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Original poster

Husband lying about working late

44 replies

Capybara6473 · 07/04/2025 17:05

My DH and I have a 7 month old baby. I’m on mat leave and he works full time.

He has just messaged me that he will likely be home late due a busy project at work. Which is fine and happens not infrequently. Except he has WhatsApp on his laptop which I was using (to update our babies sleep diary for the sleep consultant as it happens), and he’s actually just agreed to go out for drinks with a friend. The friend is male, I know him quite well and I have no suspicions about an affair/anything romantic etc.

I am however really hacked off that DH is lying about working late to go out drinking with his mates and leaving me holding the baby. For what it’s worth I’ve asked DH not to go to a social event since the baby was born, he does something probably once a week and I try to make sure he has time to still pursue hobbies eg. he went cycling for three hours this weekend. DS is still breastfed so I don’t have quite the same opportunities to be away from the baby.

If I make I clear to DH I know I’ll just get chapter and verse about having invaded his privacy, but nor do I want to do nothing about him lying to me like this. What on earth do I do.

OP posts:

Winifredtabago · 07/04/2025 17:08

Just explain to him how you found out, as you have done on here, and then say you are unhappy that he has lied to you. Simple. Unless of course the way you found out involved more snooping than you are letting on.

yeesh · 07/04/2025 17:13

I would message him and ask if he knows his WhatsApp is on the laptop

Obvnotthegolden · 07/04/2025 17:13

For what it’s worth I’ve asked DH not to go to a social event since the baby was born,

Do I understand this correctly that your DH hasn't been able to go to any social event in 7 months? So he's not been for a drink with a mate in that time?
That you know of, obviously.

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6-9 months old Babies & sleep Families Relationship problems

BlondeMummyto1 · 07/04/2025 17:14

He shouldn’t have to lie. It’s not fair to tell anyone they can’t do something.

Original poster

Capybara6473 · 07/04/2025 17:16

Obvnotthegolden · 07/04/2025 17:13

For what it’s worth I’ve asked DH not to go to a social event since the baby was born,

Do I understand this correctly that your DH hasn't been able to go to any social event in 7 months? So he's not been for a drink with a mate in that time?
That you know of, obviously.

No sorry that’s a typo! I’ve NOT asked him not to go to a social event since the baby was born. I’ve be perfectly supportive of him going out which he does once a week or so.

OP posts:

saveforthat · 07/04/2025 17:17

Obvnotthegolden · 07/04/2025 17:13

For what it’s worth I’ve asked DH not to go to a social event since the baby was born,

Do I understand this correctly that your DH hasn't been able to go to any social event in 7 months? So he's not been for a drink with a mate in that time?
That you know of, obviously.

I think she probably meant to say I have not asked

MinistryofThyme · 07/04/2025 17:17

Do you mean you’ve asked him not to go to social events since the birth of your child, or you’ve never told him he can’t go? It’s not clear and that’s what this issue hinges on.

MinistryofThyme · 07/04/2025 17:18

X posted! He shouldn’t lie then. I’d be pretty pissed off, and I’d be more than happy to say so. He is eroding your trust.

WeeOrcadian · 07/04/2025 17:19

Hang on, so he goes about roughly once a week anyway, then feels the need to lie about tonight?

When do YOU get a night out?

What else has he lied / is he lying about?

I'd be tempted to say NOTHING then ask him why he smells of booze after 'working late'

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 07/04/2025 17:20

I wouldnt say anything

If you ever do suspect an affair, there goes your way of finding proof x

Original poster

Capybara6473 · 07/04/2025 17:21

Sorry, I’ve completely cocked up with the typo in the OP which I don’t think I can edit.

In the time since our baby has been born I have never asked my husband not to go to a social event, be it drinks/dinner/hobbies etc. He sees his friends fairly regularly, and has at least one night a week where is is back later than usual. He’s not a big drinker or anything and is good about letting me know when he will be back and where he is (or so I have always thought!)

OP posts:

Ofcoursehesthefkingfarmer · 07/04/2025 17:22

I wouldn’t have an issue with him going out socially after work if it’s not every day.

I would have massive beef with him lying to me about going out.

When either one of us is working flat out at work there is a lot of respect/pulling for eachother - I came home late from work on Friday with a frazzled brain, husband had put children to bed and made me supper. I can’t even imagine how guilty I would feel if I’d been out for drinks whilst he was holding the fort.

ohnowwhatcanitbe · 07/04/2025 17:27

I agree, it's not the going out that's the real issue - it's the lying that's the problem.

BoycottingAmericanGoods · 07/04/2025 17:28

Winifredtabago · 07/04/2025 17:08

Sre you the husband here?

It doesn't matter that she snooped. The important facts are that she has caught him lying to her, and that he is skybing off to the pub when he should be coming home to him family.

To the OP - stand firmon this one and don't let him deflect with his "chapter and verse" on the evils of snooping. He has done you a wrong and needs to hear the riot act. He is not a singke man any more.

Winifredtabago · 07/04/2025 17:30

BoycottingAmericanGoods · 07/04/2025 17:28

Sre you the husband here?

It doesn't matter that she snooped. The important facts are that she has caught him lying to her, and that he is skybing off to the pub when he should be coming home to him family.

Show quote history

But that's what I'm saying there is no snooping anyway if it happened the way OP said it did. She is asking what on earth she does- but it seems pretty obvious- speak to your husband about him lying to you!

HopingForTheBest25 · 07/04/2025 17:30

It's a huge problem in a relationship when one partner lies as easily as they breathe, in order to get their own way or make their lives easier and nicer at your expense. It's
massively disrespectful and it means that you can never 100% trust what they say to you!

Think about what this really means - he doesn't care that your life will be a bit harder without the help, he would rather go for drinks than be at home with you, pulling his weight. And he feels just fine spinning you whatever bullshit will keep you quiet and compliant!

Your life has changed but his seems to be carrying on as normal with little compromise or adjustment - he's still getting to go on 3 hour bike rides and out socially and to work late (if you can ever believe that again) and still he has such little respect for you and all you do to keep his life lovely, that he lies. I think he's had it too good tbh and you've been far too accommodating.
Id absolutely lose my shit with him if I was in your shoes - there'd be no more indulging his hobbies at weekends and for every hour he gets to himself, I'd be making sure I got exactly the same (even if I was just sitting upstairs reading a book while baby is still wholly dependent on breast milk).

Don't allow him to spin this into you snooping - you weren't! And even if you had been, it's just as well because he is untrustworthy!

SJM1988 · 07/04/2025 17:34

I'd tell him you know he isn't working late.

I'd be very disappointed if my DH lied to me, esp when I had a baby at home.

It's not invading his privacy if you saw the messages on a shared laptop (or his laptop that he lets you have unlimited access too). My DH has access to my phone (and rarely used laptop) - If I lied and he saw something, it would be my issue for lying not his for seeing it on something I let him have access too, even if he has snooped and gone into my messages!

OttersAreMySpiritAnimal · 07/04/2025 17:35

I wonder why he felt the need to fib.
It does erode trust, and there's absolutely no need, so why lie?? That would make me far more suspicious than anything else.

converseandjeans · 07/04/2025 17:40

Apparently it’s quite common for men to do this so they can get out of doing bath & bedtime.
YANBU to be annoyed.

I would start introducing a bottle tbh & give yourself more freedom to go out & meet up with friends. Then he can stay home and do bedtime.

Why is it that men seem to be able to get large chunks of time to themselves? If it’s not after work drinks it’s cycling, fishing, football, golf & the list goes on!

treesandsun · 07/04/2025 17:42

How many other times has he told you he will be working late? I would be annoyed at the lying and I would be wondering if it is part of a wider pattern of him having even more time to himself where you do all the work with the baby.

Hatty65 · 07/04/2025 17:42

@HopingForTheBest25 sums it up perfectly. It is utterly disrespectful for him to lie through his teeth to you in this fashion.

I'd have nothing but contempt and complete loss of respect for him now, and frankly I'd make it clear to him that I was rethinking our marriage. This type of crap is an absolute deal breaker for me and I'd struggle to ever look at him in the same way again.

Unless he was on his knees begging for forgiveness and immediately stepping up to do 50% from now on I'd genuinely be looking at whether to separate.

Gymnopedie · 07/04/2025 17:45

He has just messaged me that he will likely be home late due a busy project at work. Which is fine and happens not infrequently.

And I wonder how many of those times were drinks with friends. I'd bet my last pot of face cream this isn't the first time he's lied.

DelphiniumBlue · 07/04/2025 17:45

It sounds as if you have access to his WhatsApp, if that's the case I'd message the friend as DH saying, "sorry will have to cancel as I am working late this evening".

soarklyknobs · 07/04/2025 17:46

Message him back saying:

”Don’t “work” too hard, whilst I’m at home caring for our child, and say Hi to Dave from me.

P.S. We will discuss how corrosive lies are to a marriage when you get home.”

He’ll have several options here:

lie even more “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m not seeing Dave” etc (but presumably you’ve taken screenshots of the messages so he can’t gaslight you in this way)
Go on the attack. “Have you been spying on me, that’s not appropriate” but you weren’t spying, you completely innocently saw his messages
Apologise, and potentially come home.

Either way, you know you’re going to have to have a tough conversation with him, but bottom line is that lying to your spouse erodes trust and kills a marriage.

It’s now on his shoulders to prove to you every time that he says he’s working late, or going somewhere that he actually is doing why he says and HE put himself in that position where you can no longer trust him.

What an idiot.

Obvnotthegolden · 07/04/2025 17:49

Capybara6473 · 07/04/2025 17:16

No sorry that’s a typo! I’ve NOT asked him not to go to a social event since the baby was born. I’ve be perfectly supportive of him going out which he does once a week or so.

Show quote history

Thank you, I thought it best to ask as I've read worse on mn!

So he has no self-justifying reason to lie.

Do you suspect he's lied about other times?

Lying when he doesn't need to gives the impression he has something to hide and I'd try and find out how far he'll take the lie or how often he's doing it, and access to WhatsApp seems key.

Or just have it out with him now and see what he says, you definitely have reason to be annoyed.

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