Parents with a child in prison

[Needtofacereality]

i am just interested if you a have child in prison why are they in, what crime did they commit/found guilty of?
how long will they be in for ?
do you visit ?
have you forgiven them?
have you lost friends/family because of their actions.

i saw another thread about what happens to other children if their siblings goes to prison. It just got me thinking.
hoping this doesn’t offend anyone I am just curious.

Do you mean a "child" as in under 18, or an adult. Because the former would be incredibly outing given the small number (and they go to secure centres, not prison)? And in all honesty, even with adult children I think people are unlikely to wish to discuss this given the MN propensity to turn nasty.

Maybe you’ll get some replies OP but it seems a very painful and terrible experience to be ‘just curious’ about. Have you had personal experience?

To be honest either, obviously if it was a partner you can walk away and essentially cut them out of your life while I know that is possible with a children obviously you will always be family regardless to if you don’t see them.

I appreciate people may not want to share I am more interested in how it has affected the person replying. Yes I agree MN can be nasty that’s why I posted it in chat and not AIBU which seems to be the harsh of the boards.

If I had a child in prison I’m not sure I’d want to spill my most intimate feelings about it for your idle curiosity.

Both my uncles went to prison, my mams brothers. My nana found it very difficult but she stuck by them, they lived in a rough area in london at the time and they got mixed up with gangs, thankfully it was just "small" crimes they seemed involved in, petty theft, selling cannabis etc. I say small because the gang was notorious for assault and stabbing. They both did time between the ages of, maybe 19 - 25 ? They were actually placed into separate prisons so my nana fought for them to be placed together and closer to home. She never lost friends, but she did lose a job. She was working cash in hand at a pub and they let her go. She used to get the transfer bus for visitors directly to the prison every weekend. When they got out she moved the whole family to a different part of the UK and they've never been in trouble since.

@BitOutOfPractice thats absolutely fine I fully appreciate some people wouldn’t want to share. However some people may not mind.

@Quiceinalifetime I have absolutely no experience despite watching prison/police programs which I guess is where the curiosity comes from I can’t imagine the devastation it could cause I just want to understand how people coped any repercussions someone’s crime has caused their wider family.

@Mamofboys5972 thank you for sharing, it’s amazing that your uncles were able to turn things around. No doubt that was in part down to the support from your Nana.

This isn’t true. Although the number of juveniles in prison has halved in the last 10 years there are still in the region of 600 15-18 year olds in custody. Not in secure units but in prison. There are around 25,000 20 somethings in custody and a high proportion of them are repeat offenders, have been in prison since their juvenile and HMYOI days.

Its not going to be outing by any stretch of the imagination to say your Son is 19 and served 8 months for possession of class As with intent to supply 🤷🏽‍♀️

I taught a lovely girl. She asked to speak to me after I had taught her for a couple of months and revealed that her father was in prison for murder. He was a drug dealer and somebody disrespected him in someway. He went to the victim’s house with a knife and stabbed him to death.
She was anxious to make clear that he was in prison for murder and not because he was a paedophile. I was careful not to judge and never mentioned it to anyone outside the pastoral team. Obviously, pastoral staff knew but they would never reveal the situation to anyone not in a need to know role.
She was a bright, well behaved girl, more than capable of university. They had previously lived in a large house and her mother didn’t work. They had been rehoused by the Council in a pretty but small HA town house. Her mother was sticking by her husband. She now had a job.
They all loved her father and the daughter completely minimised murder. She obviously believed that as long as he wasn’t a paedophile, any other crime was understandable.
She was obviously hugely upset. I think she possibly wanted me to ‘absolve’ him of a terrible crime. I hope she received professional counselling and advice. I found it hard to reconcile such a lovely girl with such an evil Dad. I found it hard to accept the way she had been groomed to minimise the crime in her mind.

Not according to the government: https://www.gov.uk/age-of-criminal-responsibility and I was questioning the use of the term "child" - 600 is a very low number and not at all that difficult to be outing given the kinds of crimes that 15 - 18 year olds typically end up with custodial sentences for. I do not class someone over 18 as a child, and nor does the law - hence the question.

Could you point me to the evidence that says offenders under the age of 18 are sent to prison?

I worked in one of several HMYOI establishments. Back when there were 2500 15-18 year olds in custody.

Wetherby, Feltham, Parc, Werrington, Lancaster Farms, Deerbolt. I could go on. All prisons which hold or used to hold under 18 prisoners. They are prisons, with all the aspects of a prison you would expect.

You’d be surprised at “the type of crimes” these “children” commit. And how often. Obviously we lock them up less these days but all that translates to is yet an even longer list of pre-convictions when they hit the adult estate. That’s cutbacks for you

@Needtofacereality

Which paper are you writing for?

Feels like a fishing journo to me.

Usually people post their own experiences first rather than just getting strangers to share personal potentially upsetting details.

Convenient wording in that link. As ever, you need to read between the lines. No, juveniles do not go to adult prisons. That means they do not go to prisons which are also housing adults at the same time.

The cells, wings, regimes, officers etc are all exactly the same. Several of the prisons I mentioned have re-roled to adult male prisons. There are a few minor differences in holding juveniles, such as you wouldn’t use a baton as a restraint technique, in the same way you wouldn’t in the female estate. But it’s the same otherwise.

@LadyGucci I can assure you I am not a journalist

I have no experiences as I have mentioned other than that I have seen on tv, just mildly curious about crime and how it affects people.

@Borrowandmiss poor girl almost like it had been normalised for her and some behaviours not matter how terrible could be justified.

That may be the case - but it is still custody not a leisure centre. You have confirmed that offenders under the age of 18 do not go to prisons, which is what I said - they are held in secure centres. I am not sure how you think that they can secure a centre without security.

In reference to the discussion regarding young offenders not going to prisons where adults are also held - in some cases, they do. Prisons aren't a one size fits all deal. I see so many comments online saying this happens and that happens in prison when actually, prisons can vary massively in terms of how things are done.

I have experience of prison and the young offenders ate in the same dining hall as us at meal times and were simply housed in their own building at night. They used all the same facilities as the adults, often at the same time.

Ok 🤣 if you want to think that then go ahead. Makes no difference to me but you are wrong.

Interesting. There is some contact briefly in split sites I know, visits and healthcare etc. Think I might know the jail you’re referring to but I didn’t know they held juvies.

My sibling was a suspect in a murder. All parties involvied died and I don't think we will ever know the truth about what happened.

Had sibling survived they would I assume have been in prison. I can't imagine how they would have coped with that tbh. I don't think they did it but i don't know how it could have been proved otherwise without a confession from someone else.

Had they been sent to prison, without them confessing I don't think I would have believed they were guilty and would have tried to support them

I have name changed to post this as this linked with my usual posts is identifying.

I did two years at 18 in the early 90s. I can't say i enjoyed it, but it was the best thing that could've happened to me. My posh, religious parents where horrified and terrified for me in equal measure.

DC who are sexually abused sometimes normalis it too. Probably because that's all they have ever known until they moved into care.

I know a young female who went to prison for holding a gun for a young man. Or he had dumped it there and she felt forced to keep it, I don't know. She was made an example though. She was lovely. Hope she is okay.

Adult in the prison service refers to 21s and over. Young offenders are 18 to 20. Juveniles are under 18. Some prisons have 18-20 year olds mixing with 21 and over, but not many.

One of my ex's is still in prison for attempted murder ( on me).. threw me under a moving bus.. I'm severely disabled as a result.. physically and mentally. .. 30 years ago.
His parents and siblings (and most friends ) disowned him.
I hope he rots in hell!

That's certainly not been my experience - I've worked in YOI, Cat C, women, and Sex Offenders establishments.

YOI was the most volatile by far. The regime was different in that there was no freedom of movement through the estate - everyone always escorted. Education was compulsory and a painful experience for all involved. In adults this was much easier to manage and those who didn't want to be in education at least had alternative options. YOI's are hideous places and a melting pot of crimes whereas in adults jails there is some segregation ie. VIP wings or Cat A/B/C.

There was no one size fits all to family relationships. Some families stick by no matter the heinous nature of the crimes - think SA against younger sibling and then went on to reoffend against sibling's friend a few years later but all still stand by him including abused sibling. Some never had visits at all. Some very, very damaged kids in YOI who go on to become very damaged adults.

Me DDs step sister on her dads side went to prison at 18. He and his new wife deny it even though a google of her name brings up the whole case and her photo. I only found out a few years ago my DDs friend told my dd due to the local press coverage she found googling names on line.
she’s in 30s now but her life hasn’t really amounted to much I suspect because of what she did. My DDs like her and I hope it’s all behind her and she has a lovely life