back out, even when I actually want to go.

Maitri108 · 14/04/2025 14:11

canthavethatonethen · 14/04/2025 14:08

It isn't that I can't be arsed. It's more like a feeling of dread that I'm obliged to do something, and it's a relief to back out, even when I actually want to go.

Show quote history

Same for me. I can't be bothered to go as I'd rather slob out at home.

MummytoE · 14/04/2025 14:14

I could have written your post word for word. Don't know how many things I've cancelled cause of anxiety. When I do force myself to go I always have a fantastic time and are the life and soul of party, if I do say so myself 😂

OfDragonsDeep · 14/04/2025 14:16

I do this too, but if it’s something that I have previously looked forward too or happily booked/arranged then I make myself go as I know I will be annoyed with myself for cancelling. However, I am also much firmer on saying no to things I don’t want to do upfront now. Life’s easier not having to make excuses for things.

Butterbeanbutterbo · 14/04/2025 14:19

My best friend does this due to anxiety. Could it be that? The longer we have before a ‘thing’ the more likely she is to not go, often coming up with quite complex reasons for not ‘being able to’. If something interesting or important happens at quite short notice she is more likely to go. It’s almost like the planning time gives her time to get more stressed about it?

Often when we do do things she emphasises how much she has enjoyed it and how she should make time to do things like that more often

largeprintagathachristie · 14/04/2025 14:21

I really recognise this.
Usually giving myself a good talking to works.

I had a long long stretch of being single where it was particularly bad - I talked myself out of going to things.

It’s not laziness, more anxiety.
And yep, even if I was pretty sure I’d have a great time!

Original poster
DancingDucks · 14/04/2025 14:42

Maitri108 · 14/04/2025 14:03

What's the reason behind it then?

Show quote history

I honestly don't know why I'm like this. I don't suffer from anxiety (I get anxious about things that everyone gets anxious about but that's all) so I don't know why I feel like this at all, I wish I did.

OP posts:
ThirdStorm · 14/04/2025 14:43

I get a little anxiety. I arrange things (be it social or work) and then in the run up I start questioning why I did that, how could I get out of it, etc. I go, and its great and I feel fine. I just try to be organised and well planned if its somewhere I haven't been before and that eases anxiety. I also don't try to do too many things all in the same week, it would overload me.

Original poster
DancingDucks · 14/04/2025 14:48

I absolutely recognise when people say the longer something is arranged in advance the less I feel like going. I often agree to things months in advance, often paying for them (like gigs, tickets etc), then I don't want to go. I usually force myself to go anyway because I hate to let people down but it doesn't alter the fact that I don't want to go.

OP posts:
MummytoE · 14/04/2025 14:51

DancingDucks · 14/04/2025 14:48

I absolutely recognise when people say the longer something is arranged in advance the less I feel like going. I often agree to things months in advance, often paying for them (like gigs, tickets etc), then I don't want to go. I usually force myself to go anyway because I hate to let people down but it doesn't alter the fact that I don't want to go.

How do you feel about hosting? So you still get to see people but don't need to go out?

Original poster
DancingDucks · 14/04/2025 14:52

MummytoE · 14/04/2025 14:51

How do you feel about hosting? So you still get to see people but don't need to go out?

Show quote history

Exactly the same if I'm honest. We host fairly often but I don't enjoy it til it's over and I know that everyone has had a good time.

OP posts:
noidea69 · 14/04/2025 14:54

do you like the attention you get though from saying that your are not going though?

do you like people saying "oh come along, you'll have a great time" etc etc

BigDahliaFan · 14/04/2025 15:03

LetsWatchTheFlowersGrow · 14/04/2025 14:05

I’m exactly the same. I think it’s a type of anxiety.

Me too, I make a million excuses to myself not to go - and then the next day wish I had. And when I do make myself go to things, I either really enjoy them or at least have a story to tell....

Beer festival this weekend - I could easily have talked myself out of going - and enough were going in the group I was going with that it would have made no difference my dropping out. But I went and it was fine - not the best night ever - but I was glad I went

NoctuaAthene · 14/04/2025 15:17

I think it's a very common feeling, I get it too. I get it particularly badly actually for something big like a holiday or day outing, even where I've planned it meticulously myself to meet all my own preferences and wishes. I always end up feeling as though I'd much rather not go! I think a lot of people get that but unless it's a case of really crippling and distressing anxiety you need to find ways to push yourself through it.

My own pet theory as to why, is that it's to do with transitions, and I'm not talking just about the journey to get somewhere although that can be an issue, more just the act of moving yourself from being at home alone or with your family to in public or at someone else's house, with other people. You know how with little kids they wail and tantrum that they don't want to go to the park, then when they're there they wail and tantrum that they don't want to go home again? It's usually nothing to do with how much they do or don't want to be at the park, and rationally they don't actually want to either never go to the park again or stay at the park forever even if that's what they claim. It's the transition anxiety that gets them (neurodiverse kids get it particularly badly in my unexpert experience and need even more help and preparation for changes of activity). Obviously as an adult you've largely learnt to control and manage your emotions so you don't (usually) fling yourself onto the floor and have to be fireman's lifted to the car screaming 😂 but I think it's much the same emotion deep down. Some kind of difficulty adjusting to change of environment and/or primal anxiety coming out when you have to change what you're doing and suddenly be a different version of yourself/doing something very different to what you were doing before.

How to manage it, I'd think of managing your inner toddler. Don't give too much credence to the shouty voice saying everything is terrible and nothing can be done. Check your hunger, thirst and tiredness levels as this is often the root cause of bad temper and the can't be arsed feeling. Give yourself frequent (but not too far in advance or you'll forget or wind yourself up) warnings of the transition coming up and breaking down the steps necessary to actually leave the house e.g. right, we know we need to leave the house at 5pm for dinner at Sue's. We need to do hair and makeup next, then put on shoes and coats. Then we'll get in the car. Come on now, you're going to have a lovely time. I literally sometimes have a mum internal monologue like that going for myself all day long, I even resort to bribing myself sometimes, I have in fact contemplated making myself a star chart Blush . I don't know, maybe this is only me but I find it helps!

peppermintcrumble · 14/04/2025 15:22

I am exactly the same and I think it’s social anxiety. I’m usually glad if I push through it and go.

peppermintcrumble · 14/04/2025 15:23

NoctuaAthene · 14/04/2025 15:17

I think it's a very common feeling, I get it too. I get it particularly badly actually for something big like a holiday or day outing, even where I've planned it meticulously myself to meet all my own preferences and wishes. I always end up feeling as though I'd much rather not go! I think a lot of people get that but unless it's a case of really crippling and distressing anxiety you need to find ways to push yourself through it.

My own pet theory as to why, is that it's to do with transitions, and I'm not talking just about the journey to get somewhere although that can be an issue, more just the act of moving yourself from being at home alone or with your family to in public or at someone else's house, with other people. You know how with little kids they wail and tantrum that they don't want to go to the park, then when they're there they wail and tantrum that they don't want to go home again? It's usually nothing to do with how much they do or don't want to be at the park, and rationally they don't actually want to either never go to the park again or stay at the park forever even if that's what they claim. It's the transition anxiety that gets them (neurodiverse kids get it particularly badly in my unexpert experience and need even more help and preparation for changes of activity). Obviously as an adult you've largely learnt to control and manage your emotions so you don't (usually) fling yourself onto the floor and have to be fireman's lifted to the car screaming 😂 but I think it's much the same emotion deep down. Some kind of difficulty adjusting to change of environment and/or primal anxiety coming out when you have to change what you're doing and suddenly be a different version of yourself/doing something very different to what you were doing before.

How to manage it, I'd think of managing your inner toddler. Don't give too much credence to the shouty voice saying everything is terrible and nothing can be done. Check your hunger, thirst and tiredness levels as this is often the root cause of bad temper and the can't be arsed feeling. Give yourself frequent (but not too far in advance or you'll forget or wind yourself up) warnings of the transition coming up and breaking down the steps necessary to actually leave the house e.g. right, we know we need to leave the house at 5pm for dinner at Sue's. We need to do hair and makeup next, then put on shoes and coats. Then we'll get in the car. Come on now, you're going to have a lovely time. I literally sometimes have a mum internal monologue like that going for myself all day long, I even resort to bribing myself sometimes, I have in fact contemplated making myself a star chart Blush . I don't know, maybe this is only me but I find it helps!

What a lovely and wise post! <considers making a star chart>

familyissues12345 · 14/04/2025 15:46

You sound like me OP, people think I’m an extrovert, I’m a smiley chatty person, but whilst I am that, I also find it exhausting keeping it up. So sometimes, I really don’t fancy doing the things I really enjoy usually doing

Original poster
DancingDucks · 14/04/2025 16:02

noidea69 · 14/04/2025 14:54

do you like the attention you get though from saying that your are not going though?

do you like people saying "oh come along, you'll have a great time" etc etc

No, I hate that which is why I usually end up going even though I don't want to.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread