Husband lying about working late

[Capybara6473]

My DH and I have a 7 month old baby. I’m on mat leave and he works full time.

He has just messaged me that he will likely be home late due a busy project at work. Which is fine and happens not infrequently. Except he has WhatsApp on his laptop which I was using (to update our babies sleep diary for the sleep consultant as it happens), and he’s actually just agreed to go out for drinks with a friend. The friend is male, I know him quite well and I have no suspicions about an affair/anything romantic etc.

I am however really hacked off that DH is lying about working late to go out drinking with his mates and leaving me holding the baby. For what it’s worth I’ve asked DH not to go to a social event since the baby was born, he does something probably once a week and I try to make sure he has time to still pursue hobbies eg. he went cycling for three hours this weekend. DS is still breastfed so I don’t have quite the same opportunities to be away from the baby.

If I make I clear to DH I know I’ll just get chapter and verse about having invaded his privacy, but nor do I want to do nothing about him lying to me like this. What on earth do I do.

I like this actually. I’d be fuckin raging!

Part of me is hoping that it’s a total moment of madness and that he’s going to walk in the door shortly having cancelled.

I’m second guessing whether I’m some sort of hideous harridan that is forcing him to subterfuge, or that our current division of labour/free time is unfair given I’m on mat leave with a pretty easy baby.

That's not the issue, the issue is him lying to you. See what he says first as to why he thought he should lie to you.

This is just… weird! What on earth is he up to? On the face of it he has no reason to lie, because you don’t stop him doing his own thing anyway. Is Dave someone you loathe? Are they into some strange hobby that he’s embarrassed about? Or is it just that he was going to work late, then Dave said “come out for a drink” and he thought “sod work, I’m going to the pub” and just didn’t think to update you? I’d expect the latter tbh, unless he said “I’m working late” in the same breath as “absolutely Dave, I’m getting my jacket now”.

Trying to get positive, maybe the working late wasn’t a lie as such and he did intend to work late with the project. The drinks with his mate may have been a last minute invitation, either after finishing work late? or cutting his working time early.

Based on the messages it was planned several days ago, so not a spur of the moment thing. I’m just sort of hoping that when the moment actually comes (in about 45 mins!) he’ll see sense.

My cynical self says, are you’re sure it’s Dave he’s meeting, and not Davinia (been on mn too long and ‘working late’ often means affair , and Davinua could be saved on his phone as a male name).

I’d message him to say your child has got a fever, a strange rash and is puking and you’re on your way to a&e and see what he says - bonus points if he rushes to a&e. Honestly if he’s going to lie I’d play him at his own game!

Did he go for the drink?

Yes. He got home after I was asleep last night but we had it out this morning. He has no amazing excuse and is deeply apologetic.

I just feel completely gutted to be honest. I thought I could really trust him and that we were a real team in raising our baby. I can’t believe I’ve ended up living the sort of life where I’m sat at home helplessly holding the baby with my husband off doing god knows what with gods knows who. I know he hasn’t had an affair or anything but I just feel like I’m looking down the barrel of 20 years raising a child with a man who I can never quite trust and who always thinks my needs are less important than his own.

Well at least he admitted he lied and is sorry for it. In terms of your relationship if you are not happy with the amount of time he spends with friends etc then now is the time to be discussing this and making a change.

Stop being mummy martyr and go out yourself. Otherwise it comes across a bot like you're being a dog in the manger. Different if you desperately needed his help.

My baby is exclusively breastfed and will only take about an ounce from the bottle. I’m not sure it makes me a martyr to feel that being away from the baby is fairly tricky for me right now.

I have no problem with the amount my husband socialises, just with being lied to that he’s working when he’s not.

So I wonder why he felt the need to lie?

I’d be bloody cross and disappointed in him too and I’d make sure he knew that! You’ll now forever be wondering if he is actually working late or not. Stupid man.
It’s pretty disrespectful to leave your wife to solely look after the baby when you know you’re not working and you’re just blatantly lying.

I had dc that were similar. You could still go to an evening class, gym, a coffee with friends for a couple of hours. Mine would eat a petit filous from 6 months.

Saying sorry is easy - the real test is how he behaves going forward.
Your baby won't be exclusively bf for ever - the time will come when you get more freedom back. Make sure you claim what is rightfully your share of the leisure and the money that gets spent on it! I'm not saying ltb over this, although casual lying is no small thing imo, but definitely exercise caution and watch how he behaves from now on and don't tie yourself to another child until/unless you are completely sure of him.

Id certainly be putting a stop to all the freedom he's currently exercising as if he wasn't the father of a young child, since he's royally taken the piss here and should now be making sure that since you are stuck at home, he's there too, making your life easier and giving you a break, even if you can't really leave the baby for too long.

He's lying because he doesn't want to use up his imaginary going-out tokens and because he thinks he'll get away with it. I'd wonder what other small lies he is telling to manipulate reality and make himself look better.