How do I know / decide whether to end a friendship of nearly 19 years?

[sunshineandstarsgirl]

If I write here exactly what happened in my friendship with this lady, I am 100% sure every single one of you will tell me to end the friendship. But, too much to write here.

Summary of our friendship: She is there for me when things are bad in my life. But, gets jealous when ANYTHING good happens to me. She is insecure about her physical looks: so that could be a reason. But, as far as I know, she has a supportive husband and children. She has a great job.

Most times, I feel like ending the friendship. But, sometimes I think she knows so much about me- it would be easier to keep her in my life. I mean, I don't have to go out and make new friends if I have her.

She has given me some crappy advice/suggestions in the past which I followed without questioning and as a result, messed things up for me BIG TIME.

Sometimes, I think I hate her as I am filled with anger towards some of the things she said to me and how she spoke to me.

What should I do?

You need to call her out on her behaviour at the time.

You don't sound as if you like her very much.

’Most of the time I feel like ending the friendship’ ….

…then you absolutely should.

Then, invest time reflecting why you followed her bad advice, and why you’ve stayed in the friendship so long, beyond it serving you?

I think you should stop taking advice without thinking it through first.

FINISH IT NOW

@sunshineandstarsgirl

"She has given me some crappy advice/suggestions in the past which I followed without questioning and as a result, messed things up for me BIG TIME."

why would you follow anyone's advice without questioning them? I mean, even a solicitor advising you on a case will need questioning occasionally!

I think you should stop blaming other people for bad advice, it’s up to you whether you take it or not.

But otherwise, if she is that awful, then of course you are entitled to end the friendship. It doesn’t sound that you like her that much and YWBU to keep her around just because it saves you making other friends.

UPDATE: I still haven't ended this friendship.
I just realised that she made me dependent on her by encouraging me to tell her everything about my life. And I cannot stop that habit of confiding in her or maybe I don't know how to?

I notice that whenever I talk to her now, for a few days after talking to her, I feel resentful of how she spoke to me in the past.

I am so used to her that I feel scared to completely let go of her.

No mean comments please!

She hasn’t made you do anything.

This sounds like a 'you' problem rather than a 'friend' problem.
How exactly is she making you do all of these things? I assume she isn't holding a gun to your head!
No-one can make you dependant on them, you need to change your thinking- you allowed yourself to become dependant on someone.
Are you particularly vulnerable in some way?

Can't you provide more info. Is it you don't line the advise or is she rude and overstepping

Yes, you are right, I need to change my thinking.

She is rude and overstepping.

When I was in a long-distance relationship a few years ago, she got so jealous when I first told her about it. Like, this guy, let us call him Robert - Robert said a flirty thing to me over the phone- a sweet and innocent statement. I told my "friend" about this. As soon as I shared it with her, the cow said: "If he really cared about you, he wouldn't have said that."

Like what she said to me made no sense. Robert was just flirting. I don't know why I didn't pick up on her jealousy at that time (4 years ago). Maybe I was too trusting/naive/too forgiving- not qualities that has served me well unfortunately.

You clearly need someone to lean on in your life, to confide in and all that. I'm afraid she is not the right person for that role. She isn't very nice to you and seems to enjoy it when things go wrong for you. You seriously don't need someone in your life who behaves like that and uses you to bolster her own ego.

It really doesn't matter that she knows 'everything' about your life. That is no reason to keep her as a friend because she is not going to change the way she treats you. You are putting all your eggs in one basket.

Look up the Sunk Cost Fallacy.

Perhaps you also need to find out why you need to confide in someone so much. What about your own family? Do you have a partner?

You sound way too invested in her, and codependent. It’s not a huge deal what she says or advises you to do - you’re the one imbuing it with power. It feels like you need her to ground you, make you feel seen and in connection, whether you like her or not.

OP, you are blaming her for things that are your fault, or at least your responsibility. No one can make you confide in them, or depend on them. Those are your choices, and you’ve said yourself why you made those choices — because you ‘didn’t have to go out and make new friends’ if you had her in your life. Think about that. Do you really want to spend the next 19 years in a ‘friendship’ you don’t enjoy, with a woman you don’t appear to like, purely because you’re too unmotivated to make new friends? Don’t you have any other than this woman?

And yes, as a pp said, I’d also be thinking about this intense need you seem to have to confide in this woman, and to blame her for your decision to follow her advice, when it didn’t turn out well. She’s a useful fall guy for you in many ways, OP, but that’s no reason to continue a ‘friendship’.

Exactly. She is not responsible for you taking advice. You are! Don't do things that leave you worse off. And if you do, own the decision, don't blame someone else for it. You say she resents you but it seems mutual.

‘The cow said’ wtf!

????

As soon as I shared it with her, the cow said: "If he really cared about you, he wouldn't have said that."

you are referring to this person as a friend and a cow in the same breath. I don’t think you are great friend either tbh.

Do you have other friends OP who are more relaxing to be with?

She has never spoken to me in a good way. She is jealous towards me and she herself told me other people have told her she is arrogant.

I don't care what you think. I don't have to say nice things about my "friend" who is toxic.

I had a friend like this. Very successful, very insecure. Constant jabs about my weight (I was skinny, she hated me for it) about my relationship (I was happy, she wasn’t) constant bitching to our other friend about me. She was what they’d call a ‘frenemy’.

Getting rid of her was the best thing I ever did. Sadly, it cost me mutual friendships but my mental health and wellbeing was worth it. I’ve since met some incredible, normal friends and I’m very thankful for them.

Ditch her then prepare to take a few years to heal from what you’ve put up with. It’ll be worth it.

Thank you dear for understanding. Xxxxx