Desperate for help - sensory clothing nightmare for autistic DD

[AllGonePeteTong1]

Posting this is chat because the SEN board is really quiet and as I said, I'm desperate.

DD (10) is autistic with ADHD. She has always had sensory issues but it's become so unmanageable in the last few months. I don't know whether it's the added pressures of year 5 (which she finds hard) or the onset of puberty, but it's a daily struggle to get her dressed. Weekends are no better than school days.

It's taking 2 hours of hysterical crying to get her dressed at the moment. It's like she's having a panic attack because she finds everything so uncomfortable. Pants seem to be the biggest trigger. We keep missing the start of school as a result. On Sunday she had to miss her friend's birthday party as she just couldn't get dressed and was so distressed.

We're at our wits end. We've got rid of all her clothes and started again with ultra soft pants (in every style), seamless socks and clothes that she has approved as comfortable. But still, every morning is the same.

I've tried putting on relaxing music and giving her a deep pressure massage before dressing, but that isn't working.

If anyone has got any tips at all, I'd be very grateful. We're due to go on holiday next week and I have visions of us having to cancel as we can't get her to the airport on time....

My DD was the same. How is she with shorts? We ended up having her live in loose dresses (shift style worked for us), either with sleeves or without sleeves, and then Buy Blue Dinosaur Kind to Skin Trunks 3 Pack (1.5-12yrs) from the Next UK online shop. They aren't tight like girl's pants tend to be, so she could view them as shorts and that seemed to help hugely.
What does she wear at night? We also found that wearing the pants at night, then switching them out for a fresh pair in the morning (we always did it when she went to the toilet, so she was pulling them down anyway), helped to reduce the sensory 'shock' of putting them on. Having her sleep in a vest, too, and then simply switching out the pyjamas for a dress and putting it over the vest and pants that she is already used to the sensation of helped.

Can she dress herself or does she need help? How about getting dressed under the covers while she's still in bed? Hand her the clothes while she's still comfy in bed. No shock of cold air against the skin or changing position. I used to do that when I was growing up, it was so much easier to get dressed like that. I am autistic.

Thank you for your reply @xmasdealhunter . She bizarrely can't abide skirts and she finds the too 'loose' so she wears skorts or leggings currently. Those pants look good, thank you for the suggestion! We'll give them a go. She does actually wear pants to bed so no idea why she then struggles in the morning. It's like once her skort goes over the top, they are no longer comfortable. I keep trying to persuade her to wear skirts, but she's not having it.

Or sleeping in her clothes? It's not the end of the world especially if what she wears is soft comfy stuff.

This, especially if she prefers tighter things. She might find the pants I linked above too loose, so worth trying boys boxers that are tight fitting also, as the leg comes further than the girl's ones but they're a close fit. Get some leggings she can sleep in, and just change her top.

My DD went through a phase of being rather resistant to dressing. Draping her clothes over a heated clothes airer/hanging them up in the airing cupboard beforehand, so they were warm, helped (although you have to be quick - they cool down fast!).

It's a good idea to let her sleep in her bottoms. Unfortunately the only leggings she will wear are fleece lined and far too hot now. Not sure how comfortable sleeping in a skort will be but we can certainly try it.

Are you trying to get her into some
semblance of school uniform? DS no longer wears uniform to school and life has been so much easier since. He just wears what he wants on any given day. Usually a hoodie and joggers. What does she wear by choice if not at school? DS’ school have been very understanding. There’s no doubt he learns better when he’s comfortable and not distracted.

Also agree with @TheSeaOfTranquility that DS can’t get into his (chosen!) clothes quickly enough if they’re nice and warm.

She is wearing PE kit every day to school now, so they are being accommodating. She wears on the bottom the same thing she wears at the weekend - whatever she is finding comfortable at the time. Currently that is a skort. But some days it just doesn't work for her. I might look into boys boxer shorts as pants are the main issue and the girls boxers don't come down far enough. They would need to be seamless though.

My dd wears girls boxers from H&M, plus bamboo socks from Amazon. Then joggers (not drawstring) or harem pant style soft trousers. That’s all she will wear.

@OxfordInkling Are the girls boxers from H&M soft? And please could you recommend some harem soft trousers? Thank you!

Try Brubeck Comfort Cotton - Boys Boxers - Seamfree — Sensory Smart.

Would she wear anti chafing shorts from M+S? They are very lightweight, seamless and comfy. Or their no VPL pants?
https://www.marksandspencer.com/2pk-shaping-shorts/p/clp60533883?color=WHITE

Those look perfect @xmasdealhunter, thank you!

Mine will only wear pants from "Your Fluffy Fix" - she's on Facebook and is incredibly helpful.

In my experience, my DD became increasingly problematic with clothing when she wasn't coping at school any longer. Also happened in year 5. She might be trying to find control in some area of her life.

Have had very similar struggles with DD8 who is also autistic and likely to receive an ADHD diagnosis. We have the opposite problem though in that she hates 'tight' clothes so can't abide things like tights and leggings, she even struggles with jogging bottoms if they're not really loose.

At the weekend she lives in one skort (that they don't make any more.. though have recently managed to get her another couple that she will tolerate!). Has just been wearing jogging bottoms and t-shirt for school, but had daily struggles.

Currently okay at the moment for school as she is happy with summer dresses which she has been wearing for past couple of weeks and will just continue with now (until the temp goes down to about 5 degrees!). However we also have the knickers problem... She has a drawer of about 50 pairs, of which there are three she will currently tolerate. However these have been ripped to shreds as we have to 'stretch' them.. I admit I also let her wear the same pair two or three days in a row as she seems to find them more comfortable once worn already.

I have to say though that her clothing struggles seem to be intrinsically linked to her general anxieties and specifically about school. Although we still had struggles at the weekend, if we were doing something that she wasn't feeling anxious about, they weren't half as bad. So I would maybe suggest trying to reduce her anxieties overall... Do you use things like visual timetables in the morning?

Is there anything more that school can do to make things easier whilst she's there? DD's lateness, which on the surface was due to her clothing issues but deep down was because of wider school issues, turned into complete school avoidance which we are still working through now. So would advise trying to get things in place now before it gets to that point.

@guineapigsrule Have just posted and this was our experience too. Got worse in year 3 and led to complete EBSA in year 4.

@Readyornot8565 your post is so very familiar! I remember having to put her leggings on to stretch them out!
DD also ended up out of school.

I wonder if she's like me. I'm autistic and as a child I would only wear what my parents called 'granny pants' - a couple of sizes too big so they completely covered my bottom and wouldn't start creeping up if I was active.

I was a worse nightmare with socks and tights - hated the seams but refused to wear them inside out as that was 'wrong'. I can second the recommendation of bamboo socks from Amazon! Very comfortable.

School might definitely be a factor. Sensory sensitivities are always there but what might be a mild irritation if you're otherwise calm and happy can become intolerable if you're already stressed. Sort of a 'straw breaking the camel's back' situation.

School refusal is a real concern. I just don't know what we would do if it gets to that stage. How are you supposed to cope when you need to work full time? I've spoken to school and asked for more support to be put in place. She already does sensory circuits before school each day and meets with a TA to discuss her day at the end of each day. She's done lots of ELSA over the years. I'm not sure what else there is?

I asked her what is worrying her about school but she wasn't able to pinpoint anything in particular she is anxious about. She does struggle with learning and I know it frustrates her that she finds things harder than others, but it doesn't seem to be the source of her current anguish. I don't know though.

We had similar with DD who reduced her clothing to just one pair of joggers and tshirt, which she had to sleep in as well so that she could get to school the next day, then she rejected that as well and she ended up with nothing. It was horrendous. She has issues with her hair as well, and every time we tried to get her dressed, she would have a panic attack. We completely reduced demands for a few weeks and she lived in a onesie, and took her to a private psychiatrist who prescribed fluoxetine which took the edge off the panic and she's much calmer and happier now. She's dressed, and although her clothes are still limited it's so much better than it was. She's been on fluoxetine for about 18 months now and we're hoping to come off completely at some point. Also Asd and ADHD. Happy if you want to PM.

I don't mean to be flippant, but with great difficulty 😬 Luckily I am able to work from home and my employer (so far) has been understanding. Though currently going through a restructure and my immediate line manager (who really gets it) is leaving.

However, things (currently) seem to be improving a bit. It's slow, but we've had five weeks now of DD being in nearly every day and lots of them by about 9.30/10.

What I think seems to have helped:

At home:

Private play therapy
Trying to otherwise be low demand
Patience.

At school:

Quiet early lunch
Sitting on same table in class as best friend
(Slightly 😬) better understanding from class teacher
Social intervention group
Weekly therapy dog
(Did have a weekly emotional regulation session with a student on placement but that has now finished as student did)
Small group pre-teaching in maths

Though most mornings still require a huge amount of coercion and I'm under no illusion that things won't get worse again.

Like with yours, DD has found it really hard to understand and communicate what it is that she struggles with. I do think part of it is undiagnosed ADHD and struggling to concentrate (and want) to sit down and work. She's really bright, but apart from reading, doesn't really like academic work. Also her masking - she just can't be herself at school as she has to conform.